To be fucking raging?

[Januarybringstheblues]

I'm a single parent to dd (4). Her dad isn't on the scene so child-free time is very rare and nights out are even more rare. My dad and his wife got a sofa bed for their house for dd to sleepover when I need a babysitter. So far, this has happened once.

Today I sent my dad a message and asked him if he could have dd overnight while I have a night out for my birthday next month. His response - 'we go out every Saturday'.

They basically go to the local Wetherspoons and do the same mundane thing week in, week out. For ONE NIGHT I'm asking them to do me a favour and lool after their grandchild. One fucking night.

Aibu to be furious?

Also stuck that is lovely. Respect to your grandad!

You didn’t explain why it had to be Saturday night in the beginning. Crucial bit of missing information. What you have said is what you should respond.
This isn’t great because I’m tired but something along the lines of:

“I’m really disappointed that I can’t go out with my friends on Saturday. I was there for you countless evenings helping your heart to mend after mums death, I even picked “Shirley” up from work when you had a cold a couple of weeks ago. Yet when I ask for one off babysitting I am refused simply because you don’t want to. This is very upsetting.”

YANBU. Everyone wittering on about being self sufficient and expecting nothing have clearly forgotten it takes a village.

It’s a one off. Out of 52 nights out if a father can’t give one up to help his daughter, and see his grandchild, he’s a selfish twat.

You know what, January, you are entitled to end your relationship with your father for any reason you choose. But do it for what it is. Don't say you're doing it over babysitting. Say the truth, you're doing it because he was a shit father. That's a good enough reason for anybody.

It's not about a Saturday night out. It's about feeling like he hasn't had your back for your entire life.

Go NC and build yourself a real support network of friends who will have your back.

I'm glad that you calmed down op. It isn't great to respond in anger but it is clear that those who are calling you unreasonable are either those who would be cheeky with this sort of take but no give or have been programmed through their own parents to find this sort of thing unreasonable.

I few years ago I may have been one of them and still struggle with getting boundaries and healthy relationships expectations right but it is clear that we are as a society facing an increasing awareness of how messed up certain behaviour has shifted and negative it is.

You are totally reasonable - it is clear that this is built on years of pain and is the final straw that broke the camels back rather than any spoilt notion your part. You can only learn from this that they are not reliable in any way and find coping methods on how to proceed.

My dad is the same and went nuclear when he found out me and my sister weren't happy as his wife, our aunt, was making our life hell. My sister is no contact with him not long after that for over 5 years now while I have my own methods, any living far away, of coping with this sort of behaviour.

For me it took him threatening my partner with a huge knife over goats cheese to realise that my sense of a healthy relationship was messed up. Just be thankful you realised it now before it got to anything like that.

It is so hard being a parent with no close support network, and I say this even with my husband being here. Those who get those precious times away don't realise just the difference it makes or just how lucky. How many of those calling you unreasonable have been "well we never ask for help on a x day as that's their day" clearly do get some nights off other times.

I would suggest talking to a mental health professional though - it sounds like you are coming out of that fog and I know from personal experience that it will be a painful journey ahead and they will be able to give you great tools to help cope with this realisation and building healthy boundaries.

There was one where I was that even had a crèche and was art based for mums. Others have been one to one and helped create a plan of action for dealing with this sort of thing.

I really hope you have a good birthday. You have in some way been given an important gift of realisation and the start of a journey that will make you a happier and healthier person in the long run.

I hope you can find some one else who might be able to help, but I know how difficult that can be.

I think your dad is a selfish twat, and I hope you can find a good babysitter for your chold.

@January* I totally hear you on being pissed off with your Dad.

Sounds like you are bereaved, you have long standing issues with your Dad, and as your username suggests, this isn't the best month to be dealing with this shit right now.

I have issues with my own Dad's drinking and I get seemingly-irrationally angry (I don't let on) about his obsessiveness with the routine around his drinking so some of the things you said about your Dad really chimed with me.

You were also talking about the fact that he really needed you when your mum died and then he abruptly didn't need you any more. It sounds like that hurt you and I totally get that.

I think the reason you've got so particularly fucked off at this recent thing about the babysitting is maybe the straw that broke the camel's back. It seems trivial to people (eg 'god just do it another night ffs') but it's really just the tip of the iceberg for you.

I reckon you should be the bigger person here - let this one slide - and concurrently have a big old think about your relationship with your Dad, and your lovely Mum because I think that's what this is really about.

Counselling? Mad heart to hearts with close friends?

Sending and from Yorkshire to wherever you are. X

By the way, I say 'seemingly' because I don't think your or my anger is irrational - I think it points at something deeper that is very real and the anger is a very rational response to that.

I'd be pissed off and disappointed too. Why do so many Mumsnet posters act like weird robot people who are so fucking correct all the time? I don't give a shit if it's their regular night out or they're entitled to time blah blah. Can't they just be nice and helpful instead of twats?

No you’re right to be peed off. It’s one night. No matter how much they love their Saturday night out it’s his daughter and grandaughter! It must feel kinda hurtful too. Try changing to Friday and see if there’s another excuse. Then you’ll know if there’s an issue. Maybe they are nervous to have the responsibility? It’s better to get it all out there! They are missing out to not be up for this. And I don’t know why someone said you’re being unreasonable. It’s perfectly reasonable to ask this and spend time with family or help family out. It’s just plain disappointing that you got that reply.

They are being totally unreasonable I think!!

They go every Saturday to the same pub with the same crowd and they can’t do without going for one week so that their daughter can go out on her birthday!

WTF TOTALLY UREASONABLE!

Not the same but when I had ds, he was a few months old and I was starting uni. Me and dp decided to put him in nursery. My mum created hell because she wanted him. So we allowed her to have him. It was hell!! She would decide some mornings ‘I can’t have him today I’m going shopping’, ‘I don’t feel well today I can’t have him’, ‘I didn’t sleep well last night I can’t have him’. We gave up after one semester and put him in nursery 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP I can understand why you’re upset, but some people do find it nigh on impossible to do anything that involves changing their routine at all. It is more common with older people but I work with someone who is 50ish like this.

You obviously and understandably need a break; why don’t you ask them when would work for them to have your DD for a sleepover?

I could have written your post myself. Apart from my Dad died who loved kids & it’s my Mum who made a big scene about buying inflatable air beds for the kids to sleep over on. She finds them too noisy (boys 7 & 5) & distruptive to her routine. I have a husband but he is hardly ever home (work) & when he is here it’s very stressful due to various reasons & issues. I’ve become tougher than I ever thought I could be. I cry quite a bit. My nights out are nights in with a friend over & a couple of bottles of wine. Sending love OP x

Whilst you are reasonable to feel upset that you can't see your friends on the night you planned, I do think yabu to expect your dad to give up his regular plans to help you out in a non-emergency.

My pil are lovely, adore the children and would drop everything to help us out. Before they started school they would have the children one night a week to help us with childcare - their offer rather than our request. The spare bedroom is kitted out for the dc rather than other occasional guests. But prior to fil's heart attack we knew to never ask them to babysit on a Saturday.

That was their one night a week out at the local pub. Yes, it was local, no they didn't meet up with other people specifically nor were they attending an event there - quiz etc. But they are very much creatures of habit and would walk to the pub, have a couple of drinks and be home by 10.

Since he was ill they don't go out to the pub but we wait for them to offer a Saturday night rather than ask. There's still the chance that they might decide to have that stroll.

I'm also saying this from the POV of being an adult child who asked her own parents to babysit for a rare night out knowing that it was my parents anniversary but that they don't celebrate it. They said no, as is their right, because they were going out. Only for them to ditch their night out to babysit my sister's kids so she could go out. That hurt a hell of a lot more than the original decline and I still harbour resentment over it.

I understand. YANBU and it’s a really shit realisation but give it a few years and you’ll start to get a bit more freedom while having your own lo as your close family

I’m a bit further down the same road. My dad is now older, health not great, extremely fixed mindset, and routine rules his entire life. He shifts responsibility for his paperwork and nhs wranglings on to me. No matter that I’ve worked a full week and have young kids, obviously I don’t have enough on my plate

If your father is zero help, zero support and doesn’t actually bring anything positive to the family table, get out now before he ages, health starts failing and you become responsible for the burden of sorting out their old age.

I think you might possibly stand a better chance of getting babysitting take up by replying ' No problem, just thought it polite to offer you first refusal, I have other offers so enjoy your night out too' - and organise someone else to come to yours and babysit.

get out now before he ages, health starts failing and you become responsible for the burden of sorting out their old age
I'm sorry that you're having to cope with that @Lemons, I hear many similar accounts which make me glad I live a few hours drive from mine
not that I can drive, oh no, I cant afford a car and anyway I'm far too nervous for the roads these days
not exactly true but I have no need for a car and I'm not getting one despite the many pointed remarks that fly down the telephone!

How about you tell him how you feel?

I've never had any help from my family. I remember one time asking my sister to babysit my Dd who was 1 to see my best friend off before she moved abroad. She said 'I don't do babies''

I wish I'd just told her how hurtful that was. Our mum has died and I have no MIL as she passed away too and my own sister wouldn't help me out for one evening

You've nothing to lose by the sound of it so just tell him the truth, even if it hurts.

I suspect some those saying YABU have not felt the joy and priviledge of extended family wanting to be involved in their grandchildren’s lives.

I agree. I spent a LOT of time with my grandmothers (my parents ran a business that was open several evenings a week), had a little bedroom at each of their homes. I had a very close relationship with them and my aunt growing up, and really don't understand the attitude of grandparents not wanting to spend time with their grandchildren.

Cannot believe the bullshitters on here saying yabu..ffs I babysat on my birthday in december for my single parent neighbour who needed a break mentally n physically 2 days after hosting my dd bday with her mates and yh I had plans but just knowing she needs a well earned break I didnt give a f... so yh your dad can babysit he just don't want to..bit like his parenting skills..so everyone on here pipe down cause it don't cost nothing helping once in a while...absolute ridiculous the replies...seriously

I agree OP, YANBU. Those who say YABU are obviously paragons of virtue. Hope you get your night out, and shame on the bloody selfish GP!

Okay - they do sound crap. I agree. But could you do a Friday instead?

Well I think she’s being unreasonable and my parents spent a lot of time with my children. Our kids used to spend weeks at my parents’ home in the summer. Our youngest once stayed there eight weeks (it’s less than 1 km from our home). I do understand her perspective, her disappointment, and her feelings. But in the end, it’s her child, not her father’s.