To be sick of DH not working?

[Withasideofbeans]

Hi all. Just wanted to see what peoples opinions were on my current situation.

Me and DH have been together for 13 years, and have 1 DC aged 7. DH lost his job 4 months ago. The way he was dismissed was shit and the company were terrible, but I can’t honestly blame them for what they did as DH had form for pulling sickies very frequently.
Since he’s lost his job he has made a half arsed attempt at looking for another job, but still hasn’t found anything. I’ve had to pick up all the overtime I can get to cover the bills, but money is still very tight (we’re around £1300 a month down still). Over Christmas I’ve been very poorly, but haven’t been able to call in sick as I can’t afford to. This in itself had annoyed me. I’ve had to sit in work for 10 hours feeling like death and potentially making others ill all because if I did call in sick I wouldn’t be able to pay my bills. Every penny is accounted for.
Meanwhile, DH spends his days on his phone, playing on computer games and napping. I’ll ask him to make sure DCs homework is done and to bath DC, only to come home and have excuse after excuse of why he hasn’t done it.
I asked him to get up with DC yesterday so I could have a lie in, and he replied “why should I have to? What are you doing?”. It seems like he still expects everything to be equal and how it was when he was working, but the reality is I’m the sole earner now and still doing 100% of the housework and making sure DC is sorted for school.
I work nights, and DH doesn’t even bother making DCs lunch for school! This means that after a 9 hour night shift I have to come home at 3am and faff around making lunch, and then get up again at 7am with DC for school. On top of this he still expects sex whenever he wants, and doesn’t understand why I don’t want to. Would you want to have sex with someone where the relationship feels like mother and son?

I feel like I’m being taken for an absolute mug. I was understanding to begin with, and told him to take his time and find a job he’d stick with and would enjoy. But now it seems like he’s gotten comfortable and expects me to run around like a twat. It feels like I’m a single parent, and I’m starting to wonder what’s the point in him being there? To be brutally honest all he is now is a glorified babysitter.

I’m sorry if this is all over the place, I’m just trying to get all of the details out there in the first post. Feeling very sorry for myself and sick of my life at the minute.

Beans that is odd at 7, being so clingy, what is she afraid of? Do you argue a lot in her presence?

I've never said this before on here ever, but LTB. It must feel like living with a lazy, entitled, sulky teen. I don't think you're OCD at all OP. Little things like your tea cups come to mean a lot when you're stretched to breaking point working your arse off, like you must be. That last part, where you said about him missing with your things - I just thought, "wow, he's a nasty bastard as well as lazy and selfish". There's nothing redeeming about him really is there. You sound lovely and deserve SO much better.

You deserve so much more than to be putting up with this OP.

Please leave for your own sanity.

messing with your things

Just to add, this is the 3rd job DH has been dismissed from relating to absence. He’s a lazy shit and has a terrible work ethic.

Honestly I think you should change your hours or your job and swap this loser for tax credits.

He is taking you for a ride.

I don't agree with the "the man has to provide for the woman and children" thing (of course I wouldn't, I am the provider in my family, providing for the man and the children!).

But it's a partnership, I provide the time and effort it takes to make the money. DH provides emotional support, childcare, household tasks, shopping, cooking, entertaining etc etc. And probably most importantly, he provides the ability to always be available to do something if I need him to in an emergency, which means that I can commit to doing a job which does not allow me to have such flexibility. If I tell him something important needs to be done, it gets done.

So it works because are each equally comitted to making the home/family work. If he was sitting around playing games and not doing what needs to be done (even for a day, unless he was seriously ill) he would be long gone...

I doubt he'd go for custody. He's far too lazy.

No we don’t argue in front of her. If I’m annoyed with him and DD is there I’ll message him. She’s probdbly heard us argue a few times overall as no ones perfect, but it isn’t a regular occurrence by any means.
The clingyness could be anxiety related/separation anxiety possibly. It’s not just when I go to work, if I go into her school for an event or something and have to leave the school before end of day without her (say 1pm or something) she’ll cry because she “loves me and doesn’t want me to go”. I can imagine that it’s the same as a single parent with a lone child. I know when I was younger I was very attached to my mum as she was a single parent and it was only me and her really.

you poor thing.

But honestly, Fuck that for a game of soliders.
Anxiety or no, he needs to get up and contribute.
This sounds goes waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay past "get a job" the whole thing very dysfunctional and is much bigger than him not working.

Also i'm sure you aren't planning on it, for the love of god do not have more children with this man and please take steps to get him to leave.
I would ask him to leave and get a female lodger and/or aupair , I would also look at turn2us.com to see what if any help you are entitled to from the government.

i can easily imagine myself developing similar "OCD" in your position, I imagine it is your way of coping with the chaos and stress of everything. You ma be surprised to find it lifts when you end the relationship.
Your daughter's behaviour doesn't sound normal and ending the relationship may help her with the clingy-ness as she sounds like she has some sort of attachment issue. not being able to go to the bathroom when she's 7 isn't quite right assuming shes NT.

I cant believe the lazy piece of shit is letting you get up at 7am when you only got to bed at 3am

For that alone he would have his marching orders. When OH first started doing nights and coming in at 6.15am after 12 hours, he did have plans to do the school run but just found it too much (and I was there anyway to do it)

I'm not even sure if it's worth you going down the street of ' leaving him a list of what you expect him to do'. He's an adult and should know what needs doing, you shouldn't have to be doing his thinking for him

Au pair

You’ll be surprised at how much ‘mental load’ you’ll loose and how much better you’ll feel once you leave the manchild.

Wow, that's unsustainable in a relationship where it was just two adults involved, let alone when you have DC to care for. Having to micromanage a partner and always having to 'ask' for things to be done around the house that any reasonable adult should carry out without having to be asked/told is so draining. It sounds like you've tried everything short of leaving, and I honestly say LTB. I hope you can get the support you need RE childcare etc to make that work.

I'd speak to work about changing your shifts. If not days, then shifts that start later that carry through the night, for instance 7pm-7am. Would your mum have her for sleepovers for 3 nights a week so you can do this? Explain the situation to her.

Then leave the lazy git!

I’m very slow to say LTB generally, because even a totally useless DH is a body in the house on case of emergencies when DC are asleep, but he is taking the piss.

I’d seriously be making things less comfortable for him. If you need to make budget cuts, get rid of WiFi and his phone contract until he can afford to pay. That should stop him wasting times on games. If he says he can’t apply for jobs without internet, send him to the local library, anyone can get online there for free. Make him a list of things that need to be done (by him!) daily e.g. making DSs packed lunch, dishwasher e,mptied/run, and weekly e.g. bedsheets washed, kitchen and bathroom cleaned etc. Explain that you need him to do these things because of your extra shifts. Be very clear what the consequences will be if he doesn’t (those consequences are up to you, but they’ll have to be something you can stick to).

He is not going to change (unless his curent attitude is the result of serious depression, which it does not sound like it is). I would not bother trying to change him.

I'd kick him out.

Shame you're married to the selfish bastard.

Don't wait too long. He'll try to pretend he's the primary caretaker and go for custody.

Skiving fucking toerag, and unhygienic to boot. Bin him.

Listen, when my DH was hurt on the job he was off work for close to 3 years due to the injury. In that time he pretty much did everything on the home front. I basically came home from work, finished up dinner (which he had started), and on the weekends I did the laundry, both tasks that oddly enough I enjoy. I also helped with homework. Other than that, he did it all. When he was able to return to work I asked him if he'd rather just be a SAHD since we were managing to get by on my earnings by then and frankly, I enjoyed not having to do housework. He said HELL NO and found a job, pronto. You are enabling your lazy git.

As far as childcare if you split, if your mum can watch DD at night I wouldn't wake DD up when I got off. I'd slip quietly into the house and sleep there (even on the sofa), then leave first thing in the morning. That would probably be less disruptive for your mum, too.

The "borderline obsessed" bit and not letting you out her sight etc is called an attachment disorder

This is a massive leap.

As a qualified mental health professional who worked with children with early trauma and attachment difficulties for many years, I couldn't claim to be able to accurately diagnose a child based on a few lines written on an internet forum and yet so many MN'ers do just that. There could be any number of reasons for OP's DD to be behaving in this way. There could be attachment issues or she could just be an anxious or highly sensitive child. She could be going through a difficult time at school. Or maybe she has sensed that her DM is unhappy and that there is some tension in the home. Maybe it's a phase that will pass with time, maybe not. But telling someone who is already under a huge amount of pressure that their child definitely has a significant mental health issue when you have no idea if this is actually the case isn't going to help.

Anyway, apologies OP, I don't want to detail the thread but MN armchair psychology is a pet peeve of mine. In your shoes I would focus my efforts on finding a job with more sociable hours and look into wraparound childcare options locally with a view to LTB. You shouldn't have to suffer in an unhappy marriage for childcare reasons but you're unlikely to be able to find affordable childcare that operates between 5pm-3am. Do you have any family locally who might be able to help with school pick ups/drop offs if you were working a day shift?

It makes me quite sad, knowing that I’m really trying my best to make sure my DD has a good life and it’s just not good enough. And what does that say about me, the fact that my own DH doesn’t have any respect for me? It’s just really shitty.

I'd change my job to days and leave him. He is a useless POS. For now, I'd stop doing FA for him, I mean, FA. And no sex. He can go and wank.

Is there any possibility of moving in with your mum? I know it's not ideal but needs must. Maybe you could rent somewhere new with her. I'm thinking for childcare at night as I think you would struggle to get any childcare without it costing a small fortune.

Best wishes.

Get rid of him, even if you give him an ultimatum and he gets a job, he'll end up being fired again. Leopards don't change their spots.