Stupid PILs knowingly put my baby at risk

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PILs (from other end of the country) came to visit my 2 month old (first visit since new born). Visited most of Saturday and half of yesterday, stayed in a hotel overnight.

As they were leaving yesterday MIL announced that she didn’t want to tell me because they didn’t want to cancel the trip but FIL had been off work sick the previous week. Apparently he’s on antibiotics for a sore throat, fever etc.

Fucking furious.

I have an auto immune disease, my baby is 8 weeks old. How could they be so stupid.

MIL said it literally as she was walking out of the door. AIBU to write a blistering email to the stupid pair of them?

I think you ABU, the argument on the phone was inevitable. Your level
of anger was always going to provoke a row.

You seem U here asking if you are being U, then being massively angry with posters who say you are.

@jessstan2 using "gay" as pejorative term is NEVER appropriate. Shame on you for saying that it is. Do you also think that using the term N* for blacks is ok if you from a different generation? Or perhaps it's ok to call people Retards?

I'm a northener and l've occasionally heard certain types of car, even dog breeds referred to as 'gay' and lads call each other it if one of them asks for a soft drink instead of alcoholic and so on. Though I have never heard the n*r word use to describe black people though and would be very shocked if l did, ditto with 'retard'.

“ OP's IL's took that choice away from her.”

This

In spades

It’s not about whether or not the OPs position is justified - that’s irrelevant - she has a right to make that choice for her and her child - and the PILs disrespect her and her autonomy as a person and parent by purposefully withholding relevant information knowing full well she would care about it

Especially because who knows if it was just a sore throat? What if it's the flu or something..

If it were flu none of this would have happened. Flu is horrific, there is no way the fil would have been able to do such a visit, and even if he did, it would be obvious he was unwell.

You are being way over the top. Every time you take the baby out you risk coming across someone with s cold or chicken pox etc.

Beansandcoffee, that’s ridiculous. You are saying that someone is allowed to withhold information and come into your home during an illness, and then zing you with it at the end....because someone in Waitrose might have a cold.

I think I know who the op is. I understand why she does not want to say more, it is outing if you read certain forums.

If you’re still reading op, hope you are ok and keep away from them.

I don’t know what it is about the “hard” views on Mumsnet. So many people aren’t understanding or compassionate. It’s as if they have a hard life and so they must make sure they take it out on others.

There is no need for the op to tell her backstory or the name of her certain disease. She was asking advice about one incident and the only information I thought she omitted was whether the ILs knew about her illness and then I realised that it didn’t matter because they DID know about the newborn.

If they had come and gone without a word, the op would be none the wiser. They didn’t. They zinged her with it as they were leaving. They purposely withheld that information even though they would have been talking over the weekend and didn’t mention that FIL was not at work that week and had felt bad enough to go to the doctors.

Why did they tell the op at the end? Just to make her worried over her baby? To leave her feeling uncomfortable? They may have been asked to leave if they had said it even an hour before, the day before, so they waited.

They were less than honest and then nasty. I wouldn’t trust them.

I think some poster’s bs meters are a bit off as they find the op at fault.

If her ds is a healthy child then that might be ok, but since the OP is immunocompromised, that could be truly awful for her trying to care for a sick child while she is sick herself

The OP does NOT say she’s immunocompromised! Why are so many posters utterly unable to differentiate between an auto immune disorder and being immunocompromised. It is clearly explained in the thread

Examples of auto immune disorders include celiac disease, rheumatoid arthritis etc. These types of disorders don’t necessarily put you at any more risk of picking up a bacterial infection than any other member of the population. Plus FIL was on antibiotics and clearly symptomless as no one noticed he was ‘ill’ during the visit

I suspect that if this actually even happened, (first post, dramatic and provocative escalation, OP not returned) PIL Didn’t tell OP because they knew there’d be a furious drama llama response

Veterinari, read the thread. It is. It is not the OP’s first post.

FIL (still off work) told him that he had “turned into a gay bastard” since he “moved down south” and put the phone down on him
If this is all they have to say about the matter then it's just as well you don't see them often.

If it was a straightforward situation i would say yabu and over-reacting, but you've got an auto immune condition - that changes everything.
It isn't anybody else's place to decide what is an acceptable level of risk - the one with the condition is the only one who gets to decide that.

They sound like utter dicks and i wouldn't be making any particular effort to involve them in your baby's life - they've shown they can't put the best interests of two vulnerable people above their own selfish desires.
Though i'm not surprised at FIL's reaction considering they deliberately kept it from you and didn't let you decide for yourself.
You're the one who has to deal with any consequences and it seems like they just don't give a shit that you've got enough to deal with right now.
FIL could have easily waited until he was fully recovered, i don't care how excited they were - they've had two months to visit the baby! They could have easily waited another week or two!

Huuuuge overreaction and YABU.

Unless you have kept yourself and your baby in a sterile environment with ZERO exposure to anyone from the outside world, you are both prone to picking up germs and or bugs.

Get a grip!

If you must send an email, make it polite because your child is their Grandchild and your OH is thier son! You sound very dramatic in your choice of words...'she told me right before they left and took the choice away from me to do something about it!'

Your baby is fine. You're fine. A lot worse could happen.

Unless you have kept yourself and your baby in a sterile environment with ZERO exposure to anyone from the outside world, you are both prone to picking up germs and or bugs
There are unavoidable situations....and there are avoidable ones - it's the op's choice as to what risks she takes because ultimately she is responsible.

That choice should have been respected in her own home.
Also choosing to let her know as a parting shot was nasty and designed to upset or worry her - decent people don't do that.

Op Aibu nearly

everyone yes

Op no I’m not plus used the gay word and slammed down the phone

But the OP doesn't say she has a compromised immune system, which is a completely different thing.

For example I have an autoimmune disorder, Hashimotos. All it means is I take a tablet a day for thyroxine. autoimmune also covers things like type 1 diabetes etc. I think the fact the OP won't clarify this (and I doubt any of the conditions would be outing given most are very common) but yet uses it as the main reason she is annoyed with PIL is probably the reason they didn't mention it.

An email? Strange way to communicate

But they shouldn't of come, and weird she told you

Having RTFT I think most of the responses disagreeing with the OP are more about the extreme nature of her response to her PIL’s.

I get that you might be cheesed off but ‘fucking furious’? Probably not.

If there’s a backstory and an underlying illness that raises the seriousness of this you can’t expect people to respond in the way you seem to want them to if you don’t explain what those things are.

Without that detail, and in answer to your original question OP, yes you would be totally unreasonable to send a “blistering email”.

I have read everything and the homophobia is a disgrace etc...

But when I have a sinus infection, I get antibiotics.... but i’m not infectious....!!! No-one around me is going to catch my sinus infection. My sinus infection has happened because of the physiology of my nasal sinuses, having small or blocked entrances to sinus chambers, causing mucus to not drain and become infected.

No-one is going to catch my sinus infection, whether they are a baby or have an auto immune condition etc....

It would be like catching a sprained ankle...!!!!

My friend had very crypt-Ic tonsils, constantly bothered with tonsil stones, tonsillitis etc... she fine had her tonsils removed. When she was in antibiotics for her throat, no-one was going to catch anything- she had tonsillitis because of the physiology of her throat.

Massive difference between infection and infectious

YANBU OP. My friends recently spent a week in hospital with their 7 week old baby, after an idiot family member visited with a cold, passed it on to the family and the baby ended up extremely poorly with bronchiolitis. It’s incredibly selfish.

The op's father in law was recovering from an infection, he couldn't pass it on for goodness sakes!

I would like the op to come back in a day or so and tell us whether or not she or her baby have caught an infectious illness and what it is. I bet they haven't.

Surely all that needs to happen is that your DH needs to remind his parents that your medical situation, plus your LO's tricky start and young age, means that you have to be extra careful about exposure and you want to make the decision for yourselves whether to take the risk?

What does DH think about the situation, BTW?

I use the phrase autoimmune disease a lot.

Mainly because I'm sick to the back teeth of fucking morons informing me I'm too young for arthritis, that Psoriasis has nothing to do with it, their auntie's neighbour's daughter's friend's great niece's brother's cat had that until they saw a faith healer for reiki or that they have it too and their knee now makes a creaking sound when they walk upstairs.

The trouble I find is balancing the meds to dull down the immune response without overdoing it to the extent that I'm knocked on my arse fighting for every breath from somebody else's little sniffle (that they didn't mention until after hugging and kissing me). Or ending up on oxygen in A&E because 'chickenpox is just a childhood disease, its nothing'.

I'd fuck them off without a second thought.

I would like the op to come back in a day or so and tell us whether or not she or her baby have caught an infectious illness and what it is. I bet they haven't.

You have already decided her and baby are fine, why would she bother coming back?

This poster has been set upon by a pack because she dared be angry about a couple of people who couldn’t give a damn about her or her baby and let her know it.

It’s worrying that so many posters are doormats. That they wouldn’t dare say anything to someone who treated them like crap in their own home and that they advise others to suck it up also.

Memorial. Nothing to do with being a doormat, it’s about reacting appropriately and proportionately, and from the limited information the OP has provided a lot of people don’t think she’s doing either.

There’s often a weird vibe on MN where posters seem to actively encourage the most extreme reaction possible. I’ve never come across it in RL.

Why on earth would you think it’s more appropriate to send a ‘blistering email’ rather than pick up the phone and explain rationally and calmly what the issue is and what needs to happen in future? Unless of course you’re simply looking for an argument with your PIL’s?

You are being a drama llama - not unusual with a newborn, get your husband to call and say it probably wasn't the best idea to meet a small baby with an infection and not to do it again - but calmly. No need for hysterics - it's not a big risk and you are being Ott