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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think people who have children are bonkers

752 replies

Ichabod2000 · 12/01/2019 07:05

I read threads like these: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3228427-to-ask-what-s-an-adult-problem-that-nobody-prepared-you-for, and a common theme is the crushing relentlessness and thanklessness of parenting (motherhood in particular).

Why do it? Really? It's largely a voluntary choice, and has a tangible negative impact on your time, finances, career, relationships, and often physical and mental health. Not to mention the huge negative impact overpopulation is having on our planet.

I understand people feel overwhelming love for their children, but this is after the fact - you don't feel overwhelming love for children that don't exist yet.

And people talk about how rewarding it is - but there are lots of rewarding things you can do that don't involve propagating your genes.

I'm at an age where people ask me about my plans for children, and I just can't objectively see an advantage to it. I have a brilliant DH, an interesting job that I enjoy, and plenty of free time and moolah. Why would I make the conscious decision to risk these things I have? Why do so many make that choice?

I think it's bananas, personally, and I wonder if its just me that doesn't get it?

OP posts:
WarIsPeace · 12/01/2019 07:10

I've got children, and you are mostly right.

However I had a primal urge to have them and don't regret them for a moment even though they have effectively trashed my career and continue to ruin my sleep.

If you don't want any, that's understandable, don't have any Confused

Redgreencoverplant · 12/01/2019 07:12

I felt an overwhelming need to have a child and I would have been miserable without one. However I am sticking with one as I find that this enables me to get the joys of parenting without being overwhelmed and exhausted :)

My son brings me a level of happiness and fulfillment that nothing else could and my life is awesome. I completely understand why some people don't want children however as there are huge benefits to not doing so and it shouldn't just be expected of people.

TinTinBanana · 12/01/2019 07:12

My pregnancy was not planning. I had always thought I would not enjoy being a parent. It would be tiring and stressful. But I can honestly say I love it. My life is better. I have no negative feelings about being a parent.

BrieAndOatcakes · 12/01/2019 07:14

I had a primal urge to have them

Same here, it wasn't a "rational" decision in the usual sense.

CustardCreamLover · 12/01/2019 07:14

'I understand people feel overwhelming love for their children, but this is after the fact - you don't feel overwhelming love for children that don't exist yet.'

I actually don't agree with this. I was desperate for children and knew I already loved them even though they didn't exist. I'm currently 8 months pregnant with my first and fully expect it to be hard but at the same time I love him more than anything in the entire world and I haven't even met him yet.

If you don't understand having children, don't have children!!

Odd post really.

Gwlondon · 12/01/2019 07:16

You don’t have children?
I knew I would regret not having children more than having them. It’s very hard work!

comebacksoonsusan · 12/01/2019 07:16

Difficult to appreciate this beforehand really. Also, I didn't have friends with kids so couldn't see the impact it had had on them and I wasn't reading mumsnet about how people found children difficult. It's good you're thinking about it beforehand. I ve got three under 6, so I've fucked it for myself!

Squirrelblanket · 12/01/2019 07:16

Agreed, I feel the same as you OP. All of my friends have children and while I don't doubt that they love them, all they do is moan. Continuously.

5FullFathoms · 12/01/2019 07:17

I have children and I do get where you’re coming from. I couldn’t see the appeal myself throughout most of my 20s. And then I was suddenly hit by this huge, overwhelming urge to have a baby which submerged my common sense. Wink I adore my DCs and wouldn’t change them but yes, it is relentless (apart from when they spend the weekend with their dad and I get a lovely break).

CmdrIvanova · 12/01/2019 07:17

When I was struggling with infertility I would have given anything to feel the way you do OP, but every fibre of my being yearned for my child. The desire was so strong it was painful. I suppose that's how nature ensures we keep breeding.

I am skint and shattered but life with my children is a magnificent adventure and I wouldn't trade it for the world.

comebacksoonsusan · 12/01/2019 07:17

Not saying I don't want them, but I'm deep in the mire.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 12/01/2019 07:19

No matter how brilliant your DH is life would be less restricted in some ways if you were single, wouldn't it? You could set your own schedule more, not have to consult someone else over holidays, work decisions, where you live, etc. But you - and most people - value having a relationship over having total freedom. There are lots of other ways to have connection and love in your life without having a romantic relationship, but for most people that's not enough, they want the relationship. That's how people feel about children too - everyone knows it changes and restricts your life, but they want children more than they want the freedom of being child-free.

MynameisJune · 12/01/2019 07:20

It’s 10-18 years of hard work and in return you get to raise these amazing little people. Yes at times it’s tiring and thankless. But there are moments of such love and tenderness that a non parent will never know. Nothing quite fills you up than the way a three year old runs to you when you get home, or lays there hand on your cheek as they fall asleep.

Don’t have children if you don’t want, it’s a valid choice. But most people have more than one child for a reason. If it was really that bad they would stop at one.

swingofthings · 12/01/2019 07:21

It was mixture of an overwhelming desire to care for someone helpless, knowing that this little bundle would love me unconditionally and giving me a sense of belonging. I like the teaching side of parenting.

In the end, it's just one aspect of life. I moan a lot about my OH but my life would feel deote without him. Same with work (to a much lesser level). My kids is that feeling multiplied by 100. And setimes you have to suffer to fully appreciate when the pain is gone :)

Loopytiles · 12/01/2019 07:21

YANBU not to want DC. That’s between you and your DH.

YABU to label people who have DC as “bonkers”.

IPromiseIWontBeNaughty · 12/01/2019 07:21

Definitely a primal urge thing once I’d let dh. I knew I wanted children with him. But no it’s not easy. I think so far the teenage years have been the hardest. A friends mum said once you have children you never know a minutes peace. And if you’re not worrying about your children, you’re worrying about gcs!

BillywilliamV · 12/01/2019 07:21

Certainly remember bonking before we had the DC, does that make us bonkers?

Seriously why are we giving this person attention. The site is "Mumsnet" so lets go on and attack mums! Like going onto a golfsite to say you dont like golf.

I honestly wish OP all the joy of his/ her moolah but maybe he/she might like to consider a different website?

Xmasfairy86 · 12/01/2019 07:22

My one regret is having them! Not them personally, they are ok as kids come!
But what I’ve missed out on. Spontaneity, financial implications - we have enough money, but what we could do with the extra is ridiculous. I could have studied more, got a better job, travelled, I know all this is still possible but it costs money that is being used for family life.

Overall I miss being selfish. I miss only having to think about me!

I had kids because it seemed the next thing to do with my life with my DP. I’m not particularly maternal and never actually ‘wanted’ kids, but I’d lay down my life for my children - it’s bought a whole new meaning to life. And when I think about them not being here I realise what they actually bring to my life

GhostCurry · 12/01/2019 07:22

I think it’s a hormonal urge, or it was for me, and as said above it overrode my rational thoughts on the matter.
You’re right, OP, and if you’re lucky enough to escape the urge then carry on!
I do think that having children is also about the long game as well though. As you enter your middle and older years it’s nice to have a network of family beneath you as the older generation start to pass on.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 12/01/2019 07:23

Yes it’s a funny old thing. Difficult to explain to childless people.

For me though, I saw the difficult stages of baby and toddlerhood to be got through before getting the older children and adult children that I really wanted. They are young for such a little time really, it’s all been more than worth it.

Children give you the lowest of lows but also the highest of highs, and I’m honoured to be experiencing all this other people wont.

prettywhiteguitar · 12/01/2019 07:23

There’s nothing like hanging out with my gang, laughing and having fun. I was pretty lonely before I had children. I had lots of friends and a great life but children have given me a strong family base. That priceless

prettywhiteguitar · 12/01/2019 07:24

That’s !

moredoll · 12/01/2019 07:24

Our pregnancy wasn't planned and having our DD has impacted both our careers, mine more than DP's. But she's 2.5 now and careers are back on track. We both love her more than anything. She is a joy on a daily basis. But won't be having another for at least a couple of years.

Loveweekends10 · 12/01/2019 07:25

I too have a fantastic job, a lovely dh, plenty of free time- i just also have 2 kids - life complete. Why would I miss out on the wonder of that. I listen to my brother and his wife (who have not had kids) talk and I just feel a little sorry for them frankly. Their house feels so silent and empty. Our house is always full, there is constant teenage tomfoolery, lots of laughter from other kids that tag along with ours.

Notmorewashing · 12/01/2019 07:26

Why on earth are you posting this on a parenting forum ?!?!?!?

Maybe because they give a meaning to life more than a flashy career and holidays. Plus someone has to continue the human race !