Ex spent money to go on holiday

[coplings]

Ex rang dh crying she had no money for their child. He pays weekly maintenance as well as as extras.

Dh gave ex a lump sum of money (she asks for a certain amount)

A few weeks later ex goes on a drinking holiday without telling us - not that she needs to but obviously dh needs to know where step child is while she is gone

Dh then finds out through a mutual friend of both of theirs that the money has been used to go on this holiday and not spent on the child. He knows this because the woman that booked the holiday (it's a group of women who went) did it on the same day as the money was transferred for the exact amount she asked for (well she asked for £400 and the holiday was £394)

What should he do?

I would switch to buying the things she allegedly needs or paying directly

e.g.
"I need nappies" -> Amazon delivery
"I need food" -> online supermarket shop
"The gas bill needs paying" -> okay give me your n power details.
etc.

IR if she's as bad as you say she is she'll just waste all her cash on going out etc. anyway but at least this way you know your Step child is receiving the things they need.
I would not be buying toys from the child "from her" though...

@Juells I won't say how much. There will be people saying it's not enough but also people saying it's too much. You can never win as far as maintenance goes.

What I will say is a few months go it was increased. But dh was already paying what I would consider a fair amount considering we do have the child a lot. We also buy clothes and anything else he needs and swimming lessons also.

What I'm saying is dh is definitely not a parent who is tight as far as paying for his child goes. He really isn't.

@Littlechocola no not yet. He's just going to wait until he feels he can speak to her as he's too angry at the min

@Horsemenoftheaclopalypse totally get what you are saying.

We will never do it again. I'm not a massive fan of her but even I felt sorry for her when I heard this phone call. Well sorry for my step child mostly. Very clever how she did it.

Stop the extra money and buy the items for the child instead. Remove clothing tags etc so they cant be returned for money and label things in the child's name where you can.
Still pay the maintenance but spend the extra money directly on the child.
There's not a lot you can do about the holiday money I'm afraid.

She said this a few weeks ago before Xmas and said she had no money to buy any Xmas presents. It's also the child's birthday just after Xmas and said she had no money for birthday gifts either. Really made dh feel guilty.

Did she buy the kids Xmas and birthday presents?

@Comeymemo yes she did thank goodness

As others have said I’d stop spending cash & at best buy any extra but being brutually honest I think he needs to work through his guilt issues and stop letting her manipulate him. He pays a fair maintenance plus some activities plus own contact time. She will keep asking if he keeps providing. She won’t suddenly start budgeting etc if she doesn’t have to because he will pick up the pieces. What did he think the £400 was for - that’s not a weekly shop or needing new shoes - what did she say and did the child get x? If it was say Christmas presents she might have foolishly put it on credit cards for instance whilst blowing the cash.

For me your husband should text or ideally email if they do that (as either way it creates a written response) and if she said it was general spends then perhaps

‘Hi, Hope you had a good time a x. Have you decided how you pay back the £400 loan? Say we say £x a week / month? Do you still have bank details for the direct debit?’

Or if she said it was for x I’d actually be blunter:-

‘Hi, Hope you enjoyed x. Did you manage to get x with the extra £400? I gave you? Just need to remind you that we have readjusted maintenance so its .... (add in the terms). Thus was confused about the extra request particular as you had £394 for the holiday. Please bear in mind that I am unlikely to be able to help with further emergency requests as I’ve upped the maintenance already. ‘

Either way just trying to say that this needs to be the last time she can pull this.... but that means him saying no. She won’t be happy and so their could be fall out but sounds as if there will whatever happens

Since she did buy the presents, I think YABU. ExH gave her the money; she did what she said she was going to do (ie bought presents). The gift wasn’t means-tested or conditional; once she had received it, she was free to manage it however she saw fit. The fact she also went on holidays is none of your business I’m afraid.

@Comeymemo no absolutely not.

It's very unlucky on her part that we found out. Dh ran into the woman who booked the holidays husband yesterday.

They used to be close friends but not so much now, haven't spoken for a couple of years.

The conversation got onto the holiday.

The friend explained to dh how the ex was desperate to go on this holiday but she didn't have the funds as she had already bought the Xmas presents for the child.

It got to the day the holiday was being booked as ex sent a message to her friend asking her I hold on as she was going to try get the money.

That morning she rang dh in tears. We transferred the money straightaway as she seemed desperate (I was actually the one to do it as I have access to the banking app on my phone)

Ex then transferred £394 at lunch time to her friend and the holiday was booked that afternoon.

Ex would never in a million years expect to get found out.

@Comeymemo and where the hell am I saying it is my business that she went on holiday? I couldn't care less except that I've paid for it!!!

I would get him to go on the online calculator and work out exactly how much he should be paying. I would pay ex calculated amount, If he was paying more then this to her, then that's tough that's what happens when you try to take advantage of peoples good nature! I would budget and spend the difference on the child direct in other ways (clothing ect).

You can't take away what she's entitled to or dictate what she spends it's on but you can take away all the extras he once paid her and spend it on the child instead = better outcome for the child.

If the child doesn't need anything extra in a month he can put the difference in money into a bank account for their future if he doesn't do that already, then he/she will benefit in the long run too.

I am separated and receive the standard maintenance myself & in your position with step children so I understand where you're coming from but once it's handed over there isn't much that can be done.

I think you do need to call her on this, but not let it get nasty.
Maybe tell her that while you know she spent a lot on the Xmas gifts, her friends husband told you that the extra £400 was used on her holiday, not for the child.
That because if this you feel she has abused your trust, and from now on you won't be handing over any more cash.
However should the child need something you are willing to buy it or pay bills directly to event, so the child does not miss out.
Maybe ask the school to Inform you of any planned trips so you can budget for them...

@mummmy2017 totally agree.

What does your DH feel about all of this, is he willing to call her out on it?

@billybagpuss yes he will do. He just needs to be careful as she will no doubt ignore his daily FaceTime calls etc and make drop offs and collections difficult if he argues with her. So he's just going to give it a few days and then say that he knows what she's done and this will be the last time we will be transferring her any extra money over

The thing is she probably knows we know! If that makes sense. Her best friends husband is who was talking to dh so no doubt he will of gone back and told his wife who of course will of told the ex straight away. Though have to say the husband was really angry about it

Nothing you can do apart from learn from the experience.

You DH needs to tell her he is aware of her using the money to go on holiday and that it is taking the piss.

In the future, apart from regular maintenance, suggest he buys a specific item rather than handing over a chunk of cash.

The worst of it is, in trying to do the right thing, you must feel completely taken for a mug

I know quite a few divorced couples with children, the minimum maintenance amount they are required to pay is nowhere near half of the living expenses of the child/ren, even if you threw in a 'few extras'.

I see my opinion isn't a popular one but if she is asking you for money so that she can afford to go on a holiday (what she did on that holiday is none of your business) then it comes across to me that she feels like the amount you contribute is no where near enough.

If you want to be transparent and honest about who is BU here then the amount you pay to her usually is relevant and no one can pass a true judgement without that information. For all we know she hasn't spent any money on herself for years and this is her first blowout in a very long time. If you genuinely thought that what you paid was enough you would be happy to say it IMO.

@StoppinBy it is not dh's or mine responsibility to pay for her holiday!!!! Ffs if she wants to go on holiday then SAVE for it like the rest of us have too.

You're basically saying we don't give her enough maintenance because she can't afford to go on holiday? Ridiculous.

And no I keep saying it's not my business she's gone on holiday. I couldn't care less but I've fucking paid for it

I have 2 dcs to my ex so I don't need to be told about maintenance. Dh pays for for 1 child than my ex pays for my 2 out together and he buggered off to the other side of the country and never sees them.

She spent the money you gave her on presents so I don't get the issue. I think yAbu.

Is your DH allowed holidays? If your DH's didn't have to support his child, she may well be able to go on holiday all the time!

Is your DH meeting at least half the costs of a 6 year old? Living, swimming, dinners, trips, hobbled, clothes, toys? CMS rates are often far too low.

Those posters saying he should buy stuff instead of money, that is very controlling. Why should she have to come cap on hand?

He gave her money for presents. She bought presents.

It's not your business what she does on holiday. I'm assuming the child wasn't left alone?

Yes, how much does he pay per month?