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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've refused CAMHS support. Will I get flagged up as a bad parent?

232 replies

Seline · 17/01/2019 14:27

For a quick background I've got one DS with additional needs 3 and DS and DD who were born at 26 weeks and had a long NICU stay.

My 3 year old is speech delayed and has problems with biting when he can't communicate, and throws objects when frustrated. I've asked for support for him and got an EP involved and 121 support at his nursery which helps.

Today I was offered early CAMHS support. Apparently they come into your home and discuss the family and how to support him. Apparently all the work is in your house. I absolutely hate home visits because one I'm an introvert and it feels intrusive, I am very socially awkward and feel anxious with people and two I have so many appointments for the twins as they have ongoing medical concerns.

I was already worried about HV appointments for this reason but they have been very understanding.

I declined the camhs explaining that I can't fit it in and want some normality at home after such a long hospitalization. They said that's fine and they'll just document it was offered

Am I going to be flagged as difficult for this? I have a huge fear of losing my children (dying/kidnapping/SS/Getting lost) because I was told several times they would die and it's left me quite worried.

OP posts:
Sarahandduck18 · 17/01/2019 19:38

Op have you ever been assessed for asd?

Fraula · 17/01/2019 19:40

You are entirely justified in your decision and seem very aware of how to preserve your wellbeing right now, which is essential in supporting your son. An upset, anxious mum is obviously going to detract from any help CAMHS could provide, so you've made a good call.

Sorry if repeating pp(ignore if this is the case): can they see you at a children's centre instead?

To answer OP, no I don't believe you'll be flagged up. You're engaging with the nursery for support.

Thepinkyponk · 17/01/2019 19:42

Seline you will not be flagged as difficult, uncooperative or somebody who's DS is at risk just because you declined optional support because the way It was offered doesn't work for you.

I'm a fellow introvert with anxiety so I know where you're coming from.

Gitfeatures · 17/01/2019 19:43

Are you sure that it's ADHD they're querying rather than ASD? ADHD generally isn't assessed for or diagnosed before the age of 6.

MiceSqueakCatsMeow · 17/01/2019 19:44

Sarah, I wondered that too. I'm an aspie and feel like that about my home too. Although I don't reject therapists coming to work with my son at home. Personally I hate having strangers in my safe space.

Pissedoffdotcom · 17/01/2019 19:45

You won't be flagged up. You aren't declining all help & locking him in a bubble ffs, you declined one avenue of intervention. Seriously people need to back off with the scary 'they'll black mark you' crap.

OP fwiw i know what you mean re your home being a safe place. I avoid anything that involves professionals in my home unless absolutely necessary because it is our get away. And i hate socialising with people. Actually i just hate people. I can make small talk at the school gate, i have a select few friends but other than that the outside world can get stuffed. Oh & my DD is ridiculously social so hey ho

imip · 17/01/2019 19:50

No, you won’t have a red mark against your name. I understand not wanting observation to take place st home. It’s a safe space for your dc also. I refused support for my disabled child at home because if it goes ‘wrong’ I’d hate for her safe space to feel less ‘safe’. I too would have thought it was ASD they were querying, but I suspect giving time to see if the support your already having first may be beneficial. I have 4 dc, two different conditions which mean OT sometimes visit us at home, as well as disability social worker. Our children also have very regular hospital appts.

CheshireChat · 17/01/2019 19:55

I'm the introverted mother of an extroverted kid- the pain is real.

I think it depends if they're assessing at home just because that's how they do things or are they're trying to get a full picture (I'm thinking masking here not abuse!).

Also, how many times would they have to come? If it's only a couple, can't your DH take a day's leave? Appreciate it's not workable if they need routine visits.

ralphfromlordoftheflies · 17/01/2019 19:58

You can't have it both ways though. You are swinging from 'I don't want him to have CAMHS involvement because I don't want the intrusion of professionals in my home' to 'the service isn't suitable for my DS' when challenged about not prioritising his needs.

As other posters have said, CAMHS is a difficult service to access, their work can be really pivotal, and they don't just ask to come and assess 3 year old children at home for biting. Their threshold is so high, that if they are offering a service it is because your DS needs it.

You have options, such as your DH taking annual leave for their visits if you don't want to engage, but you don't want to take them. Fear of losing your children does not translate to 'this service isn't suitable for my DS' in respect of whether this decision is being made in your DS's best interests. The decision is borne of your own barriers, and I think that you need to be honest with yourself about what your genuine rationale is for not wanting your DS to access CAMHS. What exactly is it that you are worried will happen if he does?

Palaver1 · 17/01/2019 20:03

If only you knew how fortunate you are to be offered support
It wil be noted that you refused support that is very necessary for your childs well being
And it might be difficult to get support for him in the future
Call them back and accept the offer

TatianaLarina · 17/01/2019 20:10

Well I know my children but I’m not a specialist in ASD or ASD and I’m not under the illusion that reading books and knowing people won’t it connotes any kind of expertise.

TatianaLarina · 17/01/2019 20:10

ADHD or ASD. ^

Hmm12121 · 17/01/2019 20:11

I don’t see it as you bring a bad mother, I see it as you giving your children a safe haven away from therapy etc.
Why shouldn’t you all have somewhere in your lives you can just call home, somewhere that you can just relax in. Somewhere you don’t have to feel you need to run the hoover round etc so you don’t feel judged by visiting therapist. With 3 small children I would say that’s the very least you deserve to have.
Your son is accessing lots of help. If you feel that an invasion of your home outweighs the benefit for him right now then that’s how it should be.
Good luck and I hope things become easier for you very soon x

Original poster
Seline · 17/01/2019 20:11

Their threshold is so high, that if they are offering a service it is because your DS needs it.
The person who offered it me hasn't seen DS for months and only offered it because I said I wanted extra support for his biting. That's it.

They're assessing ADHD and ASD as far as I know. Regarding my own potential ASD I'm very, very aware I am almost certainly an aspie. I'm at peace with it, it causes me no bother as an adult. I also have ADHD hence them assessing my son fairly early as there's a strong genetic link and other family members also have it. I take Concerta, so again I engage with professionals. If there was concern about my anxiety levels they would know.

So no. I'm not mentally ill, I don't not engage, I don't deny my son support. I'm asking whether I'll get penalised for declining one type of support.

OP posts:
Original poster
Seline · 17/01/2019 20:12

Hmm thank you. I'm glad you understand how I feel as it seems people have got the wrong end of the stick

OP posts:
Hmm12121 · 17/01/2019 20:25

I also don’t feel OP is attacking people. I think she is becoming frustrated with the total lack of understanding here. Nobody is the same. Some of us can cope with people in our homes, some of us can’t and some of us occasionally like to just close the door and shut the world out. That’s ok in your own home surely!
Sometimes you need to put yourselves in another’s shoes and try to understand how they really feel.

TatianaLarina · 17/01/2019 20:32

Do you have private insurance OP?

Original poster
Seline · 17/01/2019 20:33

I don't think I'm attacking anyone either. I'm just a but frustrated people think CAMHS is the only type of support, that one type works for every situation and that I'm somehow depriving my kids by not having mum friends.

OP posts:
Original poster
Seline · 17/01/2019 20:36

I do, unsure if it covers this type of thing but if need be I can pay for the assessment myself. I've considered Maudsley for him if the issues are present in a few years

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 17/01/2019 20:52

Combined ADHD and ASD will be over 2 grand to get done privately.

Original poster
Seline · 17/01/2019 20:54

I know. I'm happy to pay for it if my son needs it. I'm lucky that I have the means to, so my son won't "lose out" by not accessing a service when he is 3.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 17/01/2019 21:05

It seems though op knows how to handle the situation, she has support for her ds. Our local hospital has a speech and language drop in, I wonder if you can find out if yours does too. We went to the drop in whereby dd was assessed by the SALT, who saw ASD markers in her, and referred us to the community Paed for assement.

TatianaLarina · 17/01/2019 21:07

2 grand plus seems a lot of money to avoid having people in your sitting room and have him assessed by the time he starts school. But hey it’s your life and I’m bored of this.

Original poster
Seline · 17/01/2019 21:18

Tatiana the great thing about money is we get to spend it on what's important to us. While it may seem stupid to you for someone to go private, for me if it alleviates the anxiety I feel around strangers in the house, it's worth the money

OP posts:
Pissedoffdotcom · 17/01/2019 21:22

I'd happily pay 2 grand if it meant my family home remained my sanctuary! Everybody needs a bolt hole.

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