To wish people would stick to 'the rules' re book club entertaining

[parishmeeting]

There's ten of us in the club, we meet once a fortnight, and we take it in turns to host. The agreement was that the only refreshments offered would be tea/coffee/wine. That way it didn't become a hassle for anyone. A few months ago one member had a birthday cake because it had been another member's birthday the day before. Fair enough. Then the next host produced biscuits and fruitcake. Then another host had a cheeseboard and a bowl of crisps. We're meeting tomorrow night and have been told that 'a light supper will be provided'.

It's now getting to the stage where anytime you host (which is about 5 times a year) you're going to be expected to provide a meal. That wasn't the idea and not all of us are happy about it.

AIBU to wish people wouldn't do this? My aunt said the same thing happened with a card group she belonged to. It went from tea and biscuits to fancy suppers and people got fed up.

I'm sure the people offering food think that they are being kind and hospitable. Unfortunately, they are also being thoughtless. Because they have changed the expectations which had been agreed by the group and potentially put other people in embarrassing situations.

I would definitely want to say something. Remind everyone that the expectation was just drinks and that the focus is on the discussion of the book. 'Light supper' is absolutely ridiculous. A pack of biscuits or crisps may be fine, but not required.

I do think the lady offering the 'light supper' may think she is being kind, but there is a certain sort of pass agg 'kindness' that can really ruin a group. My book club had an early retired member who wanted to lay on a big spread and then moan about being tired to frazzled full time working mums. That big spread was not seen as an act of kindness and the lady with lots of time was not considered a gracious host. Sometimes people to think and reflect on their behaviours.

it puts pressure or places embarrassment on those who wish to stick to the original agreement

Only if those people decide to get upset about it.

Nobody can 'place' embarrassment on you – it's not a hat. It's a feeling you get when you place more importance on how you look or what other people think of you than you do on being yourself and doing what you want.

The people offering more food / fancier food are either coming from a place of care, wanting to give people as lovely an experience as they can, or a place of insecurity, where they worry so much about coming off as stingy that they overdo it.

Neither of those things are crimes, and neither of them twists anyone's arm unless they decide to twist it themselves. The refusal of some posters on here to take responsibility for their own lives is incredible (and I don't mean you by that, OP – your post was fairly mild compared to what's bubbling in the thread).

What next – don't wear your favourite jumper in case it makes other members of your book club insecure about their jumpers? Don't smile too widely at people in case other members of your book club don't have as much FACE as you?

Eat some food, or don't. Offer biscuits, or cheese, or make dinner. Talk about your book, go to bed, wake up, life goes on. What's the worst that will happen?

As PPs have said, send a message as a reminder, or just stick to the original agreement yourself and don't think anything more of it. Let people get on with doing their thing, and you do yours.

The unnecessary drama of some situations really does my head in....

Your analogies are ridiculous ladybee and far more dramatic than anything that has been posted on this thread.

@fieldsgrowingdark - yes, I exaggerated for comic effect – I am fully aware that nobody (yet) has been worried their face isn't big enough.

But thanks for the heads up!

Well maybe you thought it was 'comic' but it sounded rather aggressive and sarcastic.

Ironically ladybee you are the poster to have created the most unnecessary drama about the situation .

I belonged to a book club. Some hosts provided a few bags of crisps, others would provide cheese and crackers/sausage rolls/quiche/chips and dips, either homemade or bought fromM&S on the way home; one would make amazing chillis, one meat and one for the vegetarian and some people would never host at all. No one cared. We each proveded what we were happy providing and I don't think it ever crossed anyone's mind to feel guilty or to compare their offerings to someone elses. Possibly because everyone would bring wine and we'd just get very pissed enjoy each others' company.

That's fine jammie. But in the OP's case it was agreed that it would be kept to drinks only, with the understanding that the odd packet of biscuits or bowl of crisps would be okay. I don't know why people can't just stick to that when it's obviously what the majority want.

A friend of mine is in a book group where the host provides " lovely home-made cakes and tray bakes" when it's their turn. Nooooo! !

"I'm sure the people offering food think that they are being kind and hospitable. Unfortunately, they are also being thoughtless"

I've just recently relocated back to the UK and Jesus this is such a VERY British thing to complain about! Only in the UK will people find other people's hospitality a passive aggressive offense!

Lol i agrée rainbunny! I’m in France, our book group meets monthly and we have a full 3 course meal as well as discussing the book, choosing the next one, and drinking too much vin ;-) to be fair, the host only provides wine and apéro snacks: everyone else brings a dish to share. We don’t generally start eating until 9pm, finishing around 11 with dessert and tisane.

Well, behaviour is likely to be British in Britain - is that a problem for you? Finishing eating at 11 sounds awful to me - nearly as bad as a 'light supper'. I'm in a book club because I enjoy reading and want to talk about books. I'm happy to get pissed but have no interest in fucking about with tisane.

How hard is this to understand? No one is saying that ALL bookclubs have to be drinks-only, that it's wrong to ever offer people food in your home. But THIS bookclub agreed to do things a particular way and now, I think, it is perfectly reasonable to be annoyed that some people are unilaterally choosing to ignore that.

Tim tams are nicer than Penguins, in my opinion. (Nothing to offer re. Drinks/food at a Book club, but how is it possible to offer wine if people are driving? Also, I’m in Ireland and no one ever offers tea or coffee without something worth it, in my experience, so just having a drink and absolutely nothing with it would seem strange to me.

“With” not “worth”! 😳

how is it possible to offer wine if people are driving?

It is easy, you say 'would you like a glass of wine?' and they say 'no thanks, I'm driving'

Exactly BridgetReilly All these people coming on saying "well at our book club we have lovely quiches and blah blah" are totally missing the point. It was agreed, at this bookclub to keep it very simple as that is what the majority wanted. Then a couple of people come along and decide to start escalating things up until now someone is providing a full supper. That puts the next host in an awkward position. I don't understand how people can't understand that.

Really fancy a Tam Tam right now

I bloody love Tim tams.
(And books)

I didn't see the OP saying that everyone was driving. I presume some people share lifts and some live within walking distance.

Might take some to my next book club, which meets at a restaurant and where we have dinner. The horror

Suggest meeting in the pub for a change of scenery, and some top quality salted snacks.

fieldsgrowingdark the posters who don't understand are those parading their hosting credentials and giving the OP tips on how to host are light supper woman personified.

I cannot believe the price they charge for TimTams!! They are about $3au a packet here and 2 for $5au when on special. I wouldn't pay almost $15au for them but they are pretty yummy, especially the double coat.