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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sick of DH not working?

159 replies

Withasideofbeans · 13/01/2019 12:21

Hi all. Just wanted to see what peoples opinions were on my current situation.

Me and DH have been together for 13 years, and have 1 DC aged 7. DH lost his job 4 months ago. The way he was dismissed was shit and the company were terrible, but I can’t honestly blame them for what they did as DH had form for pulling sickies very frequently.
Since he’s lost his job he has made a half arsed attempt at looking for another job, but still hasn’t found anything. I’ve had to pick up all the overtime I can get to cover the bills, but money is still very tight (we’re around £1300 a month down still). Over Christmas I’ve been very poorly, but haven’t been able to call in sick as I can’t afford to. This in itself had annoyed me. I’ve had to sit in work for 10 hours feeling like death and potentially making others ill all because if I did call in sick I wouldn’t be able to pay my bills. Every penny is accounted for.
Meanwhile, DH spends his days on his phone, playing on computer games and napping. I’ll ask him to make sure DCs homework is done and to bath DC, only to come home and have excuse after excuse of why he hasn’t done it.
I asked him to get up with DC yesterday so I could have a lie in, and he replied “why should I have to? What are you doing?”. It seems like he still expects everything to be equal and how it was when he was working, but the reality is I’m the sole earner now and still doing 100% of the housework and making sure DC is sorted for school.
I work nights, and DH doesn’t even bother making DCs lunch for school! This means that after a 9 hour night shift I have to come home at 3am and faff around making lunch, and then get up again at 7am with DC for school. On top of this he still expects sex whenever he wants, and doesn’t understand why I don’t want to. Would you want to have sex with someone where the relationship feels like mother and son?

I feel like I’m being taken for an absolute mug. I was understanding to begin with, and told him to take his time and find a job he’d stick with and would enjoy. But now it seems like he’s gotten comfortable and expects me to run around like a twat. It feels like I’m a single parent, and I’m starting to wonder what’s the point in him being there? To be brutally honest all he is now is a glorified babysitter.

I’m sorry if this is all over the place, I’m just trying to get all of the details out there in the first post. Feeling very sorry for myself and sick of my life at the minute.

OP posts:
Ragevibration · 13/01/2019 12:25

Fuck that.

Sorry to be blunt but he sounds like an arsehole. Does he have any good features?

This is actually, my first ever, LTB.

Is he job hunting? Why isn't he doing the housework sorting the kids out whilst you are working? He's not even being a SAHP he's being a bum. Kick him out - you're already managing just fine by yourself. What an arsehole.

ItsClemFandangoCanYouHearMe · 13/01/2019 12:26

He is treating you like absolute dirt. He doesn't even respect you enough to do the smallest thing to help you.

Run. Fast.

brick15 · 13/01/2019 12:26

He’s not even a babysitter, don’t kid yourself. So what do you want OP? How long are you prepared for this to continue. And assuming he even gets a job, as you said he’s got a knack for pulling sickies how long will he keep that one?

This needs a serious conversation with him about what he’s planning to do, what jobs he’s applied for, how is preparing for interview, what can he do to make sure he doesn’t get booted again etc and you need to decide whether you can live with it.

Original poster
Withasideofbeans · 13/01/2019 12:27

Just to add, this is the 3rd job DH has been dismissed from relating to absence. He’s a lazy shit and has a terrible work ethic.
Meanwhile, I’ve been up since 4am with DC, I need to leave for work in 1 hour and DH is still in bed. I asked him to get up with DC and he said “what?” Then fell back asleep. I don’t even want to wake him up now because I don’t want to see him.

OP posts:
Sexnotgender · 13/01/2019 12:28

If he's at home he should be doing the majority of the household tasks.

What is he actually bringing to the table? He sounds childish and a bit pointless.

madcatladyforever · 13/01/2019 12:29

No more sex and LTB. He is a pitiful wanker.

Original poster
Withasideofbeans · 13/01/2019 12:29

This is what I’ve been thinking. Am I prepared to put up with this for the next 50+ years? I don’t know. At the minute I need him for childcare, but I resent him and feel so bitter towards him. It’s always been that’s constantly working. I have to listen to my DC sob before I leave work because she’ll miss me, meanwhile he can stay at home and do fuck all? It’s not fair. I didn’t think my life would turn out like this.

OP posts:
Mrskeats · 13/01/2019 12:30

What is the point of him? Be better off on your own.

Sexnotgender · 13/01/2019 12:30

His 3rd job he's been fired from?!

He's a useless arsehole then.

CrazyDuchess · 13/01/2019 12:30

YANBU - and you know it!

Mrskeats · 13/01/2019 12:31

Would you qualify for tax credits on your own that would help with child care? And the child benefit maybe?

Original poster
Withasideofbeans · 13/01/2019 12:32

And I know from the OP I probably sound soft. I’m the complete opposite, I’m constantly telling him to do xyz, constantly having conversations on what he needs to do and I don’t have to put up with this shit etc. He’ll agree with me and say that he’ll change and pull his finger out, but nothing changes. How many times do you have to get on someone’s case before you write it off as a lost cause? At this point I’m sick of my own voice constantly having a go at him, it’s like talking to a brick wall.

OP posts:
KetchupOnRoastDinner · 13/01/2019 12:32

He sounds lazy, irresponsible, selfish and immature.

As said above, you are already doing all of the work and are the sole provider. Do you have family support?

Santaclarita · 13/01/2019 12:32

I would be pouring a large jug of freezing cold water over him every time he goes back to sleep.

Kick him out. He's a waste of space.

brick15 · 13/01/2019 12:33

All relationships expect a bit of give and take, and yes not everything is going to work out all the time and you have to support each other during bad times e.g job loss. But he could at least step up at home and support that side whilst you’re working.

If he has form for this (no work ethic) AND he’s not stepping up in the home - then more fool you for putting up with it. Sorry to be harsh but that’s the truth.

Bythebeach · 13/01/2019 12:33

Personally, I could never respect a man who behaved like this. And of course couldn’t be married to a man I didn’t respect. Plus what a horrendous example for your son. Your life would be a lot easier without this lazy freeloader. If he’s been dismissed from 3 jobs, he sounds like a lost cause not someone reacting to this dismissal and perhaps down/in need of support. You could give him an ultimatum but honestly, it’s unlikely he can fundamentally change. Do you want to be nagging forever? Just leave.

Apileofballyhoo · 13/01/2019 12:33

Does he have any redeeming features? Seems a clear case of LTB to me. I assume there is no chance he can claim to be the main carer of DC or anything?

Rafflesway · 13/01/2019 12:33

Good God, OP, you really need to ask?😱

Sorry, I have never before advised this on MNet but I think you need to LTB otherwise the rest of your life will be a complete misery with this total waster. Financially alone I believe you will be so much better off.

How the hell are you going to cover the £1300 per month shortfall? In just a few months that will add up to 000's. 😡

You deserve so much better!

TheABC · 13/01/2019 12:34

The problem with uktimatums is that he will promise the earth to avoid doing anything and you will be back to square one, but even more angry in a months time. Can he move out? You would have to find a sitter for your half of the week (assuming 50/50 care of the DC), but you would spend less on bills and utilities.

Original poster
Withasideofbeans · 13/01/2019 12:34

Only problem is because I work nights I don’t know if childcare is available from the hours or 5pm-3am. My mum couldn’t watch my DD as that would mean waking DD up at 2/3am and taking her home which would disrupt her sleep. And can’t have DD staying at my mums 4 nights a week minimum as it’s just not sustainable. I feel trapped.

OP posts:
Pachyderm1 · 13/01/2019 12:34

You would be much better off leaving him OP - he’s bringing in nothing and making your life much harder.

Moondancer73 · 13/01/2019 12:35

I feel for you, massively. I've been in a very similar situation with my now ex husband. He was a serial out of worker, would repeatedly lose jobs for excess sickness or fighting. At one point I had two jobs while he had none and he did nothing at home except get stoned.
My advise to you is get out now. It's hard but he's not going to change so you have to cut your losses and get legal advise. He needs to move out and go and vegetate elsewhere - he's setting a lousy example for your son and plainly has no intention of changing. It will be tough but you can do this, and when your not carrying him it will get better, I promise.

Singlenotsingle · 13/01/2019 12:35

Start cutting things down, saying you can't afford them. First to go is the WIFI (no more games) and anything that is his, that comes out of your salary - his phone payments? Turn the heating off during the day, his car payments can stop, his favourite foods (steaks?). Maybe start putting stuff on Ebay...

Sexnotgender · 13/01/2019 12:36

Can you change your job to work during the day?

justasking111 · 13/01/2019 12:37

Your rates would be reduced if you kicked him out. There is help out there for single parents. So as others say you could kick him out.

But if you are not ready for that take the router to work.