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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stupid PILs knowingly put my baby at risk

230 replies

hirstprint · 14/01/2019 14:20

PILs (from other end of the country) came to visit my 2 month old (first visit since new born). Visited most of Saturday and half of yesterday, stayed in a hotel overnight.

As they were leaving yesterday MIL announced that she didn’t want to tell me because they didn’t want to cancel the trip but FIL had been off work sick the previous week. Apparently he’s on antibiotics for a sore throat, fever etc.

Fucking furious.

I have an auto immune disease, my baby is 8 weeks old. How could they be so stupid.

MIL said it literally as she was walking out of the door. AIBU to write a blistering email to the stupid pair of them?

OP posts:
herethereandeverywhere · 14/01/2019 17:01

OP, I'd have a word with your GP or health visitor about what things it's appropriate to worry over and what things aren't a risk and not worth a worry with regards to the health of your new baby. You need to keep things in perspective and not get worked up un-necessarily.

poobumwee · 14/01/2019 17:02

They should have let you know and allowed you to decide if a visit was still ok. Rather than sending an email I would ask your dh to talk to them and explain that you would have all preferred to be warned in advance. If you usually have a good relationship it would be a shame to impact it

domton · 14/01/2019 17:07

Anti biotics should prevent the spread of the illness. It's annoying, but your little one is going to be exposed to sore throats and bugs this time of year, and probably had been exposed to a few you know nothing about. I can understand your concern though, after NICU etc.

As for your autoimmune condition, it depends what it is and how you are being treated. Not much anyone can say about that unless they know. It could be anything from psoriasis or an under-active thyroid to sarcoidosis. Some obviously more serious than others, and some requiring immunosupressants etc. and some not.

reallybadidea · 14/01/2019 17:07

What do you think healthcare professionals do when they are/have been unwell?

This. Do you think we all take a week off work just to be on the safe side?

sollyfromsurrey · 14/01/2019 17:14

PIL didn't want to tell you as they didn't want to cancel the trip. Therefore they KNEW it would be a risk to tell you as they KNEW there was a chance that you would have postponed their trip had you known one of them had a contagious infection. This is pure deception. I would make it very clear to them that you will not tolerate them putting their own wants (in this case to visit your child) above you or your child's health. Tell them if they do this again you will be forced to limit their visits as you can not trust them to put their desires aside for the sake of your child.

fleshmarketclose · 14/01/2019 17:16

Exh is on chemotherapy and dd has immunotherapy treatment yet neither of them get as stressed as you are about a sore throat. In fact I've had a terrible virus for the last ten days and exh has walked my dog and dd has brought me shopping neither of them have become ill and both offered to help.
Do you never leave the house OP? Exh and dd go to work, socialise and carry on as normal accepting that there might be times when they are exposed to illness. Unless you live in a bubble you don't really get to demand a sterile environment at all times tbh

EvaHarknessRose · 14/01/2019 17:41

Its ok to be stressed and anxious and protective when you are coping with you own health condition and a new baby though.

They’ve gone now, don’t react immediately but if you do want to say something, do it in the next day or two. What you do will depend a bit on dh I would hope. Ideally he will address it in agreement with you.

JustAPenny · 14/01/2019 17:51

You're just not getting it instasham, I echo what SofiaAmes said. Did you miss this bit
Do any of you know what it means to have an autoimmune disease? A "little cold" can mean anything from weeks of illness, to hospitalization, to death
Just get on with it? Are you for real?

domton · 14/01/2019 17:59

But as we don't know what the OPs AI condition is, we don't know the seriousness of it. Some are undoubtedly serious, and for those people a cold while they are heavily immuno suppressed can indeed lead to life threatening complications.

Not so much if the op has pernicious anaemia or rheumatoid arthritis for example. If the OP actually came back...

spidey66 · 14/01/2019 18:01

Am I missing something? I thought immune suppression made you more likely to catch an infection, not an anti immune disorder?

Anyway OP, you can't guarantee a sterile world for you and your baby. There are germs and bugs everywhere. Your father in law had been diagnosed and treated and recovered. Unlike the person standing next to you in the queue in Tesco.

spidey66 · 14/01/2019 18:02

Auto immune disorder, not anti.

grinchypants · 14/01/2019 18:06

This is massively OTT

domton · 14/01/2019 18:09

Hmm. Well auto immune disorders are usually because your immune system is over active. If it's over active, it needs less stimulation to launch an attack, and depending on the illness, it can either attack one bit (inflammatory bowel disease for example), or any bit it fancies (lupus).

Wholly dependent of the condition though...e.g. thyroid auto immune will attack the thyroid, and that's it, so a cough/ cold etc won't make any difference, because the faulty bit of immune system had already destroyed the bit they thought was alien.

Immunosupression obviously leaves you more open to any opportune infection.

That's how I understand it anyway. I have an AI disorder, and that's as much as I've managed to work out.

explodingkitten · 14/01/2019 18:09

I fail to see why other people get to decide if OP should just be in touch with illness or not. Surely the OP chooses and if she doesn't want someone to visit who has just been ill then she shouldn't have to let them in the house. Her house, her baby, her rules. Other people don't have to agree with her reasoning.

TheDowagerCuntess · 14/01/2019 18:10

'Sending a blistering email' is rather a 21st Century reaction to a family member's misdemeanour.

Why not call up and discuss it, and probably even sort it out?

Veterinari · 14/01/2019 18:17

Auto immune disorders don’t necessarily increase your risk of catching infections, as domtom describes.

I suspect they didn’t tell you as you have form for massively overreacting as this thread indicates

Theunreasonableone · 14/01/2019 18:21

Yes YABU - it’s a sore throat not the bubonic plague

grinchypants · 14/01/2019 18:24

I could kind of understand if it was something airborne like chickenpox and being in the same room was going to be risky.
But op is acting as if they have raging tonsillitis and they have forced her to use the same toothbrush and snogged the face off her baby.

They have taken precautions by being on antibiotics and it might not be what you wanted to hear but fucking furious? With family members? For taking a trip to visit your newborn?
Take a chill pill. It's not ideal but it's not putting your babies life at risk is it love.

Fairylea · 14/01/2019 18:25

I have Addison’s disease, asthma, anaemia and kidney issues. I wouldn’t have been bothered about it. Someone getting over something who has been taking antibiotics is far less likely to give something to you than just randomly walking around Tesco and standing next to some unknown person who might have pneumonia or whatever.

It’s really crap but as someone who’s lived with all these things all my life you just have to learn to unclench otherwise you have no life and you just piss everyone off..

Pandamodium · 14/01/2019 18:36

Certain conditions mean even common colds can be dangerous.

DS has chronic lung disease, when he had croup a couple of months back he went down hill so, so quickly. I was getting ready to do CPR while on the phone to 999 and he ended up blue lighted to hospital on oxygen.

It was horrible he's poorly today with just a cold and I'm terrified it's going to happen again.

I accept a have a little massive amount of anxiety about it all but if OP has seen what damage "regular" illness can do she has a good reason to be pissed off.

cupoftea84 · 14/01/2019 18:50

I understand OP. My LO was in hospital just before Christmas and I spent the holidays cringing everytime sneezed or coughed near him. A 'little cold' had resulted in bronchitis so it could easily happen again. I was made to feel like a paranoid OTT mum but I just said having spent a night in hospital with him I didn't want to be doing it again.
Next time they're visiting ask them to confirm they've not been ill just before they come. I'd ask them shortly before every visit forever personally. Then if they lie you can say it was definitely intentional. You also get to make your point without being arsey about it.

FiddlesticksAkimbo · 14/01/2019 18:53

Frankly, ludicrous!

BurpsandHustles · 14/01/2019 18:56

Op it's very selfish isn't it.

Really awful. It's perfectly natural for you this babies no 1 protector to make sure she's well cared for. She's tiny and I don't think it's an over reaction to be this upset.

Amazed that people are so casual about it really. We don't know how infectious fil was!

We have no chance if Spanish flu comes back.

BurpsandHustles · 14/01/2019 18:58

Cup of tea... Same here.

My dd was rushed to a and e with breathing issues, child a and e was packed we by passed everyone.

We all get our flu jabs done to protect her really, pils don't even think of this side of things.

I understand people living with more chronic issues have chosen to relax about it but this is a tiny baby.

Original poster
hirstprint · 14/01/2019 19:00

Well DH spoke to them and FIL (still off work) told him that he had “turned into a gay bastard” since he “moved down south” and put the phone down on him. So that’s the outcome of speaking calmly to them.

Oh well.

Thanks for those who understand about viruses and bacteria and how underhand it was of them. Those that have a healthy family have no idea.

OP posts: