adult children and a bedroom at home

[everymummy]

I'm wondering what other people think about this.

We have two children, 9 and 21.

We move a lot although we stayed in one place for 5 years to give the older child stability through secondary/exams,. He is now 21 and about to leave university with a very good degree and excellent job prospects. He's looking for a well-paid job.

Our younger child needs to go to a specialist school and we are moving to London to make this happen.

When we tell older DS he is going to be jumping for joy. He's hoping to work in London after he graduates and so this will solve all his problems. He likes an easy life, really enjoys his home comforts, having nice food cooked for him, etc. He won't be in a hurry to be more independent.

If he lives with us we would need a 4 bed flat, because DH needs an office (we both work from home) and that's just not feasible.

It's a temporary move as little DS will be able to go back into mainstream in a couple of years and we would hope to buy a family home even before then.

I don't want adult DS to feel pushed out, and we are always there for him. But I also feel he would be able to afford to get a flat at least after banking a couple of months salary and he's never taken any responsibility for himself.

How bad is this? I haven't made any decisions or spoken to him about it yet.

The 21 year old doesn't have a job in London yet. I think it's a bit unrealistic to launch him into London flat life straight from university especially if he's had a very unsettled time previously. My niece, very intelligent, very together started London working life working for one of the big 4 on a much coveted Chartered Accountants training scheme. She was about 26. No way was she earning 50k a year at that point though she earns considerably more now. Even on her earning she could only flat share at the time.

If the 21 year old has had an unsettled time he will see home as his security. I think it would be very unwise to launch him from university into London flat life and if this is aiming at his independence it could be counterproductive. He needs time to first find a job and, very importantly, to settle in it, get use to world of work, commuting ext before being thrown in the deep end.
If the job works out I would be charging him rent at home so he gets used to budgeting but if I didn't need it or dad didn't want to accept it, I would be giving it back as a deposit or fall back money when he moves out.

I would give it 6 months from the time he gets this good job. You don;t want him boomeranging back.

I haven't made any decisions or spoken to him about it yet.

Why don't we talk about it when you have?

Why wouldn’t you want them boomeranging back?! I don’t get this.

If my adult children were on their uppers they are welcome to boomerang back whenever they need to.

I don’t think you can ask him to contribute to the rent of a bigger house. That puts him and you in a very awkward position if 6 months down the line he makes some friends that he would like to flat share with. I think if you can’t afford for him to have his own room then have a bed in the office and let him know he is welcome to use but needs to be out in the day and keep it tidy.

When he gets a job, then yes - he absolutely should be contributing something in the form of 'rent'. One DC recently home from uni has a (low paid) job, but pays us rent - it's not much in the grand scheme of things, but proportionate to her pay/how much it costs to house her at home with food/bills/household expenditure. One other DC also will be home soon - also looking for a job, but will be low-ish paid (as a means to an end to qualify for a funded Ph.D.) and she will also - in fact, has already volunteered - to pay us 'rent'.

It's really important that young people do this, even if they are your children living at home. IMHO.

Sorry EMOJI I didn't make myself very clear. I mean if the op is aiming for the 21 year old to be independent she could be in too much of a rush which might make him come back when her intention is to get him independant. I think my previous post shows I feel its not a good idea to launch him in london flatland at 21.

My own attitude is the same as yours. Daughter didn't leave home until she married at 28. She is 43 now and could come back at anytime with both kids with her.

If you don’t help him , he is going to take longer to become independent , as by paying you rent , he can’t save . Most people his age can’t expect to buy a property until they are in their 30s and current trends are that most people his age still live with their parents .

Even the best graduate salaries in London won’t leave him much to save if he is renting .

Sorry to put a dampener but Oxford -Cambridge new graduates do not normally walk into amazingly well paid jobs , they have to work their way up and get experience like anyone else .

I would tell him that he is welcome to stay with you so long as he can show you that he is saving for when he needs a property of his own .

If you make him pay you rent he isn’t going to get out of being dependent on you

I’m sorry but I really cannot believe all these threads with young men (seemingly) wanting to stay at home in their 20s
I mean, I would have rather stayed in a fun young house with a load of mates in London, going down the pub, hanging out and cooking together, having friends over, the usual shit you do when you crave independence. You can do all that easily for 600p/m and you make amazing friends for life!

What happened to these young men that all they want is someone to stil cook and look after them in their 20s

I fucking despair

Travis you are seriously out of touch if you think that £600 pm gets you a great, independent life.
My ds pays £650 pcm for rent. Once you add in council tax, utilities, train fares, food etc, there's not much money for living it up with mates.
Living at home is great. You get to keep most of your wages, save a deposit and still afford a social life.

Also a lot of people in their 30's have flat shared as students and know it isn't all it's cracked up to be.

Travis - unlikely you'll get something decent for £600/month in London. And if you did, it would be far out so factor in another £300 per month for travel.

I think that what it essentially boils down to is proposing to effectively kick out one child to benefit the other.

I can't see any way in which that wouldn't be hurtful to the elder son and certainly isn't something I'd do.

Ask him.

Tell him what you've told us. Live with you and pay rent to contribute to the extra room or share a flat with your support.

@IWannaSeeHowItEnds
I said 600 for rent, which in a house share with friends is perfectly doable even in London. 3 friends in Enfield. Perfectly doable.

Let’s say You’re on a starting salary of 22k which means you take home 1550 p/m
600 on rent, 100 on bills. £100 travel £50 on student loan.

You could save £300 p/m in an isa and still have 400 for a life.

This is obviously with a decent graduate job. But the point is, unless you’re on minimum wage, then as a young unencumbered person, you can have a very fun fulfilling life.

Anyway, my main point was, that it’s more the attitude that makes me feel sad, because mainly people come on here and moan about 22 year olds still behaving like teenagers and not really growing and finding their own independence and identity

When my mum moved house while I was at uni, we sat down and had a chat about whether I wanted a bedroom. I didn't think I would come home permanently so there wasn't a bedroom for me and they were able to buy a house in the area they wanted. I would sit down and chat to your DS and give him the choice.

However, you don't do your DS any favours by not taking rent. It's a great proof to a mortgage company or estate agent that he's used to budgeting and living within his means. If your DH doesn't want to take his money, then take it and save it for him, give it back as a deposit when he does want to move out. Alternatively if you can't afford a 4-bed without your DS contributing, then you need a chat with your DH.

He's a grown man, an adult. He needs to move out and take responsibility for his life. Your priorities lie with your younger child

@Travisandthemonkey - £100 a month to commute from Enfield it's £12 a day just to get the overground to Liverpool st. Add on another £5 for the tube = £17 a day. So more like £100 a WEEK. £400 a month.

@nutellalove
Ever heard of a bike or a bus. Pretty much every young person I know does that.

At the worst it’s £220 p/m for a zone 6 travel card.
I just looked it up.

Again, my point is, it’s not really about the finances, I’m surprised at how many people want to stay at home, when they could be out in the big wide world, forging their independence

@Travisandthemonkey £220 is more than double what you stated in your original post- is my point. No one would be able to cycle from Enfield to zone 1 without setting off the night before -buses would take 2 hrs+ +one way in rush hour. your post is just lowering costs to try and prove a point.

@nutellalove
Correct.
It’s the point that it’s doable easily in London if you want to.

Or if you want to stay at home and be mummied then I guess that’s ok too.

Could you offer him a few £1000s to launch him. Say you can't afford a 4 bed house, but could give him something towards a deposit for something for him?

Could you stick a put you up bed in one of the studies so he could sleep somewhere if he's desperate for a bit. I think now is a good time to encourage him to be more independent.

He's a grown man, an adult. He needs to move out and take responsibility for his life. Your priorities lie with your younger child

How?

I am going to keep asking posters who say this sort of thing

He is 21, still at university with no job.

How is he supposed to move out and magically rent some where.

Most Landlords want the tenant to have a job and a deposit and the first month's rent.

Where is this all going to be coming from

Travis, all I know is that the start up costs when you first start work can be huge - things like deposits, rental agency fees, work clothes, food bills. My dad has to spend out on work expenses, then claim them back, making intial budgeting tricky. He doesn't have £300 pcm to put in an ISA.

House shares can be grim - the places we saw when DS was looking were utterly disgusting - I didn't even want to touch anything, let alone let my kid live there! Living with friends would be nice but he is in a new city and doesn't know anyone properly yet.

I'd love to be at home and have my mum look after me. Maybe today's kids just know which side their bread is buttered 😉

Dad = DS. Bloody autocorrect is going my head in!