Ex spent money to go on holiday

[coplings]

Ex rang dh crying she had no money for their child. He pays weekly maintenance as well as as extras.

Dh gave ex a lump sum of money (she asks for a certain amount)

A few weeks later ex goes on a drinking holiday without telling us - not that she needs to but obviously dh needs to know where step child is while she is gone

Dh then finds out through a mutual friend of both of theirs that the money has been used to go on this holiday and not spent on the child. He knows this because the woman that booked the holiday (it's a group of women who went) did it on the same day as the money was transferred for the exact amount she asked for (well she asked for £400 and the holiday was £394)

What should he do?

I think a lot of people are missing the point that she is a lying cow! It's only by a very very small coincidence that dh bumped into her duress husband who told him everything.

Ex would never in a million years think that we would of found out about it. She was very very convincing

If you are sure ex will find out that DH knows the money has gone on a holiday with the money he gave, I advise him not mentioning it. He can just say that from now on he is unable to give cash and will buy things the child needs.

If she questions it, just say that this method suits us better. That might avoid any potential arguments about how she used the money and any retaliation.

I'm 'lucky' that my exh pays CMS rate of maintenance.

He's never paid a single penny more. Not for school trips or uniform. Not for swimming lessons, cubs, guides. Not for music lessons or dance club. Nothing for emergencies or the time when ds was getting through a pair of (cheap) trainers a week by using his toes as a scooter brake. Not a single penny over CMS/CSA rate in 9 years.

I've had to BUDGET hard. I don't go on flashy holidays. I don't have my nails and hair done. I drive an oldish banger that the kids are embarrassed to be seen in. I save a little each month for Christmas and birthdays, and car expenses - and I save up for a couple of years before I take us ALL on holiday.

OP I suggest you get CMS to work out what his MINIMUM obligation is. Then pay for any extras directly - new uniform, trainers, trips etc.

His ex is being a C.F. of the highest order. I would be reminding her how much he's contributed over the odds and tell her she needs to BUDGET. How she manages her finances is not your responsibility.

Make sure it's made clear to the cf that it won't be happening again and insist on being paid back. No extras at all. I can't believe people are defending the cheeky cow.

Otherwise she's got away with her lies.

I

If you joined the gym, knowing you couldn't Afford your bills that is ridiculous. It would be for anyone regardless of their circumstance.

I'd have struggled to do it comfortably without contribution from ex. But as huge chunks of my living expenses are for the DC, it's not ridiculous in my eyes to need a contribution.

If he didn't pay child maintenance (above CMS) rates then I definitely couldn't afford to ever have a hair cut, drink coffee, buy a new bra,... or any of the things I occassionally do for myself. I couldn't afford my bills.

Thats not irresponsible. My household budget depends on his contribution - above statutory rates. Sometimes my budget includes things not for DC.

CMS was set low to help enforcement. It should not be considered a benchmark of fair or need.

That's really horrid behaviour on her part to phone him in tears and dupe him into handing money over.

I think he needs to calm down, then tell her that he knows what she spent it on, and she's completely broken all trust where money is concerned. She needs to know that he knows.

It baffles me completely how some posters will always, always try to twist the situation so it's not the mother's fault. It's really amazing.

No it is absolutely not your DHs responsibility to pay for this woman's holiday. I would feel differently if the child was going with her but they aren't.

Your DH sounds like he pays very fairly for the child considering he practically has 50/50 care.

And saying OPs DH must not be paying enough if the ex can't afford to go on holiday is just utterly stupid. There are hundreds and hundreds of families who can't really afford to blow £400 on a holiday (and all the additional costs one brings). The OP has said herself that they can't afford to either. Should the ex give them £400.00 towards their next summer hol?

That does sound like he pays fairly. No extras, then.

In future, if he thinks the kid will be short of presents or anything, he can buy them from him.

So your DH has 50/50 care.
He pays £350 per month + probably another £60 or so for clubs etc + clothes.

The Ex works part time, gets tax credits, maintenance, child benefit, lodger income and lies to basically steal an extra £400.

And some posters are saying you are unreasonable.

OP, I'd be pointing out that you know and you expect the money to be repaid over X months. There will be no more favours or extra money.

I would be more concerned that my child is under a mum who thinks 'drinking holidays' are acceptable. Does she have otherwise and issue with alcohol?

@rainbowbash no issues with alcohol that I'm aware of. She goes out a lot and doesn't like to miss any nights out etc

Blimey £80 a week is loads

@SymphonyofShadows I was thinking the same thing (not helpful I know). Also, it's obvious what it is, just never realised it was an actual type of holiday.

Sounds like your DH is a brilliant dad who is being taken advantage of. Can't stand women who don't appreciate decent exs. I get £32 a week for 3dc. Ex has them 4 hours a week. No extras, no help with uniform, trips, classes, holidays. I struggle like hell while he goes on multiple holidays with gf and her child.

I’m really surprised at the defence of the ex. No-one should lie in order to extort money from another person. If the ex thinks the maintenance paid is wrong she needs to take action and if she was on here saying as much she’d get lots of support. She hasn’t though she choose to commitment what is actually a crime or damn near close to one. How much maintenance she gets actually doesn’t matter. You can’t extort money.

I still think that she needs telling as calming as possible that she has been rumbled. Get it ‘on the record’.

I would be very reluctant to transfer extra cash again.

It baffles me completely how some posters will always, always try to twist the situation so it's not the mother's fault. It's really amazing.

Quite.

How so many can defend her is astonishing and you know damn well most of those defending her would not be doing so if she was a he.

She's a CF. End of. Pay maintenance. Pay for some extras if it makes you and your DH feel comfortable as long as you pay it directly to the recipient. But never give her one penny over maintenance again.

Oh get a grip @rainbowbash people with children are allowed to let their hair down occasionally. She's left her child safely with grandparents, she's not getting pissed while taking care of her child!

FWIW I'm sure she manages absolutely fine on that money. I'm a single mum working PT and getting tax credits, I get £500pm from my ex and DS and I live pretty comfortably on that. We take 2 foreign holidays a year and have multiple days out etc.

Child maintenance is for the child to have a decent lifestyle, not to pay for the mother's holidays. If I want to go away without DS I save from my wages, not ask my ex for more money to fund it.

I'm not sure that the amount spent on the holiday is relevant really. alcohol. So what if the money he transferred was spent on the holiday. She may have used her own earnings to pay for the "extra". She's only lying if the child didn't get the extra. The relevant part is whether your DH is paying too much for extras anyway. What his ex does with money is none of his business if the amount he pays is reasonable considering the costs of raising his child. Calling it a "drinking" holiday is particularly outrageous.

Dungeon but if she needed extra money for the child then she's got no business going on holiday in the first place. If I couldn't afford Christmas presents for my child then I wouldn't be spending money on a holiday for myself!

Wow- never ceases to amaze me the lengths some people will go to to twist and make the Mum look right.

No- she LIED and CRIED to get extra money for a holiday for herself. Not ok by any stretch of the imagination. She did not put it in the 'pot' and also buy for the child. She paid direct for the holiday the same day op's DH sent her the money.

Op has already stated they have near 50/50 care and pay a high amount of maintenance.

@TinaTurnipp completely agree. I've been a single mother for years before I met dh. Don't get me wrong, it's hard.

But yet it seems that some think she should get everything. We should pay her more so she can have a better life? What about us? What about my dc? I take it we deserve nothing then all because we are married and have a house?

This woman isn't struggling. She has a lovely house, looks after herself (as in frequently gets her hair done, new clothes etc). She's not by any means 'broke'

Last year she had 3 holidays. One was abroad. She went to a festival. She bought a new sofa and all new living room furniture. (And before anyone says anything, yet again I realise this is not my business and I'm not saying it is!!!)

Yet everyone has this view of 'oh she's a single mother she must have next to nothing and you don't pay enough for her child'

Last year for us, no holidays. Nothing new. We just plod along the best we can. Who pays us money so we can go on holiday? I get next to nothing for my 2dcs. Shall I ask my ex to pay more so me and dh can get away?

Yes dh does pay more than what cms say he should and that's because he knows what a child costs and what cms say isn't really enough so he pays more.

but if she needed extra money for the child then she's got no business going on holiday in the first place. If I couldn't afford Christmas presents for my child then I wouldn't be spending money on a holiday for myself!

She may have spent money she saved for the holiday on the "extra" for the child and needed to replace it. If the child didn't get the "extra" then there is certainly reason for the OP's DH to complain. But otherwise it isn't his business. People haven't got the right to stick their nose into their exes spending habits just because they pay maintenance.

Dungeon but she should have gone without the holiday then instead of expecting money from her ex to fund it. A holiday is not a necessity. And I disagree, if you are asking for EXTRA money outside of agreed maintenance then it is their business what it's going on. I say that as a single mother who gets maintenance myself.