I've refused CAMHS support. Will I get flagged up as a bad parent?

[Seline]

For a quick background I've got one DS with additional needs 3 and DS and DD who were born at 26 weeks and had a long NICU stay.

My 3 year old is speech delayed and has problems with biting when he can't communicate, and throws objects when frustrated. I've asked for support for him and got an EP involved and 121 support at his nursery which helps.

Today I was offered early CAMHS support. Apparently they come into your home and discuss the family and how to support him. Apparently all the work is in your house. I absolutely hate home visits because one I'm an introvert and it feels intrusive, I am very socially awkward and feel anxious with people and two I have so many appointments for the twins as they have ongoing medical concerns.

I was already worried about HV appointments for this reason but they have been very understanding.

I declined the camhs explaining that I can't fit it in and want some normality at home after such a long hospitalization. They said that's fine and they'll just document it was offered

Am I going to be flagged as difficult for this? I have a huge fear of losing my children (dying/kidnapping/SS/Getting lost) because I was told several times they would die and it's left me quite worried.

It won't be a mark against you as a parent.

It may well be an issue if you try to access services later on because you've already shown you won't follow the pathway and therefore it would be a risk to have your child put forward over another child in future.

Your child may have what they need right now, but in time they won't be a child in a primary school that can sort 1-1. They'll be a teenager without an ECHP probably in a mainstream secondary school and no 1-1 because TAs for non ECHP students are like hens teeth in most schools.

You're within your rights to decide what is right for you and your family. I do think you're so adamant you're right and money will solve everything that the situation is unlikely to resolve because a household where nobody can ever visit isn't going to be a typical household for those who live there and someone with such high levels of anxiety will simply transfer to different sources of anxiety.

I just want somewhere I and they feel safe. If I want to wear a dressing gown all day and watch Disney films or build a cushion fort for the kids or just have a duvet day I should damn well be able to in my own house.

Why isnt it a typical house? I never had unannounced visitors as a child. We either pre arranged it but that was rare, we usually met people or did things outside the house. That's hardly odd.

I think op knows what she is doing, it is her right not to have professionals in her house, what may not be a big deal for people without Autism, is a big thing for somebody with ASD.

seline
You've said you don't even have people round like friends. A household where anxiety has such a strong effect on all who live there isn't a typical household.

I get the feeling you want to be told that your house = your rules and nobody can log that you've turned down part of the support. Ultimately it's your call if you have people in or not and that's your right, but choosing not to access a form of support when an overstretched service is offering it might well be an issue if you seek it later.

What is the issue with seeing friends outside of the house? Why this need to come into the house?

Another aspie here, I also hate people in my space, hate small talk in general and especially hated the socialising with other parents who I had nothing in common with. Yes, a lot of people will see you as some kind of weirdo for being different from the norm but sounds like you know exactly what your needs are.

I'm not on the spectrum. I still bloody hate people in my house. It's MY space to actually unwind without feeling someone is analysing my every move.

FGS no CAMHS service will penalise the OP or her child in the future, if she refuses a service now.

Such ignorance!

There's some absolute nonsense being posted on this thread. The complete lack understanding and respect of difference and diversity is astonishing. And the mother blame is fucking awful.

Hard the if you're not an extrovert you're a bad parent is particularly amusing.

Try not to get frustrated it feels like you are - it's your choice not to go. Don't worry about what anyone else thinks. It's a great way to live if people can actually think "sod what you lot think", very liberating. You've made your decision so don't worry yourself by arguing on social media with people about it. You'll find more peace that way. Good luck.

I'm glad you know you have Aspergers because I was thinking "she sounds like she's got ASD..." Tbh, as someone who took 7 years to get my DD2 through the hoops to get her DX with ASD, and CAMHS never did get there, I would have jumped at the help when it came. But, I understand feeling under the microscope.

Yes I'm very sure I'm one of the many women aspies who weren't picked up in childhood. I'm convinced my mother is one too as she shares many traits. I think that's why I feel confident handling DSs problems without the extra support, I'm fairly used to it.

You are balancing lots of things but they would not have offered support unless he really needed it so please reconsider. Early intervention is so important - with delayed speech and other issues he needs the help beyond just speech therapy (ed psych aren't there much). Yes it's intrusive but isn't there a friend of family member who can support you, or there's volunteer advocates (I'm one) who can be there. There's a small window up to 5 or 6 where developmental issues can be helped, then they plateau - my dd has early intervention for autism and whilst we cannot prove it, she copes much better than her peers with autism (we lived overseas with private insurance when she was tiny hence the therapy).

Best wishes

FGS no CAMHS service will penalise the OP or her child in the future, if she refuses a service now.
Such ignorance!

The vast majority of posters have not said she'll be penalised or flagged, just that services are VERY hard to access, and if she's put at the end of a long waiting list later, that won't be the best for the child. OP also appears to be putting her own anxieties above the child's benefit, given that at this age it can be very helpful for them to see professionals in their safe space. She appears to be projecting her own issues about them being measured (which a 3 year old will generally not be aware of at this point) or being able to build pillow forts (which no CAMHS person would ever be concerned about) - over the child's needs. It's not just about this specific treatment, it's also about how this will be as the child gets older, and whether she is going to be able to put them first.

I do put my child first. Funny how the actual social workers who commented stated that sometimes "support" can get too much and that I've not done anything wrong.

I get it's frustrating to be waiting for support and to hear someone else turn it down but that's not my fault. That's like complaining someone's accidentally pregnant while you're awaiting IVF, or that your rich neighbour won the lottery while you're struggling to pay the basics. It isn't always fair and while I sympathise, it is not my fault that you haven't yet received the support.

Nobody's saying they're jealous or that they want your support or its unfair - it's not a complaint, it's about pointing out that given the long waiting lists, you're better off accepting help and getting onto their books at the time offered, not the time that's perfect.

I'm not better off accepting something that will make me anxious and a worse parent. I'm not better off neglecting serious medical problems in my other children, the ones who nearly died due to extreme prematurity, for some camhs support.

No. But if your anxiety is so bad that a once a week home visit would make you (a) a worse parent and (b) neglect your twins, then you do need better support for your anxiety.

It sounds like you are doing a tremendous amount to support your family with some extreme needs, even without extra challenges of your own, it's hardly surprising you could also benefit from support.

It would cause stress and mean I would have to miss appointments for the twins to fit it in hence their needs wouldn't get met.

I love how quieter people have to accept social people constantly telling us there must be something wrong with us because we can go 5 minutes without speaking to another human being.

Also there's an obsession these days with "support" for parents. People have had children for many years, people just got on with it. I'm sick of this poncing about and asking "are you okay?" and "do you need any help?" Unless you're offering to do my laundry or wash some bottles, no, I don't need your help. Take your coffee, cake and listening ear to someone else. I can't stand this counselling culture.

I can't see the link between accepting CAHMS support for your DS and neglecting the medical needs of the twins... the two don't seem related, but then I don't know what you're going through day-to-day.
I'm not a professional so I wouldn't feel confident rejecting CAHMS if it was offered, I wouldn't be able to say for certain whether it would benefit my child. But I do know how bloomin' hard it is to get them involved later. While I understand the 'I know what's best for my child' instinct, I'd also take care to balance that feeling against what the professionals are recommending, even if personally I couldn't see the intended impact. I would've thought the location could be negotiated, and then you keep your home as your sanctuary and still get the benefit of the support. Plus, if they turn round and say he doesn't need CAHMS right now after the first meeting, you know you were right and you don't have to worry about refusing.
People have always raised children with support. I think the isolated family unit without anyone else around is a very modern concept. "It takes a village" and all that.

Because they have so many. They have to be fed a certain amount at certain times which is hard because they're sort of demand feeding so I have to ensure the daily volumes are accurate. Then I have to ensure their vitamins and sytron is given. They have both had feeding problems and so take ages to feed and have to be sideways. Then I have regular appointments with their dietician, physio, speech therapist, cardiologist etc. I'd never get the chance to just stick them in the pram and walk with them like people can do with normal babies if I add yet another list of appointments to my ever growing list.

My DS has speech therapy, dietician and a pediatrician. I have a rheumatologist becaide they thijk i have Ehlers Danlos which causes constant severe pain in my back ankles knees hips and wrists, band a psychiatrist for my ADHD meds, I've got low B12 and they're trying to find out if it's pernicious anaemia or not and it's looking like it is so I'll have regular injections to fit in, my grandfather has Alzheimer's and I have to help out with him because he's dangerous and aggressive to my disabled grandmother but she doesn't want him in a home, and I just want one damn part of my life free from illness disability and medical things!

Despite these things, I'm generally a happy person who is grateful for my children and my family. But I honestly cannot take on any more.

You keep saying you declined it because you didn't think it was suitable, but your OP makes it clear you declined it because you were uncomfortable with the idea of having them in your house. There's nothing wrong with being asocial or an introvert - I'm both! - but you have to make sure that it doesn't get in the way of your children living their lives. I'm not trying to jump on you or be unkind - I'm saying this as the child of an anxious father who suffered as a result, and as an anxious parent who has had to really work hard to get over my fears and ensure they don't impact on my daughter. This is nothing to do with you not wanting to socialise - you're perfectly entitled to see nobody at all on a social basis if you want to! But that's not the same thing as refusing medical support for your child because you don't want someone in your house.