To have called him out in a spectacularly rude way..

[KittyVonCatsworth]

I know I need to manage my emotions and subsequent actions / behaviour better. I try, I really do bite my tongue but even holding it in I've just got one of those easy to read faces. Even when I'm trying to look nonplussed, people can obviously tell ( my manager commented about it just recently). However, I was just instantly triggered today and if I don't learn new techniques I'm never going to be one of those leaders that I aspire to be.

Today, a member of the team who I've had issues with answers the office phone and was quite abrupt with them. Another member of the team asked who it was after he finished the call and he replied 'just some tart from EDF'. It instantly got my heckles up and I said 'when I thought I couldn't dislike you any more than I do, you call women tarts you repulsive old cunt'. I then went a bit further with a character assassination. In my head and in my heart this is what I felt and IWBU, but I really want to know how others maintain a breezy, professional demeanour. I think eventually my tongue will be my downfall.

Please don't suggest I should apologise to him though, he's going in 2 weeks and his feelings aren't that important to me as he has the self awareness of a stick (which I also mentioned) so it would make no difference.

How do people manage their thoughts not manifesting into words and actions? This isn't necessary about the context of this example so I'm not looking for flaming or congratulations, just techniques if you have them.

Calling a colleague a cunt is bad enough but you then carried on? Yet you won't apologise?!

Didn't something in your brain fire to tell you to zip it? Or the look on his (or anyone within earshot) face?

And I think you've misunderstood what non-plussed means.

*Only a tart would call a man a cunt•

High five to thewarrenerswife

Unfortunately you've lost any moral high ground by calling him a cunt.... you are as bad as he is.

This is why I’m freelance, I can’t put up with cunts like him.

Can you not say to yourself "this cretin is beneath me and i'm not going to lower myself even to point out why what he said was wrong." Charging in with a counter attack, which you realise was an over reaction, never wins the war.

If you want to be a manager you need to have a really cool aloofness to this sort of behaviour. You would need to speak to that person in private and explain why what he said was offensive, but in a calm business like way.

Do you really think management is for you? You have a low patience threshold, and having to manage people from all kinds of backgrounds means that you have to be able to calmly explain why certain behaviour is unacceptable. It's not really a skill that you can learn per se - you either have that ability and understanding or you don't. I find management have to walk a fine line between empathy and having to recognise bullshit. You have to follow disciplinary procedures to the letter. You cannot under any circumstances lose your temper and use offensive language at a member of staff.

Management have probably already noted your own difficult behaviour. It seems like a bit of an anger issue - do you think counselling or CBT might help in some way?

Oh purleeasse do not use the C word ( cunt) ... my ears will bleed!... frantically clutching my pearls ( not necklace) and fluttering my fan...

@AnnieLouJ67 that book Chimp Paradox looks great, thank you! They don't do a Kindle version but definitely worth the hardcopy. A great recommendation. I've just downloaded John Maxwell's Be a People Person, a recommendation from a poster who PMd me so I hope it also ticks the boxes. Thanks again x

So using the word cunt is fine since it only means vagina right? how about a word beginning with N that simply means Black is that ok to use?

Cunt and the N word in the English language are two of the most offensive insults you can say and rightly in the vast majority of decent work places both are auto dismal.

Not even pregnancy can save you from the use of those words. (a former colleague when pregnant called a co-worker a fucking cunt because she forgot to put sugar in her tea and he should of know better since he has made her tea for over 9 months (he was her PA).

She was witnessed by 5 of us and then tried to take our company to a tribunal saying it was pregnancy discrimination as they were not making allowances for her (i am quoting this not my words) "Raging hormones and allowances should be made due to the fact that hormones effect woman's behavior so should of gotten a verbal warning rather then instant dismal for gross-misconduct".

Rightful the tribunal judge basically dismissed the case and actually awarded costs since it was a total piss take and waste of the tribunals time. (in my time working in HR i have only seen companies being awarded their costs 3 times).

MycatiscalkedElvis
The horror of it all. I must retire to my fainting couch and loosen my bloomers. This behavior simply will not do ...

The word cunt per se does not offend me. I use it a fair bit. (Not at people) It's not OK for a manager to verbally abuse their staff though.

OP used the word cunt because it is offensive and her intention was to offend. Otherwise she might have called him a "repulsive old gentleman" or perhaps a "daft hap'orth".

You just come across as quite unprofessional OP. Useless trait to have if you want to progress in your career.

Office politics are important - you need to learn how to be civil, bite your tongue and remain professional towards colleagues all of the time. Especially as management - you’re expected to lead by example. HR would have a field day with you, as you have literally been caught red handed in an inexcusable nasty outburst.

You need to be more smart in your responses to others and phrase your wording in a formal, professional and essentially arse-covering manner. So instead of going off on a verbal onslaught, you should have told him that he shouldn’t say that/he was rude to the client and take this up with his manager/HR through a normal processes rather than giving him a bollocking in front of others. One could say that you humiliated him and insulted him - it would absolutely be a valid complaint too.

Completely unreasonable!

Where do you work using language like that, an army barracks??

What he said was very inappropriate but what you said was WILDLY inappropriate.

I would expect to get a disciplinary for an outburst like that at my office. Not to mention your words were a personal attack on him/his character. You’re lucky not to be branded a bully by everyone that witnessed / will hear about the incident.

Also very shocked that you refuse to apologise. I would be having sleepless nights with the guilt and shame of being so outrageously rude to a colleague.

OP at least you recognise that you called out a rude dude in a spectacularly rude way. In the industry I work in swearing is the norm, although not often swearing AT people. My industry is very male dominated and there is a lot of posturing and 'I'm more important than you' type bs behaviour. I find it really irritating so I am regularly in your position. The last time something happened I called the guy out on his unprofessional behaviour. If we had not been in front of a client I may have been more rude but being in front of the client gave me the opportunity to calm down and eventually say, when the moment was right (and the client was not around) 'Your comments were inappropriate and it's not your place to say those things'. He said he knew that his mouth had run away with him. I really really disliked him (he's since left the company), I could have been alot more brutal because he really could have fucked things up and caused a lot of problems for our company but I had the time to calm down. I was lucky in that situation in that we were with a client. Maybe you could find an imaginary client to sit with you all of the time ;-). Good luck, it's not easy holding your tongue when dealing with difficult people all of the time.

Also your facial expressions need working on too. People ‘reading your emotions’ isn’t a good thing as a nasty facial expression may come across as you’re being rude, discriminatory, condescending etc to the other party. It’s not cute, endearing or ‘being real’ - again it’s unprofessional!

Imagine raising a grievance with your manager/HR and they kept giving dirty looks/negative facial expressions whilst you were talking - you would obviously get a negative impression.

Have you tried yoga or some form of mindfulness or meditation? Some Buddhist centres have courses or there's loads of books available and there are probably lots of yoga classes near you, just a case of finding a teacher and style you like. Hopefully one or both will help you deal with your emotions in a positive way and give you some relaxation techniques.

One really good stress-busting thing is to make your exhale twice as long as your inhale (so if you breath in for a count of 3 try breathing out for a count of 6). Another is to count breaths up to 10 and back to one, you think "inhale 1" as you breath in and ""exhale 1" as you breath out, then "inhale 2", "exhale 2" and so on up to 10 before starting again at 1. If you lose count, just go back to one. If you practice techniques like these in your own time and when you feel stressed, then eventually they'll become second nature and you'll feel more in control.

On what planet is it ok to call a colleague at work a 'cunt'. You sound very unprofessional and quite unhinged. If you worked for me I'd want you out

My technique is to consider the person as a bit of poo on the pavement. You don't stand and talk to it, or step in it, you walk around it and move on.

I think you are epic. I wish you were my friend.

@thenovice
That's a great technique, and one to remember.

Respecting people and being respectful of others are not one and the same.

I’m a great believer that respect has to be earned and can easily be lost, and once lost is nearly impossible to regain.

There are many people I work with that I don’t like and/or respect for a variety of reasons. However I can still work with them and treat them with respect and be professional.

How you treat people is a reflection of you, not them, and if you are disrespectful to someone it reflects badly on you and not them.

These things tend to come with emotional maturity and intelligence I think. I know someone at work who tends to go off at people like you did if he doesn’t like something (but without the filthy language). He’s been told off for it a number of times. He always thinks he was justified in what he did, and doesn’t seem to be capable of being objective about his own behaviour and the effect it has on the way people perceive him. He also always justifies it by saying “well they shouldn’t have done x, then I wouldn’t have shouted at them”, which is kind of what you’re saying - blaming them rather than taking responsibility for his own actions.

He now wants promotion to the next grade, and is having no success whatsoever. He is the only one who is surprised by this. The next grade to his is a management grade and no way on earth would he suitable.

As I’ve got to know him, I’ve come to realise that the root of it is insecurity, low emotional intelligence and extreme immaturity. I have never met anyone in their late 30s so immature.

I’m glad you’re trying to do some personal development, and I wish you luck with it. I really don’t think anger management is what you need to focus on though.

Maybe you’re just working in the wrong environment. I personally like a bit of honesty especially when it comes to cunts.

My face is like yours op! It says it all however I do manage to apply filter to my mouth!! I say it exactly as it is minus the swear words as I like to hog the moral high ground as I know this usually annoys the person it’s intended for more!! I have been known to say nothing & just shake my head whilst peering over the top of my glasses! This did far more at the person than if I’d said what I was thinking. He was raging & started shouting and swearing at me. I was proud of myself and a little bit smug!!😂

My sister also has a red hot temper. What has worked for her so far is to count (up to ten is never enough - I've had texts from her starting at 1000 and working down) or to remove herself from the situation until she is calmer. She isn't a manager (thank fuck!) so we worked on her practicing a phrase that she could use whenever she needed (for her it was simply "I'm sorry I can't discuss this now" followed by a sharp exit) and then go away even if just to walk round the building and back. If she's really raging she may just have to go without saying anything and apologise when she returns. And if you worked in our very sweaty office you would be up in front of a disciplinary panel - while we may swear about things it is never ever acceptable to swear at someone. It's also better to reprimand people privately, although in a case like that I might be tempted to condemn the behaviour there and then before taking the discussion I to a private space. Eg we don't use language like that here but I think even then I would confine my public commentary to a clipped come with me please.

Sorry, I don’t buy the OP’s post at all - I’m thinking it’s a bit of a leg-pull post. Because if it IS true, what IP said was utterly unprofessional, offensive and unkind. And no matter that he is leaving in two weeks and your opinion of him is obviously low, you should do the right thing and apologise. He was offensive, but two wrongs don’t make a right.

Personally, OP... i think you're a fucking legend....
.... but professional it aint. If this guys such a cunt... probably a formal grievance / discipliniary against him would've been the way to go. Hope he just fucks off as planned and you don't get in to trouble.