To have called him out in a spectacularly rude way..

[KittyVonCatsworth]

I know I need to manage my emotions and subsequent actions / behaviour better. I try, I really do bite my tongue but even holding it in I've just got one of those easy to read faces. Even when I'm trying to look nonplussed, people can obviously tell ( my manager commented about it just recently). However, I was just instantly triggered today and if I don't learn new techniques I'm never going to be one of those leaders that I aspire to be.

Today, a member of the team who I've had issues with answers the office phone and was quite abrupt with them. Another member of the team asked who it was after he finished the call and he replied 'just some tart from EDF'. It instantly got my heckles up and I said 'when I thought I couldn't dislike you any more than I do, you call women tarts you repulsive old cunt'. I then went a bit further with a character assassination. In my head and in my heart this is what I felt and IWBU, but I really want to know how others maintain a breezy, professional demeanour. I think eventually my tongue will be my downfall.

Please don't suggest I should apologise to him though, he's going in 2 weeks and his feelings aren't that important to me as he has the self awareness of a stick (which I also mentioned) so it would make no difference.

How do people manage their thoughts not manifesting into words and actions? This isn't necessary about the context of this example so I'm not looking for flaming or congratulations, just techniques if you have them.

Pearl clutching at its finest here.
She called a cunt a cunt.
No big deal.

Hes called someone a tart in the office, op countered with a cunt.
Fair enough to me

😂 All the people being offended at the word cunt. Op you obviously snapped, as long as you haven't got a reputation /history of exploding on colleagues then I wouldn't worry about it!

All the people being offended at the word cunt
It's a very very offensive word. hardly surprising some people get offended.
Do you not get offended by any words? Paki maybe? retard maybe? Or is language a complete free for all with no consideration for others?

I wonder if the OP would have had the same indignant reaction if he’d been referring to a man as a “dick head” or any of the other name-calls that are often levied at men.

Teeny bit unprofessional. An apology won't kill you - you could say that you stand by the spirit of your comments but just wish you hadn't expressed them quite so forcibly or with such unacceptable language.

Pearl clutching at its finest here.
She called a cunt a cunt.
No big deal.
Hes called someone a tart in the office, op countered with a cunt.
Fair enough to me

This.

Well done OP, I salute you!!!

You kick off at him for calling women tarts and then you use the worst word ever that a woman could use... don't make sense

You might have an anger issue. Maybe distraction technics will help. Leave the room, pinch your arm and don't say anything when you are seeing red. How old are you? It might be a maturity thing. Maybe buy a book with tips about anger management. It's really detrimental to your life not being able to control your emotions like that. What I don't understand it's that he was not even talking about you.

Hi OP,

Just so you know, in a lot of workplaces if you said what you said to the annoying colleague you'd be out on your ear with your P45 following shortly after. Just bear that in mind if you ever change jobs. Clearly it is not an issue in your current workplace but that may not always be the case if management changes etc.

First thing you have to learn is to step back mentally when you feel yourself being triggered. My initial instinct to is to act too but you have to be more strategic than that. You step back to allow your strong emotions to be acknowledged and dealt with internally. Go to the bathroom, get a coffee, pretend you have to fill your water bottle, whatever you have to do to go away and decompress.

Then you have to plan on what gets you the best outcome depending on who you are dealing with and the situation. As he is leaving shortly, I'd have let it go. A man like that won't change and won't have any respect for anything you said anyway from the sounds of him.

However if you get away with calling a colleague a cunt you have no chance of having the word 'tart' seen in a worse light by most people.

Also remember your own reputation. The colleagues you work with will judge you on your behaviour. If you want a good reputation, losing control is not good. Acting when you have a cooler head is much better.

@themoomoo

Being rather dramatic aren't you
How is calling someone a cunt the same as calling someone a paki? You really need to get over yourself dear.

Not just a cunt but an 'old cunt'. Or don't you take any notice of ageism
Conseulabananahammock and Yellowsubmarine79. Funny how sensitive some people are about some terms of abuse but somehow ageism can be ignored. (TBF MN is pretty good about calling on casual ageism).

brilliant it's pretty obvious some people will find certain words offensive. Not that tricky to understand. ( no thanks for the flowers).
And i find the word cunt as offensive as the word paki.
Not much to get over; both hideous offensive words in my opinion

Yellowsubmarine79
Finally, someone without pearls

Hmmm, I totally agree he needed calling out for calling someone a tart. Not in the way you did however. I know you know this and this isn't what the thread is about.

To be honest, the best come backs are the more eloquently put ones. Perhaps ask him if he understands what the word means? Can he please explain why she is a tart? Put him right on the spot and make him feel uncomfortable and embarrassed (it sounds like he wouldn't have been embarrassed by this, but others in future might), let him try and explain what he means by that or whatever and simply inform him that his outdated views are not welcome in the office and walk away. You can make a bigger impact by letting them dig themself into a hole and hardly saying anything yourself.

Also I am the queen of shower confrontations. My poor DH must hear all sorts as I am forever rights the worlds wrongs in the shower.

Also... for everyone being so upset about the word cunt (my favourite swearword) please just do some research into the origins of swearwords. You will find actually there arent many truly offensive ones as the origins dont match the use as a swearword.

What is wrong with people suggesting the c word is ok to use? I guess it depends on the kind of work culture you have but professional places of work do not put up with language like that - blue-chip companies would suspend/sack you. Maybe those that think using such disgusting language is acceptable work in a pub or something where you can behave how you like? It’s a horrible word and anyone that thinks they’re fit to manage behaving like that should dream on.

It’s nothjng to do with pearls it’s being a decent human. I think its ironic that a woman said such a horrible word to a man being sexist??!! Very classy and ladylike!??

I can't believe you said that haven't been hauled up before HR. It would be disciplinary/sacking offence where I am.

Also, as a manager, you should care about the feelings of the people who work for you, even if you don't like them. It's not like being with a bunch of mates, it's managing a team. You really need some serious training.

Sorry OP but I was with you until you called him a cunt. There are lots of clever ways to call someone out without having to reduce to insults.

You really need to learn how to bite your tongue

Oh, I hate people like you! The ones who say “I call a spade a spade” when they really mean “I think I can be as obnoxious as I like and get away with it.”

Your reaction was unprofessional and disproportionate (if any of this even happened; all that’s missing is “and the whole office cheered.”)

How does using disgusting language make you any better than him? Surely calling him out politely and eloquently would’ve got your point across a lot better? I agree he was in the wrong and sounds like a misogynistic fool from how you’ve described him, but you were utterly vile (and the irony in your chosen comeback is golden: let’s use the most misogynistic word we can think of to deal with a misogynistic, great idea!)

I’m cringing for you.

themoomoo

Each to their own. Obviously some people are highly offended by everything and anything .

OP asked for techniques only. I think the fact that you are here asking for help with this is great. Sometimes it just the realisation that the person in this example given has no significance in your life and therefore why should you waste your energy / time etc responding in anyway.
In any given situation that occurs and elicits this response from you, I would ask yourself what is that response about? Why do you respond like that? Why does it get you angry / upset etc and then explore those feelings. Look into NLP techniques and mini courses - this may help you in the future.

Only a tart would call a man a cunt.

Why is it such a horrible word?
Read the origins of it.
The word means vagina!
The reason it was turned into a swearword was back in the days women were made to feel dirty about their vaginas. Hence it became a derogatory word. By being offeneded you are continuing the ridiculous notion that the vagina is a dirty thing.
I say everyone needs to get onboard and use the word cunt. For the good of womankind.
Like the sufragettes and burning bras, except without the burning...or bras.
Cunt for all and all for cunt

Sorry KittyVonCatsworth
Got a bit carried away then haha.
High five from me on the casual cunting!