Ex spent money to go on holiday

[coplings]

Ex rang dh crying she had no money for their child. He pays weekly maintenance as well as as extras.

Dh gave ex a lump sum of money (she asks for a certain amount)

A few weeks later ex goes on a drinking holiday without telling us - not that she needs to but obviously dh needs to know where step child is while she is gone

Dh then finds out through a mutual friend of both of theirs that the money has been used to go on this holiday and not spent on the child. He knows this because the woman that booked the holiday (it's a group of women who went) did it on the same day as the money was transferred for the exact amount she asked for (well she asked for £400 and the holiday was £394)

What should he do?

I don't think you'd have felt so bad if your ss had also gone on the holiday you paid for. At least he would have benefitted too. It's the fact that you can't afford to go on your own, or even with the kids, and now you feel conned.

Maybe if she'd been truthful and said what it was for and asked for an advance of her money, you might have been more forthcoming.

A couple of nights away is also different to a proper holiday.

Dungeondragon15

We have already established over and over again that he pays his fair share in terms of maintenance and extras considering the amount the child is with OP and her husband so no, paying £400.00 extra to allow her to go on holiday is not acceptable nor is lying to gain it.

It is his business if the extra money he gives her for his child is being spent on none necessities for her.

I agree, maintenance contributions are not his business. But a random £400.00 in addition to his usual amount being spent on her holiday absolutely is his business and is not acceptable.

I also don't understand how men get slated for only paying the CMS minimum on here and yet when they pay over, they are slated again and accused of financial abuse.

It is a madhouse here sometimes honestly.

I agree, maintenance contributions are not his business. But a random £400.00 in addition to his usual amount being spent on her holiday absolutely is his business and is not acceptable I agree with this. My question is why OP is ok with her DH giving away £400 of joint money when things are tight? That's what makes me worry OP is financially abused. OP can't afford luxuries, but her DH has £400 to just gift?

I guess if you genuinely thought your child was losing out because their parent was crying on the phone that they were in dire need you may scrape something together which you can't quite afford because you of course don't want to see your child going without.

I think the fact that OP can't really afford this either makes the deception on the part of the mother even more vile.

Oh do one @Superchill. I'm unhappy with the fact that this woman has used my money to go on holiday. End of.

Where the fuck have I said that I'm unhappy with mine and dhs financial situation???? I haven't!!! You have said I am. You don't know me. You don't know dh. I have said countless times that I am happy with the amount of cms he pays!!! Get that into your head. I love dss as I love my other children. I've played a massive part in bringing him up.

The cms he pays is fine. It means all our dcs are treated as equally as we can manage to do so. It means that we can sleep easy knowing that even though we have one child that doesn't live with us full time is treated equally. It means that we are doing our best for him and not paying as little as possible. We are not that family.

Where have I said we are struggling? We aren't struggling in that we can't afford a pint of milk. We are comfortable. Some months we have to dip into our savings. Some months we put it back and more. But that really is none of your business.

The only reason I am mentioning the ex's holidays etc is to show she is not the kind of single mother living in 1 bed top floor council flat. That is not her.

Yes so what we can't afford luxuries??? Who gives a fuck???? Holidays aren't important to us. All that's important to us is that we have happy dcs and we give them the best we can. Where am I moaning about it?

In all honesty....we don't really care we aren't loaded. It's not important to us. Happiness and family are important to us. Sounds cheesy but that's the best way I can put it.

Your way of thinking is seriously seriously deluded. You are trying to say what i feel and you couldn't be further from the truth!!! You are saying you wouldn't be happy with it. Well that's you isn't it??? That's not me. Clearly we are totally different people.

I don't care we don't get holidays. I don't care that she does get holidays. I do care however that she has lied to us in order for us to pay for her holiday. Like any normal person would.

it is also not okay to get involved with what his ex spends money on

considering it was entirely his money I think its fine to be pissed off that she used it for a holiday (which the child did not benefit from in any way shape or form!!)

My question is why OP is ok with her DH giving away £400 of joint money when things are tight?

because op thought it was for her stepchild, and presumably thought the step child was going without. That's her being a nice person, not a doormat.

I cant see that op would have been ok with it if he straight up said "op I am using our joint money to send me ex on a jolly"

The number of people on this thread who think it is ok the ex lied to get money to go on holiday is madness! You sound like a really decent parent OP. YANBU.

There was 1 gift in particular dss has been desperate for all year. He couldn't stop talking about how much he wanted one bless him. These things aren't cheap but ex was adamant she wanted to get him it. This was decided in October time when the subject of Xmas and who was getting what came up. We got dss lots of other little bits and she was getting the main present. That's how it's worked in the past.

Anyway this thing was literally all that was on dss list.

Now if you get a phone call from the mother in tears saying she can or afford buy him in, what would you do? Say 'oh well that's tough he will have to go without?'

I had tears in my eyes at the thought of dss not getting this gift.

Dh offered to buy it and give him it but then the tears flowed even more because that meant she hadn't got in anything. She was adamant she just needed to money to get it. And that day as she was worried they would be out of stock everywhere.

And like any decent parents would, me and dh transferred the money to her. All that we were bothered about was that dss got this particular gift.

She asked for abit extra so she could buy him a couple of bday presents too which meant the money was rounded up to £400. She was thankful both of us. And played us for complete fools.

None of this was just on dh. The ex knows our finances are joint. He actually said to her 'I'll have to speak with coplings about it first and get back to you'.

Obviously I just wanted dss to have the gift. I put myself in my old 'single mother shoes' and imagined how I would of felt if it were me. And I know I would of felt shit. So i transferred it to her.

I'm leaving this thread here. Yet again it's been taken way out of context by a couple of people as usual.

Dh has began to draft an email saying he knows what's gone on and that it will not happen again under any circumstances.

Obviously there's no way we can get this money back without it affecting dss so will just put it down to a valuable lesson learnt.

I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with all of this OP please come back and let us know if she respond

We have already established over and over again that he pays his fair share in terms of maintenance and extras considering the amount the child is with OP and her husband so no, paying £400.00 extra to allow her to go on holiday is not acceptable nor is lying to gain it.

As I keep saying, if he is paying his fair share of the costs then why did he give her the money? I understand that he wouldn't want his children to go without christmas presents but he could have loaned the money and taken it off future payment. Either way, her spending on non child related things is not his business. He should just concentrate on what is required for his children and contributing a fair share of that.

As I keep saying, if he is paying his fair share of the costs then why did he give her the money

because he was led to believe that his child was going without (which would have been entirely the exs fault)

he couldn't have loaned her the money - do you think she would have accepted that? by the sounds of her I don't.

you don't seem to be able to grasp whats happened here.

So essentially your argument is that because he did what he thought was right by his child, who he'd been told would be going without if he didn't (a lie), and didn't question it, it's his own fault and he's no right to be annoyed as it's not his business that she's conned him into paying for her holiday?

That is such a warped view I can't even begin to understand it.

It makes me laugh because you would be screaming bloody murder if a mother came here and said 'I really need some extra funds from my ex to pay for DC this month, my ex does make a regular contributions but I've found myself needing extra this month but he won't because he pays his fair share'.

But when a father actually does do this it's also his fault...

Hahaha taking money off future payments what Bs and loaning money is he a bank!
The ex didn't plan ahead for Christmas gifts so was short by the sounds of it, so if she didn't have money for food and bills ( the lie!) , what was he meant to say? No I'm not helping my child it's your problem.
To lend help and find out it was for her is disgusting as there are other dc too, and not one is more important especially a grown arse women!!!

@Dungeondragon15
As I keep saying, if he is paying his fair share of the costs then why did he give her the money? I understand that he wouldn't want his children to go without christmas presents but he could have loaned the money and taken it off future payment. Either way, her spending on non child related things is not his business. He should just concentrate on what is required for his children and contributing a fair share of that.

This is a joke right ? My DH pays his 'fair share' of maintenance and still has 50/50 care of his son. If his ex rang him crying because she couldn't afford the toy he so desperately wanted at Christmas my husband would scrape it together rather than his son go without - and I would back him in doing so (joint money).

If it then transpired that she had infact already bought said toy and had used the money to book HERSELF a holiday my DH would hit the roof.. This is not her spending maintenance on whatever she needs to - this is deliberately LYING and scamming money out of her ex husband because she wants a holiday. Just no.

I actually cant believe these responses I really really cant.

As I've said before, to some people on MN having a vagina and having birthed the 'first' child means you can never in any way shape or form be wrong.

It's cringe worthy watching people trying to defend such awful behavior just because it's coming from a mother/first wife.

Wow, are you happy Superchill, that this thread has become entirely about you and that you’ve made the OP upset and chased her off her own thread?

Mission accomplished I’d say.

I’m sorry OP. In general on this board there are a loud minority of posters have such an odd take on child maintenance, and enjoy subverting any thread to beat their own drum. They also use this to give the OP a good enjoyable kicking on the way. It’s unpleasant.

he couldn't have loaned her the money - do you think she would have accepted that? by the sounds of her I don't.

Why would she need to "accept it"? If he actually currently paid much more than CMS require then he could just pay the required amount until the loan was effectively paid back. In fact he can do that in retrospect anyway.

you don't seem to be able to grasp whats happened here.

Of course I can grasp what is going on here! I don't think you can. The fact is that if he should lower his payment and/or recoup his costs if he has paid more than would be his fair share. How much she spends on clothes or holidays etc is not relevant to the cost of bringing up children and therefore to how much he should pay so it is not any of his business.

his is a joke right ? My DH pays his 'fair share' of maintenance and still has 50/50 care of his son. If his ex rang him crying because she couldn't afford the toy he so desperately wanted at Christmas my husband would scrape it together rather than his son go without - and I would back him in doing so (joint money).

Why wouldn't he just lend the money though. If he does truly pay his fair share of the cost of bringing up children then it is probably a lot less than required by the CSM. Therefore he could just pay less until it was paid off.

How much she spends on clothes or holidays etc is not relevant to the cost of bringing up children and therefore to how much he should pay so it is not any of his business

But she has funded the said holiday by conning him out of the money!!!!! I despair.

Why wouldn't he just lend the money though

people asking to borrow £400 out of the blue probably aren't the same type of people you would loan money to and expect to get it back.

he is paying more than CMS recommendation but do you REALLY think ex would accept lower payments until he had recouped his money?

But she has funded the said holiday by conning him out of the money!!!!! I despair.

As I keep saying he has only funded it if he has paid more than his fair share. Otherwise he has arguable just paid his fair share which meant that she was able to use her own money to pay for the holiday.