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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

In-laws visit and going out without baby

120 replies

EmiliaAirheart · 18/01/2019 09:25

We live halfway around the world from my husband’s family. They’ve planned a trip here for three weeks. It’s their first and maybe only trip, as we normally spend our annual leave travelling there to see the whole extended family. We’ve paid for their flights and they’re staying with us. This is both given their financial circumstances and for cultural reasons.

I’ve got a few new muscle issues post c-section, and I’m interested in doing some physio-led exercise classes at my hospital. They’re baby friendly, and free up until 16 weeks postpartum. Obviously this will coincide with the in-laws visit.

In my ideal world, I would go to the classes with my baby, who is ebf. In my husband’s ideal world, I would go to the classes and leave him with the baby. However, I’m not willing to leave the baby for over two hours (allowing for transport and the class). Husband is not willing for in-laws to miss precious hours with baby.

Who is being unreasonable in this situation? And as a secondary question, how long would you want to be away from your 3 month old?

Right now I feel there’s no point dragging them all to the hospital, so the best solution is that I don’t go to the classes during the visit.

OP posts:

AllMYSmellySocks · 18/01/2019 15:03

@knittedjest You're being ridiculous. If the expert physio team say that the baby can come to the appointment it's clearly fine for the baby to come. You don't know better somehow. The baby will probably just sleep through the entire hour anyway. I really don't think the in laws will be so devastated to miss 2 hours of baby time - as doting as they may be they'll be glad of some adult time too. That said it would also be fine to leave the baby for 2 hours if OP felt comfortable.

AllMYSmellySocks · 18/01/2019 15:05

Some people have really weird boundaries. It’s not healthy.

I don't think those people have weird boundaries at all. Lots of people are happy to breastfeed in public or around their in laws. There's nothing wrong with that at all - perfectly normal - not like you have to flash your breasts at them. The issue you were having isn't that they have weird boundaries it was that they didn't respect your boundaries - if you only want to breastfeed in private that's fine and should be respected.

For most people pumping a bit of milk is not a big deal but if OP isn't comfortable doing it she shouldn't have be forced to.

loveskaka · 18/01/2019 15:13

I think it's ok to leave baby with ur husband for 2 hours for u to go out, BUT there is no need for you in laws to spend 24/7 with the baby for 3weeks! U need some Mummy and baby time and baby will need that too. Tell ur husband u feel anxious about leaving the baby and u want some quality time just u and baby.

averythinline · 18/01/2019 15:16

You go and take the baby - sorting your health out is the most important thing for your family... as you dont know how your DS will be at teh time plan to take him with you...
thats it the end - why would dh/pil come along to a medical appointment? I am sure PIL will be fine - maybe they could all do the shopping /dinner prep whilst they wait as am sure dh has taken the whole time off they are here !

Ragwort · 18/01/2019 15:22

The issue with your ILs aside I do think it’s odd that you can’t leave your baby with it’s own father. You may feel you only want to EBF but don’t martyr yourself over this.

Nesssie · 18/01/2019 15:40

I think the main issue is you not being ok with leaving a baby for 2/3 hours with its father. I imagine that must really sting for him.

Original poster

EmiliaAirheart · 18/01/2019 19:36

Neassie, it’s not about not trusting my husband. It’s about not trusting that by baby won’t want to eat (or comfort eat) over that time and not being up for the inconvenience of expressing when I have a perfectly reasonable alternative which doesn’t significantly deprive the in-laws of time with the baby.

For everyone to who thinks the in-laws might appreciate some alone time or time with their son - ha! I bloody wish. Unfortunately they are what some would call extremely close; others enmeshed. Regardless, for them it would be unthinkable to not be with us (read: son and baby...) for the entirety of the visit.

OP posts:

Fusioluxe · 18/01/2019 19:49

EmiliaAirheart

Ignore those that say leave your DH to breastfeed him... their husbands must lactate!

Fusioluxe · 18/01/2019 19:51

For most people pumping a bit of milk is not a big deal...

What the f..? Do you know how many women cannot do that even though they try really hard? No need to shame them.

Original poster

EmiliaAirheart · 18/01/2019 19:57

In the spirit of full disclosure, I have a good supply and doubt pumping would cause any issues.

But I absolutely don’t see why I should have to buy or borrow a pump, figure out how to use it and faff around with sterilising and storage for someone else’s benefit, and at zero benefit for me and baby.

In fact, breastfeeding is likely to be the only time when I’m guaranteed not to be vying with the in-laws to hold my own baby, so that’s also influencing how I feel.

OP posts:

BonBonVoyage · 18/01/2019 20:00

Take your baby with you. Tell them the physio wants to watch you feeding to check your posture or whatever.

I would not have been comfortable leaving my ebf baby that long (or at all) at that age. Some people are, great. Some are not and that's fine too

coconutpie · 19/01/2019 09:09

Regardless, for them it would be unthinkable to not be with us (read: son and baby...) for the entirety of the visit.

Well OP, you're just gonna have to break that cycle. It's your baby and they will have to realise that you also have a life and you can't just put your entire life on hold as they are visiting. Are they always this narcissistic?

Quartz2208 · 19/01/2019 09:14

Yep you are going to have to break the cycle - they are putting themselves in front of your bond with your baby and your physical health

Given how difficult I suspect this visit will be this sounds like something you will need as a break and one to one with your baby

Pernickity1 · 19/01/2019 09:18

I was happy to leave my babies at 3 months for a break (dying to actually!) I expressed and my DH or my mum could give them a bottle. If you trust your in laws and your baby is happy with other people, then I would be delighted to have someone to leave the baby with for a couple of hours and would take full advantage since they’re only visiting for a short while.

I imagine an exercise class is a total pain with a baby unless you get lucky and they sleep through it.

However if you are not comfortable leaving your DC then just follow your instincts and take them with you. At the end of the day you know what’s best for your baby and will (presumably!) be more in tune with what your baby needs so I would always agree with the mother in these scenarios. Plus I think your husband might be overestimating his parents - a newborn baby is hard to live with especially when you’ve passed that stage. They might be delighted to have some peace and quiet time if you take the baby with you - surely they’ll want to spend some of their holiday seeing the sights and enjoying themselves and won’t want to spend every waking minute with their grandchild?

ICJump · 19/01/2019 09:32

Honestly 2 hours wuth just you and baby will probably be a wonderful respite from you PIL. I wouldn’t have been physically comfortable leaving a 2 month old for 2 hours as my breasts would have started leaking.

Troels · 19/01/2019 09:41

I think the best suggestion was early on. Take MIL with you. She will feel very special about being the one to sit and care for baby while you do the exercises and that way if baby does become distressed you are there. If FIL and Dh want to come, you can say sorry ladies only.

PandaMa · 19/01/2019 09:54

If the classes are the same as I attended after my section then to be honest I would agree with pp who said take baby with you or leave baby at home. I found the girls who took baby to the class didn't actually get to take part in the class properly as LOs wouldn't settle.

Also imo the only part of the class I found couldn't be done at home with a video was when the physio checked your abdomen - everything else just felt like low level Pilates and arobics.

SuziQ10 · 19/01/2019 10:06

Do exactly what you want to do.
You are a very new mum with a tiny baby. If you don't want to leave the baby yet, definitely don't.

Also your DH is assuming the grandparents want to be with baby 24/7 for 3 weeks. I'm sure a couple of hours without baby is no problem and if anything, a nice bit of space for a couple of hours.

seven201 · 19/01/2019 13:02

Your dh is being a twat. It's two hours! I wouldn't have wanted to be apart from my dd for that long when she the same age. And the faff of expressing, sterilising etc added on top just is silly.

Stompythedinosaur · 19/01/2019 13:07

If they are staying for 3 weeks I can't see how you going to a 2 hour class with the baby is a big deal.

I didn't like to be away from my baby at that age either.

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