adult children and a bedroom at home

[everymummy]

I'm wondering what other people think about this.

We have two children, 9 and 21.

We move a lot although we stayed in one place for 5 years to give the older child stability through secondary/exams,. He is now 21 and about to leave university with a very good degree and excellent job prospects. He's looking for a well-paid job.

Our younger child needs to go to a specialist school and we are moving to London to make this happen.

When we tell older DS he is going to be jumping for joy. He's hoping to work in London after he graduates and so this will solve all his problems. He likes an easy life, really enjoys his home comforts, having nice food cooked for him, etc. He won't be in a hurry to be more independent.

If he lives with us we would need a 4 bed flat, because DH needs an office (we both work from home) and that's just not feasible.

It's a temporary move as little DS will be able to go back into mainstream in a couple of years and we would hope to buy a family home even before then.

I don't want adult DS to feel pushed out, and we are always there for him. But I also feel he would be able to afford to get a flat at least after banking a couple of months salary and he's never taken any responsibility for himself.

How bad is this? I haven't made any decisions or spoken to him about it yet.

Say to dc he either shares a room with younger child or pays rent

I think you absolutely must consider him poor kid. He’s had a lot to cope with. I also get why you wouldn’t ask for rent. Would it be feasible for him to share a room with your youngest or the office? If not, I think you need to get a 4 bed. I understand it could be a costly mistake but sometimes we have to make these for the stability of our children. The alternative could be to live a little further out and near a tube station as a pp suggested.

Actually everymum my eldest isn’t my OH and I have to fight very hard to ensure my OH doesn’t treat him differently despite him treating him like his own and priding himself on that fact. However he has made similar comments like you and your DH now that he is at uni, he is an adult now and he can get his own place and he better not be coming back here when he finishes uni. Where does he expect my eldest to go? So when I make comments about biological it comes from an understanding as I can assure my OH would never not have somewhere for his own DC to return home to!

Could your bedroom double as office? Or does dh work hours that wouldn't be manageable?

We have a corner desk in playroom for children to study/access computer and it doesn't take up much room but is a full size desk. Suppose it depends how much other storage dh needs for work.

Could you find a 3 bed with room for office else where in the house? Maybe a corner in the kitchen or what will be your bedroom? You just need enough room for a desk. Also, I would definitely ask 21yo to pay board if he is going to be working.

The thing that I find amusing with the posters who say make him pay rent or kick him out, he is an adult is, I know someone in rl who gives out these type of opinions all the time whether they are asked for or not.

Yet her adult children pay no keep, live at home and she cooks cleans and does all their laundry.

He doesn't need a room there. He's more than old enough to find his own place to live.

If you are working at home full time, you do not just need room for a desk. You need a place to keep some stationery and files. Very few jobs can be done totally paperless full time. And it helps to be able to organise stuff.
Also I found working from home full time, that having a separate office made a big difference. It is too easy to feel like you never leave work. But being able to close the office door at the end of the day made a massive difference to my stress levels (I did not have a separate office at first, so have done both).

Agree with PP, given the insecure start this young person has had, I would not consider turfing him out.

Sofabed in bed 3 or share with younger DC the way to go.

He doesn't need a room there. He's more than old enough to find his own place to live

So where is he magically going to find this place?

He hasn’t got a job, he is still at university. Rental properties aren’t just handed out just because you become an adult

He’s 21 years old. Time to get his own place.

Given your update, I think you need to talk to him to see if he actually wants to continue living with you. If he would, then you need to suck up the 4 bedroom cost, even if in reality he ends up getting a job elsewhere.

Many of the homeworkers I know of, have their desks located in the hallway or in sheds, the conservatory or large cupboards. A whole room seems a luxury unless funds are abundant. If client meetings are involved,this is usually organised in a suitable coffee shop.
My DD1 followed her BSc with a Masters. She is now becoming established in her field but, at 24, certainly appreciates having a space to call her own in the family home. I know that not everyone is able to provide that but, if it were a choice of a whole room for my office or a flexible work station, I would go for the latter rather than removing her option to live with me.

Sorry, is he a step child or...? adopted?

I don't understand the responses. I'd keep a bedroom for him.

AlaskanOilBaron if you read the thread you'll see that he is the OP's nephew.

21 year old, just starting out of Uni with all the student debt that implies, finding his first job may be much more difficult than you think and the salary won't be high, maybe not high enough to find a place to rent in London. They may have to take unpaid work experience or a not very good job in the area they want to work in, in future as they are starting out. He might want to take advantage of the break in study to do something completely different while he sorts out what he is doing.
In our case, we have no savings. DS is talented but wants to make his way in a short term contract industry which is often badly paid at the starting levels. We can't offer him much in the way of financial backing but we can do this. He worked through uni to support himself and we do not regard this as sponging off us, but as us supporting him because we want the best for him so that he can do what he has to do careerwise, save for the future for a few years and not be wasting his hard earned wages subsidising the mortgages of several friends whose parents bought them a house, who would like him to pay them nearly £8k a year of his take home pay.. (most offers of shares he's had from these various friends are £750 a month plus bills)
It doesn't cost us any extra to do this as far as I am concerned and I doubt he will want to do it forever, but younger sibling really appreciates him still being around.
He is very independent. Does his own cooking and has a car and comes and goes as he pleases so he's not "under our thumb" as some "friends" love to suggest. and frankly I don't care about the sniping, it works for us and for him. I hope this is giving him the chance to build his career and build a fighting fund for the future.

He doesn't have a well paid job, it's naieve to think just because he has a good degree he'll walk straight into a high flying job in the city, so many graduates end up in entry level or graduate schemes that dint post will but are good experience. Your DH could have a desk in the living space until your DS moves out or you move out of London. Also he hasn't point blank refused to contribute, he hasn't even been told about the move!

I just knew that there was going to be a very significant, opinion changing drip feed on this one.

Why do people do that, was is the point of advice which does not take into account key information?

The problem is, the OP has said that 4 bedrooms isn't feasible so needs to look at the options. 8 think she needs to be honest with him, ask him what he'd prefer- to contribute or to live elsewhere. I know he may not get on a graduate scheme immediately but that doesn't stop him getting another job while he's applying/ interviewing. That's how all the other graduates who don't have parents who can support them indefinitely manage.

OP if you are who I think you are - you have done so well!

I would talk to him and involve him in discussions about this move. And see if he has any solutions. But I would also charge him at least a "token" rent when he lives with you, even though you will give that much and more back in free use of laundry facilities, cooking etc. (And more if he is not employed)
But also if you look for properties which are 3 bedrooms and an office, you might find some which are more affordable (as an office doesn't have to be a strictly habitable room, so some basements might qualify and be pleasant). A friend also used Regis offices for a while and they weren't as expensive and I'd have expected.

He’s 21 years old. Time to get his own place

Where from and what with?

He is still at university. Or should he can the last 6 months and go and get a minimum wage job because his family have pulled the rug from under him

'Banking a few months salary'

You'll definitely need more than a few months salary saving to buy a house in London btw. And if he's renting it will be hard to save much of his salary on a grad salary.

He may hope to find a well paid job but even a 1st from Oxford doesn't guarantee that! If you are going to the trouble of moving to London for one child it's very alienating to push out the other - surely a desk in your bedroom is better than evicting your own child???

He’s better off living on his own than paying you rent .

Nowadays most people his age will not expect to buy a house for another ten years ( on average )

If you know he’s saving for his own place, this is the best way of him learning to gain independence .

everymummy what makes you sure he'll be earning 50k? Or do you mean your DH earns 50k? It sounds too much to expect a new graduate to earn but too little to pay for the 4 bed flat you say you could rent but wouldn't be a good idea for your business, whatever that means.

I think nobody can advise you because you're reluctant to provide enough information to advise usefully. Its totally fair enough not wanting to say too much, but if your situation is unusual advice will be pit shots in the dark.