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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fucking raging?

417 replies

Januarybringstheblues · 12/01/2019 19:48

I'm a single parent to dd (4). Her dad isn't on the scene so child-free time is very rare and nights out are even more rare. My dad and his wife got a sofa bed for their house for dd to sleepover when I need a babysitter. So far, this has happened once.

Today I sent my dad a message and asked him if he could have dd overnight while I have a night out for my birthday next month. His response - 'we go out every Saturday'.

They basically go to the local Wetherspoons and do the same mundane thing week in, week out. For ONE NIGHT I'm asking them to do me a favour and lool after their grandchild. One fucking night.

Aibu to be furious?

OP posts:
FuzzyCustard · 13/01/2019 18:54

Would they be more likely to babysit (on any day of the week) if your DD didn't stay overnight? Some people prefer not to have to be responsible for a little one overnight.

Badtasteflump · 13/01/2019 18:58

OP don’t feel bad for your initial reaction. There was clearly a back story there for you to react that strongly and your feelings are justified imo.

I think the least you should expect from a decent parent is for them to be happy to babysit on your birthday - particularly if they’ve made a point of telling you how much they want to help. Yes they shouldn’t feel they have to but what about wanting to, just because it’s their DD & DGC, and they want to be nice?.... I despair of some people and think it’s really sad that your dad would rather sit down the pub than see his grandchild and help give his DD a nice birthday Sad. I hope when I’m a grandparent that my DC will know I will always help them if I can.

OP start asking around and try to find yourself a reliable babysitter - maybe through nursery or a teen relative of a friend so you know you can trust them?

Original poster
Januarybringstheblues · 13/01/2019 19:01

kateandme there's nothing cute about a 53 year old and a 45 year old going to Wetherspoons and getting blitzed on gin every weekend.

OP posts:
NotafanofmySIL · 13/01/2019 19:06

I think we think others are being unreasonable when they do or don’t do something that we would do for them. So I’m guessing that you would change your plans to help them out at least every once in a while. I know I would happily change my plans to help out a family member especially if it was just a trip to the local Wetherspoons (ugh). If they had tickets to the theatre or something, that would be different obviously.

So no, I don’t think YABU at all and am sorry that they won’t help you out. My parents do things like this to me occasionally (not on the children front but other things) and they seem to always feel guilty about it later on. This might well be the case here.

UhAreWeThereYet · 13/01/2019 19:08

It's not down to them to mind your child, especially change plans they have to accommodate you. They have plans, make arrangements to go out another night. You're totally being unreasonable to be furious.

Halo84 · 13/01/2019 19:08

I think you were unreasonable vis a vis the babysitting, but I don’t think it’s your father’s refusal that is the cause of your anger. It is the realization that he doesn’t prioritize you in any manner whatsoever.

You said the father of your daughter is not in the picture. Do his parents know about your daughter? If not, could you contact them and tell them about her? You could tell his mother she has a grandchild, and you’d like your child to have some sort of relationship with them, however tenuous it may be. If things go well and you develop trust in her, she could at some point provide you with limited relief.

Supermum29 · 13/01/2019 19:10

Ah OP I feel like you’re getting a bit of a hard time from some people here. I am a LP too, I can understand you’d be disappointed, sometimes the anger comes from realising that you really are doing it alone and it’s not necessarily directed at that person that you feel has let you down, it’s just built up frustration. Being a lone parent is bloody hard work!

Sometimes it takes a bit of time before you can pick yourself up and get back on track again. Try asking about a Friday night instead, failing that I’d be onto my friends and seeing if they fancied a take away and a few drinks at mine. Not the same as a night out but sometimes a glass of wine and a good chat with your friends can really pick you up.

You got this! Have a great birthday x

girlsyearapart · 13/01/2019 19:11

My ILs go out every Saturday night too and we very rarely ask them to babysit on a Saturday as we know this. They would however have their gc if it’s a special occasion for me or dh. Even though they are retired and could go out whenever they still like to go on a Saturday.
I think op Yabu to be furious or raging but yanbu to be miffed/hurt.

scarbados · 13/01/2019 19:11

And yes, Ihave just realised that she'll be wet after swimming anyway Blush

But I think the staff have every right to get off duty on time.

scarbados · 13/01/2019 19:12

Post above on wrong thread. double Blush

bearsinthestudy · 13/01/2019 19:17

I'm amazed at people saying, 'oh you can't expect them to change their plans'.

I mean, people do make sacrifices for people they love, don't they? That is what being in a loving relationship is about.

I'd do that for a friend, let alone a daughter.

sparklesq · 13/01/2019 19:21

Im really shocked by the amount of people saying you are being unreasonable.

Of course you aren't. You are entitled to a night out for your birthday and if they can't miss one night out of their regular routine for you then I'd be livid too. You are not unreasonable. Unreasonable would be expecting them to do it regularly or asking last minute or something. I really feel for you, and I hope you get to go out

Onecabbage · 13/01/2019 19:23

I’m a grandmother who loves having my grandchildren stop over, but....

  1. I’d not cancel my plans to babysit.
  2. If any of my children were raging with me for living my life, I’d never babysit again.
  3. I’ve done my years of not going out, my parents wouldn’t babysit, why do you act so entitled? Having your children was your choice, not your parents choice.
  4. Your child has a dad, ask him to look after your child, or suck it up that you can’t just do what you want.
  5. Get some anger management. Rage is not healthy.
CarolDanvers · 13/01/2019 19:29

onecabbage but it’s highly unlikely any of your children would be raging with you because you do help them out. No one helps OP, so it isn’t the same thing at all.

MamaVV · 13/01/2019 19:29

Poor you, I think YADNBU. I’D be pissed off too as you’ve been misled with the whole sofabed scenario. Family should be there to help each other out when we need help. I’m sure you’ll have to be on call in years to come to help out when your parents start aging. One night with prior notice on your Birthday is totally reasonable but the majority of people def become inflexible as they get older and changing their routine might be beyond their comprehension. My MIL does her weekly shop every Thursday, no matter what she cannot possibly rearrange it - ever!

To the posters suggesting a babysitter...it might not be that easy. Babysitters can be v expensive in some areas and often the worry about how your child is going to settle with a stranger means that it’s just not fun if you’re going to be worried all night.

If I were you I would swallow my pride and ask him for a few dates that he would be willing to do and see if you can make any of them work. Good luck! Flowers

Port1ajazz · 13/01/2019 19:31

Januarybringstheblues yes you are . How dare you expect your father to do your bidding , she's your responsibility !

Charlie97 · 13/01/2019 19:37

I always find these threads really odd, whilst I accept that OP is an adult and responsible for her daughter, what parent or friend would say no to helping in these circumstances.

It's so hard to just say no.

CJsGoldfish · 13/01/2019 19:40

Ask him to have her on Friday night then

He might say yes and that would ruin OPs narrative.

hshavshejwhg12 · 13/01/2019 19:41

I don’t think you are being unreasonable. If you asked him to babysit a lot then yes, but a very rare one night out is not a big ask. Your DD is also 4, I have a 4 year old and they are much easier than a younger child. Everyone needs a break at some point Flowers

Rachand23 · 13/01/2019 20:04

I don’t think you are being unreasonable, you asked in plenty of time and it’s a special occasion. I am with you on this. Perhaps one of your friends mums would perhaps help out.

Original poster
Januarybringstheblues · 13/01/2019 20:05

Thank you to everyone who is posting nice and supportive comments - we're clearly living on the same planet. It's not that I refuse to listen to people who have a different opinion to me, and as I said this morning - I agree that I was OTT in my reaction.

BUT it still stands that it is extremely shitty of my dad, a man who made false gestures to help me out by buying a fucking sofa bed and even sending me pics of it saying "all ready for our lodger coming to stay" - to then deny me one night of the year. I didn't ask for Saturday on purpose, but I honestly didn't see an issue with them not going to Wetherspoons for one single night of the year while an extremely rare opportunity where me and my friends all happen to be available is occurring.

Yes she is MY child. But I'm HIS child and in the past I've done an awful lot for him that didn't fit in perfectly with my plans. For example, when my mum died - I taught him how to use a fucking washing machine and how to make meals that consisted of more than beans on toast because up until her death he'd been used to being spoon fed and never having to lift a finger around the house. Of course, his new wife does all this now so I'm no longer needed.

For the first god knows how many months I stayed in with him and helped him through his grief, until one day he was miraculously over it and decided that he was trying online dating.

The week before Christmas, he was dying of a fucking common cold and he asked me to pick up his wife from work - 35 minutes away AND on a bus route. She has anxiety and doesn't like public transport so I went out of my way and disrupted mine and dd's routine to help them both out. But of course this is all forgotten now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Januarybringstheblues · 13/01/2019 20:06

Yes I swear a lot and use capitals - sign me up for anger management.

OP posts:
areyoubeingserviced · 13/01/2019 20:13

Totally understand OP
Your dad is a selfish ass

stuckbetweenlife · 13/01/2019 20:29

What absolute bs! And people complain that is isn't like the hood old days.
Family ( called that for a reason) are meant to help, I had a hospital app, couldn't change the dates, my nan wasn't well so my grandad said I will look after lo. Who is 10 months and he's 75!
He was so excited and I was so grateful and when I collected him, my grandad asked when can he have him again.
So Op you should be upset, because people offer a lot but don't actually do as much as they say.

CasanovaFrankenstein · 13/01/2019 20:33

OP I totally understand and you are not being unreasonable - can’t understand why people are being so flippant. It’s hard work and you are entitled to a night off, don’t understand why they got the sofa bed if it’s never used, maybe they had this idea that they would be more supportive. I’m sure lots of grandparents would offer to have gc on a birthday night...