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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

1 child left out.

294 replies

Mummyomg · 15/01/2019 20:01

My brother and his fiancee have set a date for their wedding later this year. He has asked for my 2 sons (His nephews) to be pageboys (aswell as his other nephews). My daughter (His only niece) is not a bridesmaid. The bride's own 2 or 3 nieces will be bridesmaids. My daughter is not in the wedding at all, wasn't even given a choice. The children will be 5, 6 and 8 at the time of wedding. The youngest two are the boys.
Am I wrong in thinking that it's not fair on my daughter to be left out, or is this usual? We've not had a wedding in the family for years so I don't know what is normal.

OP posts:
Madeline88 · 16/01/2019 06:29

I don’t think it is unfair. You can’t have everything all the time. I came from a family of four, at an uncles wedding one was pageboy and one was an usher, other two sat with parents.

Madeline88 · 16/01/2019 06:33

OP some of the people on this thread are insane. Just talk to your brother if you are really that upset, don’t refuse to go to a wedding because some crazies think that he thinks your children are “disposable” 🙄 people on here really are mad!

whassupmissus · 16/01/2019 06:34

I don't think thats unreasonable at all. The bridesmaids are from her side the pageboys from his. Not your wedding so not your place to have an opinion. If you don't like it withdraw the boys as page boys. Personally though I wouldn't have an issue with it

PinkGin24 · 16/01/2019 06:35

Gebuinely cannot belueve how self-centered and and self-entirled some people are!? Bride and groom havw NO oblugation whatsoever to make ant certain boy or girl page boys or bridesmaids. It is up to them ans it is bot selfish, or unfair. It is their day and their choice - not a party pur on for the sole purpose of your children having a 'role' in it!

Hannahmates · 16/01/2019 06:38

YABU. Your DD is invited to the wedding. It's not going to kill her that she has no role. In fact she probably won't care. This is their wedding. Respect their decisions. The bride already chose her nieces while your db chose his nephews.

Unambitiousme · 16/01/2019 06:39

Why would you want to go to the wedding of someone who regards some of your children as disposable?

FGS, Really? Equally as dramatic is the suggestion that the bride and groom are being ‘cruel’. It’s stressful enough planning a wedding without other people making it about them. You don’t know whether there are any little boys on the bride’s side ‘ left out’ whose sisters have been chosen. Also, to refuse to allow the boys to take part will just cause bad blood between the OP and her brother/ intended SIL unnecessarily. Honestly, it’s a lesson in life the daughter has to learn. The daughter’s response will be very guided by the messages she will be picking up from OP. If the OP is able to refrain from presenting it as a personal rejection and approach the day more positively, the DD is likely to do the same.

ReflectentMonatomism · 16/01/2019 06:49

It’s stressful enough planning a wedding

It can be as simple or complicated as you like. If you choose to do any more than a lunchtime trip to the registry office it’s entirely your problem if it’s stressful.

The idea that s wedding should be a chance for uncle self-absorbed to teach life lessons to eight year olds over their parents’ heads is silly too. Precisely the Same lesson is available to the couple when the op doesn’t attend.

strawberrisc · 16/01/2019 06:52

Ridiculous! He’s picked for his side and she for hers. There may be girls on her side that aren’t included as well. Imagine if all these disgruntled parents on both sides started asking for their kids to be included. Go to the wedding and enjoy the day.

Unambitiousme · 16/01/2019 06:52

Its not the uncle who is ‘self-absorbed’.

ReflectentMonatomism · 16/01/2019 07:02

Right. Perhaps it’s the bride as well.

Faultymain5 · 16/01/2019 07:12

I'm more concerned that you (And so many mumsnetters), think it would be better to be upset about this, possibly not go to your brother's wedding at all, than explain to an 8 year old the situation (Do you even know if she cares?). Building resilience so they can make it in the real world is your actual job. Not everyone gets a trophy, not should they.

By the way, may I suggest if you cannot talk to your own brother, that if you are not helping with arrangements, then your opinion doesn't really count insofar as what they do at THEIR "wedding".

Can I also suggest that by 8 years old there will and should be situations where it's not all about her. Neither your brother nor his wife-to-be are Oprah, where everyone gets a car. I didn't know about this tradition, but it appears to be a thing. Go with it and explain to your child IF she is upset.

Rachie1973 · 16/01/2019 07:12

I would simply explain that sometimes things don’t go our way to your DD. Its not a reflection on her it’s just how things are sometimes. At 8 she’s certainly old enough to understand that.

I also would not decline for my sons. It sets an awful precedent for the future. All 3 children can not be expected to be treated alike all the time. That’s not unfair. That’s simply life.

Cath2907 · 16/01/2019 07:14

That is unfair on an 8 yr old and a bit twatish.

secretmetoo · 16/01/2019 07:17

When I got married I had my niece and my husbands two young cousins (all under age of 8) as my bridesmaids.
He had his two young cousins and my nephew as groomsmen.
We are nice like that and there’s no way we’d have left anyone out. One more little dress isn’t going to matter. I would be hurt for your DD.

ReflectentMonatomism · 16/01/2019 07:22
Aeroflotgirl · 16/01/2019 07:24

I would decline your ds being pageboys. It is unfair leaving one child out of a family group, if this was a child's party, Mumsnetters woukd be up in arms about one child being left out. They can make their decision, but yiu are allowed yiurs, if you know your dd is going to be hurt by this, then you are oerfectly entitled to put her first and decline the pageboys and go as a family, no fuss, no demands and you can all enjoy the wedding together.

ReflectentMonatomism · 16/01/2019 07:24

Not everyone gets a trophy, not should they.

“Your brothers are winners! You’re the loser!”

Why should an eight year old get “you csn’t Always get what you want” lessons courtesy of s wedding, while the bride and groom, adults, get what they want?

NicolaStart · 16/01/2019 07:24

Would your brother have asked 3 extra page boys if they happened to be the only brother in each of the bridesmaids families?

Do the other nephews have sisters who would also want to be bridesmaids?

They may have chosen this way of doing it: his nephews are page boys, her nieces are bridesmaids, as a way of not havjng to include a shared total of 17 nieces and nephews.

YABU. The purpose of a wedding isn’t to give your kids a starring role.

Aeroflotgirl · 16/01/2019 07:25

If your brother asks you why, honest.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 16/01/2019 07:25

Just explain to the DD the family split and ask if she wants to dress as a boy for the day !

It’s not super kind but you don’t have to make a mountain out of it . Just grit teeth

As mentioning will cause shit that noone needs

Henrysmycat · 16/01/2019 07:26

It’s a shitty thing. And if the bride didn’t think of it or did it on purpose, you’re in for a bumpy ride as a family.

For the bridezilla that is still angry about the little bridesmaid that had different hair colour, are you for fucking real? Is your personality so swallow and devoid of character to be angry with a kid 20 years later? What is the wrong shade of hair? You were all blond and the kid was black?
I read a lot of stupid crap here but that’s the absolute worst. Being angry at a kid for not being born the right shade of skin or hair and spoiling the pictures. Fucking disgrace.

ItStartedWithAKiss241 · 16/01/2019 07:27

Unfortunately bridesmaids are bridesmaid not grooms maids so his side of the family shouldn’t have a right to join in. X

Faultymain5 · 16/01/2019 07:28

Reflect Why should an eight year old get “you csn’t Always get what you want” lessons courtesy of s wedding, while the bride and groom, adults, get what they want?

Oh I don't know, cause it's THEIR wedding, not the Ops. When would you like life lessons to happen exactly? In only hypothetical situations? Hardly a life lesson.

AhNowTed · 16/01/2019 07:28

@ReflectentMonatomism

"while the bride and groom, adults, get what they want?"

It's their wedding day!

TheBigBangRocks · 16/01/2019 07:29

YABVU, you can't really expect them never to do things separate from each other. She's invited to the wedding so not excluded at all.