Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

1 child left out.

294 replies

Mummyomg · 15/01/2019 20:01

My brother and his fiancee have set a date for their wedding later this year. He has asked for my 2 sons (His nephews) to be pageboys (aswell as his other nephews). My daughter (His only niece) is not a bridesmaid. The bride's own 2 or 3 nieces will be bridesmaids. My daughter is not in the wedding at all, wasn't even given a choice. The children will be 5, 6 and 8 at the time of wedding. The youngest two are the boys.
Am I wrong in thinking that it's not fair on my daughter to be left out, or is this usual? We've not had a wedding in the family for years so I don't know what is normal.

OP posts:
kitkatsky · 16/01/2019 10:44

I think YABU sorry. The bride picks her bridesmaids. She prob has her own nieces/ friends that she wants to include

Lookingforadvice123 · 16/01/2019 10:55

It's a tricky one OP. I think they've just been thoughtless rather than deliberately exclusive, and it only really seems a bit mean because your daughter is the only one left out (rather than if you had two daughters who weren't invited to be bridesmaids, which wouldn't seem as bad).

8 is a tricky age though, I'd say she's too old to be a flower girl, but too young to be a bridesmaid. It also is the Bride's choice for the female side of the wedding party, and again she's probably just not thought of your DD. Explain to your DD that traditionally the female side tends to be from the bride's family and leave it at that. I had four adult BMs at my wedding, which didn't include SIL, as I have one sister of my own and had three other close friends. Four was enough!

Orchidflower1 · 16/01/2019 11:02

If your dd wouldn’t be too bothered ( as you put in you update op) why oh why are you getting worried about it?

PurpleCrazyHorse · 16/01/2019 11:12

I think it's a bit thoughtless but they might think that your DD wouldn't want to spend the morning getting ready with some strangers. If she's only chosen her own nieces, they might get ready with just one parent between them, as they could know each other already. If she has your DD, then presumably you'd have to be there with her too. She might want to get ready with just her family there, without feeling like you/your DD need to be looked after (you know, just making a cuppa in someone else house you don't know well etc, presuming they're getting ready at home). Basically, I don't think it's personal to your DD or your family.

At 8yo, you should be able to explain and it's only for the very short bit of the wedding, the rest of the day the younger kids are likely to be sat with the main guests. I'd buy her a new outfit so she has something nice to wear like her brothers. Then enjoy some 1-2-1 time with her during the morning while the boys are busy, maybe go out for breakfast etc.

ferrier · 16/01/2019 11:18

My bridesmaid was 2.

ferrier · 16/01/2019 11:20

Adult bridesmaids are often known as matrons of honour.

Faultymain5 · 16/01/2019 11:24

@ferrier, I was under the impression.
There is a chief bridesmaid, who is then called a matron of honour if she is herself, married. They are likely to be one of the witnesses to the wedding.

Bridesmaids are simply decoration maids that help get the bride ready.

I mean I've only been married once and I've never heard of the etiquette of letting the groom choose anything his male family members and the bride choose her female family members, but it does make sense, if you wanted to (olden days of course), pair them off.

Faultymain5 · 16/01/2019 11:25

when I say maids I mean young unmarried virgins women.

Can't believe how antiquated all these nonsense is.

WaxOnFeckOff · 16/01/2019 11:28

If we are talking titles then I though maid of honour was usually used if the attendant was married or sometimes maybe if they are chief bridesmaid? Children were usually flower girls. Bridesmaid was usually the bride's single peers.

TheFrequentNameChangingLady · 16/01/2019 11:28

Of course it's unfair!
I'd be mad if I was you!
Your DD is her niece too!

Faultymain5 · 16/01/2019 11:42

@WaxonFeckOff
But i don't think she can be maid if she's married.
I think (correct me if I'm wrong) Maid of Honour and Chief Bridesmaid are interchangeable.

joanmcc · 16/01/2019 11:45

Groom chooses the boys, Bride chooses the girls is completely standard. This is not your wedding, back off and don't be that person.

choli · 16/01/2019 11:48

A married bridesmaid is called a Matron of Honor, reflecting that she is no longer a maiden.

Yep all a bit grim to me.

MissEliza · 16/01/2019 11:53

I couldn't have excluded girls from my dh's side. Apart from feeling rotten about it, I liked the dcs from his side. I do think it's a bit off if the bride has known your dd her whole life. However, not every little girl wants to be a bridesmaid and if your dd isn't fussed, then it's not a problem.

Aeroflotgirl · 16/01/2019 12:43

I think it was, to leave op brothers only niece out, and include her 2 brothers was thoughtless. All this antiquated nonesense about men being responsible for the boys/men in the wedding party, and the women being responsible for the girls/ladies in the wedding part to justify this. A couple of my male friends, chose young bridesmaids in their wedding party,it was a joint decision between their fiancee and themselves, which is what it should be about.

Add to that, dd will be left out of the photos which show her brothers and not herself. If your dd is not bothered leave it, if she is, I would decline your ds being pageboys. Yes it is bride and grooms decision, but it is up to op whether her sons are involved, just as much as it is a decision to decline a child free wedding if you are not happy about children not being invited. To trot out an old Mumsnet favourite, it is an invitation, not a summons! Though I can see from this thread, that it only applies to certain things.

Faultymain5 · 16/01/2019 13:16

Is there a reason why she wouldn't be in the photo? Why couldn't she be in the main "everyone photo", why couldn't she be in the "grooms family" photo? Why can't they just take photos themselves with OP's DSs and DD. I don't get that. I think not wanting to be responsible for someone else's happiness on my day is fair. The bride would probably end up babysitting the 8 year old, trying to ensure she doesn't feel left, out alone in a room full of strangers (bar the bride). That's actually thoughtful.

Aeroflotgirl · 16/01/2019 13:27

yes bride and groom can do what they want, but op can decline her sons taking part. It does not mean you can be mean either, I think leaving 1 child out of a sibling group is mean, I would never do that. When I was planning my wedding, I tried to be as thoughtful as possible, I had 1 good friend as bm and also dh sister. If dh sister had kids, there was no way I could have 1 of them, and not the other, noway. My reasoning was that if people around me were happy, I was happy, and I tried to be as thoughtful as I could.

Aeroflotgirl · 16/01/2019 13:28

For the record, I have a half sister, but we are NC and have been for 20 years. She did not attend my wedding.

Auntiepatricia · 16/01/2019 14:20

I’m sorry but why the hell could the 8yr old not be part of the grooms party then.

Auntiepatricia · 16/01/2019 14:21

(Not that I think she needs to be in the wedding just because her brothers are but she certainly doesn’t need to be in the brides party).

Aeroflotgirl · 16/01/2019 14:25

If the girl is not fussed, it is a non issue, just go ahead.

Confusednewmum1 · 16/01/2019 14:30

Sorry but I really don’t see the issue here - maybe because I have done the same thing kind of. DP has 1 niece who is 8. I don’t plan on including her in our wedding at all. My flower girls will be my daughter and my niece who will be 1 & 3 at the time. It’s weird to me that the grooms family would be part of the bridal party. Also she is 8 so too old to be a flower girl and too young to be a bridesmaid. Is it you that wants here to be involved??

reallyanotherone · 16/01/2019 14:33

Sexist shite.

She’s basically being left out because she’s a girl.

She should be offered a pagegirl role or something elso on the grooms side.

This is why I have no time for weddings. I don’t care if it’s the “done thing” or “tradition” but excluding or including based on sex seems antiquated nonsense.

2isabella2 · 16/01/2019 14:44

@Confusednewmum1 I think that's pretty harsh too unless you're not at all close.

Justkeeepsmiling · 16/01/2019 15:09

It's a little unfair to be left out, but, it is their wedding. I suppose they have to stop somewhere or everyone they know would be involved in the wedding somewhere