1 child left out.

[Mummyomg]

My brother and his fiancee have set a date for their wedding later this year. He has asked for my 2 sons (His nephews) to be pageboys (aswell as his other nephews). My daughter (His only niece) is not a bridesmaid. The bride's own 2 or 3 nieces will be bridesmaids. My daughter is not in the wedding at all, wasn't even given a choice. The children will be 5, 6 and 8 at the time of wedding. The youngest two are the boys.
Am I wrong in thinking that it's not fair on my daughter to be left out, or is this usual? We've not had a wedding in the family for years so I don't know what is normal.

8 is too young to be a bridesmaid? @LegoPiecesEverywhere, have you been to any weddings? Some people have bridesmaids of 2, or even younger.

I think it’s really mean and hate the idea that your wedding day is YOUR day and sod everyone else. Ultimately it’s about joining two families and if this little girl is about to become part of the bride’s family then she should be treated as such.

Lots of nice family photos for the grandparents, featuring their grandsons, granddaughter excluded. Nice.

Opportunity for the grandparents to make s big fuss of the precious sons, while the daughter learns her place st the back of the bus.

But yes, it would cause a family rift to do anything.

I would think of this as "a bit of a shame but not the end of the world". And I wouldn't let it take the shine off the day for your DSs or DD.

The B&G have decided what they've decided, and there's no rule that says all siblings in a family should be included in the wedding party.

I say yes to the big party frock and having a great time. There is a lot of prep in being a junior bridesmaid and she may even have a better time without the hairdressing, rehearsing and sitting about that is often involved in being a member of the bridal party.

At weddings I have been to, children have often presented the bride and groom with a horseshoe for luck outside the church after the wedding. It's a nice wee photo opportunity and lets them feel involved without making a big production of it. I think it's fallen into disuse a bit (you used to get lovely tacky cardboard horseshoes in card shops). But it certainly happened at my own wedding 20 years ago. And when my DB got married, we had polished up a real horseshoe and threaded it on a ribbon for my 2 kilted DSs to present to the bride and groom. (You could make it another good luck charm or little gift if you wanted - but nicely wrapped so it's visible on camera.) Just a thought. And you don't need to ask permission to do that but you could casually mention it will happen so there are no surprises on the day. What I wouldn't do is make a big thing of it or say it's to give your DD a role because the B&G haven't.

I hope you all have a lovely time.

I was just wondering what the 'norm' was and how other people would feel.

I wouldn’t feel anything. He has picked male attendees and she has pick her bridesmaids. If, as you say, your daughter isn’t upset about it and your DH doesn’t feel it’s unfair, it seems the only one making it an issue is you. I have never attended a wedding and though “oh poor little Sophie isn’t taking part” and neither will any of your guests. It odd that these days people think their DC have a right to be part of the bridal party.

I agree with your husband.
This is completely fair.
Every wedding is different.
It looks like the groom's side will represent the groom and vice versa.
If that's the way this is going, it would be completely rude to expect the bride to include your daughter. Your brother on the other hand, can include her as a female page-kid. Think Sex and the City 2. Bradshaw as the best man.
Your brother is the one doing the excluding here. He may not be consciously doing it though. It's a sexist society and we haven't fully broken out of certain traditions.
Traditionally, the SIL relationship can naturally be strained. I advise that you pick your battles. Their wedding. Their choice. If anyone can make a change, your brother can include his niece in his entourage (not hers).

A wedding is about joining families, isn't it? When I married DH, I became part of his wider family, and he became part of mine. His sister's children were my nieces, because I married their uncle. No, I wasn't technically their aunt at the point I chose them as bridesmaids, but the event they were part of was also the event at which I properly became their aunt. I don't understand all this "She's chosen her own nieces." That's exactly what the OP's Dd will become - her niece.

Maybe my family is unusual, but I totally feel part of the family anytime Dh's family get together. I love my nieces on that side, and would do anything for them. Similarly, DH is part of all my family gatherings without question or reserve. My sisters kids adore him and he plays with them and helps look after them. They are his nieces and nephews as much as mine. And it all means that all the kids have extra people in their lives to look out for them and care for them. What's not to like?
I'd much rather that then the "She's chosen her side, your DB has chosen his side. Your Dd will just have to learn life is not fair". She will. But I'd hate to have thought a future niece of mine felt I didn't care about her quite as much as the other children, which is potentially, whatever you say to her, how she may end feeling (absent from loads of the official photos etc).

“I don't think my dd will be too fussed, “

Then it is a non-problem.

And the posters saying guests will notice and ask her (of course they won’t) and projecting that all ANY little girl wants us to be a bridesmaid and especially wear a spectacular dress are demonstrating exactly how adults whip up problems where non exists by buying into wedding hysteria and sexist stereotypes.

I hated wearing dressy dresses when I was a kid. Many young girls do. And yet ‘but her a special dress’ is offered as a panacea for as assumed emotional upset throughout this thread.

Boys withheld from being page boys because a girl dies not have the opportunity to live the Ultimate princess dream as a bridesmaid.

Look at the currency we attach to all this.

It bears thinking about.

Yes @Saturdaynight I have been to many weddings and bridesmaids are usually teens/adults. Aged 5 and younger are usually flower girls.

Also the bride isn't a stranger, they've been together for 10 years

Is everyone else in the bridal party known to your DD as well or will the Bride be expected to make sure your DD is okay on the Bride's wedding day.

An entire day of people asking Infront of her why she wasn't in the wedding and her brothers were. Who the hell would even ask that, is that what you all do when you go to weddings? check for equality in family representation?

The wedding is abroad, so what rehearsals are you talking about?

How is it public humiliation (drama much?), the day is not about her.

I'm sure it will all be fine. This is literally the way to create society's snowflakes (And there, I said it, we now have Bingo)

Good grief. The way some posters are going on you’d think the bride and groom are rubbing their hands with glee and cackling over the fact they’re deliberately persecuting one child intentionally to make them miserable.

When in actual fact it’s probably just down to practicalities and financial constraints.

Unless the bride is including every single female child in her family in her wedding party, YABU.

No, I'm not (and wasn't) angry about hair colour. What I am angry about is that someone took advantage of an already fraught situation and put me in a position where I'd be the bad guy. Unknown to me, they'd been encouraging their daughter's idea that she would be a bridesmaid (rather than tell her no, it doesn't work like that) so by the time I was aware of this, the little girl had been dreaming of being a bridesmaid for months, and I couldn't shatter her dreams because I'm not that mean.
This person also staged a big argument at the wedding deliberately and went off crying because they like drama and weren't getting enough attention .

I could have written a whole raft of aibu if mumsnet had been a thing at the time.

Sorry, I just went and read one of your responses.
OP, it doesn't matter if SIL has no nephews or if she has known your family for 10 years. It's not quantity. It's quality. The fact that this conversation is being had here shows me there is some underlying tension or friction. Are you not happy for your brother and this particular relationship? Weddings are very challenging although it looks effortless and wonderful on the day. The bride and groom are usually unaware of all the little issues everyone around them have with them. Im sure it's unintentional.

I hate it when people get so obsessed with their 'right' to do things their way at a wedding. Who cares what is formally normal..it's clearly mean to leave one sibling out.

She does have a role at the wedding. She’s a guest. Lucky girl gets a nice new outfit and can wriggle more during the service.

There is no requirement for every child in a family to be a bridesmaid or page boy. My youngest has been bridesmaid whilst older wasn’t picked and vice versa. It’s not unfair, it’s not unreasonable, it’s just the decision probably limited by cost or numbers. Good way to teach a child they can’t have everything and to cope with disappointment.

Just because siblings are picked doesn't mean they all have to be included.

My sisters and I have been bridesmaids together and separately it really isn't a big deal

Bride chooses her party.

Groom chooses his party.

Why are you fussed if dd isn't bothered?

From your updates, I think I would say that yes, I would be disappointed on my daughter's behalf, but I would still stick by what I said earlier and don't make a big deal of it. I don't think they have done anything wrong and your DD will still have a lovely time at the wedding and gets to wear a dress of her choosing that won't be the same as the other girls have to wear. I think your own attitude will very much set the tone for her to take a lead from. This is the boys turn to have a role and it may be their one and only but your DD might have other chances. Have a great time and a nice day out choosing her outfit.

I'd add that I have two DC a year apart and when one got invited to something that the other would have also enjoyed you do feel emotionally disappointed for them, but your head knows they are allowed to have some things just for them. The only time I have turned something down where one was invited and not the other was when they had a shared friend who's mum offered to take one of them out for the day and not the other. She only had room in the car for one. I felt that was completely understandable but crossed the line as it was a completely mutual friend so was really one being picked over the other.

Weddings are very challenging

Only if you make them do. Otherwise it’s two people and two random witnesses going to a government building for half an hour. The rest is just party planning, and if you find planning challenging, don’t plan parties.

Your brother doesn’t get to choose his brides party. I’m sure she just wants her family there on the morning and being in charge of. Seriously, your 8 yr old shouldn’t really be her bridesmaid. It might have been very kind to have her but it makes more sense not to.

A normal lesson for your child is that sometimes things like this happen and she will get things the boys don’t at other times. Make it nice for her on the day. Maybe both get your nails done together and get her a new (mom bridesmaid!) dress etc etc.

Non bridesmaid....

It is tradition - he has males from his side as his party, she has females from hers as hers. That said, I would have thought that most people would see that having to explain to an 8 year old that she doesn't get to be in a wedding when her brothers do is pretty tough - perhaps there are lots of boys on her side not included though?

It does seem mean.

RTFT People.

The OP has said “I don’t think Dd will be too fussed “