Ex spent money to go on holiday

[coplings]

Ex rang dh crying she had no money for their child. He pays weekly maintenance as well as as extras.

Dh gave ex a lump sum of money (she asks for a certain amount)

A few weeks later ex goes on a drinking holiday without telling us - not that she needs to but obviously dh needs to know where step child is while she is gone

Dh then finds out through a mutual friend of both of theirs that the money has been used to go on this holiday and not spent on the child. He knows this because the woman that booked the holiday (it's a group of women who went) did it on the same day as the money was transferred for the exact amount she asked for (well she asked for £400 and the holiday was £394)

What should he do?

kiki by my (guessed ) calculations, its not a massive amount more than CMS would recommend for his salary.

Yes but if the ex actually had an outside body confirming the figure she may be less inclined to behave like this

Sorry I missed the salary?

kikiby my (guessed ) calculations, its not a massive amount more than CMS would recommend for his salary.

It would be when you take into account that they have the child, on average at least 50%.

I guessed between about 35 - 40k

yes that's a good point!

I think once your husband has calmed down I would simply say to her that he understands that the money she begged for was not for christmas presents but infact for a holiday for herself.

As he doesnt appreciate being lied to, he will consider the money a loan, and reduce the CM payment by the appropriate amount over a year/6 months whatever. And then not have any further discussion about it.

If this becomes an argument then I would suggest he reduce the CM to the CMS figure, and add the additional funds to the pot for all the kids, and ensure that they all get clothes, shoes, school trips etc equally from him.

I aboslutely think that she is taking the micky, and completely understand why it causes rage and brings into question everything else - even if it is thought that everything else is good - its about trust isnt it.

2-3 nights a week isn't classed as 50% of the time though

You guessed

But no word from the OP. So no idea whether accurate or not

2-3 nights a week isn't classed as 50% of the time though

3 nights is about 40%. Sometimes it's 4 nights.....plus most of the school holidays.

Even at 3 nights CMS would be greatly reduced

but this wasn't maintenance. He pays maintenance anyway. Ex asked for more money for the child. Fine. Except it wasn't, it was for a holiday for her.

When I say maintenance, I don't mean the official amount calculated by the CSA which would be based on his salary and is often a pittance in comparison to the true cost of raising a child. I am referring to whether he is actually paying his fair share based on the actual cost.

Has DH decided what he’s Going to do yet OP?

hm yes that's true I had missed the part about the school holidays,

it does seem like he is somewhat over paying based on that, though I guess that is his choice.

if I was in his position I certainly wouldn't be giving her extra cash on top.

dragon he pays more than CMS recommend, considerably more taking into account what boys has just pointed out.

He clearly is paying (and doing!) his "fair share" and his ex is clearly incredibly irresponsible with money.

I think you need to have a conversation with her about this. If she spent a lot on birthday and Christmas gifts and it left her unable to pay for a holiday she had planned for and desperately needed it's not a complete lie. Yes the way it has happened (that you have heard third hand) sounds manipulative and that is not ok. However your step child having a happy mother will ultimately make them a happier child.

If the mother asked for £400 for gifts, bought nothing and then went on holiday it would be selfish in the extreme. It seems they spent a lot on gifts, and were left with nothing and then used money for something they felt they needed. Talk to her, find out her side of it and find out if there is a way you can work together to make sure she is spreading costs through the year and not having to ask for additional support beyond the agreed maintenance. I know this is being very supportive and giving from you and your husband but you have a lifetime relationship with this woman so keeping it as positive and open as you can (in spite of your current anger and disappointment) will be in your own interests.

It does sound like he is overlaying, if he's not a high earner. Even given the "true cost" of children. And especially so if OP is doing without. Was ex bu to ask for £400? Yes. Based on the amount of maintenance she gets regularly, sibu go ask for more, even more u if she was dishonest about it. Was the DH bu to just give away £400 before Christmas, when his family is only just about managing, and can't afford luxuries, or holidays? Bloody hell, yes!

Paying £80/week, and doing shared care, and gifting £400, when your family cannot afford luxuries/your own expenses? I don't think I'm the one being idiotic questioning this arrangement!

Salmakia sorry I still don't agree.

His ex over spending at Christmas and then not being able to afford a holiday is not her ex husband's responsibility. A holiday is not a necessity. If she couldn't afford it in addition to Christmas then she shouldn't have booked it. You don't just book a holiday and then think, it's okay I'll get my ex to fund it.

She lied and said she needed money for her child. That was not true and was completely deceptive.

Saying having a happy mum equals a happy child and so it's not a problem is insane.

My DHs ex would be happy if we paid for her to have a sports car. It doesn't mean we should or that it's our responsibility to.

dragon he pays more than CMS recommend, considerably more taking into account what boys has just pointed out.

I know that. I am saying that if the amount he pays is a true reflection of the cost of bringing up his children then he should butt out of what his ex spends on herself as it is non of his business. If he is paying more then he should pay less and if this kind of things arises in the future then just lend her the money. Either way, paying maintenance (whether or not more than the CMS calculated amount) does not give exes the right to have a say in what is spent on things that are not related to the children.

TinaTurnipp I do think she was wrong in how she went about it. And I do think a conversation needs to happen between the the ex and coplings husband. That might be about budgeting for future holidays, and it might be about making repayments. But the main thing is trying really hard to keep open communication and keep all parties as happy as can be because co-parenting is so hard! I co-parent and really really do not get on with my ex, actually get on fairly well with their partner now who is a step parent figure to my child. Sometimes I am sure they have questions about what I spend my money on but they don't raise them in aggressive ways which helps us all (they also don't pay me anything, nor I them as we have an equal 50/50 split so just split costs for things like uniform which I know makes things easier)

Dungeondragon15

She lied to get £400.00 extra from him to pay for her holiday?! In what way is that okay want requires him to butt out of her business.

He has literally paid for his ex to go on holiday!

Are you being purposefully ignorant of the actual situation?

Paying £80/week, and doing shared care, and gifting £400, when your family cannot afford luxuries/your own expenses? I don't think I'm the one being idiotic questioning this arrangement

I don't think any of us think that gifting £400 was sensible! but I can understand why he did.

Lol SuperChill Not sure what you are trying to achieve with all your posts but they are coming across as odd. Not sure if you genuinely don't understand the OP or whether you are deliberately being contrary for your own amusement.

well I think a happy dad would equal a happy dss. I might ask dss mum for £2000 to take her child and his dad on holiday.

I cant imagine I would get very far with that!

I genuinely don't understand OP's situation.

I wouldn't be happy struggling financially, not having holidays etc, while my OH paid well over what is usual/needed to his ex. For an average income (OP says her DH is not a high earner), £80/week, plus shared care, plus having 4 kids at home is not just over CMS rates, it's way way way over CMS rates. I also wouldn't feel the person for me to be angry with is the ex!

OP is unhappy enough with things to post on here. The ex has behaved badly, according to OP. But is knowing that going to make OP feel better? No. But working out why her DH is allowing such disparity in lifestyles may. It's all very odd.

the issue is that the ex spent money meant for the child on going on holiday.

she asked for thoughts on that

not on her dh and whether you think what he is doing is right

She lied to get £400.00 extra from him to pay for her holiday?! In what way is that okay want requires him to butt out of her business.

It's not okay to lie but it is also not okay to get involved with what his ex spends money on.

He has literally paid for his ex to go on holiday!

Not necessarily. It would depend on whether he had given his ex a reasonable amount of money to cover expenses relating to his children that month. If the lie meant he gave more then he did pay for the holiday and he should tell her that he will be paying for less the next month. If the lie just meant he paid his share then no he didn't. He paid for his children and it meant she didn't have to cover his fair share.