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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

1 child left out.

294 replies

Mummyomg · 15/01/2019 20:01

My brother and his fiancee have set a date for their wedding later this year. He has asked for my 2 sons (His nephews) to be pageboys (aswell as his other nephews). My daughter (His only niece) is not a bridesmaid. The bride's own 2 or 3 nieces will be bridesmaids. My daughter is not in the wedding at all, wasn't even given a choice. The children will be 5, 6 and 8 at the time of wedding. The youngest two are the boys.
Am I wrong in thinking that it's not fair on my daughter to be left out, or is this usual? We've not had a wedding in the family for years so I don't know what is normal.

OP posts:
WFTisgoingoninmyhead · 16/01/2019 07:30

It’s not fair, but life isn’t fair and your daughter is 8 it is time she learns that some things go her way some things don’t.

emilybrontescorsett · 16/01/2019 07:30

It is up to the bride to choose her bridesmaids and likewise the groom to choose his best man/page boys.

It's not your choice.
Why are mn ers so precious over someone else's wedding.

AhNowTed · 16/01/2019 07:30

@NicolaStart

"YABU. The purpose of a wedding isn’t to give your kids a starring role."

^This.

emilybrontescorsett · 16/01/2019 07:31

Also think yourself lucky that your dc are even invited.
Appears to be the norm according to mn that children aren't welcome at most weddings these days.

NicolaStart · 16/01/2019 07:31

Oh, god yes, she can be your DBS page girl! I like that idea!

There is no need for all this sexist tradition crap in tne first place! We need to start learning from the freedom that same sex marriages have introduced. All-groom weddings don’t have just page boys, and vice versa!

However, your Db and SILtb might not agree...

Faultymain5 · 16/01/2019 07:32

@Henrysmycat You obviously didn't read the post or the follow up. The bride's family didn't like the shade, and because they were forced to include the child they were not nice about the child, PP hardly knew the child but everything is fine now. She just resented the fact she had to include the child given all the trouble both sides of family caused.

ambereeree · 16/01/2019 07:34

Crikey some people on this thread are dramatic. Please don't decline the paige boy request or demand a “role” for DD. I'm sure at 8 your DD will not be too upset.

Faultymain5 · 16/01/2019 07:36

I'll also add, one girl who hardly knows the bride and her family, alone with them from very early in the morning until the church, may not be the best thing for your DD.

I'm thinking if she s too young to be explained the facts of life, she's too young to be left with strangers.

Nanny0gg · 16/01/2019 07:38

’m genuinely interested to know how you would feel if your daughter had been asked to be a bridesmaid and your sons had not been asked to be involved would you decline on her behalf or see it as unfair?

I wondered that.

Aeroflotgirl · 16/01/2019 07:40

Why not, if op feels her dd will be hurt, she is allowed to do what is best for her family. Just as the bride is doing for hers. If I know this will upset dd, I would definitely decline. I would sit her down and talk about it. if she is still hurt them. Decline definitely.

BlimeyCalmDown · 16/01/2019 07:40

YABU having said that it's not nice to see your little girl left out but it being their wedding/their choice over rides that imo. I don't think the brdie should have to have 4 bridesmaids just to keep you/your daughter happy nor should she have to make one of her nieces left out. Can't you buy her a nice necklace or bracelet to wear on the day, make it a special treat that she can have as a keepsake?

Too many threads around complaining that couples should be doing what everyone else wants, stuff that!

Aeroflotgirl · 16/01/2019 07:42

If my dd had been asked, and the other two weren't, that is fine as one child is not excluded.

Playmysong · 16/01/2019 07:52

Struggling to understand why some posters think you should refuse invitation and not go at all! This would be extremely petty. It’s their wedding so you should respect their choices! It’s a very limited age range to be a page boy, so probably ds’s only opportunnity. There may be other opportunities for your dd. What will you do next time, when your daughter is asked to be bridesmaid but you’re sons are left out because they’re too old to be Pageboys? If you refuse your ds’s opportunity now, for the sake of fairness, please remember that you must refuse any future opportunities your dd may have! Please stop feeling so entitled, it isn’t YOUR wedding.

Lovemusic33 · 16/01/2019 07:53

YABU

The bride is obviously having her side of the family as bridesmaids and the groom having his family as pageboys. I think it makes things easier, they probably can’t afford to have both sides of the family as bridesmaids as it means buying more dresses. I think they have done it in a fare way. Your dd can still go to the wedding, she can wear a pretty dress and watch her brother as pageboys. There’s going to be times when all children are not included in things, that’s life.

Original poster
Mummyomg · 16/01/2019 07:54

I don't think my dd will be too fussed, and she's certainly not a brat so even IF she was upset, she wouldn't show it or be a misery on the day. People are saying would I really contemplate not attending my brothers wedding - no I wouldn't even think that, I haven't said I won't go. We've paid out good money to go as it's abroad. I was just wondering what the 'norm' was and how other people would feel.

OP posts:
MoreCheeseDear · 16/01/2019 07:55

Not sure why your brother's wedding has to be about your children. You sound very precious.

You can't refuse to go in a huff and you certainly can't ask him to make your daughter part of it. That would be unbelievably rude and entitled.

snitzelvoncrumb · 16/01/2019 07:55

I understand it's a good life lesson, but it's a very cruel public one. An entire day of people asking Infront of her why she wasn't in the wedding and her brothers were. What are you meant to say to her sorry you were born with the wrong bits between your legs so you miss out? Or sorry your aunt didn't want to pick you? She gets to watch all the rehearsals see her brothers get gifts? I just couldn't imagine doing that to my daughter, she has plenty of time to learn that people are jerks, she should feel loved and accepted by her family, not publicly humiliated. Not to mention the photos she will get to look at and be reminded of the day. At least let her stay with someone and not go. But that is only if she would be upset, if she doesn't care then don't worry.

Original poster
Mummyomg · 16/01/2019 07:56

Also the bride isn't a stranger, they've been together for 10 years so she has always been involved in my daughter's life. And to answer another question - she has no nephews and my brother only has one niece - my dd.

OP posts:
LegoPiecesEverywhere · 16/01/2019 07:57

Some of these responses are ridiculous.

A 8 she is too young to be a bridesmaid. My dd wouldn’t care and would be happy just to attend.

Original poster
Mummyomg · 16/01/2019 07:57

I haven't refused to go, and I'm not in a 'huff' was just asking for other people's opinion

OP posts:
BlueJag · 16/01/2019 07:58

Weddings are a hot bed of discontent. Why make an issue?
The couple always encounter unhappy people and have a ton of decisions to make.
It isn't your day. Be happy for your sons and the couple.

2isabella2 · 16/01/2019 08:02

I think it's really mean - pageboys are part of the bridal party too so I'd decline my son's roles too.

Of course 8 year olds can be bridesmaids and they are not too young! My four year old nieces (from both sides!) were both bridesmaids.

Romanmonkey · 16/01/2019 08:06

I think it’s unkind and thoughtless to not include your dd as bridesmaid. Yes, it’s their day and popular opinion is that they can do whatever they want with no regard for everyone else but who leaves out one child, just because they’re the wrong sex?

Berthatydfil · 16/01/2019 08:08

My dc are older but if the boys had been asked to be part of a bridal party at that age they would have been very unenthusiastic my dd would have been thrilled however.
Yes it’s their wedding - but you have to see your child upset on the day so I would say to the groom - “sorry but I know my dd would be upset to see her brothers part of the wedding, I don’t want to see that but I know it’s your wedding so it’s your choices but don’t want to cause any issues within my family so I would need to decline the boys being pageboys sorry.”
I wouldn’t harbour any bad feeling or refuse to go to the wedding or insist they ask my dd, but just be polite.

MoreCheeseDear · 16/01/2019 08:11

Yes it’s their wedding - but you have to see your child upset on the day so I would say to the groom - “sorry but I know my dd would be upset to see her brothers part of the wedding, I don’t want to see that but I know it’s your wedding so it’s your choices but don’t want to cause any issues within my family so I would need to decline the boys being pageboys sorry.”

And if you do that you may cause a family rift that may never heal.