Ex spent money to go on holiday

[coplings]

Ex rang dh crying she had no money for their child. He pays weekly maintenance as well as as extras.

Dh gave ex a lump sum of money (she asks for a certain amount)

A few weeks later ex goes on a drinking holiday without telling us - not that she needs to but obviously dh needs to know where step child is while she is gone

Dh then finds out through a mutual friend of both of theirs that the money has been used to go on this holiday and not spent on the child. He knows this because the woman that booked the holiday (it's a group of women who went) did it on the same day as the money was transferred for the exact amount she asked for (well she asked for £400 and the holiday was £394)

What should he do?

superchill eh why do you think hes paying 80 quid for all of them? only one child is his ex's isn't it?

op presumably works as well, and if she doesn't is looking after the kids hence saving massive childcare fees and whatever else.

I don't think you know what financial abuse actually means, love.

I absolutely know how CMS works.

At £80/week, with no shared care, yes, that would be £40k ish. But CMS is reduced proportionately based on shared care, and based on other children the paying parent supports. So to be assessed for £80/week with this level of shared care and the reduction for the other kids, that must be a high salary.

ive just run it through the cms calc with shared care and other kids living there, its about 45k.

45k is not a massive salary - for me it would be great I live up north and my mortgage is cheap, in London for example you wouldn't get very far on it!

@flamingofridays thank you, you are correct. I have no problem with our finances. Dh is just a good dad who supports his child with his ex. I have no issues with that. It's one of the many reasons I love dh so much tbh. My ex is the opposite of him.

I give up on superchill lol. Clearly cannot accept that my dh is just a decent person and a good father, obviously has to be something suspicious about it. Quite sad really

@Superchill ffs sake I have said he pays more than what cms says!!!!!! Read my posts properly before you comment

it is very sad copling!

OPs says her DH is not a high earner. Her DH is either diverting large amounts to his ex, and not supporting the household proportionately the same, or is hiding income from OP, or something else. If either of the first two, then I would call that financial abuse.

He should be supporting all the children equally, he doesn't need to favour the child with his ex. CMS would not expect him to. OP has stated a high amount of maintenance, and so he should be maintaining the other children equally.

Okay, MN is officially insane. I don't know how some of you get by in the real world, really I don't.

There is no logical way of thinking about this situation where the mother is right in what she has done.

You do not ask your ex for £400 extra on top of more than fair maintenance contributions and practical 50/50 share to then spend it on a holiday for yourself. It is wrong, full stop. It is cheeky as fuck as well.

Just because she has a vagina doesn't make her right 24/7. It's embarrassing to see such hate for men on these sorts of threads that people will literally argue that the sky is green to avoid admitting a woman can be in the wrong.

superchill

or like op says he earns between 35 and 40k (nice but not massive wage)

pays slightly more than CMS (entirely reasonable and v much expected on mumsnet)

and also supports her and the other children (again entirely reasonable!)

supporting children equally when they live in two different homes will never work how you seem to think it should

when dss lived with his mum dp payed like £60 a week

we don't spend £60 a week on ds. he's 2 ffs what could we possibly spend that on!

doesn't mean me or ds is being financially abused.

And so typical that this has turned into a debate about maintenance rather than the actual issue. I can totally understand why OP didn't want to discuss it because it just becomes the centre of attention in threads like this and completely takes away from the original question being asked.

@Superchill you really are a first class fuckwit

Yes, I know you said more than CMS rates.

So, is he paying more for one child than the others?

Paying enough that his first family can afford holidays, when his second family can't, makes no sense. Having a spare £400 to give away on top of regular maintenance, and yet forcing OP to do without, I wonder if that's a pattern of behaviour.

But, yeah, OP, based on what you've written, your DH is a saint, ex is a bitch. But it makes no sense.

(And before anyone pounces, I'm using first and second chronologically, not in any hierarchy)

superchill

realistically how do you think that would work?

he is paying to support the child he doesn't live with,

he is also paying to support the children he does live with, except he isn't going to directly give then £80 quid each because that would be fucking stupid, wouldn't it.

I am assuming all the money goes together and it pays for rent / council tax, gas and electric, food, car, fuel and whatever else. the children who live there benefit from all this every day.

you cant actually be this stupid can you?

it completely makes sense you just don't want to understand it because it doesn't fit with the point you're trying and failing to make.

I don't think op has been forced to do anything. Its their money and she thought it was for her step child, its not her husband being the twat here is it.

@Superchill lol I've been on Mumsnet a very very long time and had many posts. You most definitely win the award for 'most idiotic comment' to date. Congrats

she rang up verging saying she had no money for presents. She asked for money. We transferred it. She then booked a holiday that afternoon for herself. End of.

He either pays his fair share or he doesn't. If he pays his fair share then the amount of money she has for holidays etc is none of his business. I really don't agree with people paying maintenance and then thinking they have a say in what their ex spend on clothes holidays etc.
If he does then he should have just lent his ex the money for the presents. He could have reduced the amount for "extras" the following month?

OP

The maintenance your husband pays, including the additional payments he makes - is this set my CMS? Or a private arrangement? If the latter, is it more or less than CMS?

I really don't agree with people paying maintenance and then thinking they have a say in what their ex spend on clothes holidays etc

but this wasn't maintenance. He pays maintenance anyway. Ex asked for more money for the child. Fine. Except it wasn't, it was for a holiday for her.

This is not her spending her child maintenance on a holiday for herself. This is her pleading poverty, asking for EXTRA money for her child, and then blatantly spending it on herself.

This is her asking her ex to fund her holiday.

Dungeondragon15

The amount OPs husband sent was in addition to the fair maintenance and extras he already pays... She rang him crying saying she had no money for DC and needed £400 in addition to what he already pays (which is a good amount) and she then spent that money on a holiday. It is deceptive and cheeky and I can't honestly understand how you could come to any other conclusion.

Kikipost OP has already stated he pays more than CMS

Yanbu Op

However some of the other women on here will fall over themselves trying to prove the man is always in the wrong despite the situation. It's kind of sad really.

Super chill, I don’t think giving £80 a week even with everything else would be mean he is in a particularly high salary

My ex pays £2250 a month for two children. He’s on £152k. That is the kind of CM one receives from a high salary. He has them 4 nights a month

@Kikipost it's a private arrangement between them

Ah. How come? Sounds like an objective calculation would be useful in this scenario