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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fucking raging?

417 replies

Januarybringstheblues · 12/01/2019 19:48

I'm a single parent to dd (4). Her dad isn't on the scene so child-free time is very rare and nights out are even more rare. My dad and his wife got a sofa bed for their house for dd to sleepover when I need a babysitter. So far, this has happened once.

Today I sent my dad a message and asked him if he could have dd overnight while I have a night out for my birthday next month. His response - 'we go out every Saturday'.

They basically go to the local Wetherspoons and do the same mundane thing week in, week out. For ONE NIGHT I'm asking them to do me a favour and lool after their grandchild. One fucking night.

Aibu to be furious?

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 12/01/2019 21:07

There are some people who have a vested interest in stoking your anger for their entertainment

There is always one op fangirl on every thread sigh. You do her no favours by encouraging her to feel her argument is justified and as such end her relationship with her father and be abusive about him.

So slagging everyone else off, either means you have totally and utterly failed to grasp people are trying to help her, or you're the one who always wants to be Bessies with the op.

JinglingHellsBells · 12/01/2019 21:08

There are some really horrible people on here tonight.

In RL as opposed to MN, how many of you would NOT be annoyed if your parent refused to babysit when it wasn't really a big deal to them, but a big deal to you?

I don't get MN at times.
It's another world.
Not the real world.

IfOnlyIKnewThen · 12/01/2019 21:08

Precisely shpoot that weekly catch up could just keep you going...the OP doesn't get to see her friends anything like regularly though and her dad has in the past shown understanding of how her mental health has suffered, apparently enough to but a sofa bed for his dgc to stay the night....just not if it interferes with something he does every week. Selfish, but he always has preferred time with his friends than time with family.

Notgotajarofglue · 12/01/2019 21:09

YANBU my family and my in laws would move heaven and earth for my kids as I do for my nieces and nephews and cousins kids. Proper shitty of them

PleaseLetMummySleep · 12/01/2019 21:09

Just go out on Friday instead?

Jaxhog · 12/01/2019 21:11

Yabu. They aren't obliged to help you out. Ask her father or pay someone to look after her.

Original poster
Januarybringstheblues · 12/01/2019 21:12

I'm checking out of this thread now. It may seem irrational and trivial to a lot of you but I'm actually really upset. This isn't helping.

OP posts:
incywincybitofa · 12/01/2019 21:12

I'm guessing there is a long backstory here.
You sound unreasonable but if all the pieces came together you'd probably come across as someone badly hurt.

Nellabella · 12/01/2019 21:12

YANBU, I think you're getting a hard time here-you're obviously angry but it sounds like you're at the end of your tether and people/ family promising help then flatly refusing has probably been the straw that broke the camels back I'm guessing.

Bombardier25966 · 12/01/2019 21:13

In RL as opposed to MN, how many of you would NOT be annoyed if your parent refused to babysit when it wasn't really a big deal to them, but a big deal to you?

There's one evening a week where my parents are always busy. I wouldn't dream of asking them to miss it for something I could do any other night.

HarleyQuinnxx · 12/01/2019 21:14

Wow the there's nasty women on here tonight this poor girl only wants a night out for her birthday and her FATHER won't take a a rain check on his very very regular plans hhmmmm I think she has every right to be raging I'm with you @Januarybringstheblues

Lovemusic33 · 12/01/2019 21:14

jax that’s a bit harsh, the father isn’t on the scene, OP is only asking for one night out. I think people are being a bit harsh, it’s not as though she’s dumping her child on them several times a week is it? I know if it was my grandchild I would want to help out.

Nicknacky · 12/01/2019 21:15

She can go out on the Friday night instead but she’s making this into a huge issue.

She isn’t 5 years old. It’s just a birthday and we all have them.

Pissedoffdotcom · 12/01/2019 21:15

My parents lived abroad. No family near by. Some of us have done the whole single parent, finding it tough thing & STILL think OP is being unreasonable. You either pay for reliable child care when you want it or you accept that other people have their own lives too & aren't at your beck & call

Welltroddenpath · 12/01/2019 21:16

About 11 years ago we asked the in laws if they could have our ds for one night, they couldn’t and we asked if they could do another night instead they couldn’t do that either but neither did they suggest an alternative night which they could fit in. We never asked them again as I got the impression any night would be unsuitable. They lived 0.25 miles from us but even when I had my next three kids they wasn’t on the list of people to ask. My mum who can’t drive got the 80 train journey or my sister drove 30 miles.
I guess it did feel sad for a long time that they didn’t want to baby sit the kids, but in the end it just turned out that they didn’t want the grandkids in their life full stop.
We generally don’t ask any family or friends to mind our kids. We pay nursery staff or my eldest is old enough now.
I think that you can’t expect anyone to babysit unfortunately. But maybe ask if they can spend time with dgc on their terms, when it fits with them. What makes me sad is that in our situation it just turned out that I was in a real pickle, I would never ask my in laws now. Because I know they wouldn’t be happy to do so and that it’s what’s best for my kids

IfOnlyIKnewThen · 12/01/2019 21:16

Fortunately BluntnessI'm not the only person that thinks OP is not being unreasonable. I advised OP to ask her DF about a Friday so I'm not in total agreement with OPs course of action.

IRL I wouldn't find it acceptable for someone to be going through a hard time to be called a brat. I'm a parent, and I've answered as I would do for my children. I think OPs father is incredibly selfish. We don't have to agree and that's fine, but trying to shame me because I agree with the OP is beyond ridiculous and a total waste of time.

Jingling has it right about some of the people on this thread, and by that I just mean the rude ones, not the ones that think YABU.

Lovemusic33 · 12/01/2019 21:16

January please ignore the haters. YANBU, I would help any family member out in this situation. It’s one night FFS, I’m sure they can change their plans for one night. Being a single mum is hard work, we all deserve a chance to have a night out from time to time.

nameuseroriginal · 12/01/2019 21:17

He's selfish. Let's not hope he needs any care in old age because he won't deserve any.

SoupDragon · 12/01/2019 21:18

immature entitled brat

if only you knew the person I actually am.

We can only go by this thread though.

showmeshoyu · 12/01/2019 21:18

she has every right to be raging
Sure, but I like to think of it another way... that level of anger only hurts oneself. The other party is often unaware at how much you're tearing yourself up inside with anger and if they do know, they usually don't really care. When I started to remove anger from my life, my outlook improved considerably. Not being too angry is a gift to yourself. Does that mean you let people walk all over you, nope. But you don't give them the power of crippling you with rage.

shpoot · 12/01/2019 21:19

@IfOnlyIKnewThen I agree it would've been nice of her dad to give up his evening but there are alternatives here. Don't think people are trying to upset the OP, just to point out that she should try for the Friday. My family have certain commitments that I'd never ask them to miss. Had she asked for a day she knew he was not busy then it would be a different story

Geminijes · 12/01/2019 21:20

It's not your Dad's fault that you're a single parent.
Your child, your responsibility.|
Why should your Dad cancel his night out to accommodate your night out?

TheBigBangRocks · 12/01/2019 21:23

Raging and calling him a rubbish father because he said no to babysitting is a huge over reaction. If my adult child took that stance I'd not be babysitting ever again,

Your child, your responsibility. If you don't want that responsibility don't have children, it's very simple.

Either ask for another night or pay a sitter. Many nursery workers offer babysitting so worth asking at your nursery unless obviously yourchild is now at school not childcare.

Amallamard · 12/01/2019 21:23

I don't think it was an unreasonable request or expectation on your part, but that fury and rage will hurt nobody but yourself. I think you need to adjust your expectations that they will help and plan accordingly. I know that's not easy, but you are doing it for you, not for them.

Try not to engage with them until you have calmed down.

AFistfulofDolores1 · 12/01/2019 21:24

OP, you're getting a hard time on here when it's clear there is a back-story.

You are being unreasonable. But your unreasonableness is expecting that he will change. Maybe you were testing him a little with this one - just to see what he would do. If you were, you have your answer.

If your relationship were a good, healthy one, I'd say you were entitled. It looks like your relationship is not that, so perhaps it's time you gathered yourself up and chose not to rely on him for anything else anymore. You're simply choosing to be hurt over and over again.

Flowers