To be shocked that people still think it’s ok to hit their kids?

[MrsMuffins]

Coming out of the supermarket this afternoon, a man was walking towards me with two kids, probably aged 8-10. As I passed him (quite a way away as I was heading towards my car) he said something to the boy along the lines of ‘I’ve f**king told you not to do that’ and sort of lunged at him. The boy literally cowered back, obviously expecting a whack. It really upset me - part of me thinking I wish I’d said something, and the other part shocked that people really think it’s ok to physically intimidate and hit their kids. Is it just me thinking that this kind of thing isn’t acceptable any more?!

I don't smack my partner, my cats, my colleagues or friends when they do something wrong or even dangerous. I don't see why on earth it's ok to snack your own child.

I was born in 1981 and was never smacked. I'm honestly shocked so many people on here think it's ok, and suspect them all of being goady fuckers because surely very few people smack nowadays?

That's interesting whatswith

I was born at the same time as you and was hit all through childhood. I guess that puts pay to the whole 'of the time' parenting argument if your parents never hit you. Do you know if it was unusual in your friends families too?

I’d love to hear the rationale from smackers as to how it works to change behaviour if they think it doesn't Cause distress, pain or fear?

@MrsMuffins

evidently the way you hit your son has absolutely zero effect on his behaviour, as he continues to act out despite you hitting him.
He doesn't continue to act out. It does stop him from doing it again (If it didn't I would stop, and chalk it up to yet another technique that doesnt work with him).
Unfortunately he can't translate it to all situations though, so he can realise that strangling DC1 at home is not to be done, but if were out and playing with another child he doesn't yet realise that the same reasoning applies.

you’ve already stopped his bad behaviour as you’re able to ‘calmly, with eye contact, explain that his action was unacceptable’ - so why hit? What does it solve? Clearly it doesn’t stop him misbehaving again, as you’ve described.

Before, I couldn't stop the behaviour. I would have to physically wrench him out of a dangerous situation (potentially risking the safety of DC2 while doing so), now because of a previous smack in a similar situation I can quickly say something to him (when I see him going in for something) and it makes him stop before the violent/dangerous act. The repetition of this reminder is what I hope to become ingrained in him and he'll begin to think this way without my prompting. And this is what I've seen, so it is working.

I do hope he is not trying to be naughty. He lacks empathy and doesn't realise that what he does has consequences. Smacking him has given him a hesitation now, where no other method has.

I 100% will tell him I love him afterwards, because, well, would you rather I didn't?! I'm making a distinction between the boy that I love and the behaviour that I don't. I hope you tell your children you love them after every time you sit them in time out, or take their favourite toy away.

No, I wouldn't support DH hitting me because we have a much higher level of cognitive understanding and reasoning, and he can get a better effect by just talking to me.
Like I said before, I have tried all other techniques and nothing works.

I smack him to stop him from being a danger to himself and others. If he was an adult he would be put in prison/mental health facility, if he was a dog he would be put down. But because he's a child I'm just supposed to ignore it even though I have the tools to deal with it and stop it progressing??

If the Jamie Bulgar case could've been prevented by the boys' parents smacking them when they were young, do you think it would not be have been a worthwhile avenue to explore?

I don't expect people to understand, you've probably never come across a child like mine (I hadn't before I had him!) so just wouldn't understand the usual parenting methods not working.

I'll try to keep responding if you want me to, but reading and replying takes up more time than I thought!

Oh I am sure the children who murdered poor Jamie Bulger were smacked. A lot. What a fucking offensive post. Again

Has anyone noticed non smackers are actually very angry, aggressive people.....

If the Jamie Bulgar case could've been prevented by the boys' parents smacking them when they were young, do you think it would not be have been a worthwhile avenue to explore?

For fucks sake.

@Veterinari

I’d love to hear the rationale from smackers as to how it works to change behaviour if they think it doesn't Cause distress, pain or fear?

Of course it does. That's exactly how any behaviour technique works. Taking their favourite toy away - distress, fear, emotional pain. Sat in a time out - distress, fear, emotional pain.

Wet behind the ears then OP.....come back when you have my experience 34yrs

That’s a bit patronising. If the OP is fundamentally opposed to hitting then that’s probably not going to change. My eldest is nearly 13 and my stance hasn’t changed so it’s unlikely to now.

@ElevenSmiles pretty sure just having done something for a long time doesn’t make you fundamentally better at it I will never hit my son as neither I nor DH agree with it, and we will use other parenting techniques to manage bahevuour, as we’ve always done. End of.

@IsItCoffeeTimeYet pretty sure that neither of those examples would cause distress, fear, or emotional pain. Understanding than an action has a consequence, yes - but fear or distress from taking away a toy?!

Op you started with the over 10 years experience...I just trumped you...As for your end of....pathetic........

I'll never forget my trip to Warsaw this summer. A woman's daughter stepped into a paddle, and the woman started screaming at her and hitting her like mad. She was literally hysterical over that. Ok, yes, it did look like her daughter stepped into that paddle of rain water just for fun but, c'mon, which ones of us haven't done it as kids?

Most of the stuff most kids get told off for (and some, admittedly, even smacked!) is quite trivial and insignificant. I think most parents will regret most of it when older. And, yes, I agree that hitting children is not on. It's equivalent of bullying and those, who do it, only do it because their children can't hit back. Like all bullies.

Yes, many of those people say "oh but you don't know what it's like...." Whatever! Those people would never dream of hitting their boss, for example, no matter how much s/he pisses them off. That means they can and will control themselves if need be and simply don't see it as necessary with their kids because they don't have to. Their kids can't stand up for themselves and can't hit back. That's the simplest reason why people hit their kids.

ElevenSmiles IME smackers are the angry aggressive people. People who have been "encouraged" by SS to have anger management training.

I wouldn’t snack my children, but one thing I find worse than smacking is people being judgmental of other people’s parenting.

Let parents parent.

@ElevenSmiles you might have been a parent longer, but my point was that, in over ten years of working with adolescents, I have not once seen a situation where hitting would have been an appropriate or useful response. I’ve been screamed at, sworn at, physically intimidated, and I’ve dealt with it all by not hitting.

I used to think it was okay to smack children, seeing as I was smacked and so was my DH. I thought that we grew up fine and had great relationships with our parents and are not mentally scarred.

Only recently I realised I don't have a great relationship with my parents really , I'm just scared of them and always want to keep them happy even if I'm not. Neither mine or my husbands mental health is great. So it clearly did impact on us.

I used to smack my son when he was little but then he started smacking me back- so I stopped, then he also stopped. Now our home is completely against smacking and better for it I think.

I can’t see a situation in which snacking is ever helpful. For me, it represents a loss of control from an adult- how can you teach your children to express emotions properly, if you don’t do it yourself?

zippey - really?

People seem to complain about 'judgement' with the question 'how does it affect you what other people do?' To which I ask, how does it affect someone to be judged? They might feel bad, or think twice about their choices?

Well, so what? If your choices are so great (or so insignificant), then what does it matter what someone else thinks of them?

Whereas if your choices might raise an adult human in society, who might interact with me or my loved ones, who has the same democractic and legal rights as me, who might be someone who I employ, or a friend, or a lover of mine? Damn right I judge if your actions as a parent might result in that person beign violent, or anxious, or annoying.

Let parents parent

Yeah, why not. Let’s just turn a blind eye to abuse shall we. What could possibly go wrong?

Remember this poor boy

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-coventry-warwickshire-24106823

Or this one

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-edinburgh-east-fife-36722114

In fact, I could be here all day citing cases where children have been murdered due to “letting parents parent” and turning a blind eye to abuse.

“If the Jamie Bulgar case could've been prevented by the boys' parents smacking them when they were young, do you think it would not be have been a worthwhile avenue to explore?”

That’s the lowest I’ve ever seen any stoop in any internet discussion.

Horrific to see some people still believe in hitting kids for discipline, you must be a pretty incompetent parent to have to resort to hitting to be heard.

We don't "smack", we don't shout, we don't swear, and we try to avoid saying things like "shut up", because they are rude. Which basically means I behave with my children as I behave with the vast majority of people, why is that so odd or hard to do?

I have a relative who "smacks", she is not a bad person, and she loves her children, but she is a little insecure, and she is always worried about being "respected" by her kids, it's as if she sees her kids' misbehaviour as undermining of her, as a personal affront, and smacks to reassert her dominance, she does it both in anger and more coldly, I find the latter more disturbing frankly.

She is also extremely rigid, and a little blunt, in the sense that she is not very subtle or emotionally competent, she is the "my house, my rules" kind of person, and not very good at talking and negotiating. To me, it seems she uses smacking as a way of imposing her rule, in short, she is an authoritarian.

@IsItCoffeeTimeYet
If the Jamie Bulgar case could've been prevented by the boys' parents smacking them when they were young, do you think it would not be have been a worthwhile avenue to explore?
Aside from being an absolutely horrendous comparison, by all accounts those boys had a horrific home life, and were physically abused and worse.

@OpalIridescence - I know my partner was hit with a belt. He hated his father (not just for that, but it didn't help). Never really talked about it with friends, but none of them smack now, that I know of at least.

Yes it is awful. We got smacked as DC but it was the norm, a hand or leg, some DC got battered on another level and still do today.
Thankfully most people know it is wrong and will help or report when possible.

The worst was going for a smack, my DM would say come over and take your a smack, thankfully it was rare, her DM used to beat her so she never used much force, to this day she will tell me to smack DS when he is misbehaving. I don't.