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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sick of DH not working?

159 replies

Withasideofbeans · 13/01/2019 12:21

Hi all. Just wanted to see what peoples opinions were on my current situation.

Me and DH have been together for 13 years, and have 1 DC aged 7. DH lost his job 4 months ago. The way he was dismissed was shit and the company were terrible, but I can’t honestly blame them for what they did as DH had form for pulling sickies very frequently.
Since he’s lost his job he has made a half arsed attempt at looking for another job, but still hasn’t found anything. I’ve had to pick up all the overtime I can get to cover the bills, but money is still very tight (we’re around £1300 a month down still). Over Christmas I’ve been very poorly, but haven’t been able to call in sick as I can’t afford to. This in itself had annoyed me. I’ve had to sit in work for 10 hours feeling like death and potentially making others ill all because if I did call in sick I wouldn’t be able to pay my bills. Every penny is accounted for.
Meanwhile, DH spends his days on his phone, playing on computer games and napping. I’ll ask him to make sure DCs homework is done and to bath DC, only to come home and have excuse after excuse of why he hasn’t done it.
I asked him to get up with DC yesterday so I could have a lie in, and he replied “why should I have to? What are you doing?”. It seems like he still expects everything to be equal and how it was when he was working, but the reality is I’m the sole earner now and still doing 100% of the housework and making sure DC is sorted for school.
I work nights, and DH doesn’t even bother making DCs lunch for school! This means that after a 9 hour night shift I have to come home at 3am and faff around making lunch, and then get up again at 7am with DC for school. On top of this he still expects sex whenever he wants, and doesn’t understand why I don’t want to. Would you want to have sex with someone where the relationship feels like mother and son?

I feel like I’m being taken for an absolute mug. I was understanding to begin with, and told him to take his time and find a job he’d stick with and would enjoy. But now it seems like he’s gotten comfortable and expects me to run around like a twat. It feels like I’m a single parent, and I’m starting to wonder what’s the point in him being there? To be brutally honest all he is now is a glorified babysitter.

I’m sorry if this is all over the place, I’m just trying to get all of the details out there in the first post. Feeling very sorry for myself and sick of my life at the minute.

OP posts:
birdonawire1 · 13/01/2019 14:20

Tell him to get a job or leave. One less mouth for you to feed and pay for and a better nights sleep.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 13/01/2019 14:20

All it says about you With is that a lazy arse is taking advantage of you. You sound like a good person who is doing your best in the face of a pile of absolute shite.

Onecabbage · 13/01/2019 14:23

I hope your dh is doing all of the housework, laundry, childcare etc, because if he’s not making any effort to return to work, there is no reason for you to be doing that. As soon as you are both working, you can help with half of the housework. Get him working harder at home than he would be working at a ‘real’ job, and once he realises he gets no pay, no thanks and no time off, he will soon be out looking for a job with an actual income. He sounds lazy, I’d be dumping him as laziness is a dealbreaker for me.

Bluntness100 · 13/01/2019 14:28

op, you seem to think it's normal for your daughter to cry when you leave, to wait outside for you when you're in the loo, but it's not and it's quite concerning and should be addressed

Her well being here is what's paramount, and as much as no one can diagnose, this could be anything from a lack of a sense of security to anxiety, but I'm very sorry it's not right and it's not what happens in single parent families either with kids this age, or only kids.

I think maybe some help is needed here for her, and instead of you and your husband focusing on each other's issues you should be focusing on your child, as the behaviour is concerning,

IWentAwayIStayedAway · 13/01/2019 14:28

You'll be financially better off without him. Get on the calculator. Throw him out asap

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 13/01/2019 14:30

Beans it doesn't say anything about you. The only person this reflects badly on is him. Don't fall into the trap of blaming yourself for his shortcomings, you're the one holding everything together and providing for your DD.

areyoubeingserviced · 13/01/2019 14:35

This is why I have a problem with some Sahd
Even if they are not working they still expect women to do most of the household chores. This really pisses me off

Dowdydoes · 13/01/2019 14:39

He behaviour says nothing about you other than that when you are single and sorted then it’s time to think very seriously about what you will expect and accept from your next partner.

You will have a life that is better, more fun and with a proper partner it will be richer in every way.

Honestly what a wanker

Rudgie47 · 13/01/2019 14:41

He needs to go OP, you need to ask your Mum if she can help out with childcare. Could your daughter just sleep there for the time being?
You sound like your going the way of my Mum OP, my Dad didn't work for 10 years and my Mum worked nearly full time, was a carer for my Grandma, did all the shopping cooking and cleaning. All my Dad did was sat down and drank at the club.
Don't waste your life OP, take action to get rid of him.

Thatwasfast · 13/01/2019 14:41

If I was you and had a good relationship with my Mum, I'd move in with your Mum. Your DD will benefit from being looked after at night by a caring adult, and you get to end this relationship. You can then get your financial situation in order, sell the house, and start seeing some benefit from all your hard work.

It sounds like your relationship is over. Stop giving this guy a free ride

ForalltheSaints · 13/01/2019 14:43

YANBU, especially with the lack of help with your DCs.

jelliebelly · 13/01/2019 14:43

What is the point of him - you are wasting your life and showing your dd that it's ok to put up with this shit! Get rid of him and yes rearrange your and dd lives accordingly - you'll be surprised how quickly her clingy ness disappears when he's off the scene.

krustykittens · 13/01/2019 14:45

Sorry, OP, but I am another one saying leave him. He should be looking after the kids and doing all of the housework while you work. You certainly should be trying to survive on three hours sleep while he lazes about in bed getting 10 hours or more. This isn't a partnership, you are being used to facilitate his life. The fact that this is the third job that he has lost through his laziness should tell you that he is never going to change, he is going to be a lazy, useless fucker for the rest of his life, constantly dragging you down. He's not a partner in any sense of the word.

krustykittens · 13/01/2019 14:46

should not, I meant to say.

proseccoaficionado · 13/01/2019 14:50

My first ever LTB here too.

This is unacceptable, he's a fucking adult (I don't normally swear either!), and needs to own up and needs to WORK like we all do. You're not his mother, nor his maid and the DCs are his too!!!!!

He is not going to change (fired from 3 jobs?! For absence? I HATED THE GUTS of one job I had and I wouldn't even dream missing!). Sorry, OP, you sound like such a good person and you're wasting your life... time doesn't come back, unfortunately...

joanmcc · 13/01/2019 14:52

Not even attempting to hide the double standards today, www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/3477254-Dh-has-asked-me-to-find-a-job-I-don-t-want-to

AnoukSpirit · 13/01/2019 14:54

His lack of respect for you is a poor reflection of him, not of you.

He’ll agree with me and say that he’ll change and pull his finger out, but nothing changes.

This is just one example from many across your posts of classic coercive control. It is literally textbook.

Just because your DD isn't in the room when you argue does not mean she can't hear you and is not aware of what's going on. Most women think they've protected their children from it, but later discover they knew most of what was taking place.

He doesn't respect you, he wants to feel powerful and in control. He considers housework and childcare beneath him. It's not laziness or depression, it's deliberate. That's why you cannot reason with him, that's why he tries to convince you you're at fault and unreasonable, that's why he makes promises he never intends to fulfil - to get you to back off and stick around waiting for things to change. If you left he'd lose control of you and no longer feel powerful, so of course he doesn't want you to go.

I strongly suspect you will find lots of this familiar: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

areyoubeingserviced · 13/01/2019 14:55

He’s unlikely to change.
Just don’t want you to be in the same position in ten years. He’s a lazy ass.
What is the point of him?

BarbarianMum · 13/01/2019 14:55

What are you talking about Joan. Youve just linked to a whole thread of people tling the OP to get a job. And no suggestion that she doesn't look after her 4 children or do the housework.

PlumpSyrianHamster · 13/01/2019 14:56

joan the OP in that setting does all the childcare and housework. This guy does nowt.

Quartz2208 · 13/01/2019 14:57

Nothing was ever equal in this OP you always did 100% of the childcare, housework all he did was work (and that is not even covering the sex bit you use of the work expects whenever he wants I think paints a very unpleasant picture you gloss over)

All you are doing is showing your DD that women do everything and are secondary to men - because that is what you are to him

AnoukSpirit · 13/01/2019 14:57

You clearly haven't read the thread you're linking to if you think that's double standards.

Sod off with the disingenuous "poor men" bullshit.

IfOnlyIKnewThen · 13/01/2019 15:05

Joanmc that was really long thread which I haven't read nearly all of. There is a lot of difference though. Firstly that the OP in that thread had 4 children - 3 at school and 1 still a baby. She offered suggestions on how they could cut back on the equivalent on what her wage would be if she was working and I didn't see any indication that she was shirking child care and housework. Could be wrong as only skim read it but saw enough to say this was not a like for like situation hence different advice.

OP YANBU. However, only you can say whether your dd would be better off without your DH being an everyday part of her life. If the answer is yes. Then you've got your answer about whether to LTB and hopefully some of the posters on here can help with practical advice on how to make this happen if you need it. Good Luck.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 13/01/2019 15:05

Joan did you actually read the thread you just linked? Obviously not or you would have seen the OP being told repeatedly to stop making excuses and get a job!

MarshaBradyo · 13/01/2019 15:06

You poor thing he sounds so useless you must be beside yourself

Can you do the same job in the day time or is it nights only?