To wish people would stick to 'the rules' re book club entertaining

[parishmeeting]

There's ten of us in the club, we meet once a fortnight, and we take it in turns to host. The agreement was that the only refreshments offered would be tea/coffee/wine. That way it didn't become a hassle for anyone. A few months ago one member had a birthday cake because it had been another member's birthday the day before. Fair enough. Then the next host produced biscuits and fruitcake. Then another host had a cheeseboard and a bowl of crisps. We're meeting tomorrow night and have been told that 'a light supper will be provided'.

It's now getting to the stage where anytime you host (which is about 5 times a year) you're going to be expected to provide a meal. That wasn't the idea and not all of us are happy about it.

AIBU to wish people wouldn't do this? My aunt said the same thing happened with a card group she belonged to. It went from tea and biscuits to fancy suppers and people got fed up.

Our book group fell apart a year after it had become a supper-club, I remember stressing about doing a 3 course meal (including vegan and wheat free options, that seems normal now for any group of 8-10 women) on a night I first had to take the kids swimming.

It was hugely stressful from a logistics point of view

I had to cook my gluten free vegan meal (not containing mushrooms, as someone else hated mushrooms) in advance, then heat it up once back from swimming, then running around the house tidying like a loon....

Then serving up my glutenfree vegan aubergine bake....as well as a pudding and had to do a fucking starter too

Not worth it

I don't DO dinner parties, I hate them, as people are so demanding about food these days

I only cook for my "normal" friends who are happy with a pizza, chilli or a curry

Can't you send a polite e-mail to the group to remind them of the original agreement. Otherwise this added pressure of hosting expectations, may result in numerous participants leaving.

Might take some to my next book club, which meets* at a restaurant and where we have dinner. The horror

Klobluchar, my book club meets at a restaurant as well. Not sure what that has to do with the topic of this thread, which is about people ignoring an agreement that hosting at home wouldn't turn into members having to prepare meals and fancy snacks.

Meeting at a restaurant is actually a sensible plan if people want a diners club. But this isn’t supposed to be that.

How was the agreement made initially though? Did someone just say «oh let’s just do coffee/tea/wine» and everybody nodded, or was there a discussion and the decision was made?

Personnally I wouldn’t mind, if someone wants to offer food why not, and I wouldn’t feel the pressure to do the same.

Klobluchar, my book club meets at a restaurant as well. Not sure what that has to do with the topic of this thread, which is about people ignoring an agreement that hosting at home wouldn't turn into members having to prepare meals and fancy snacks

It doesn’t, I just wanted to show off that I was in a book club and that it met in a not very fancy restaurant

If you take turns to host in a book club and you have school aged DC, is it during the week? Are your DC & DH relegated to their rooms and under instructions not to enter the living room?

A light supper? Does that mean eating twice in the same evening? Sort of a warning you to eat in advance because it's not a full on meal - just nouveau cuisine sized.

I went to a book club, where we did drinks and nibbles. But most people wouldn't eat nibbles because they were trying to control their weight. So it was a bit of a trial for them, and lots of food was wasted.

Yes it was discussed and agreed. We were deciding between booking a room in the library, meeting in a pub or going to each other's houses. In the end it was agreed we'd meet in houses, but that it shouldn't turn into an occasion where the host had to spend money and time providing fancy food so we decided wine and hot drinks and leave it at that. As I've already said, no one thought anything of someone asking if anyone fancied a biscuit or putting a bowl of crisps on the table. But upping the ant to light suppers etc is a different thing,

Apparently, according to another member tonight's host was talking to the supper is going to consist of quiches, cold meats, bread rolls, salads and cheese and biscuits. That's the kind of thing we were trying to avoid.

This is such a great thread, which has reminded me why I left my book group. I'll read it when I'm feeling nostalgic and thinking about returning.

Maybe the trick is to be sure all participants are like-minded, which must be almost impossible when you have 10ish people in a group. This brings me back to my three-people-in-the-pub idea.

babygrey7 chilli and curry are the perfect vegan gluten free meals! And pizza pretty easy now with a gluten free base and vegan cheese options.

Remind them that it isn't a Supper Club. Have there been new members who aren't aware of the no food rules?

No. Two people have joined since the discussion but it was made very clear to them that anyone hosting should only provide what was agreed.

The whole point of the bookclub (apart from discussing books, obviously) was that it was meant to be a relaxed casual thing. We sometimes meet up on non bookclub nights in smaller groups for a drink or to see a film or even to have a meal out. But the Thurs meetings were meant to be easy worknight affairs that didn't take up a lot of time or effort.

Sounds really lovely of the 'light supper' host to me. She's not complained or expected anything else from the rest of you, so just enjoy it and say thank you graciously. She may enjoy cooking and want to treat you all. It's kind of her.
Why make a big negative deal of it, OP?

The OP is not making a big negative deal of it. She's understandably irritated that an agreement that was made when the group was formed, and decided upon as it is what the majority wanted, is now being ignored.

And it is disingenuous to say that other hosts shouldn't feel under pressure to provide something similar. It is very awkward, if someone has gone to trouble and provided a meal, to stop the next host from feeling pressurised to do the same. At which point it starts to becomes a norm and the person who sticks to the original tea and biscuit arrangement looks like they're happy to eat other people's meals but can't be arsed to provide the same.

Nothing lovely about what light supper host is doing, she is deliberately changing the agreed rules of the club to suit herself and what she wants to do/expects without any reference to what the others feel about it.

Agree with pp that it is disingenuous to say that other hosts won't feel awkward/pressured into doing something similar and that imo is exactly why light supper woman is doing it.

I agree. I have a friend who would do something exactly like this. She loves turning every simple event into something elaborate and complicated. You can't arrange to meet her for a sandwich and coffee at lunchtime because it will somehow morph into a meal in an expensive restaurant with wine. If you accept an invitation to drop around for coffee she will have half a bakery laid out on the table and some fancy pants coffee that costs a fortune.

I just know if she joined a bookclub like the OP's there is no way she'd stick with crisps and biscuits. Before you know it she'd be opening bottles of prosecco and getting platters of sandwiches from the local deli while insisting it was 'absolutely nothing'. She doesn't realise how annoying and off putting this can be, but it is.

Our book club has 15 members and 12 will turn up on average. I couldn't seat that many in my house. How on earth do you all cope?

That's one of the reasons why some members don't host, they just wouldn't have the room. But they will bring wine to other people's houses or a packet of biscuits sometimes.

I have a set of doors between my sitting and dining room so I can make them into one bigger room. Some other members have kitchen diners that can take a crowd. One woman has a very big conservatory and we sit in there with heaters.

So, how did book club go, OP?

Was anything said about the light supper/ original agreement?

I always think the wine is the expensive bit...I wouldn't spend more than about £10 on the food. We only just manage once a month, and usually only about half of us have finished the book... mostly working mums with a handful of retirees who always manage it!
So it's only once a year, not a great hardship.

Light supper lady totally hadn’t read the book and therefore was using the kitcyas an excuse not to sit and discuss

*kitchen as

I totally get you OP. I’m amazed others on here don’t. I work long hours and have a family and a book club wouldn’t be something I’d consider because I’m so bloody tired all the time. A book club with a strict agreement of no suppers I might be drawn to.

If a group is set up with an expectation then people should stick to it. If people can enjoy each other’s company without food then brilliant. Food doesn’t have to feature in every social event and it is quite telling about society that most people on this thread think it does.

I think drinks and a biscuit if needed is fine. But I completely see why you don’t want it to go further than that.

Don't provide a meal next time you host and DON'T send a general email - it will end in a bun fight.

Host soon, and privately nobble the person who will host after you, to see if they will stick to the original agreement. 2 in a row should reestablish the convention.