Ex spent money to go on holiday

[coplings]

Ex rang dh crying she had no money for their child. He pays weekly maintenance as well as as extras.

Dh gave ex a lump sum of money (she asks for a certain amount)

A few weeks later ex goes on a drinking holiday without telling us - not that she needs to but obviously dh needs to know where step child is while she is gone

Dh then finds out through a mutual friend of both of theirs that the money has been used to go on this holiday and not spent on the child. He knows this because the woman that booked the holiday (it's a group of women who went) did it on the same day as the money was transferred for the exact amount she asked for (well she asked for £400 and the holiday was £394)

What should he do?

OP stated the shared care and reasonable regular maintenance after lots of posts, though, so a bit of a drip feed. Which is odd, because it would have made it very clear from the start that the ex wbu, so why be coy?

At that level of shared care, and regular maintenance, it strikes me as odd that OP's DH would acquiesce to a demand for £400. I assume OP's DH is a very high earner, to pay at such a rate with shared care.

Based on what OP has said, OP inbu. Except to load judgement on her step child's mum talking about a "drinking holiday" . OP clearly dislikes the ex, so some posters are viewing her evidence through that lens.

Yes dh does pay more than what cms say he should and that's because he knows what a child costs and what cms say isn't really enough so he pays more.

It sounds like he is actually just paying his share of what the child costs and the reason you don't have any spare money is just because your ex isn't pay his share of what his children cost. It seems to me that you are blaming the wrong person.

Why can't you afford holidays? Your income won't be included in the maintenance calculation, and your DH must be a high earner to pay at that rate.

This all makes no sense.

Except to ensure everyone says "poor OP, cheeky ex", which is what you want to hear?

Dungeon but she should have gone without the holiday then instead of expecting money from her ex to fund it.

He didn't necessarily "fund" the holiday though. If the child received the extra he paid for that. If he is paying too much for the maintenance of his child including the extras he should reduce the amount. If he is paying a reasonable amount then he doesn't have the right to get involved with what she spends money on.

@Superchill it really wouldn't matter what I say to you. You are one of those that will go against anything I say.

We can't afford holidays because we have rent to pay. Council tax. Bills. Food. Maintenance. Have 4 children to provide for. Is that's good enough reason for you? Probably not.

As for not mentioning how after we have the step child....it's not about that. My post was never about that. It was about being lied too and her spending our money on a holiday for herself!!!

Maintenance, how much we have my step child etc was never the issue!

And I never wanted to say how much dh pays as no doubt there will be some that come on here saying 'well that's not enough'

We pay as much as we can afford to give her whilst making sure our other 3 children are not suffering for it.

@Dungeondragon15 she rang up verging saying she had no money for presents. She asked for money. We transferred it. She then booked a holiday that afternoon for herself. End of. No we didn't pay for his presents. She already bought them. She just couldn't afford to go on a holiday with her mates and didn't want to miss out.

Crying not verging

OP stated the shared care and reasonable regular maintenance after lots of posts, though, so a bit of a drip feed. Which is odd, because it would have made it very clear from the start that the ex wbu, so why be coy?

because she knew full well she would get slated for it no matter what amount they pay, or what the shared care situation is.

she wasn't drip feeding, she was protecting herself from all the bullshit posts which you always get on these threads

and actually the amount of maintenance and the shared care arrangement is really irrelevant.

the issue here is that dps ex wife asked for £400 for HER CHILD

she then spent it ALL except 6 quid on a holiday entirely for herself.

in what world is that reasonable?

that's not child maintenance, or even related to child maintenance its just cheeky as fuck and its why ex wives get a bad rep.

Not at all. After you answered the question over how much he pays, I agree that is likely more than fair. In fact, he must be a very high earner for that to be fair.

And if he is such a high earner, and can afford it as you say, resenting it is a road to unhappiness. Either pay extras, or don't, but resenting it only harms you. And if your DH is such a high earner, a) it's unusual in the UK to rent rather than have a mortgage, and b) I don't understand why you wouldn't budget to have holidays yourself?

I'm not out to get you, your situation doesn't make any sense.

@superchill my ex was paying me £400pm when he was on £35k. That's not a "very high earner."

And if he is such a high earner, and can afford it as you say, resenting it is a road to unhappiness. Either pay extras, or don't, but resenting it only harms you. And if your DH is such a high earner, a) it's unusual in the UK to rent rather than have a mortgage, and b) I don't understand why you wouldn't budget to have holidays yourself?

its really NOT that unusual to rent even when you have a good wage when you have 4 children to support. Its not even about how much you earn necessarily. You can have a decent wage and a shit credit rating, cant afford to buy a house big enough for 4 kids, need to save an enormous deposit.. I could go on. Its not unusual and for you to think it is suggests you are either v privileged to have not experienced any of this situations or just plain ignorant.

again, holidays for 4 children are expensive presuming that you go in the school holidays. Me and dp earn decently between ourselves, we go abroad once every 2 years on average because we have several hundred other things to pay for and its not that easy to just whip what 4 grand out your arse.

maybe op is budgeting but she cannot afford 4 or 5 grand every year. That's not unusual at all.

If you choose to give away money, resenting how it's spent is controlling, and a way to make yourself unhappy. The ex may have made a mug out of your DH. For the sake of family harmony, let it go. He had a choice when she admitted, and he chose to give her the money.

I suspect this is a DH problem. OP, just a question, are you being financially abused?

@flamingofridays thank you. That's exactly it. My post was never about maintenance or contact of the child.

@Superchill it makes perfect sense. What my dh earns is none of your business. He's not a high earner!!!!! He's just a good father that provides for his child. Why is this so hard for you to grasp??!!!

OP, just a question, are you being financially abused

how on EARTH did you come to that conclusion?

@Superchill financially abused??????

OP isn't just describing someone with a "good wage". To pay £80/week with that level of shared care, even far in excess of CMS rates, her DH must be a very high earner.

No, I don't know anyone who is that high an earner who rents.

I get the minimum maintenance required from my exH. It is £200 a month for three DC. I don’t get any extras from him, he’s never bought them a piece of clothing, uniform, helped towards school trips etc. Nothing. Thinks the £200 a month will cover everything when realistically that barely even covers their food let alone anything else. I’m fortunate enough to be in a financial position where it doesn’t cripple me but if I wasn’t, it would be pretty dire.

Your DH’s ex sounds very fortunate indeed and she’s taking him for granted. Agreed with PP’s that he needs to pay the maintenance once a month and buy clothes, shoes etc for the DC himself rather than giving her extra money. If she ever says in future that she needs money to cover uniform, clothes or anything else just buy them yourself rather than giving her money to fritter away.

superchill you really must have no idea how CMS works.

i'd estimate based on my own experience, that ops DH makes about 35-40k. Not really a "very high earner"

that's based on what dps ex pays us (a pittance) and I know what she earns and she has her ds 1 / 2 nights a week.

(op if im totally wrong I apologise this is just a guess to shut up certain posters!)

also just because you don't know people who rent it doesn't mean they don't exist!

I’m really surprised at the defence of the ex

Im not. There's always a few posters willing to defend the woman to the bitter end on these type of threads no matter what. Its ajways the Dad's fault and he never pays enough maintenance. Becayse of no doubt their own issues they are never willing to accept the woman could be at fault.

how much do you think he earns superchill

People haven't got the right to stick their nose into their exes spending habits just because they pay maintenance.

This was maintaince. It was given because she claimed to not have any money for the child. It wasn't spent on the child.

You have 5 kids, and he's paying £80/week for all of them? Plus the care when they're home and extras? That's a lot of money. If he's not a high earner, how can be afford to support 5 kids at £2000+ per month just for the kids?! That's a good salary on its own.

If he's paying his ex more than he's paying into the pot for his other kids, that would be financial abuse. OP clearly feels the finances are not fair, and it sounds like she's correct. I'm just not sure it's the ex's fault. Things don't add up.

@Superchill so now you have a problem because we are renting?????? Hahaha you are just one of these that come on here to wind people up aren't you? It really is none of your fucking business what dh earns. Or why we are renting.

No I'm not being financially abused. We just about scrap by.

No longer replying to your ridiculous posts

suspect this is a DH problem. OP, just a question, are you being financially abused

Right on cue comes along a poster who clearly always blames the man eh.