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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish people would stick to 'the rules' re book club entertaining

181 replies

parishmeeting · 16/01/2019 11:47

There's ten of us in the club, we meet once a fortnight, and we take it in turns to host. The agreement was that the only refreshments offered would be tea/coffee/wine. That way it didn't become a hassle for anyone. A few months ago one member had a birthday cake because it had been another member's birthday the day before. Fair enough. Then the next host produced biscuits and fruitcake. Then another host had a cheeseboard and a bowl of crisps. We're meeting tomorrow night and have been told that 'a light supper will be provided'.

It's now getting to the stage where anytime you host (which is about 5 times a year) you're going to be expected to provide a meal. That wasn't the idea and not all of us are happy about it.

AIBU to wish people wouldn't do this? My aunt said the same thing happened with a card group she belonged to. It went from tea and biscuits to fancy suppers and people got fed up.

OP posts:
Lydiaatthebarre · 16/01/2019 12:27

YANBU. I'm in a group that sticks strictly to a glass of wine or tea and coffee with nothing more than a packet of biscuits or some crisps as a snack.
The reason being that some people get more anxious about hosting than others and if we didn't have a 'rule' they would start worrying and over providing and jumping up and down to get this, that and the other out of the kitchen.

I know my sister would be like this if she had to provide refreshments for a group. She wouldn't know how to keep it simple and would start buying all sorts of stuff 'in case' someone didn't like the filling in the sandwiches or the type of cheese on the crackers or whatever.

My mothers bridge group, who meet in the morning, are the same. It's tea/coffee and biscuits. Nothing more.

Patroclus · 16/01/2019 12:27

I cant stop saying 'candlelit supper' in a Mrs Bucket voice now.

LoadOfUtterBoswellocks · 16/01/2019 12:28

supper? What....a bowl of Frosties at half nine?

Bluetrews25 · 16/01/2019 12:29

Sounds like it is going to turn into Come Dine With Me.
Why not discuss it, and they can make their own group for food, and keep the book club separate?

Lydiaatthebarre · 16/01/2019 12:30

I think some people on here saying 'why can't you just....." don't realise how these things get out of hand. You will nearly always have a couple of competitive members trying to out do each other and the whole thing becomes a huge effort for the host who finds themselves having to follow two meetings where a gourmet dinner was provided and wondering how they're going to look if they just open a packet of hob nobs and fill a bowl with crisps.

Just stick to the agreement. It was made for a reason.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 16/01/2019 12:31

You can't stop people hosting and catering in their own home in the way that they wish

Those of you who don't want to do all that just de-escalate with your offerings, or lack thereof

" light supper" sounds pretentious af tbf

Klobluchar · 16/01/2019 12:31

You host 5 times a year? How often does your book club meet?

FaFoutis · 16/01/2019 12:31

What are TimTams?

RiverTam · 16/01/2019 12:31

it's a book club, attended by adults, who can communicate with each other in a variety of ways.

arethereanyleftatall · 16/01/2019 12:32

It can't be a breaking the bank situation, as the op said wine was provided. Wine is far more expensive than a few snacks.

I'd put out nibbles tbh, regardless of the rules, seems joyless otherwise.

The 'light supper' person can do what she wants, but the next person should just bring it back down to nibbles.

EssentialHummus · 16/01/2019 12:32

Every two weeks klo - which frankly I'm impressed by! We barely manage every other month at mine.

ShadyLady53 · 16/01/2019 12:32

I have to admit, I wouldn't dream of having anyone in my home without offering so much as a biscuit alongside a cup of tea or coffee. It seems pretty cold towards visitors. I don't think it's fair to object to people having a bit of cake, a couple of bowls of crips or a packet of biscuits available...it's not really much effort or expense. You can get a packet of custard creams for 25p. Exercise classes and sports/gym aside, I've never been to a hobby where there wasn't a plate of biscuits at the tea break - am-dram, choir, music rehearsals, volunteer meetings etc. Maybe, it's just what the majority of people are used to?

I don't think you can enforce these kind of rules in other peoples' homes. Feel free to email saying, "Tea, coffee and wine will be provided only, in accordance with club rules" when it's your turn but it's not really fair to harbour ill feeling towards people who want to provide a little something extra like a biscuit with a hot drink or some cheese and crackers with wine. Yes, maybe a supper is over-egging it.

jennypilgrim · 16/01/2019 12:32

I suspect some of the posters on here are the very ones who would annoy other members by refusing to stick to the agreement and providing increasingly elaborate amounts of food to the dismay of other members.

Pachyderm1 · 16/01/2019 12:34

A light supper is OTT but it sounds a bloody miserable book club if you aren’t even having a few biscuits or some cheese.

If others are annoyed too then just reset expectations on your turn by only offering drinks. Alternatively, start bringing something small to other people’s houses and start a trend of everyone pitching in with a token.

Ikabod · 16/01/2019 12:35

Yep. Our Mum's Pub Club has become Mum's 3-course-supper club. I always have supper before I go, so it's me watching 5 other people eat, but I refuse to cave because I just don't want to Grin

Howdoyoudoit31 · 16/01/2019 12:35

@FaFoutis - I think Timtams are an Australian biscuit brand

KitKat1985 · 16/01/2019 12:36

Honestly I think it's no real issue to put out a few crisps surely?

RiverTam · 16/01/2019 12:37

TimTams are like Penguins. Australian.

Missillusioned · 16/01/2019 12:37

No wonder we have an obesity problem, if people are shoving cake and biscuits at you the minute you enter their house for any reason.
Yes I know you're not compelled to eat it, but if you're sitting round a plate of cakes for over an hour, most people are going to crack aren't they?

MatildaTheCat · 16/01/2019 12:38

Once a fortnight is really often! Are you quite newly formed? After 17 years we still struggle with monthly.

Anyway I kind of see your point because we do each provide quite a spread of dips, cheeses, naice breads and meats etc and frankly it’s quite expensive. However we each only host once or twice a year so no biggie and it is always both delicious and fun.

I think some clubs really are all about the literary chat and a cup of tea and others (most) are a lovely social. It sounds like your group is a bit divided on which sort of book club they want to be part of.

Would you consider suggesting less frequent meetings and a compromise on the amount of refreshments provided?

jennypilgrim · 16/01/2019 12:38

I don't think the OP has any problem with a plate of biscuits or a bowl of crisps. She is posting because it has gradually slid into a small meal which could easily escalate further to a full dinner. I would certainly want to nip that in the bud.

I'm in an am dram group. We usually rehearse in the local parish hall, but when we occasionally use someone's house there's no expectation of tea and biscuits. Fine if someone provides them, but no one is considered 'miserable' if they don't.

RiverTam · 16/01/2019 12:38

you think that obesity is caused by this? Really?

Ethel36 · 16/01/2019 12:39

I think getting some crisps/pretzels and biscuits out would be enough. It would cost £3ish. Tell everyone beforehand that it's drinks and nibbles only.

DonCorleoneTheThird · 16/01/2019 12:42

you think that obesity is caused by this? Really?

actually, yes a bit. Partially by that need that we have in this country to have a snack at all hours of of the day and night.
For a gathering, it doesn't seem that bad to provide a few nibbles, but look how many people couldn't consider having people around without providing them food.

RedDogsBeg · 16/01/2019 12:42

You are, presumably, all adults at this Book Club Group so behave like adults and discuss this. At the start of the meeting say it seems that the original agreement regarding catering has changed and is now morphing into more of an eating club with the book part as an add on and you feel the group should discuss and agree whether this is the way the majority want to go.