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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In-laws visit and going out without baby

120 replies

EmiliaAirheart · 18/01/2019 09:25

We live halfway around the world from my husband’s family. They’ve planned a trip here for three weeks. It’s their first and maybe only trip, as we normally spend our annual leave travelling there to see the whole extended family. We’ve paid for their flights and they’re staying with us. This is both given their financial circumstances and for cultural reasons.

I’ve got a few new muscle issues post c-section, and I’m interested in doing some physio-led exercise classes at my hospital. They’re baby friendly, and free up until 16 weeks postpartum. Obviously this will coincide with the in-laws visit.

In my ideal world, I would go to the classes with my baby, who is ebf. In my husband’s ideal world, I would go to the classes and leave him with the baby. However, I’m not willing to leave the baby for over two hours (allowing for transport and the class). Husband is not willing for in-laws to miss precious hours with baby.

Who is being unreasonable in this situation? And as a secondary question, how long would you want to be away from your 3 month old?

Right now I feel there’s no point dragging them all to the hospital, so the best solution is that I don’t go to the classes during the visit.

OP posts:
elvis86 · 18/01/2019 09:59

(BTW, not summising that it's pelvic floor issues you have - but I'd threaten to embellish heavily as that's the kind of stuff that would make his parents squirm!).

YetAnotherSpartacus · 18/01/2019 09:59

It's DH's child too. Just make sure he knows this and is willing to do baby related caring and labour when they have gone back.

Original poster
EmiliaAirheart · 18/01/2019 10:01

Some further if that helps!

  • Classes are offered twice a week.
  • I’ve left baby once with my family member once for forty mins to pick up my husband, and he was inconsolable the whole time. This is probably influencing my views, even though my husband would be there this time.
  • I’m not interested in expressing. It was really hard to establish bf and I want to enjoy it without causing more work for myself, expense (buying the stuff) and risking baby preferring a bottle.
  • Yes, first baby!
OP posts:
fusioluxe · 18/01/2019 10:03

“so the best solution is that I don’t go to the classes during the visit“

Huh? Best for who? Not you or baby.

This is concerning your HEALTH, you had a major operation.

The “best” thing is you go and live s normal life so the pandering to your in-laws like a coward doesn’t get passed down to the third generation.

StoppinBy · 18/01/2019 10:06

It would have stressed me out to think of leaving my baby at that age, the whole time I would be imagining my EBF baby screaming because they were hungry and I wasn't there to feed them.

YANBU, it's 2 hours, they can go out with their son while you are out and spend some quality time with him instead.

Mumofaprinny · 18/01/2019 10:07

He is being unreasonable and you sound very reasonable after paying for their flights and inviting them into your hom to stay! It’s 2 hours and I would just put my foot down and say no, it’s not happening, she is coming with me, end of discussions.

watt36 · 18/01/2019 10:07

So you're supposed to be glued to your in-laws 24/7? Your husband is being very unreasonable.

LoniceraJaponica · 18/01/2019 10:08

RiverTam have you actually tried to bottle feed an EBF baby who has never had a bottle before? Hmm

Although, at three months if the baby was fed just before going it would probably be fine. The inlaws might just find out how hard it is to console an EBF baby so the OP would be able to take it along to subsequent sessions.

Definitely do these classes though. You will regret it if you don’t.

IdleBetty · 18/01/2019 10:08

Are they going to be hovering over you for 3 weeks solid, wanting to hold the baby?

You and your baby will need some breathing space, this is going to be very claustrophobic. I would take the time out for a couple of hours, twice a week.

Your DH is being ridiculous.

CatnissEverdene · 18/01/2019 10:09

They are with you for a few weeks and then won't see their grandchild for months. Leave a bottle of expressed milk, feed as you're going out the door and enjoy some baby free time. Be good for you, baby and your DP. At 3 months, baby will be fine for 2 hours.

Onecabbage · 18/01/2019 10:10

Your dh is saying his parents wishes take priority over both your health and your baby’s wellbeing.
He needs to understand that you and baby are number one priority. It’s two hours, your in laws will be there for three weeks.

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 18/01/2019 10:11

What happens at bedtime? Do your ils intent to stand over the cot when dc sleeps?
2 hours out with you is more than acceptable.
It's your baby and it may need feeding. Is letting it become distressed having to wait what they think is acceptable?

RiverTam · 18/01/2019 10:12

Lonicera yes. We actually left it far to late to introduce with DD and she never took it - but equally I know plenty of people who introduced bottled (with expressed milk or formula) very early on and the liberty it gave them I envied a lot.

I was a highly anxious new mother in a way that did neither me nor DD any good at all. If I could have brought myself to have left DD with DH and his mum for a couple of ours in this way, and proved that yes, she was fine without me, I can't begin to imagine how different those early months and even years might have been. As it is I look back on them with a degree of sadness and regret that my anxiety tied DD to me to such an extent that I didn't really enjoy it.

Obviously, the OP could be completely different. Just giving my opinion.

fusioluxe · 18/01/2019 10:13

CatnissEverdene Gosh you sound really downtrodden. Is this what your ILs and husband insist you do? 😦

ArchbishopOfBanterbury · 18/01/2019 10:13

It's not like you're suggesting a shopping trip or lunch with the girls. Physio at the hospital trumps socialising with his parents. To think otherwise is incredibly selfish!

His wife's health should come first. Don't miss the classes.

Rachel0Greep · 18/01/2019 10:13

I think your DH might be over estimating just how much time the grandparents will want to spend with the baby. They might like some time 'off' so to speak. Babies at that age don't really do very much, iykwim, apart from needing feeding and changing and sleep.

The grandparents might want to do some sight seeing or whatever.

The important thing here, IMO, is your health. What's the best thing for you, and for baby. Is it better to have the baby with you, from your health point of view etc.
Then decisions are made on that basis. And please do go to your classes.

Artesia · 18/01/2019 10:15

I can understand why you feel anxious, and think you our husband is unreasonable to expect his parents to have 24/7 access to the baby for the duration of their visit. However, from your hisband’s perspective he may feel a bit upset that you don’t feel happy for him to look after his own child for 2 hours.

CantWaitToRetire · 18/01/2019 10:17

If it's only twice a week then you're DH is being unreasonable. Two hours is not going to affect the PIL and as others have said, they can take the time to spend some quality time with their son.

HayCaramba · 18/01/2019 10:19

I wouldn’t have left my EBF baby for that long at that age. I fed on demand and sometimes he’d demand more frequently than that. I felt the same as you OP about expressing. This is my second baby. I wish I’d had the confidence with my first to stick up for mine and babies’ best interests. I would say either you and baby go to the class, or, if they really want to, they all come along with you but I’m assuming they won’t actually be allowed into the room so it’d be pretty pointless them all coming!
They are tiny for such a short time. Once they start taking to solids and dropping feeds naturally and being able to be distracted by toys if they get a bit hungry, then you can leave them for longer.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 18/01/2019 10:22

I’ve left baby once with my family member once for forty mins to pick up my husband, and he was inconsolable the whole time. This is probably influencing my views, even though my husband would be there this time

You mean the baby's father? Maybe you should try leaving bubs with dad or setting the scene for bubs to be content left with it's father for the future sanity of all.

MRex · 18/01/2019 10:23

Has your DH really never had the baby on his own yet for an hour or two? Staying with daddy isn't leaving the baby at all, it's not the same as leaving a baby with aunts / GPs. He might be feeling like you don't trust him, that would be upsetting. I'd have him start now, he could do something near you with the baby if it's really the first time to reduce the time apart if the baby gets hungry every hour, and he could then do something with PILs and the baby near the hospital if that's the case, there must be something near it.

Taytotots · 18/01/2019 10:24

knitted I did excersize classes with my twins for my whole year of maternity leave - it was a class for mothers you can bring babies to. They mostly slept or watched (nothing funnier than a puffing, red faced, mother apparently). I had no option as no-one I could leave baby with. Yes OP has an option but no reason it can't work if class is baby friendly and she wants to bring them. Sometimes easier if you are BF.

OP YANBU. As said above it is two hours -once a week? So 6 over visit period? They will still get lots of time with you all. If they do object just say (as said above) that you have to do it for medical reasons.

Notverygrownup · 18/01/2019 10:24

Yy to your needs and babies needs being paramount here. It's only for 2 hours, twice a week.

Yy taking your mil along with you to hold the baby, if you think that would work.

You can, if you want to, try expressing to see if your baby would happily stay with someone else and give you a break. I went out once, but ds refused the expressed milk and screamed, purple faced for 3 hours, without a break. Dh was quite shocked and didn't encourage me to leave him again whilst ebf. However, if it had worked that would have been lovely as I could have had a little me time.

Taytotots · 18/01/2019 10:28

Sorry just seen you said twice a week so twelve total.over visit. I still can't see that would be a problem.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 18/01/2019 10:28

You need to go to the class.
Baby is ebf and you don’t want to leave such a little one.
The wishes of DH and PIL don’t get to override your and baby’s needs. It’s only two hours. Are they taking methamphetamine very night too, so precious baby cuddling hours aren’t spent sleeping?