Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stupid PILs knowingly put my baby at risk

230 replies

hirstprint · 14/01/2019 14:20

PILs (from other end of the country) came to visit my 2 month old (first visit since new born). Visited most of Saturday and half of yesterday, stayed in a hotel overnight.

As they were leaving yesterday MIL announced that she didn’t want to tell me because they didn’t want to cancel the trip but FIL had been off work sick the previous week. Apparently he’s on antibiotics for a sore throat, fever etc.

Fucking furious.

I have an auto immune disease, my baby is 8 weeks old. How could they be so stupid.

MIL said it literally as she was walking out of the door. AIBU to write a blistering email to the stupid pair of them?

OP posts:
Hoopaloop · 14/01/2019 15:10

Lol at send them an email 😂

Ngaio2 · 14/01/2019 15:10

OP your PIL should have had enough respect for you to inform you first so you could make a decision. If MIL felt they did not present a risk why, then, did she inform you as they were leaving? Her attitude stinks and shows she cannot be trusted in these matters.

partinor · 14/01/2019 15:12

sofia If I catch a cold I can end up ill for months including being admitted to hospital. I do understand it. But in this case he will not have been infectious. So the OP is being OTT.

potatoscone · 14/01/2019 15:13

He can't be that bad if he spent 2 days with you and you never noticed any signs of him being unwell. If he was under the weather or still feverish you would have seen it.

I'm in the YABU camp. It's also blatantly obvious from your posts that you simply want people to agree with you, rather than to find out if people think YABU.

TheSheepofWallSt · 14/01/2019 15:19

In the gentlest possible way- is this a first baby OP? Your reaction is understandable for a new mum, and one with an underlying health condition, but it’s not entirely rational.

I was (and occasionally still am) like this about DS. He has a terrible immune system, and mild bugs for others floor him regularly. I’m a LP and can’t take time off work easily, so I hate when I know he’s been exposed to someone who’s ill- I’m on tenterhooks waiting for him to get unwell- and more often than not we end up at the GP or when he was a baby baby, often the hospital. So I get it.

That said after 48 hrs of ABs you aren’t contagious - to babies or adults with autoimmune diseases - so DFil won’t have passed anything on if he’d started the course in the week.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 14/01/2019 15:19

So much ignorance on this thread. Do any of you know what it means to have an autoimmune disease?

Calling people ignorant when you have no idea about their background is daft.

Prehaps you also shouldn't assume what others do or don't know about/have as you can easily end up with egg on your face.

Evilspiritgin · 14/01/2019 15:22

If you have an autoimmune disease that can send you to hospital with a cold how are you going to cope when your pfb starts nursery or school and gets every bug going

You obviously don’t like your pil, save everyone the hassle and just go no contact now

RomanyRoots · 14/01/2019 15:23

Gosh, my dh has an auto immune thingy, it doesn't bother him. If he gets a sore throat he gets it. You can't wrap yourself or your child in cotton wool.
I take it you worked before maternity, how did you manage then, did people have to sign in as fit to work with you?
Seriously OTT

MsLexic · 14/01/2019 15:24

No just remind them, that in future they must not come over if they are infectious.

partinor · 14/01/2019 15:25

EvilSpirit Until I was put on a constant daily regime of antibiotics, I avoided small children. Because a small cold caught from a kid could put me in hospital.

HesterLee · 14/01/2019 15:26

I think it depends what auto-immune condition you have. I have two, neither of which are affected if I get a cold / sore throat but obviously there are conditions where you can become very unwell.

samsamsamsamsamsam · 14/01/2019 15:26

What exactly do you think to achieve by sending an email?

What will happen when you or DH has a sore throat? Your baby will be exposed to all sorts of germs in and out of the house that you can not control. Wait til they get to nursery!

You are massively overreacting and you know it. I suspect you might come into conflict with many people given the tone of your replies. Its you not them.

Sirzy · 14/01/2019 15:27

The slightest cold can land ds is hospital, he is now on permenant antibiotics amongst an army of other medication.

I still think you are being very dramatic and massively over reacting.

BeanTownNancy · 14/01/2019 15:28

Loving all the armchair microbiologists on here. They must have seen some swabs that I haven't to know so definitely that this illness was definitely bacterial and definitely fully treated by the antibiotics and know with such certainty that it was not contagious.
Due to several medical conditions, I have often been prescribed antibiotics even if the doctor suspects the condition is probably viral, "just in case it's bacterial" so having a prescription antibiotics really isn't an indicator of anything.

If it wasn't a bit deal, they would have told you. The fact they hid it from you indicates that they knew you would be upset, so you have every right to feel completely undermined. Who cares whether you might be prone to overreacting, you still have a right to make informed decisions.

I wouldn't send them an email though, but I would make it clear next time they wanted to visit that they are not to come if either of them has been sick.

AWishForWingsThatWork · 14/01/2019 15:28

These are your husband's parents. SURELY his opinion is important here ... and if he agrees with you, then let him talk to his parents.

If DH has been on antibiotics since last week, though, you are over-reacting.

LadyBrienne · 14/01/2019 15:28

Actually OP I get where your coming from

You wrote “As they were leaving yesterday MIL announced that she didn’t want to tell me because they didn’t want to cancel the trip but FIL had been off work sick the previous week. Apparently he’s on antibiotics for a sore throat, fever etc. “

So this implies that they knew that if they told you they would not have been able to visit until they were completely better. Therefore they withheld information so they could visit and thereby removed your ability to make decisions about your own health and that of your baby.

In my own circumstance (different illness but similar situation - more allergy based) this happened as the people concerned didn’t “believe” the severity of the illness and thought we “were being silly” and therefore thought “they knew best” and “it wouldn’t make any difference”

Point is - everyone needs to respect other people’s personal autonomy - they don’t get to manipulate the situation by withholding facts they don’t think are important WHERE THEY KNOW you believe they are important

Hope that makes sense - typing in train

MeredithGrey1 · 14/01/2019 15:31

She told you as she was leaving as she probably knew you would react in this unreasonable manner.

I disagree, regardless of whether or not you think OP is being unreasonable, that comment said as they were leaving can only have been done to worry/annoy/wind up OP. If MIL was actually worried about OP’s unreasonable reaction she just wouldn’t have said anything, there was clearly no need to at that point. I have no medical or personal knowledge of auto immune diseases really so can’t comment on whether OP is overreacting, but it’s weird and rude to visit someone and then as you leave say “oh btw, we were really ill just before we came to see you, but didn’t want to say beforehand. Bye!” The fact that MIL said that they kept quiet to stop the trip being cancelled shows that they know OP would be worried about this, and whether or not that is reasonable is irrelevant I think - they were the guests and it’s not for them to make a decision they know would upset or worry the people they’re visiting (and it’s definitey not ok to make that decision, and then tell the person just as they leave, leaving them to worry about it, as MIL presumably knew OP would)

EmeraldShamrock · 14/01/2019 15:31

You are completely over reacting. Are you staying indoors away from strangers, what if someone sneezed on you. I think half the country has had viral infections the past 6 weeks.

orangecushion · 14/01/2019 15:32

Perhaps they should have checked with you and your partner first. It seems they were reasonable respectful and didn't overstay their welcome or act in a nasty way.

Perhaps you are sleep deprived and anxious.

Sprogs and germs go together I'm afraid.

loveskaka · 14/01/2019 15:36

I would have went nuts! So selfish of them to put a 8 weeks old baby at risk for their own selfishness!

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/01/2019 15:37

You’ve had some really nasty comments by people, who just don’t get it. It’s very unlikely they passed something on. Write the email addressing it to yourself so you don’t actually send it. Then use it as a reminder to ask the right questions before you see them or anyone else, who is not very considerate. I remember one year my brother arriving with tonsillitis and all manner of colds. All because I clearly am just making my chronic illness up. I don’t see him anymore.....

LoafEater · 14/01/2019 15:38

you need to calm down

its clear that you don't like your in-laws, but you are massively overreacting here

JudasPrudy · 14/01/2019 15:38

If he's on antibiotics surely he doesn't have a Viral infection in which case what's the problem?

PicassoWouldBeProud · 14/01/2019 15:39

I would be very upset by that. I also question her motives for telling you, what did she gain from doing that? Now you're going to be stressed and waiting to see if either of you become ill.

One of my pet hates is people who are ill visiting others without telling them beforehand, especially in the case of immune conditions, new babies or pregnancy. It's really very irresponsible.

YANBU to feel the way you do, but I would hope that as he's been on antibiotics he isn't contagious any longer. I would ask before every other visit though that they don't visit if they're ill.

reallybadidea · 14/01/2019 15:40

You can see why they didn't tell you really.

Swipe left for the next trending thread