To be shocked that people still think it’s ok to hit their kids?

[MrsMuffins]

Coming out of the supermarket this afternoon, a man was walking towards me with two kids, probably aged 8-10. As I passed him (quite a way away as I was heading towards my car) he said something to the boy along the lines of ‘I’ve f**king told you not to do that’ and sort of lunged at him. The boy literally cowered back, obviously expecting a whack. It really upset me - part of me thinking I wish I’d said something, and the other part shocked that people really think it’s ok to physically intimidate and hit their kids. Is it just me thinking that this kind of thing isn’t acceptable any more?!

It's even more disgusting that a parent uses a weapon to hit kids.
Indeed. But this is actually another manipulation to displace the fear and responsibility.
So instead of saying "I am your dad/ mum and choose to hit you", these parents used the displacement of fear into and object. "If you don't behave, the belt will hit you"
Hence conflicting the child even further into thinking the punishment is not being given by the parents, but the inanimate weapon, as if then the parents have no choice to follow the threats and hit.

A common denominator on victim manipulation and establishing control by fear (fear of God) and a tool used by domestic abusers (see what you make me do/ see what happens when you...)

All about shifting blame from the perpetrator, who will never take responsibility and instead produce the "never did me any good" "what he/ she needs is a good smacking" nonsense as a response

Books and books written about it.

But some people are just impenetrable

@MrsMuffins they always pop up with those old chestnuts 🤦🏻‍♀️

YANBU. Smacking children is what cunts do, end of.

My parents smacked me, and when smacking is ineffective cos it’s used too liberally. What do you do then? My parents decided to physically abuse us belts, hoover tubes, garden canes.... or you know a punch in the face. I once stood in the way of my dad at 8 years old to stop him ‘smacking’ my little sister at 2. Because you can’t turn back once you’ve started down that line, and when a child doesn’t care about being smacked you’ve lost any authority.

Those that agree with it. You are physically abusing a child for your own benefit, and that makes you a cunt.

My stepfather would tape me on an old fashioned tape player and mike making me say I'd wet the bed and I was a naughty girl, he'd then play it to my older step siblings, think that was even worse than being beatings. I once got beat because a child who lived in the street kicked a ball against our front room window, I wasn't even playing out it had nothing to do with me x

@StubbleTurnips 😪💙

I need to get off this thread, hate the word, but the triggers triggering badly at moment x

Flameycakes / stubbleturnips

I will never ever hit my children. The fear i felt about the impending belt will never leave me. My mum almost enjoyed the prospect of the punishment. I talk to my children if they are misbehaving and explain why it's wrong. I back it up with warnings and then restrictions on treats. Id never subject them to a physical assault as they are too precious to me to want to hurt them. My oldest boy told me earlier on he hated me because I didn't have his favourite in for him. Then he told me about an hour late he was sorry and he was so tired which is why he told me that. He's now snuggled up next to me fast asleep and wouldn't do that if I had slapped him. I guess what I endured makes me more understanding and receptive. I love my boys so much.y

That's lovely imtryinghard. Far more rewarding than tears, resentment and bad atmospheres.

@Imtryingveryhard how lovely

Just had a cuddle and a cup of tea of my eldest, gawd only knows how I've managed to bring up 3 such beautiful boys, think things are raw with me because I've just started therapy, I have to write down when things come into my head, the situation and how I feel. Just nearly filled an a4 page in minutes inbetween sobbing, gasping for breath and blowing to calm myself down, wasn't expecting that when I replied to this post xxx

I've never met anyone who doesn't have stories to tell about getting hit! Not one. Doesn't matter the level of abuse it's still causes them bad memories.
How can anyone tell their own child not to hit or bite and do the same? And why are parents losing their shit that bad to hurt their child?...
Odd smacking leads to where? Once you make excuses for one thing another step doesn't seem so bad.

@flameycakes I’m so sorry, I never intended for this thread to be triggering. I hope this doesn’t sound patronising, but well done for starting therapy - that’s a hugely brave thing to do, I hope it helps x

@mrsmuffins don't be sorry at all, and thank you, it took me a long long time to seek help, to even admit I had a problem, it's my time to beat these things that have been like an invisible ball and chain, onwards and upwards, never will I give in xxx smiling now xxx

I will never smack my children, because I remember how it felt, not the pain of the smack and but just total resentment at being treated that way. Absolutely hated them for it. It made me respect them less too, as a child i understood the difference between threats/hitting cos basically they've lost control and a geniune deserved consequence. In school/life shouty/angry teachers/people are the least respected and have the lowest authority. Parents that hit are on the same scale, if you need to hit - you've already lost your power.

Just don't hit anyone. No one deserves it. Least of all a little defenceless child who has unconditional love for you and cant understand what they have done to deserve that. I have one child in my sons class who runs up to me every day to give me a hug. i have no other involvement with her other than seeing her for 2 minutes before class. She said to.me that she sees my son getting a hug and a kiss before he goes into school and she wants one too. She gets shouted at every day by her mum in the play ground and I guess she just wants some kindness. Kids are frustrating at times but they are there to bring out the best in us, not the worst.

One thing I do know is that after getting a smack for a particular wrong doing/ behaviour, I sure as shit never did it again. I never feared or resented my parents either since it always came after plenty of warnings and other discipline techniques, which I totally ignored. My parents are fab and I’m not traumatised or scarrred or anything like that.

What others are bringing up here, the beatings with objects, and punching for no reason is abuse.

Personally I can see a massive difference and I’d probably smack if I needed to (no kids yet).

Pathetic people saying they need to hit small children.

My son has autism and despite difficulties with his behaviour growing up, he has turned out lovely - not through smacking and making him feel fear - but by putting in the hard work teaching him appropriate social skills, teaching him how to manage his anger and offering rewards for good behaviour. He wants to behave well as he knows it is the right thing to do - not because he has been frightened into doing so.

To people who justify hitting small children but not adults as children are not as cognitively advanced as adults - would you think its ok to hit adults with intellectual disabilities or with dementia?

One thing I do know is that after getting a smack for a particular wrong doing/ behaviour, I sure as shit never did it again. I never feared or resented my parents either since it always came after plenty of warnings and other discipline techniques, which I totally ignored. My parents are fab and I’m not traumatised or scarrred or anything like that.

Here it comes...
That old chestnut

I sure as shit never did it again. I never feared or resented my parents
Bit contradictory this, again showing the manipulation of children by parents that smack

So, you "sure as shit never did it again" yet you claim there was no fear.

So why then didn't you? Wasn't it because you feared you would be smacked?

This is why any pro-smacking argument never holds up, it is all a convoluted mess

It's weird posting knowing you'll get abuse but here goes.

Disbelieve me if you want but I was smacked as a child (although I could probably count on both hands the amount of times) and I can honestly say it never did me any harm.

So many people on here refer to smacking as 'hitting' or even 'violence' or 'abuse', terms which, in my opinion, are either being used to further your argument or show a misunderstanding.

My experience (as a child) and understanding (as an adult) is that smacking should be:

• VERY infrequent
• Not painful for the child
• Not done in anger or as a 'last resort'
• NEVER leave a mark
• Never be the result of a 'loss of control'
• Follow warnings
• Be explained by the parent as to the reason

The physical act of a smack is not (and certainly SHOULD not) be with the aim of inflicting any pain/harm to the child, nor should it be a form of 'punishment'.

The purpose of the physical act is so that the child knows then have crossed a line (possibly because their behaviour is potentially dangerous or harmful to themselves or others). A light smack on the bottom (again, not leaving marks or inflicting pain) engages the child's brain and makes them more aware of your words/explanation.

If you choose not to smack your child then that's fine and I fully respect your choice. If you choose to smack your child in the way described above then I think the abuse you will (as I inevitably will) receive on this thread is unjustified and, to be honest, a little 'holier than thou'.

IF, HOWEVER, you regularly 'smack' your child, inflict physical pain on them, do it out of frustration or anger, leave a mark or accompany it with aggression (or aggressive language), basically, if your form of discipline/punishment could, even remotely, be described as 'violence' then, yes, you are indeed scum.

PBo83 if you need to get an adult’s attention do you smack them? If you think a colleague or relative isn’t listening do you hit their bottom?
I would suggest there are plenty of ways to get a child’s attention other than hitting them. I work in a nursery, we have quite tight boundaries and don’t tolerate much nonsense. Funny how we manage to cope without hitting any of the kids

Fear of being smacked isn’t the same as fear of my parents in general ffs.

@Drogosnextwife
That’s absolutely awful! That poor little girl

missyB1 No, because adults at work behave in an adult fashion (generally) it's a moot point.

You cannot talk to a small child in the same way as you talk to an adult and, if you try, then you're rarely going to engage them (in both positive and negative ways). Do I heap praise on my colleagues just because they did what is expected of them? Of course not but you may well do with a child as it's all part of learning right from wrong.

Would I advocate shouting at children, no, because it shows a loss of control (I am, of course excluding occasions where it is necessary to raise your voice in order to be heard or in emergency situations). Would I advocate smacking as a form of punishment? No, of course not as that's medieval.

The way so many children seem to behave these days (not all mind you) demonstrates that there IS a lack of effective discipline and boundary-setting in the home. I'm not suggesting that smacking is a solution but am suggesting that this "let's all treat our children like 'little adults', be their friends and 'negotiate' with them" attitude really isn't working.

Obviously this varies depending on the age of the child. This is really only relevant for smaller children as older children KNOW when they're misbehaving and, if you haven't set boundaries before then (possibly because you wanted to let them 'express themselves') then it's safe to say that a bit more discipline in the younger years may not have been such a bad thing.