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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

In-laws visit and going out without baby

120 replies

EmiliaAirheart · 18/01/2019 09:25

We live halfway around the world from my husband’s family. They’ve planned a trip here for three weeks. It’s their first and maybe only trip, as we normally spend our annual leave travelling there to see the whole extended family. We’ve paid for their flights and they’re staying with us. This is both given their financial circumstances and for cultural reasons.

I’ve got a few new muscle issues post c-section, and I’m interested in doing some physio-led exercise classes at my hospital. They’re baby friendly, and free up until 16 weeks postpartum. Obviously this will coincide with the in-laws visit.

In my ideal world, I would go to the classes with my baby, who is ebf. In my husband’s ideal world, I would go to the classes and leave him with the baby. However, I’m not willing to leave the baby for over two hours (allowing for transport and the class). Husband is not willing for in-laws to miss precious hours with baby.

Who is being unreasonable in this situation? And as a secondary question, how long would you want to be away from your 3 month old?

Right now I feel there’s no point dragging them all to the hospital, so the best solution is that I don’t go to the classes during the visit.

OP posts:

Her0utdoors · 18/01/2019 11:18

Go to the class, take your baby. I've had post natal physio /classes with my newborns, you can sit out and feed, or feed while you do the exercises, you baby can lie with you while you excesise. You will hethe support of other women there to help feed your baby.
Having a working boy after childbirth is so important, don't pass up the help you have been offered.
How long did I leave my 3 month olds? About 20 minutes? Honestly, being available to meet the needs of tiny babies is speck of time in the scheme of things.

KonekoBasu · 18/01/2019 11:22

"As baby is now 3 months, you could feed before you left and maybe leave some expressed milk for an emergency. That way you could concentrate on the session without fear of it being interrupted by your baby."

Yeah, except mine was feeding constantly at that age, like every one to two hours and I couldn't express and baby wouldn't take a bottle anyway. So that would not have been an option for me. I'd have been leaking everywhere anyway.

fusioluxe · 18/01/2019 11:39

That way you could concentrate on the session without fear of it being interrupted by your baby

Or worry not concentrate because you’re worried about being away from your baby for no good reason and leaking all over the place when you hear the other babes crying...

happygirly1 · 18/01/2019 11:43

Whatever you choose to do with your baby, go to the classes. They're really important and you should make your health a priority.

If you want to take the baby with you, I honestly don't see how it could be considered a big deal - it's only for a couple of hours for a few times during their visit. It certainly won't hinder their relationship with your baby (who won't notice anyway). I think your husband is being a bit dramatic.

I can see the side of things where some might say they felt happy leaving their baby for a few hours at that stage, however this is not about whether I (nor anyone else) would feel comfortable - it is about whether you would. If you don't, that needs to be accepted by your husband. It's really not a big deal at the end of the day and surely he can spend a couple of hours with his parents with you and baby there!

SilverBirchTree · 18/01/2019 11:46

@EmiliaAirheart you need to put yourself first. Bugger the in-laws or your DP.

If I had a time machine to my first few months with a newborn I would shake myself and say 'just do what feels right to you! This is not the time to be people pleasing!!!'

A breastfeeding newborn should stay near his mum. 💯 Take the baby to the class with you. They can survive missing a few hours during a 3 week visit. It might encourage them to do other things and get out of your hair.

Good luck.

Missingstreetlife · 18/01/2019 11:52

Has dh been left with baby at all, do you trust him? Will mil be pushy and knows best about baby or will she respect you?
I would definitely go to the classes, take baby to the first one if this is what you usually do, and play it by ear after that. You may feel it's ok to leave him, or have them waiting nearby, you may all get on fine, or you and/or they may be desperate for a break by week 2.

Onlyjoinedforthisthread · 18/01/2019 11:54

I can just imagine the outcry if the husband said he wouldn't look after the baby for a couple of hours. I don't understand why you'd chose to take a baby into a medical environment when you don't need to

HappilyHarridan · 18/01/2019 11:57

Surely at three months they’re not a newborn??

FrenchJunebug · 18/01/2019 11:57

you are unreasonable not to want to leave you baby with his/her father for two hours. You are not the only parent.

user1andonly · 18/01/2019 12:00

Gosh! Three weeks. However lovely they are, I'd be needing to use the classes as a good excuse for some time away!

If you get on well with mil, then, as a pp suggested, you could ask her to come with you and help with the baby but don't take dh or fil - that wouldn't be fair on the other new mums who'd likely not be keen on random (to them) men being there.

I'd have wanted my baby with me at that age especially if ebf. I would imagine most women will take their babies with them and the classes will be set up for this.

Shopkinsdoll · 18/01/2019 12:01

I don’t really see a problem here. Leave baby with his dad with some expressed milk. Have a few hours to yourself. Might be nice to get some me time with your relatives staying.

ForInstance · 18/01/2019 12:14

Hi OP, my little one is 8 1/2 weeks and is ebf. The last couple of weekends my DH has had him while I’ve been to a yoga class on my own. (Side note: it’s hard / weird being away from them, and breast leaks are an embarrassing possibility, but it’s also rather blissful!) It’s been no more than a 2.5 hour round trip each time. I’ve fed DC the minute before speeding out of the door, and then DH has brought him to meet me from the class in case he was hungry and I could feed him in a cafe. In fact, he was calm and made it home each time. Perhaps you and your DH and ILs could do that?

I have a suspicion that my LO can go slightly longer between feeds when I’m not there, because Daddy doesn’t smell of milk so it’s not on his mind!

fusioluxe · 18/01/2019 12:32

“You are not the only parent.”
No, she’s the only breastfeeding parent 🙄

Wallsbangers · 18/01/2019 12:40

Are they going to be doing the nightshifts to look at the precious baby in the wee small hours? No, didn't think so.

Take the baby if that's what you want to do.

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 18/01/2019 12:56

Imagine going alone and hearing other babies crying.
Leaking boobs is what I would have had!!
Left a restaurant for this very reason.
Very embarrassed - and hadn't eaten all my food!!

RoboticSealpup · 18/01/2019 13:24

Husband is not willing for in-laws to miss precious hours with baby.

He is being utterly ridiculous. You have kindly agreed to have his parents staying in your home for three weeks. He doesn't get to dictate every bloody thing that happens during those three weeks.

My PILs, also from abroad, stayed for a month when DD was 3 months. MIL sat in a chair holding her all day, every day and didn't want to give her back even when I was bursting with milk and needing to feed! I regret not being more assertive.

Ribbonsonabox · 18/01/2019 13:29

Of course you should take the baby to the classes your husband is being nuts! His family are there for 3 weeks they can manage to be apart from the baby for 6 hours.
The baby is too young to be without you for that long if you are trying to exclusively breastfeed.

TurquoiseDress · 18/01/2019 13:36

It's prettty straightforward I think- you take the baby to classes with you so that they breastfeed if needed.

These classes are for your health and well being, not just some novelty post natal mum class (and if it was, that would be fine too)

3 weeks is a LONG time to have your in-laws to stay! Do you have enough space for them? Are they helpful? Do you get on well with them?

Sorry am just being nosey!
Your in-laws will get to spend lots of time with baby, you can't just put your life on hold while they're here.

Also, if they weren't here, would you be going to the class alone and leaving baby with DH?

RichPetunia · 18/01/2019 13:39

It's your husband's baby too.
Leave the baby.

moredoll · 18/01/2019 13:45

If you can't express, or don't want to, then I think pp's suggestion of compromise is best. Take your baby AND your MIL to your exercise class if she wants to come. Of course, she might welcome the opportunity for some quality time with her son, just as you do. Or she might like to attend one or two to see what's new. Who knows until you ask her.

mindutopia · 18/01/2019 13:51

I would go and take your baby. At that age, my bf baby was still eating as often as every 1-1.5 hours. There was no point leaving him somewhere when I could have just taken him with me, but more importantly, you can't leave a baby to starve just because in-laws want extra cuddles. Why not give your dh some time to spend one-on-one with his parents while you're there? I'm sure they won't have any other time for that with a new baby in the house all the time.

Reallyready · 18/01/2019 14:02

RichPetunia and who breastfeeds the baby?

coconutpie · 18/01/2019 14:32

Christ almighty, your DH is being a selfish inconsiderate arse.

You need to attend your medical appointments - you mentioned you already have to miss some of them over the three weeks because it's PILs arrival / departure day. Why do you have to miss them those days? They are visiting for 3 weeks! Your health is far far far more important than PILs visit. Nobody else will put you first so you need to put you first. It is so important for a pp woman to look after her medical needs otherwise you may end up with long term issues.

Also, your baby needs to be with you. It's way too long to be away from your baby at 3 months. And why should you bloody start expressing as somebody else suggested? That's more work on you! Funny how people's suggestions involve more work for the OP.

Inform your DH that you will be going to all your appointments, including those on arrival / departure day and you will be bringing baby. You have already been massively accommodating by hosting your PILs when you have a newborn, you deserve a medal for that alone!

essex42 · 18/01/2019 14:38

Totally up to you. I was back at very full time work when both of my DSs were three months and was happy to leave them. Not much choice at the time. Personally I would leave the baby with your husband and feed him or her before you go out and/or express - but this is your choice. Go with what you feel comfortable with.

Fusioluxe · 18/01/2019 14:49

It's way too long to be away from your baby at 3 months. And why should you bloody start expressing as somebody else suggested? That's more work on you! Funny how people's suggestions involve more work for the OP.

Can you imagine if someone suggested that a man milk his glands even if he didn’t want to because a visitor was coming?

My FIL suggested that I breastfeed in front of him so I didn’t take the baby away from MIL and him. I posted here and was told it was “only breasts”.

Some people have really weird boundaries. It’s not healthy.

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