To wish people would stick to 'the rules' re book club entertaining

[parishmeeting]

There's ten of us in the club, we meet once a fortnight, and we take it in turns to host. The agreement was that the only refreshments offered would be tea/coffee/wine. That way it didn't become a hassle for anyone. A few months ago one member had a birthday cake because it had been another member's birthday the day before. Fair enough. Then the next host produced biscuits and fruitcake. Then another host had a cheeseboard and a bowl of crisps. We're meeting tomorrow night and have been told that 'a light supper will be provided'.

It's now getting to the stage where anytime you host (which is about 5 times a year) you're going to be expected to provide a meal. That wasn't the idea and not all of us are happy about it.

AIBU to wish people wouldn't do this? My aunt said the same thing happened with a card group she belonged to. It went from tea and biscuits to fancy suppers and people got fed up.

One persons 'light supper' may be another persons full meal. What do you do - eat something beforehand and be faced with a table groaning under the weight of food, not eat beforehand and be presented with a cracker and a triangle of dairylea? Do you eat the light supper before discussing the book, afterwards or whilst eating?

The rules agreed originally are far better and cement expectations as to what will be on offer.

You've really got to stamp on this now. At the end of tomorrow's meeting I would thank the host for the light supper and say how lovely it's been - as a one off. Then confirm the original rules and make sure that the next host sticks to them. It shouldn't be too difficult if several of you feel the same way.

Competitive catering always happens in groups. My book group has been going over ten years now and started with the rule of wine and bought nibbles only. People have sometimes tried to escalate it but so long as you deal with it straightaway things can be controlled - and most people will be grateful.

To the poster who said if it goes down this road you will always get one or two competitive members trying to raise the bar - spot on! It's the eager beavers that cause problems - effectively volunteering everybody else for a shedload of time, effort and expense they didn't originally sign up for.

A ladies group I attend has occasionally gone from social drinks with a bit of supper to lavish three course dinners that I don't want and just don't enjoy because one or two people "thought it would be fun". ( albeit from the best of motives). It's being toned down again now because a few of us have resisted and kept things informal on our nights, but it can so quickly get totally out of hand.

We do wine, fruit juice, and bowls of crisps and popcorn. Dead easy, and we meet once a month. Has worked fine for ten years.

It is hardly a hassle to open a few packs of crisps and put out olives and dips.

Just do that.

StoppinBy

I'm looking forward to Australia day and my annual timtams - considering making lamingtons this year.

OP

I suggest a group biscuit tin. The person hosting puts something in the tin, whatever is served must fit in the tin. It could be biscuits, cheese, cake or anything but just a small amount.

*You don't have to go mad, you could get a couple of big pizzas from the Asda, cook and cut them up and provide some nuts and crisps and still have change from a tenner.

If you don't want to do it then I think you have to bow out of the group really. You cant have some people providing food and then you not doing really.*

Bear in mind the book club probably also includes buying a book - which can be £6/7.
Why on earth should those who don;t want to provide a meal bow out - the thing was set up on the idea of tea/coffee and biscuits. They aren;t changin the goal posts. It is in the evening - most people will surely have eaten. If people want a supper club - they should bow out.

The ' it's no hassle to buy a ouple of pizzas and cook them' shows the thinking that goes on in these situations. It is a bit of a hassle actually i you work, come home get your kids sorted and fed and then have to mess about with pizzas - it's a book group, for the purpose of reading books, not a pyjama party.
i fpeople are determined to be the hostess with the mostest they can provide cooked stuff, but there should be absokutely no obligation on others to do the same. if people moan that they are providing food and others only biscuits then they hav a simple solution - go back to j ust providing biscuits or leave.

I'd bring it up at the meeting OP - you will find several people agree with you and things might get on track. (I belong to a bookclub - they are seething hotbeds of discontent )

And yes, my complaint is as Lydia said - the fact that it's now escalated into a supper and will possibly end up becoming a full on meal.

That will only happen if people keep escalating it out of some sense of "one up man ship" of the last host.

I would send a message round before the next meeting asking that it goes back to tea/coffee/wine as the focus is moving away from the actual book part of the evening.

"Dear . As lovely as it has been to extend the get togethers especially over the festive period (and have an excuse to indulge in some extra treats!) can we please remember that the original agreement was wine/tea/coffee while we discuss our book, not a supper club. Nobody minds the odd nibble during the discussion but we are getting into the territory of sit down meals which is not what this club is supposed to be about."

Hmm, I actually think it's rather irresponsible to be offering wine with no snack to help absorb it.

I think it's also not fair to blame other participants for erring on the side of being more hospitable. You're only annoyed because you don't want to extend the same degree of hospitality and you feel like this makes you look bad. That's all about you, not anyone else's behaviour. You don't have to provide food but you don't get to dictate that others don't.

Bear in mind the book club probably also includes buying a book - which can be £6/7
Libraries do special arrangements for book clubs. You order the number of copies and then can keep them much longer than usual. It's free.

I think it's weird to see giving people food as being some kind of nasty one up manship. If someone just dropped in to chat for 10 minutes or give back something borrowed, I would offer tea and biscuits - unless I had to shoot off for some reason. People sometimes come to say hello and stay all evening, including dinner wine and all the accompanying fun. Isn't that just nice, something to look forward to - a guest in the house is God in the house etc etc? I would hate to think that they were worrying about having to give me stuff in return. Tho fortunately I really don't think our friends/neighbours think like that.

I don't have anything useful to contribute but the mention of a light supper is making me very nostalgic for my uni days, when I fell in with a group of very posh people and discovered for the first time that for some people, supper is not a slice of toast and a cup of tea at 9.30 at night

OK, TimTams look quite nice.

I think they're like Penguins, FaFoutis. You can suck a drink through them, IIRC.

The offer of a light supper was the "final straw"? FFS. The offer of food is normally from the heart not a place of malice.

What time does it start? Maybe some don't have time to eat before coming so a bit of food is a good way to keep group together?

I was a member of a perfect book club - late enough so that children were settled and other halves could be back and everyone had eaten something at home so that a glass of wine/water/tea or coffee was all that was needed for the host to offer. No need for snacks as we had all eaten. Lively discussion of a variety of books and authors and I always had my literary horizons extended.

I was invited to join another club which rapidly turned into competitive hosting- full spread of Ottolenghi style buffets, walk around the latest interior design feature or extension , gossip taking up half the time, desultory and brief discussion of books during which the whole point of critiquing the book under discussion was banned as that was somehow a criticism of the person who had suggested the book. Distinct impression that it was performance Book Clubbing - they liked to say they went to one , but books were very low down on the reason for getting together.

Am now in one run in the local library - no food or drink ( except take your own water) diverse group of attendees, no cost as the the books are provided, very interesting debates if a somewhat earnest atmosphere.

It would piss me off too, op- if people wanted it to be a food and book club why not set that as the expectation at the start, rather than having a clear "wine/tea/coffee" agreement and then not sticking to it?

Host does a cheese board everyone else brings wine as we meet from 8 so everyone e has eaten. We only meet every 6 weeks or so. Been going for years so seems to work

Agree with PP - buck the trend and don't provide. Everyone will secretly be pleaEd6

Yes, Timtams are quite similar to Penguins although I think Penguins have a denser biscuit (and more chocolate). The drinking tea thing through them was demonstrated by Natalie Imbruglia on Graham Norton, years ago

I totally disagree Rainbunny. It was agreed, at the start, that hosts wouldn't have to go to a lot of trouble supplying cooked food or elaborate snacks. When one person does it, it puts pressure or places embarrassment on those who wish to stick to the original agreement and also changes the nature and emphasis of the occasion.

flipping heck that tim tam video might have changed my life! Or at least my evening.

I'm in a book club and this would annoy me as well. We meet on a Tuesday and most of us have come from work or putting kids to be (or both). The last thing anyone needs is to have to start getting a variety of snacks together or preparing a meal. It's supposed to be a very relaxed evening with the emphasis being on discussing the book with a cup of tea or a glass of wine in your hand, not everyone having to sit down to a table full of food with plates and napkins being handed around etc.

Not everything has to become a fancy hostessey affair. There's nothing wrong with a group of people just getting together for a cuppa, a glass of wine and a bit of discussion.

All this nonsense about 'oooh I couldn't have people in my house without offering them something'. If it's been agreed between everyone, then of course you could, and bloody should.

@ShadyLady53 I'm impressed with the number of activities you do! I'd love to do both am dram and choir

@macmacaroon I don’t do all of those activities now! I have at some point done all of them, just not at once. You should definitely join a choir or theatre group if you fancy it and have time, lots of fun.

I'm a member of a group that meets weekly in a cold, draughty school hall where, in Winter, we all have to keep our coats and scarves on and still go home with numb hands and feet.

We used to meet in people's nice warm homes, on the strict understanding that the person being kind enough to give up their sitting room for the night (and put up with their partner and kids moaning about having to use the other room and keep the telly low etc) would only be expected to provide a cup of tea or coffee. One of the other members would usually bring a packet of biscuits or a cake and that was it.

Then one or two people, when it was in their house, started making up plates of dainty sandwiches or offering three different kinds of cake etc and other people became reluctant to offer to host because the same would be expected of them. Then the people who had started the expectation of food started complaining that it was 'always them' who had to offer their house.

I can see some of the posters on here being like that. Just refusing to accept an agreement that kept things simple for everyone and allowed the evening to focus on what it was meant to, and turning it into a totally different kind of evening while genuinely thinking they were just being nice and hospitable.