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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sick of DH not working?

159 replies

Withasideofbeans · 13/01/2019 12:21

Hi all. Just wanted to see what peoples opinions were on my current situation.

Me and DH have been together for 13 years, and have 1 DC aged 7. DH lost his job 4 months ago. The way he was dismissed was shit and the company were terrible, but I can’t honestly blame them for what they did as DH had form for pulling sickies very frequently.
Since he’s lost his job he has made a half arsed attempt at looking for another job, but still hasn’t found anything. I’ve had to pick up all the overtime I can get to cover the bills, but money is still very tight (we’re around £1300 a month down still). Over Christmas I’ve been very poorly, but haven’t been able to call in sick as I can’t afford to. This in itself had annoyed me. I’ve had to sit in work for 10 hours feeling like death and potentially making others ill all because if I did call in sick I wouldn’t be able to pay my bills. Every penny is accounted for.
Meanwhile, DH spends his days on his phone, playing on computer games and napping. I’ll ask him to make sure DCs homework is done and to bath DC, only to come home and have excuse after excuse of why he hasn’t done it.
I asked him to get up with DC yesterday so I could have a lie in, and he replied “why should I have to? What are you doing?”. It seems like he still expects everything to be equal and how it was when he was working, but the reality is I’m the sole earner now and still doing 100% of the housework and making sure DC is sorted for school.
I work nights, and DH doesn’t even bother making DCs lunch for school! This means that after a 9 hour night shift I have to come home at 3am and faff around making lunch, and then get up again at 7am with DC for school. On top of this he still expects sex whenever he wants, and doesn’t understand why I don’t want to. Would you want to have sex with someone where the relationship feels like mother and son?

I feel like I’m being taken for an absolute mug. I was understanding to begin with, and told him to take his time and find a job he’d stick with and would enjoy. But now it seems like he’s gotten comfortable and expects me to run around like a twat. It feels like I’m a single parent, and I’m starting to wonder what’s the point in him being there? To be brutally honest all he is now is a glorified babysitter.

I’m sorry if this is all over the place, I’m just trying to get all of the details out there in the first post. Feeling very sorry for myself and sick of my life at the minute.

OP posts:
Original poster
Withasideofbeans · 13/01/2019 12:38

I have been thinking of changing jobs so I could get childcare. I really do like my job, and it’d be a shame to have to leave. Yet another reason why I’m so angry with him. I have to rearrange my whole life because he’s a piece of shit that can’t act like a pissing adult!

OP posts:
MortyVicar · 13/01/2019 12:38

Is your 7 year old capable of being left to do his own thing, as long as 'D'H is in the house? it's not ideal but it doesn't sound like he does much parenting when he's awake either.

Then start making plans to leave. You must be absolutely drained doing all the work AND having him dragging you down. As a pp has said, this isn't the first time he's lost a job and won't be the last. If you leave, you'll still be doing all the work, but you won't be carrying the enormous - and completely justified - resentment towards him. I'm sure you'll feel a lot lighter mentally and emotionally.

He's being a true cocklodger, doing nothing, but expecting sex on tap. Stop propping him up and let him stand - or fall - on his own two feet.

Bythebeach · 13/01/2019 12:39

What do you do? Can you bide your time until you can switch to days/easier hours? He could have DC half way of your working nights if you split and your mum could have DC and you could collect early morning for getting ready and going to school?

Ifyouthinkiwillsleepyoudream · 13/01/2019 12:39

OP this is unacceptable and I would also be fuming. Have a proper discussion with him about it, all cards on the table and it things don't improve in a week then I'd be taking drastic measures.

Would it be an option for your mum to sleep at yours 3-4 nights a week to help with childcare, at least temporarily?

StowawayJo · 13/01/2019 12:40

How old is he? Are you a similar age? Sounds like he's a child and you're an adult. Genuinely right now i would speak to whoever could help you out, get your ducks in a row then kick him out. What's his worth being there? Nothing!

Queenofthestress · 13/01/2019 12:40

You need a nanny for childcare I think

cansu · 13/01/2019 12:41

If leaving him isn't currently an option I would stop doing anything for him and be clear with him that for you the relationship is now house sharing. Is there a spare room you can make your own?

BarbarianMum · 13/01/2019 12:43

He's a lazy shit and has a terrible work ethic

Yes, yes he does. So stop having kids with him and supporting him in treating you like shit. Get your ducks in a row and tell him to sling his hook.

Apileofballyhoo · 13/01/2019 12:44

Au pair?

Original poster
Withasideofbeans · 13/01/2019 12:48

I like the idea of house sharing for now until I can sort things out. That would be the easiest thing to do while I try and sort out my shit excuse of a life.
What’s irritating is if I showed him this thread, he’d still genuinely think that he’s done nothing wrong. He’d say “well that’s not true, I bathed DD last week!” And “if you wanted the lunch doing you should have told me”. I do tell him. Should I have to micromanage him his whole life? I don’t get how some “men” can live like this and think it’s ok.

OP posts:
StarrySky7 · 13/01/2019 12:48

I would put down an ultimatum: either he seriously starts looking for a job and pulling his weight in the house or he leaves.

Why live like this? He has no respect for you. It would be no different if he wasn't there, except you would be much less stressed.

ChrisjenAvasarala · 13/01/2019 12:49

Au pair. The kids would mostly be asleep so they'd really not have too much childcare to do, just dinner and make a packed lunch for the following day then be available if the youngest wakes up during the night. I'd have done that as an au pair.

I don't ever say this, but show him this thread. Show him exactly how you feel. Don't pussyfoot around it. Be blunt and direct and if he doesn't react and change in the ways you want right now then off he needs to go.

justasking111 · 13/01/2019 12:49

To those suggesting a nanny or au pair. Um.. where does the money come from for that. You are just enabling the lazy OH.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 13/01/2019 12:51

Is he on the lease/mortgage?

If not, throw him out. He will drag you down and you will end up depressed and bitter and resentful, and your work and your relationship with your DC will suffer too because you are exhausted.

Get rid of him now while you are still young enough to have the energy to do it, and your DC is your enough to accept the situation without being too upset. The longer it goes on, the harder it will be to make to split and the more it will impact on your child.

Petalflowers · 13/01/2019 12:51

Maybe he’s one of those men that does need micro-managing, at ,east initially. Ie. Write a list of what’s ctually needs doing, instead of assuming he knows what to do.

Is he depressed, and hence the lethargy?

myhamsteratefreddiestarr · 13/01/2019 12:52

Stop doing anything for him, no washing, no cooking, he can do all of his own.

Set his alarm and kick him out of bed in the morning and go back to sleep. If he won't get up, then give him an ultimatum, he either gets a job or becomes a proper SAHP and pulls his weight with the housework and DC so that you have less to do when you get home.

He will carry on with his easy life until you tell him that he can't carry on like it. You really are going to have to go on strike and make a point to him that you are serious.

ChrisjenAvasarala · 13/01/2019 12:53

@justasking111

Without him living there, she'd be a single parent and would probably get top up benefits. She could also move. He'd need to get a job when she stops supporting him so she'd get child maintenance too.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 13/01/2019 12:55

Is he depressed, and hence the lethargy?

If he was depressed he would be unlikely to want to bother with sex.

thethoughtfox · 13/01/2019 12:56

Be careful OP, if it seems like he is the primary caregiver is SAHD, he can get custody, residence and you have to pay him maintenance. If you do leave/ ask him to leave, make sure you have been the one doing school run etc ( I'm not an expert BTW, this is just from reading others' situations on here.

ChrisjenAvasarala · 13/01/2019 12:57

He's been fired multiple times due to taking in sick just for a day off. He's not depressed, he's lazy. Some people are just lazy, slovenly, selfish knobs. He is one of them.

KingBobra · 13/01/2019 12:57

Could you kick him out and maybe get a lodger with some sort of arrangement about discounted rent in exchange for childcare from 5pm-3am 4 days a week?

theDudesmummy · 13/01/2019 12:59

This actually makes me feel angry. Don't put up with it for another day, what bullshit! Playing computer games when he doesn't have a job? Not doing the childcare and housework when he is at home? F* that, get rid of him fast. PS I would say the same thing if the genders were reversed but they hardly ever are of course

bananafish · 13/01/2019 13:02

Do you think he will change? He sounds comfortable and not in the least inclined to step up and pull his weight around the house.

It's a big decision to end a relationship, of course, but what are you getting out of this one?

It sounds as though you would have it far easier without him - he's just deadweight.

If you have room and can afford it, an au-pair/mother's help would be a way that you could keep the job that you enjoy and actually have some proper help with childcare....

Original poster
Withasideofbeans · 13/01/2019 13:04

I wouldn’t say depressed. He has anxiety so is on medication for that, which I pay for. I did think it could be depression to start with as it got to a point where he wasn’t washing, he’d go in the shower once a week at best. That came to a head and I’ve now gotten him to going in the shower at least every other day, but I had to really rant and rave about that. It’s purely laziness. He knows what needs doing and he just can’t be arsed to do it. Probably because he knows muggins will do it. I’m pretty sure I’ve got OCD or something similar, and mess/clutter really bothers me to the point that I’ll start panicking and on the verge of tears. I know written down that probably sounds like I’m a drama queen, but I can’t help how I think.
I have certain rituals that I have to do, which he thinks is hilarious to mess up. Eg tea cups have to be in a certain order. He thinks it’s fine to move them. This isn’t really relevant but just another thing I’ve thought of. His mental illness clearly trumps mine.

OP posts:
Jaxhog · 13/01/2019 13:05

I'd do this: no washing, no ironing, no meals, no money and no sex until he pulls his finger out and gets a job. If he starts with the frequent absences - repeat. Right now he's contributing very little.

Give him a time limit too, or you start looking for a divorce (if you're married) or to leave. You're right, you can't live like this for another 50 years.

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