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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fucking raging?

417 replies

Januarybringstheblues · 12/01/2019 19:48

I'm a single parent to dd (4). Her dad isn't on the scene so child-free time is very rare and nights out are even more rare. My dad and his wife got a sofa bed for their house for dd to sleepover when I need a babysitter. So far, this has happened once.

Today I sent my dad a message and asked him if he could have dd overnight while I have a night out for my birthday next month. His response - 'we go out every Saturday'.

They basically go to the local Wetherspoons and do the same mundane thing week in, week out. For ONE NIGHT I'm asking them to do me a favour and lool after their grandchild. One fucking night.

Aibu to be furious?

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 12/01/2019 20:33

YANBU to be pissed off they won’t be flexible. However your best bet really is to ask for another evening. Raging and not asking is cutting your nose off to spite your face. As a pp said, there is an underlying issue here. Getting this upset about a refusal to babysit is extreme.

Original poster
Januarybringstheblues · 12/01/2019 20:33

I'm not pulling the mental health card Hmm I'm simply staying that because of how I've been feeling, he and his wife made a grand gesture to help me by getting a bed for their house - it turns out that they're all talk and didn't actually want to follow through on their offer to help me.

As for needing anger management? If that's the mumsnet diagnosis then I guess it has to be right doesn't it.

OP posts:
Gre8scott · 12/01/2019 20:36

My mil life's 10mins away if my daughter stays there when we go somewhere we need to collect her on the way home she wpuld never have her over night. Some people just dont like being responsible for kids over night

OrigamiZoo · 12/01/2019 20:36

Disappointed yes, fucking raging, no.

Nicknacky · 12/01/2019 20:36

Why can’t you just go out on the Friday? Problem solved.

AWishForWingsThatWork · 12/01/2019 20:36

considering me and my brother were shipped off every single weekend to my grandparents while my parents went and got pissed every weekend, I just hoped that he would understand and remember this

I get how you're feeling. He's made a big pretend show of being there for you, but when actually asked to be there for you, he isn't.

I'd actually say something along the lines of, "You said you bought a sofa bed just so you could sometimes have darling grandchild over once in a while to spend time with child and give me a break. I remember how me and siblings used to be send to your parents/inlaws every.single.weekend so you could go out drinking with mum and have a break. Every. Single. Weekend. But I ask for a single night, my birthday, the first time I've asked for some support in months, and I get shot down because you want to go drinking. I guess that's me told where we are in your priorities. I won't be bothering you again."

Honestly. You already know he's incredible self-centred. Your upbringing told you this. This isn't new. now you have to decide if he's worth keeping in your life at all.

Bombardier25966 · 12/01/2019 20:39

What is stopping you from asking them if another night works for them? You know they have a regular plan for Saturday so their refusal shouldn't be a surprise at all.

What about one night when your child is at nursery the next day, so you can have a lie in too?

Slightlyjaded · 12/01/2019 20:39

OP I am going to slightly buck the trend here.

It's true that the expectation shouldn't be on them. It's also true that it's not unreasonable of them to say that they don't want to change their fixed plans. But that doesn't mean it's not hurtful and a bit selfish.

I never depended on my parents for childcare but I know 100 percent that they would have taken the either of my DC as a one off on my birthday. I know because they did. And for a wedding we went to and for a couple of other occasions. They did it because they loved the DC, they loved me and they remembered how hard it was have babies.

I know a lot of people will say that I am lucky and that I shouldn't have expected this. I WAS lucky, I DIDN'T expect it but i WOULD have been hurt if they didn't help out every now and then - just because we are a family and that's what you do. When they became old and ill, I didn't think twice about running myself ragged to make life as easy as I could for them . Because, Love.

YANBU

BollocksToBrexit · 12/01/2019 20:41

I'd ask him about Friday. Then you'll know for sure that they don't want to help as opposed to just being a bit rigid in their routine.

Bluntness100 · 12/01/2019 20:42

As much as I understand why you'd be disappointed they won't help, I think your reaction and name calling of him is over the top.

Yes it's hard being a single parent, but you need to take responsibility, hire a baby sitter for the evening,

And text your father back and say "no problem" be the bigger person here. You have no entitlement to him cancelling to care for your child and it's slightly odd to expect it, when he didn't do it for you as a child.

planespotting · 12/01/2019 20:42

Oh OP it must have really hard parenting solo, for sure, I have DH and we are doing it together.
We don't have family or anyone here though, so we never go out without DC or anything like that.

Probably not what you want to hear but you posted on AIBU so I guess you want honest opinions?

This If he can't do that for his daughter/granddaughter then what is the meaning of family?
Well, in all honestly, they are entitled to their lives, it was your choice to hace DD, not theirs.
And I guess if you were ill, in hospital... it would be different,but a night out? I am afraid YABU

Rubies12345 · 12/01/2019 20:42

He's always been the most selfish twat I've ever known

You've just said her father isn't on the scene at all. Isn't he more selfish than the grandfather who helps sometimes?

reindeermania · 12/01/2019 20:43

Yabvu. They may want to help- the speech and the bed may not be bulkshit. They have a longstanding commitment on a Saturday night. Obviously you don't value that and think they are petty. But it could well be that they are willing to help out 6 out of 7 nights a week, and you've asked for that one. Perhaps, they had a conversation about their commitment to you and dgc, talked about helping and what that would entail and where their boundaries would lie. Perhaps they decided that the Saturday plans they have shouldn't be hindered , but they'll always help otherwise.

You are being incredibly entitled and frankly petty by refusing to ask for another day.

serialtester · 12/01/2019 20:44

OP - regardless of whether he goes out on a fixed day every week it's your birthday and as you parent he should want to make it special. I would for my grown up kids. You are not being unreasonable and I get why you're upset.

HarleyQuinnxx · 12/01/2019 20:44

You are not being unreasonable it's one night out of a year for his daughter to do something for her birthday to take care of his granddaughter.
I'd ask why they can't alter one night. My parents have very regular routine but if I need them they help they moan a bit but they help. I hope they help I'd help you ThanksThanks

serialtester · 12/01/2019 20:45

And the OP ain't asking for regular childcare. She's a single parent who wants a night out on her birthday.

Original poster
Januarybringstheblues · 12/01/2019 20:45

I don't want to ask them for a different night. I'm not upset because they won't have her on that particular night, I'm upset due to the principle of it and so asking for the Friday or any other night is irrelevant here. I know to a lot of people this seems like a huge overreaction, but for me this is the final nail in the coffin. This father-daughter relationship is absolute bullshit and he's proven just how little me and dd mean to him now. I'm going to take a step back and I'll never, ever ask him to help me again. This is a harsh fucking realisation that I'm completely on my own here.

OP posts:
Mammylamb · 12/01/2019 20:46

I actually feel so sorry for the OP here. she is being unreasonable. But it just pisses me off that she has all the responsibility for the child while the dad fucks off and does what he likes. And she gets all the criticism for wanting one night off!

serialtester · 12/01/2019 20:46

OP - been where you are and it's shit when you have no help.

NameChangeNugget · 12/01/2019 20:48

YABU. Massive overreaction

LuluMelons · 12/01/2019 20:49

Bit unreasonable of your dad as its a one off- your birthday.

ChasedByBees · 12/01/2019 20:49

You still haven’t said what the problem with Friday is.

If they meet friends there or know a lot of the people who go on that day, Saturday could well be the social highlight of their week.

Kindly, YABU.

Leeds2 · 12/01/2019 20:49

I think you are being a bit unreasonable, but I don't blame you for being disappointed. I would be too.
Does your DF ever ask you for favours? If so, I think I know what my answer to his next request would be.

tiggerkid · 12/01/2019 20:50

Not trying to be rude but if you know they do the same mundane thing every Saturday without exception, do you really need to have your night out on a Saturday if there is a possibility they could babysit another day and there is nobody else to help?

GreenTulips · 12/01/2019 20:51

BUT I don't think you can expect them to change their long standing arrangement to suit you

He won’t change a lifetime habit!

Find a babysitter - teens are quite reliable

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