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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sick of DH not working?

159 replies

Withasideofbeans · 13/01/2019 12:21

Hi all. Just wanted to see what peoples opinions were on my current situation.

Me and DH have been together for 13 years, and have 1 DC aged 7. DH lost his job 4 months ago. The way he was dismissed was shit and the company were terrible, but I can’t honestly blame them for what they did as DH had form for pulling sickies very frequently.
Since he’s lost his job he has made a half arsed attempt at looking for another job, but still hasn’t found anything. I’ve had to pick up all the overtime I can get to cover the bills, but money is still very tight (we’re around £1300 a month down still). Over Christmas I’ve been very poorly, but haven’t been able to call in sick as I can’t afford to. This in itself had annoyed me. I’ve had to sit in work for 10 hours feeling like death and potentially making others ill all because if I did call in sick I wouldn’t be able to pay my bills. Every penny is accounted for.
Meanwhile, DH spends his days on his phone, playing on computer games and napping. I’ll ask him to make sure DCs homework is done and to bath DC, only to come home and have excuse after excuse of why he hasn’t done it.
I asked him to get up with DC yesterday so I could have a lie in, and he replied “why should I have to? What are you doing?”. It seems like he still expects everything to be equal and how it was when he was working, but the reality is I’m the sole earner now and still doing 100% of the housework and making sure DC is sorted for school.
I work nights, and DH doesn’t even bother making DCs lunch for school! This means that after a 9 hour night shift I have to come home at 3am and faff around making lunch, and then get up again at 7am with DC for school. On top of this he still expects sex whenever he wants, and doesn’t understand why I don’t want to. Would you want to have sex with someone where the relationship feels like mother and son?

I feel like I’m being taken for an absolute mug. I was understanding to begin with, and told him to take his time and find a job he’d stick with and would enjoy. But now it seems like he’s gotten comfortable and expects me to run around like a twat. It feels like I’m a single parent, and I’m starting to wonder what’s the point in him being there? To be brutally honest all he is now is a glorified babysitter.

I’m sorry if this is all over the place, I’m just trying to get all of the details out there in the first post. Feeling very sorry for myself and sick of my life at the minute.

OP posts:
DasPepe · 13/01/2019 13:06

And why is you DD sobbing when you leave? :(

That doesn’t sound like he is any good at even the childcare? Is she actually safe

Do what ever you can but I agree, afte a hard spell it sounds like both you and DD would be happier x

myhamsteratefreddiestarr · 13/01/2019 13:09

I don't think a court would see him as the primary care giver, when it has only been for 4 months....

Missingstreetlife · 13/01/2019 13:10

Bin him off, get rid. Won't he look after dc if he leaves, at least a couple of nights?
Do you need legal advice, if so get some, if not just go for it.
Meantime do as others say, stop financing him, even food. Shop just for you and dc, make his life really uncomfortable.
Au pair might work, you feed them and give pocket money.

HalloumiGus · 13/01/2019 13:11

OP he sounds dreadful. I thought maybe losing his job had dented his confidence then saw he had lost 3! Tell him to get back to work and as soon as he is then walk away. Don't wait until you have to pay maintenance for him.

Original poster
Withasideofbeans · 13/01/2019 13:12

DD is very clingy, and wants to be with me at all times. She’s not DHs biggest fan. She obviously loves him, but it’s very clear that there’s no respect there. She’ll argue with him as if he was a sibling instead of a parent. I know that this is my fault. She has seen that I’m not very loving towards DH and she’s obviously following my lead. We do not argue in front of DD, but she’s heard me telling him what to do plenty of times so knows herself that he is lazy.

OP posts:
Thisonewilldo · 13/01/2019 13:15

This will just get worse and when (or if) he does bother to get a job he will do the same thing.

You could be describing my brother and he has being doing this to my SIL on and off for 20 years. Don't let it get that bad.

Bluntness100 · 13/01/2019 13:15

Why is your child crying when you leave? This is actually a really big thing. What's going on when you're not there that is making her so distressed at the thought of you not being there.

Something is very very wrong with that.

Bluntness100 · 13/01/2019 13:17

And what do you mean he's bathing a seven year old daughter? A seven year old is perfectly capable of bathing herself.

staffiegirl · 13/01/2019 13:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Deadringer · 13/01/2019 13:19

A very rare ltb from me. He is a lazy selfish wanker and he will only get worse. You deserve so much better.

Kickykickykickkick · 13/01/2019 13:19

My first LTB.

Kick him out. He isn’t going to change. He thinks this is acceptable behaviour.

Change jobs if you have to. Be an example to your daughter.

Who knows, maybe this will be the kick up the arse he needs to sort himself out.

I wouldn’t wait. Tell him today he’s got to leave and he’s got 2 weeks to go somewhere else.

DishingOutDone · 13/01/2019 13:21

Your DD knows your husband is lazy because she can see he is lazy, its not your fault. There have been several threads like this lately and every single time someone comes on and suggests that the DH is a cunt because he's depressed and people eagerly pick up that idea, usually the OP as well.

He's not depressed, he's a lazy entitled dick. Please don't spend your life like this. Set a date, lets say end of January. He needs to sign on and then that means he can show the job centre evidence of his job search. My DH is an entitled twat too but when we were up against it I filled in a supermarket job application for him and he got an interview. Did it for 8 weeks, hated it, but we got money and he managed to get something better being spurred on by the need to leave! He was previously a senior manager so it can be done. If your family need money etc, you pull your weight, end of.

colditz · 13/01/2019 13:21

ohhh honey I lived your life.

You need to change your job. Change it to something you can get childcare for, office hours or a close approximation would be ideal. Without knowing what you do, it's difficult to know what to suggest, but don't discount going to your boss and begging them to make your hours childcare friendly because you need to leave your husband. I'd move heaven and earth for a member of staff in that situation. For now, it doesn't matter that it's lower paid.

Once you've done that, you need to WILLINGING completely take over with your daughter. YOU do the baths, the homework, the school run. Do everything.

THEN you leave him. You can apply for benefits as a lone parent that will help with childcare costs and rental costs if he won't leave and you have to find somewhere. You really only need a one bedroom place for you and your daughter, and this will help to keep costs down. You will be so much happier.

colditz · 13/01/2019 13:22

Bluntness, neither of my children were capable of bathing themselves at 7.

robininbrum · 13/01/2019 13:22

Yeah I agree with pps. What are YOU getting out of this marriage exactly? He sounds like a total cocklodger. I don't ask for a lot from a man, but if a man couldn't be fucked to work, that would defo be a deal breaker.

I come from a family with a long line of men who were hard workers, (and women who were! Including me!) I could not be with someone who actively chooses to not work. If DH turned into that now, it would be game over. And he knows it.

Obviously if he COULDN'T work because of illness or disability, or he couldn't find a job despite trying, then that is obviously different. But to actively choose to not work, whilst throwing your family into the financial mire - fuck that!

So I would give him an ultimatum - get a job or the marriage over.

Original poster
Withasideofbeans · 13/01/2019 13:23

DD has very long, thick hair and needs help washing it. She cannot do that herself yet. There’s nothing untoward going on in that sense, he may be a worthless piece of shit but he would not hurt DD in any way. I can’t honestly say that he’s a good dad, as a good dad would provide for his child etc. But he adores her and is very protective. Just clearing that up, DH isn’t doing anything dodgy. It’s genuinely just a case of DD being very clingy. She’s an only child and is borderline obsessed with me. I can’t go to the toilet without her being outside. She doesn’t like being away from me.

OP posts:
BeardedMum · 13/01/2019 13:23

This is also my first ever:LTB

Wallywobbles · 13/01/2019 13:26

Reading your posts made me feel very very stabby. Please sort it out so you can leave. Look into lodger or au pair. Cut off anything you pay for for him like phone. Just get rid of everything he costs you.

theDudesmummy · 13/01/2019 13:29

The "borderline obsessed" bit and not letting you out her sight etc is called an attachment disorder, and there will be a reason for it. Not saying that DH is doing anything "dodgy" per se but she is being damaged by the toxic atmosphere she and you are living in.

ReanimatedSGB · 13/01/2019 13:31

He's abusive, OP. He is not only happy to freeload off you and anyone else, but your last post about him messing about with your belongings as a 'joke' makes it clear what a nasty piece of work he is.

I don't have a lot of patience with the fetishizing of a 'work ethic' where people fail to understand that it's fine to refuse to be treated like shit just so you can say you're 'employed' but he is taking it to the other extreme and thinks that everyone owes him a very comfortable living.

I agree with PP, look into getting a lodger/au pair who could stay with DC at night and kick this useless man out. Get a bit of legal advice on the best way to do it and to ensure that you don't have to pay him maintenance or anything.

CatnissEverdene · 13/01/2019 13:32

The threads on here since Christmas are utterly heartbreaking. Woman after woman trapped in relationships where the OH contributes nothing mentally or emotionally let alone physically.

He's got no respect for you. At all. Who wants to share a life with a partner like that? Start putting your life into order to lose the deadwood. It will honestly be easier without him Flowers

ohfourfoxache · 13/01/2019 13:32

First things first - you need to stop doing ANYTHING for him.

Cooking
Washing
Ironing
Sex
Buying toiletries
Putting his things away (dump them in a box)

Stop completely. He has no respect for you, and instead of doing nothing for you he actually hampers you in things that you need (the cups would be the last straw).

Keep a record of everything that you do for dd vs what he does - you might need it if he goes for custody.

It might be worth getting legal advice - the citizens advice bureau can help

Justaboy · 13/01/2019 13:36

Christ! has he no bloody shame?

I'd be appaled if i couldn't provide for my woman and children its a married mans duty to do that, well at least contribute a decent whack!

Mix56 · 13/01/2019 13:39

There are a couple of options.
Tell him if he hasn't got a job by the end of the week, he is leaving
Tell him you have had enough, & are officially separating, he can sleep on the sofa
Do nothing until you have a new job
See if you can afford nanny ?

You have lost all respect for him, It's over

TheBigBangRocks · 13/01/2019 13:40

I'd look for a job during the day where you can cover using childcare then ask him to leave. I can't abide work shy people and wouldn't put up with it from a partner.

Do you want such a role model for your child? That's it ok to opt out of working and do nothing leaving the other to shoulder the whole financial burden?