To be sick of DH not working?

[Withasideofbeans]

Hi all. Just wanted to see what peoples opinions were on my current situation.

Me and DH have been together for 13 years, and have 1 DC aged 7. DH lost his job 4 months ago. The way he was dismissed was shit and the company were terrible, but I can’t honestly blame them for what they did as DH had form for pulling sickies very frequently.
Since he’s lost his job he has made a half arsed attempt at looking for another job, but still hasn’t found anything. I’ve had to pick up all the overtime I can get to cover the bills, but money is still very tight (we’re around £1300 a month down still). Over Christmas I’ve been very poorly, but haven’t been able to call in sick as I can’t afford to. This in itself had annoyed me. I’ve had to sit in work for 10 hours feeling like death and potentially making others ill all because if I did call in sick I wouldn’t be able to pay my bills. Every penny is accounted for.
Meanwhile, DH spends his days on his phone, playing on computer games and napping. I’ll ask him to make sure DCs homework is done and to bath DC, only to come home and have excuse after excuse of why he hasn’t done it.
I asked him to get up with DC yesterday so I could have a lie in, and he replied “why should I have to? What are you doing?”. It seems like he still expects everything to be equal and how it was when he was working, but the reality is I’m the sole earner now and still doing 100% of the housework and making sure DC is sorted for school.
I work nights, and DH doesn’t even bother making DCs lunch for school! This means that after a 9 hour night shift I have to come home at 3am and faff around making lunch, and then get up again at 7am with DC for school. On top of this he still expects sex whenever he wants, and doesn’t understand why I don’t want to. Would you want to have sex with someone where the relationship feels like mother and son?

I feel like I’m being taken for an absolute mug. I was understanding to begin with, and told him to take his time and find a job he’d stick with and would enjoy. But now it seems like he’s gotten comfortable and expects me to run around like a twat. It feels like I’m a single parent, and I’m starting to wonder what’s the point in him being there? To be brutally honest all he is now is a glorified babysitter.

I’m sorry if this is all over the place, I’m just trying to get all of the details out there in the first post. Feeling very sorry for myself and sick of my life at the minute.

Youve just linked to a whole thread of people tling the OP to get a job.

You'll find a lot, lot more posts in favour of OP there than you will defending OP's DH here.

dont do anything for him just concentrate on you and youre daughter he is an adult quite capable of getting of his arse and doing something making you a brew or something to to eat putting bins out when he runs out of clean clothes etc show him the washer. youre working very hard for yourself and youre daughter keep it up he needs to pull his weight dont pay any of his bills just youres he soon realise he dosent like having no money

Minister
I was going to say something along the lines. But I’m not a trained professional. My dd was the same at this age partly due to me being chronically ill and her being very anxious because of it. At around 8 she stopped crying for me every time I went out, which was rare and struggled with me going into school and seeing her part way through the day. Dd is a highly sensitive person. So please don’t feel terribly guilty abut your dd being like this.

As for your dh. I think the sooner you get rid the better. For your own sakes of course but also because are modelling a terrible way to run relationships.

And what does that say about me, the fact that my own DH doesn’t have any respect for me?

It says you married someone who turned out to be an arse. You're not the first to have done it.

And it's not personal - he doesn't respect his employers (when he has them) or your DD (he does nothing for her benefit). I suspect he doesn't really respect anyone.

So if he doesn't respect you, you have to respect yourself. Don't let him treat you like this. You don't absolutely need him for childcare.You might have to change jobs and claim benefits, and it might not seem great at the start, but things will get hugely better when he's not sucking the life out of you.

What does he say when you tell him you need a lie in and explain why you can't be doing all the same stuff you were doing before with kids and around the house?

I’ve asked him this today. I’ve sent him a list of around 15 questions regarding our relationship and asked him to answer all of them. They included a lot of topics that I’ve mentioned on this thread. His reply? “I’m not answering all of that now, we’ll speak tonight”. Absolute twat. No doubt when I get home tonight he’ll try and fob me off and deflect everything.

I think the real question here is not about him or what he says tonight. It's about what you are prepared to do. The only options you really have are:

1. he stays as is and you just change how you see and react to this situation

OR

2. he stays as is and you leave him

There are no other options. You can't change him. Nobody has yet successfully changed another person by talking alone. You can either change yourself or failing that you change the situation you are in.

The main thing is not to threaten and give ultimatums if you aren't prepared to follow through with anything. I suspect option 1 isn't something you can do. Otherwise you would have done it by now. The question then is whether or not you are prepared to tell him to either get his act together or get out. You are supporting the family on your own anyway. And as far as "yes but children need their dad" chat... well they do and he doesn't have to stop being their dad. He can just stop being your husband!

Tell him straight then that he's being a lazy git and him getting it all his way stops now. Make sure you stop cooking etc for him as pp have said. In fact do what colditz said up thread.

I'm in a shitty situation and feel a bit trapped too tbh. So I feel your pain.

Have you tired a hard chat? I kicked dp out before Xmas and I really meant it. He's back now and is trying very hard to make amends and pull his weight. So this could work for you.

Childminders might be able to cover nights or an au pair if you have the room?

@joanmcc

First, there are lots of posts on that thread telling the OP to get a job.

Second, there are several crucial differences between that situation and this one - in the thread you’ve linked, the OP was still breastfeeding, and getting a job (depending on the hours she worked) could mean incurring nursery fees. Oh, and the OP was actually doing housework and childcare, not sitting on her arse refusing to contribute to family life.

In this situation they have one school age child and the OP works nights so childcare fees aren’t an issue. Meanwhile, the DH has been sacked from his job, and he’s sitting on his arse expecting the OP to do all housework and childcare.

So take your ‘double standards’ nonsense and stuff it, please.

You know you shouldn’t have been doing 100% of the housework when you were both working right??

He sounds like a grumpy teenager. You are going to wear yourself into the ground at this rate. I know you love your job but is there a way to change to a day shift/get childcare (single parents get money towards it) and, I 've never said this on here before but LTB?
I would have some sympathy if he was trying to look for a job or was depressed but nobody wants sex when they're very depressed.
Also I would worry that even if he got another job it wouldn't be long before he'd be going sick and losing it again.
Be honest with family and friends and see if anyone can offer support with childcare etc.
He actually sounds like a 16 year old boy not a dad and husband.

He’s a lazy shit and has a terrible work ethic.
Tell him this and that news flash we have to WORK for a living so start looking properly for a job and when he gets one you bloody well turn up every and do some work , millions do it every day what makes him so bloody special

Why do you think so little of yourself OP?

OP you don't need the list of questions, all you need to do it look at his pattern of behaviour, look at how many jobs he's been sacked from, you know this is never going to change, he's sat on his lazy arse forever, knowing you will pay for everything for him.

Get rid of him Lady

Speakout, it's a side effect of living with someone who doesn't respond normally. OP asks for a thing, doesn't get thing, has to live with that knowledge (that she's being ignored) and it is difficult to stop yourself coming to the conclusion that you are ignorable and unworthy.

OP, you're not unworthy of love, attention and fair treatment, you just live with a total bell end.

Do you have a spare room, OP? I`ve quickly read back but didn't see. If so, kick him out and get a lodger/house share with a reduced rent for helping with childcare overnight. If your employer can offer day hours temporarily until this is sorted, then you can go back to the job you prefer then. Or your daughter could sleep over with your mum temporarily until it is in place. ❤️

Either way, you'll be better off both mentally and financially without that lazy lump. He doesn't have respect for ANYONE, not just you. It's him, not you; you sound an amazing person.

Bin the absolute parasite

He has no respect or love for you.

I lost my job at one point through no fault of my own and had trouble finding a new one. It actually took me almost a year as I am qualified in a fairly niche area and am in a bad location for those jobs.

I felt terrible about my partner now holding the both of us up financially and wanted to prove how hard I was working to rectify the situation.

I started a side business and paid as much as i could towards the bills each month- less than half what i was paying when I had my job, but I gave every single penny i earnt towards rent and food. i couldn't just contribute zero. there are always things you can do- sell items on eBay, try to do stuff up and sell them for more, try to do freelance work, anything. its very hard but respecting your partner means you TRY.

Alongside trying to earn money, I looked for jobs every day, changed my cv when nothing was working, went to interviews, looked for jobs i didn't want and outside my field when i was having no luck, looked for jobs with over a two hour commute each way and took them all seriously, hoping i would get one.

i got up with my partner every single day while he got ready for work and made him lunch and coffee while he got ready. then when he was at work all day i worked all day at home, getting as much money as i could and trying to land a new job.i did all the chores, washing, cleaning, everything, during my time off as i saw it as my duty while i was off work (he never asked for any of this but if you care about someone you would do it naturally, right)? I didn't take one hour of tv or reading books while he worked, not in the whole time i was off. i wouldn't have just lay there in bed while he went to work to pay for us and expected him to then come home and do the household chores too.

he really appreciated how much i was trying and although it was one of the most difficult things we got through, especially as it was only in the 1st year of us living together and he didn't even earn enough to keep us both so we REALLY struggled, it made us closer in the end. now i have a well paying job and we really appreciate the difference in our lives, and we are back to 50/50 in every area.

i don't think your partner can love OR respect you to treat you like this. and i'm sorry but you are allowing him to. you need to love and respect yourself, and leave him.

No spare room unfortunately. I know that LTB is the best thing to do for everyone, it’s just such a huge upheaval and it’s scary. But I know that it would be in everyone’s best interests if we weren’t together. I’ve really got a lot to think about. Thank you all for your advice

OP imagine you and your beautiful baby in your own place, free of hassle aggro and insults. You can do this

Op people are right, I'm on mat pay and contribute all my money to the household and have sold items also to help make ends meet. Your partner could get a bar job, temp work, anything at all to help out even if it didn't make up whole shortfall it would help

Don't know how you could find a man with such little motivation and ambition attractive.

You're doing brilliantly but time to cut the deadwood .. what's the point, not going to change.

I agree that it sounds as if you may be enabling him (possibly due to your OCD). If you've said he needs to do school lunches, you need to leave him to do school lunches even if he doesn't. If he doesn't, he'll have to figure out what to do about it when he drops DD at school, or when school call him to ask where her lunch is.

Instead, he leaves it because he knows the lunch will magically appear in the fridge before the morning. And he's a selfish, lazy arse who doesn't think about the impact that has on you. You need to push that impact back onto him. He doesn't do the job, he deals with the fallout.

I would be telling him that he either gets his arse out to work, irrespective of what that work is, or his arse will be permanently exiting the front door. He would have a month to find work.
I wouldn't put up with an idle husband who showed me the same level of respect that he would show a snail.
If you put up with it then more fool you.