Ex spent money to go on holiday

[coplings]

Ex rang dh crying she had no money for their child. He pays weekly maintenance as well as as extras.

Dh gave ex a lump sum of money (she asks for a certain amount)

A few weeks later ex goes on a drinking holiday without telling us - not that she needs to but obviously dh needs to know where step child is while she is gone

Dh then finds out through a mutual friend of both of theirs that the money has been used to go on this holiday and not spent on the child. He knows this because the woman that booked the holiday (it's a group of women who went) did it on the same day as the money was transferred for the exact amount she asked for (well she asked for £400 and the holiday was £394)

What should he do?

What is wrong with you lot! If a man didn't pay because he needed a holiday due to working all year and regularly paying support you'd say he was selfish.
And yes the dad should know where his dc is.
And all this about low maintenance and not much extras, women get the extra help also from the government, like CB Childcare hours. Dads have to pay their bills too and when dads ask for more time, or 50/50 they get told no, your only doing it for the money.
Jez, why can't some people stay on track, and give advice base on what the OP wrote.
If you lot heard a mother at school left her dc and went on a boozey holiday you would all be quick to condemn her.

@Superchill read my other comments. Clearly haven't read all the posts

She spent the money you gave her on presents

Presumably these were 'from Mummy' , good old Mummy. I would also bet that your OH also sent Christmas presents, so in fact she conned him there too.

You have declined to say how much he pays.

Too little, then. Whether you consider it fair is immaterial, it's whether it's half the cost of the child to the standard of living you can afford.

Fine, he pays £80 per week. We pay for swimming lessons, clothes, 1 after school club, 1 lunch time club. He stays with us every weekend and 1/2 nights per week during the week. He stayed with us all Xmas and new year. We have him more than half the holidays because I can have him - I'm on mat leave.

That won't be enough for you @Superchill clearly. But I have 2 dcs and we've got a baby of our own.

We don't live a life of luxury. We can't afford holidays. We get by the best we can and put all our money into our dcs giving them the best life we can.

But we are not there to make sure the ex has her holiday. That's not our job. I honestly can't believe the posters who believe what she's done is ok

@coplings I would just take some of the comments for the ex on here and be prepared to here her say the same.
And as pp said paying half for the child which a parent can afford. But then again people are meant to suddenly whip money out their arses if it's not enough.
Ignore the goady posters. The EX is a cf and needs to cry to someone else.

@stuckbetweenlife oh I know, there's always one isn't there? I'm a regular on here and see it all the time.

It's just upsetting as dh is such a lovely dad. He really really is. He does his best for us all. But then she goes and takes advantage of it.

Wow, that is ultimate CF territory! Unfortunately, as you have insinuated, someone who will do that will probably have few qualms about using access to the child as a bargaining tool. I would call her out on her behaviour but just say "never happening again". If the child needs something then dad buys direct, never a penny more above what has been agreed to mum. Do you have court orders btw? We're in Aus so different system but you can get orders by consent easily if both parents agree then if mum tries to limit contact you have something enforceable.

Every weekend and up to 2 weekdays - sounds like you have almost 50/50 there or even slightly over? I presume she is getting the child benefit and then your dh's maintenance on top? Something definitely off there. I'm actually not sure on the legalities - ex hasn't seen dc in years so I am definitely the resident parent! But if it was 50/50 I wouldn't be expecting maintenance payments.

I’m going to go against the grain here- if and where it can be afforded the childs standard of living should be maintained. That’s the point of maintenance- it’s not a race to the bottom to see how little your dh can pay so that god forbid DSS mother has a life too.

I speak as a single mum who has had this argument with my ex. The simple fact is all money that I get goes into one pot. That pot pays the rent, the bills, travel, school activities, clubs, Christmas and birthdays. In the same way you and your dh share your finances, his ex is sharing her finances with his son.

It’s all coming out of the same pot. Who are you to say that she hadn’t been saving for a holiday over time, had the money but used part of it to pay for a bill/presents and the money provided on that date didn’t make that money back up?

Borrow from one hand to pay the other?

As for the ‘pay in kind’ stuff- that’s controlling and ridiculous. If she spends what you two as a unit approve of, that’s okay. She has to play her parental choices before you both before getting things for her child? If you approve and she behaves she gets to have things for her son? How humiliating.

If you don’t trust her around her son then do something about it, but don’t dress it up as anything than what it comes across as.

You’re pissed off with her. You’ve never said that the child has gone without, that the child is upset. You’re the person who is pissed off in this scenario. I get it (believe it or not, I really do) but if you consider your joint money to be going to support something you don’t believe in, then maybe consider having your money for bills etc in one account, an account of your own, and a joint savings account. Leave him take care of this one.

@coplings No, it's not your responsibility to pay for her holiday, but it is your husbands (and you by default as his wife) to pay to support his child in a reasonable financial split. Many non custodial parents for example will take on cash in hand jobs that earn them a decent income while declaring minimal income to relevant agencies so therefore reducing dramatically the amount of maintenance they pay so while they live comfortably the custodial parent continually goes without to pay to support the child essentially on their own. In that scenario I would have no sympathy for you whatsoever.

Depending on the cost of living, the age of the child, benefits the Mother receives etc the amount you pay sounds like it would be reasonable if you do have the child quite a bit and provide other non mandatory things for the child.

You can't get cranky when people assume you are paying bugger all when your post is about money but you wont say what you are actually paying.

If you don't want differing opinions then don't ask complete strangers what they think.

Seriously some people need to stop their mental gymnastics and accept that this woman is a CF. She is getting £350 a month from him for having the child what seems like little over half of the time. Based upon a 4/3 split morally the maintenance should cover 1/14th of the cost of raising the child (albeit the useless CMS fail to consider the non resident parents costs of having the child when calculating maintenance) so unless the child is costing more than £5000 a month the maintenance seems more than fair.

She knows she was being a CF, hence why she didn’t mention going or informing the DC father who was looking after the child.

Like PP have said, just pay directly for items she needs and no more lump sums of money.

People are missing the point, she LIED to get the money by saying she has no money for their child!

That is emotional blackmail and a total abuse of the relationship with OP and her DH.

OP you & your DH sound like decent people and if she'd been honest about overspending on Xmas presents and asking for a loan for holiday, you may well have helped her out. But the lie was totally out of order.

You have every right to be pissed off, she's been caught out and will have burned her bridges for any future favours needed. As other people have suggested, worst case scenario send actual items for the child in future if needed so the child doesn't suffer.

Small claims court. Cheeky cow.

Some people will twist anything to be able to say a woman isn't being a cheeky fucker.

She gets loads of money, especially since the op and her dh have the child so much. I would suggest that if they went by the calculator that she would get Sweet FA.

It is absolutely not the ops the job to pay for her holidays. That money was for the child. It was requested for the child with no intention of it going on the child.

The ops dh also bought the Christmas presents for the child from himself and the child's mother.

I am a single parent and I get its hard. But claiming that this woman should be able to pay for half the child's carejd costs plus extras for herself out of maintenance is ridiculous. If she needs more money, she need to earn it herself. They have the child at least half the time.

The women is a CF through and through to have the cheek to ring up upset re money then spend it all on a holiday without DC?!!!

OP ignore the silly posts on here...totally get where you and DH are coming from you must be so frustated and feel lied to through and through!

I had a big child care bill and expensive swimming lessons to pay in January. I asked ex for an extra contribution. The day he gave me it i dropped something off for DC in gym clothes as i had a new gym membership. I did feel embarrassed but are women not allowed anything for themselves if in receipt of maintenance?
I get the holiday scenario is cheeky. But it's not entirely straightforward.

It's a holiday for herself not even for their child of course her fucking ex shouldn't pay for it!

He should only pay her the maintenance (at the appropriate level of course) and not hand over any more actual money. She has taken advantage of him.

If she rings up saying she needs x, pay for it directly. She's shown she can't be trusted.

I have an arrangement with my DD's dad that he pays for some of her activities as well as maintenance. He transfers me the extra amount as needed based on what I tell him it is. If he found out I'd embellished the amount and spent it on a holiday I think he'd be quite rightly very cross and never pay me directly for the extras again.

I wouldn't make a big deal of it. It's done, she'll know he is angry. Your OH should just right à very simple email, say that he understand the money went on the holiday and even though its not for him to know what she does with the money, it's was requested on an understanding it was as an emergency for the benefit of the children and as such, he won't agree to transfer any cash from now on.

Ex then transferred £394 at lunch time to her friend and the holiday was booked that afternoon
He transfered this exact amiunt? Didn't he wonder why such a specific request?

I did feel embarrassed but are women not allowed anything for themselves if in receipt of maintenance?

Child maintenance is for the child. If it part of your household budget and goes into one pot, I get that. But if you are spending on yourself to the point you can't afford stuff for your kids and you get more than fair maintenance and you want a holiday for yourself. You save.

This woman gets loads, especially since she has the child around half the time. She asked for this money, using her child when it was for a holiday.

If you joined the gym, knowing you couldn't Afford your bills that is ridiculous. It would be for anyone regardless of their circumstance.

For all you saying that it is the OP husband 'duty' to pay for his EX and only his EX to go on holiday can you explain why.

I could understand paying a contribution if their child was also going, but not just EX.

@swingofthings no as my post says she asked for £400