To be fucking raging?

[Januarybringstheblues]

I'm a single parent to dd (4). Her dad isn't on the scene so child-free time is very rare and nights out are even more rare. My dad and his wife got a sofa bed for their house for dd to sleepover when I need a babysitter. So far, this has happened once.

Today I sent my dad a message and asked him if he could have dd overnight while I have a night out for my birthday next month. His response - 'we go out every Saturday'.

They basically go to the local Wetherspoons and do the same mundane thing week in, week out. For ONE NIGHT I'm asking them to do me a favour and lool after their grandchild. One fucking night.

Aibu to be furious?

Totally get what you’re saying OP. Sometimes you just want someone to put you first. They could go to bloody Wetherspoons another night!

Is there ANYBODY else you can ask? Can you invite your mates round for a party at yours when your little one’s gone to bed? I know it’s not the same but better than missing out entirely?

I hope you're feeling better about the situation.

Take some time and space and then ask him when a good time would be.

Yes he probably is a bit selfish and very thoughtless when he said no. He probably didn't realise how much it meant to you.

My dc are older now, and myself and dh are closer to your dad's and sm's ages. So I have thought about the next 10-20 years and the possibility of grandchildren and what we would do regarding babysitting etc

To be honest I wouldn't have grandchildren to stay over at all while they were young. Perhaps I would when they were 8 years + (and very well behaved/no special needs) it might sound harsh but I don't want to deal with bedtime routines or night waking etc. I know it sounds harsh but that is how I feel and I will tell my dc this (kindly and assertively) when the time comes.

I would like to spend time with my own dc, together with their dc!! This is what we did ourselves while our dc was young with their grandparents. Days out with the whole extended family, dinners and home and out. Time together as I think I would to spend as much time with my own dc, I don't want to do child-rearing again.

I know he has offered and bought a bed for her but perhaps he didn't think it through (it does seem he is thoughtless from what you've said) and maybe he is having regrets about it. We don't have the energy to do this willingly and weekends are our down time from a busy week.

If they were struggling financially plus health/mental health problems I would hope that we were in a position financially to pay for the occasional babysitter for them. Even in this situation I wouldn't be volunteering to be a babysitting grandmother. I'm sorry if that is selfish but that is how I feel and I think my feelings are valid and should be respected as a grandparent who is older and has done years of childrearing.

Pretty sure your dad could have said, Saturday not good for us OP, how about Friday though?

When I had a breakdown, my dad gave me a lift to the doctor, then turned to me and said he could only do it that once! I was so unwell I was nearly sectioned and attended a daily crisis center for over six months. Cheers dad!

I have four dc OP and was a lone parent for 6 years, during that time my dad never had them overnight once. I never asked either because I learned a long time ago there was no point.

Anyways it was no surprise really that a lot of the counselling I had to try and piece my mind back together focused on my dad and my step mum. A few things stuck in my memory, as I used to feel the same rage as you did OP, except the rage was a cover for how deeply hurt I have been by him over the years. Counsellor helped me accept that there will never be an apology, that he is what he is so I had to learn to accept him and learn how to emotionally detach from him to protect myself from further hurt.

Long story short, we have some semblance of a relationship these days. He comes to visit maybe once a month for an hour or so. Even so, I still struggle not to get upset when I read or watch something where a dad clearly dotes on his daughter. Makes you feel a bit worthless really doesn't it considering your father is the first man you love usually.

So I don't think YABU, I completely understand the anger and upset, it goes way deeper than just about one night out and if you feel you want him in your life then you may also benefit from counselling too. You can also go NC if that's what you need too.

You know what, January, you are entitled to end your relationship with your father for any reason you choose. But do it for what it is. Don't say you're doing it over babysitting. Say the truth, you're doing it because he was a shit father. That's a good enough reason for anybody. It's not about a Saturday night out. It's about feeling like he hasn't had your back for your entire life

Agree with this^

A crap parent became a crap grandparent.

My DM did the same and I remember being so shocked the first time I asked her to come and visit when I was struggling with newborn DD. She refused saying she had shopping to do

I have much less contact with her now.

On the plus side, it showed that it was her and not me IYSWIM as her only baby grandchild certainly never did anything to deserve it.

Just do it on the Friday. If it's something they always do you can't really expect them to change their plans, though I understand you feeling annoyed

*Ask him to have her on Friday night then

He might say yes and that would ruin OPs narrative.*

This, there is a simple solution to the problem. If you are so desperate for a break? What's wrong with a break on Friday?
If your dad is such an arsehole, why do you want him to babysit?
I hate my mother, she is abusive, there isn't a hope in hell she would ever babysit my kids.

They are entitled to go to the pub on a saturday,
perhaps try asking again, say you understand that they normally go out but as a special favour can they baby sit, christian the sofa bed?

From bitter experience I would say don't focus on "getting a break" focus on getting on with it

I don't think YABU at all! My parents are exactly the same, Saturday is their day and has been ever since I was born. We got dumped at our grans every weekend but they can never do us the occasional favour, beggars belief the selfishness to be honest. It's one day!

Change your night out FFS. Parents babysitting is a privilege to have, not everyone does. Don’t abuse it. And it’s not your call on ‘boring/mundane’. Each to their own.

I'm constantly amazed by the entitled comments from threads like these! You're not ENTITLED to time off as a parent, especially if it's your parents you feel you're ENTITILED to free childcare from! If you wanted time off, you shouldn't have had kids! Our children have 4 sets of grandparents due to remarriage but we rarely ask them to babysit as they're OUR KIDS! We chose to have them, it's our job to raise them. If you need a break so badly, pay for a babysitter, ask around and find out who people use, there's usually a teenager or someone doing childcare at college that's doing it at the weekends or failing that, ask your friends to come to yours and have a house party. As for the OP, your Dad was a shit parent, he'll continue to be a shit grandparent, the sooner you accept that, the calmer your life will be, you can't count on him so you're just going to have to learn that it's just you and your daughter

To be honest OP I think it is what it is.
They are loosing out on not seeing their GC but if they are set in ways equally you could compromise and go out on the Fri or pay someone.
My mum struggled to look after my son for one night when I was in labour with my DD she asked me if I was sure I was in labour when I was obviously in the midst of contractions, how long would it be for. I was in less than 24 hours we had asked if she could look after him two nights but within a couple of hours of getting home we had a phone call asking DH to pick him up. My mum babysat for my 40th at our house as she liked her sleep (even though DS was sleeping right through until 7). She wouldn’t come round until DS was in bed 7.30 and she could stay until 10.45 at the latest.
YABU - go out the Friday, ask someone else or pay someone.

FFS does no-one read anymore?? 🙄 So many sanctimonious arseholes here, clearly unable to read. I’m sorry OP you have to deal with this shit. Re-post on the relantioship board, you won’t get the nasty bashing in there.

And to you illiterate lot, OP has already said all her Friends can for once do Saturday, not Friday night, the friends she rarely sees now.

We have no family either, my DH is supportive but travels a lot and it is a hard slog at times. Luckily we can afford to pay for babysitting but they don’t stay an entire night.

We had our first night off together when DC were 6 and 9. My friend offered to have them for a night which was so kind. I know full well our DC is our responsibility but it does sting when you see friends having child free weekends every month.

I'm constantly amazed by the entitled comments from threads like these! You're not ENTITLED to time off as a parent

FFS. Families should help each other. It's about feeling loved by your parents, not being entitled. Will you be horrible like this to your children when they are grown up?

They probably will, @lazymare

I think a lot of these posters don't realise what is like growing up with dysfunctional parents and just wanting them, for once, to give you the help (and love) you so desperately need.

And to you illiterate lot, OP has already said all her Friends can for once do Saturday, not Friday night, the friends she rarely sees now. *

I can read, thank you. It doesn't matter what friends are available it's irrelevant, her chosen babysitter is not free.
She could choose another babysitter by paying someone or ask her dad to do another day.

lazymare
I will babysit my grandchildren when it is convenient for me, I wouldn't change long-standing plans that I've had with my husband as we're ENTITLED to child free time as our children will be grown.
Helping out is great, but the people who think it's somehow a grandparents DUTY to babysit are those in talking about

Understand why you’re annoyed and it is rude to just drop you like that but it’s your child and you weren’t paying them
Just get a regular baby sitter like a teen you know or something

I think you are NBU for being disappointed and angry, I have felt the same with my own hands-off parents. I felt a lot better when I accepted that I would get fuck all help from them though, resentment is nasty and can eat you up. Also I have found that some people can get really set in their routines as they get older and less likely to change plans for anyone or anything!

Presumably all those who think it’s entitled to ask family to babysit and be hurt or upset if they won’t help out at all would never ask their teenager to watch younger siblings?

I must be living in a different world , my freinds, family , work mates , all have parents that support them with either the school run or baby sitting or both , take the gc away. I wander if people commenting know what it's like not to ever have a break. Yes your right some of the posters who say it's not an entitlement, but it is part of being a family. Most of my friends gripes is that gps turn up and I have some friends grandparents who argue that the other set of grandparents are having them more.
I will go back to my original point it's ONCE a year ! Not every week or month.

I will babysit my grandchildren when it is convenient for me, I wouldn't change long-standing plans that I've had with my husband as we're ENTITLED to child free time as our children will be grown.
Helping out is great, but the people who think it's somehow a grandparents DUTY to babysit are those in talking about
Just hold that thought when you are elderly and infirm and you need help on a daily basis - just remember they have lives and they are entitled to live them, because caring for the elderly is all consuming, they can become incredibly demanding, selfish and entitled!

That is a good point above op , wander if your dad will expect you to help him out when he's older ? Would you be entitled to say well actually my dd is grown up now I have my routines now.

I think some posters are being deliberately obtuse. Op’s anger is understandable, her father is a crap dad and now crap grandad. The issue with the babysitting is obviously the straw that broke the camel’s back
If OP’s father were to fall ill or need someone to do something for him, I am sure that Op’s father would expect her to drop everything to help him.
I personally think that Op is fighting a losing battle with her father, he will not change. It’s probably time that Op made peace with this.

leaveby10
As I work in care, I wouldn't want my children to feel burdened by caring for me so your point is irrelevant to me!