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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have called him out in a spectacularly rude way..

421 replies

KittyVonCatsworth · 16/01/2019 19:29

I know I need to manage my emotions and subsequent actions / behaviour better. I try, I really do bite my tongue but even holding it in I've just got one of those easy to read faces. Even when I'm trying to look nonplussed, people can obviously tell ( my manager commented about it just recently). However, I was just instantly triggered today and if I don't learn new techniques I'm never going to be one of those leaders that I aspire to be.

Today, a member of the team who I've had issues with answers the office phone and was quite abrupt with them. Another member of the team asked who it was after he finished the call and he replied 'just some tart from EDF'. It instantly got my heckles up and I said 'when I thought I couldn't dislike you any more than I do, you call women tarts you repulsive old cunt'. I then went a bit further with a character assassination. In my head and in my heart this is what I felt and IWBU, but I really want to know how others maintain a breezy, professional demeanour. I think eventually my tongue will be my downfall.

Please don't suggest I should apologise to him though, he's going in 2 weeks and his feelings aren't that important to me as he has the self awareness of a stick (which I also mentioned) so it would make no difference.

How do people manage their thoughts not manifesting into words and actions? This isn't necessary about the context of this example so I'm not looking for flaming or congratulations, just techniques if you have them.

OP posts:
MummyofTw0 · 17/01/2019 20:47

I think you definitely came across the bad party in this situation

Aridane · 17/01/2019 20:49

*My technique is to consider the person as a bit of poo on the pavement. You don't stand and talk to it, or step in it, you walk around it and move on•

Brilliant- like Joey Tribiani’s smell-the-fart method of acting!

ton181 · 17/01/2019 21:25

Treat people the way you want to be treated is my motto, the same goes for managers. Be nice on the way up as you never know who you will meet on the way down...…… Do not abuse your staff, they could complain about you. If he complained, it would be investigated and you would have ended up with a warning, or even dismissed.

If you are angry, never respond straight away, no matter how much you think they deserve it. Public bollocking's are not the professional way

Fowles94 · 17/01/2019 21:26

You should be sacked.

Meece · 17/01/2019 21:41

OP, how was work today?

ChainVaper · 17/01/2019 21:47

I think I would have found it very hard to hold my tongue too. I do understand why you reacted the way you did but it’s such a shame u used the cunt word! I don’t think you deserve to be sacked though ! I see red when I hear men using words like ‘tart’ to refer to a woman - it’s very sexist and utterly wrong so hopefully you may be let off with a disciplinary for the language. I would love to have seen his face.

TheDowagerCuntess · 17/01/2019 21:48

Some people are really struggling with this.

It's not 'pearl clutching' to have a problem with the use of the word 'cunt' in a professional setting.

It's not appropriate - it makes the OP look ridiculous, and completely undermines her credibility.

Being shocked that the OP doesn't have the cop on not to use the word at work, isn't the same as being shocked at the word, per se.

And I say this as someone with the word in my username!

RabbityMcRabbit · 17/01/2019 21:59

Spectacularly unprofessional of you to call him a c* imo. You've a long way to go to get to leadership level. Try biting your tongue. You don't have to vocalise everything that comes into your head.

JerryGiraffe · 17/01/2019 22:01

Although I understand your annoyance, you were bang out of order. That is the kind of language that would disgust most people in a pub never mind a professional environment. If you want to make it to management, you need to learn to express an opinion without being down right rude about it. Sorry OP but you really do need to do some self reflection. As for apologising, you really should do the right thing - for your own professional credibility, to be a decent person and to do the right thing. Being a good leader isn't about nwver grtting it wrong, its about doing the right thing when you have done wrong.

BitOfFun · 17/01/2019 22:19

If this actually happened, I think the worst bit was telling him you'd never liked him: you're at work, you don't have to like people. It just sounds so incredibly childish to be operating in a workplace wth that mindset. I'm astonished anyone would let you manage more than your commute.

Riv · 17/01/2019 22:23

Calling a woman a tart is bad, but to refer to anyone by using the c word in a negative way is far far worse and beyond sexist. The irony is clearly lost on you.
your behaviour warrants at least a fully recorded disciplinary hearing and possibly dismissal, which will affect future employment not just promotion. I hope, for your sake, it is not reported.
You need some professional training in dealing with colleagues as soon as possible. Your current reactions suggest you need more specific support than we can give on this forum.

MsLexic · 17/01/2019 22:44

I wish I did not believe anyone would behave like this is an professional setting, however I know they do.
You answered a horrible slur with even worse.

You think you are saying what everyone is thinking; but you need to address deep seated anger issues.

Shewhomustbeobeyed1 · 17/01/2019 23:34

Cunt us one of my favourite insults. But that was totally unprofessional try this

To have called him out in a spectacularly rude way..
lifetothefull · 17/01/2019 23:43

I am hoping you are quite young. I remember having that moment when I used the f word in a completely inappropriate context and it made me realise I had a problem. I really made an effort from then on to swear less. I don't really swear at all now, Hopefully this has given you a similar wake up call.

expat101 · 18/01/2019 01:02

Sometimes its best just to walk away.....

Yogafanatic · 18/01/2019 06:22

You can’t complain about what he said to you you said much worse in my opinion.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 18/01/2019 08:14

Cunt is a great word and good on you for calling him out on it. But, and it’s a big but, you will never progress in a career if you keep using that kind of language in a work environment. If I’d heard the exchange of words in my office the pair of you would be up on a disciplinary - which isn’t a great way to progress.

You may think it’s a case of calling a spade a spade, but it’s rude and unprofessional. Just ask yourself if you’d put someone like you up in front of a customer? I work in an environment where we talk to customers, and sometimes they are rude. The best way to deal with it is to tell them you won’t be spoken to like that and walk away. If you called one a cunt you’d prob be sacked for gross misconduct

elfies · 18/01/2019 08:20

Unprofessional , and, if reported, will have to be kept on record

GloveHangover · 18/01/2019 08:30

When people lose their temper they look vulnerable.

People's attitudes and behaviour can sometimes make my blood boil (unfortunately usually men) but I've found the best way to deal with it is diplomacy, especially at work (!!).

It usually makes the unreasonable person look and feel even worse.

Sb74 · 18/01/2019 08:33

I do think the op should take note that the behaviour mentioned is just not normal at all. Never witnessed anything like that in my life. People have annoyed me beyond belief at work but you have to remain respectful and professional no matter what. I once challenged my bully of a manager but still did that in a calm and respectful way. I do think the op would be wise to follow up with anger manager lessons etc because I’m not sure a book will be enough tbh. What you did is inexcusable I’m afraid. The only time I’ve snapped at someone at work and told them to ‘F off’ was as a 16 year old in a part time job and the girl had been constantly going on at me. Now that is nearly 30 years ago so I got away with a good talking to but nowadays is different and I think I would have been out of the door had it been 21st century. I would have been embarrassed to have even stated what happened personally as it does not show you in s good light at all. You could have just said you snapped and someone and how do people manage temper but I honestly think you find it funny and are proud of what happened to want to share it like this. That in itself is a concern. I think, never mind worrying about management just working on how to cope within a work environment appropriately should be your next step. Have you spoken to your gp? Is it worth investigating other possibilities for such an irrational outburst?

ShatnersWig · 18/01/2019 08:47

I'm as equally unimpressed in the MD of this firm for his response as I am with the OP

Bluntness100 · 18/01/2019 08:55

I'm as equally unimpressed in the MD of this firm for his response as I am with the OP

Me too. I'm assuming very small firm. And not a good one. None of the employees in question are pleasant, from the md, to the tart guy, to the worst of all the op. ..not the kind of environment many would wish to work in.

TheDowagerCuntess · 18/01/2019 09:00

The OP is 22, and it's a small company. That's the only way this can even begin to be feasible.

ShatnersWig · 18/01/2019 09:05

@TheDowagerCuntess and @Bluntness100 you might find this previous thread of the OP's rather interesting.

What are the chances that it's this cunt who was the food "woofer"?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3430190-Office-shared-food-Would-you-say-anything

TigerTooth · 18/01/2019 09:34

I think that your language choice in the workplace - if this is true - was disgusting and you should be disciplined.
You could have really wiped the floor with him for his comments if you took him to task professionally but your behaviour was worse than his. If you were on my team you'd be in serious trouble for that.
Do you have children? Do you manage to control yourself for them or are you just as foul mouthed?