To think people who have children are bonkers

[Ichabod2000]

I read threads like these: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3228427-to-ask-what-s-an-adult-problem-that-nobody-prepared-you-for, and a common theme is the crushing relentlessness and thanklessness of parenting (motherhood in particular).

Why do it? Really? It's largely a voluntary choice, and has a tangible negative impact on your time, finances, career, relationships, and often physical and mental health. Not to mention the huge negative impact overpopulation is having on our planet.

I understand people feel overwhelming love for their children, but this is after the fact - you don't feel overwhelming love for children that don't exist yet.

And people talk about how rewarding it is - but there are lots of rewarding things you can do that don't involve propagating your genes.

I'm at an age where people ask me about my plans for children, and I just can't objectively see an advantage to it. I have a brilliant DH, an interesting job that I enjoy, and plenty of free time and moolah. Why would I make the conscious decision to risk these things I have? Why do so many make that choice?

I think it's bananas, personally, and I wonder if its just me that doesn't get it?

The amount of moaning I heard from friends and other people about their children put me off having any...

Luckily I changed my mind and had two. I have no idea why they moaned so much! I mean it can be hard at times but the positives make it so worthwhile. Certainly in my experience there has been nothing to complain about.

**Squirrelblanket

Agreed, I feel the same as you OP. All of my friends have children and while I don't doubt that they love them, all they do is moan. Continuously.**

^My friends that don’t have children moan just as much

AIBU to think coming to parenting forum to fundamentally criticise having children is an attention-seeking exercise designed to cause offence?

I don't know... as goady as the OP is, being on a parenting board, it's never bad to question why us fleshpods do as we do as it's often not logical. That mother, approaching late 30's, three children, she desperately wants one more, despite the hardship, disruption and possible disappointment this could all bring, possibly even breaking up a working family to do so...

I read something once that said “people with children and people without feel sorry for each other”

The difference is that those with children have experienced both sides of the coin ie a life with and without children.

Loved my life pre children. Love my life post children.

Life post children is much more suited to my age ie I wouldn’t be living the life I led and loved in my twenties even if I was child free (socialising every weekend with a fab group of friends (who now all have children and moved out!), going on multiple group holidays a year etc)

I wanted to have children practically since I started menstruating - v strong urge - everyone thought I was going to be a young mum. But it took ages to meet the right man so I spent my 20's partying and traveling and generally being very irresponsible and carefree.

Finally met my now husband when I turned 30, took me a while to persuade him (even after we married!) and then a few years of infertility later I'm now pregnant with my second and will turn 40 a year today exactly!

I've been so much happier since I had my first - it's brought a sense of inner calm - despite the sleepless nights, career disruption (not too bad in my case - just this stretch taking me a bit longer but there are lots of other women in my field so it's not unusual - plan to go back to full time in a few years and get back on track).

This new stage of life has for me bought a new sense of meaning, new challenges, new excitement - but I'm someone who like things to be constantly changing. I was ready for that change and welcome it, not to say I don't miss aspects of my child free life! But it's a pay off...

My only regret is that I was really really ready in my early 30's and I think that would have been the best time. I'd love a third but my husband thinks we're too old and I've found the pregnancies really difficult. Having said that I used my early 30's for career building so not all bad.

This is very waffly but what I'm trying to say is - to each their own. I was lucky in that I knew for sure its what I wanted. I made good use of my single life before settling down and I now absolutely love family life too. I also don't moan about it to my friends!

You'll figure out what is right for you without the help of a load of strangers I'm sure. But remember, people moan about having kids because it's not really the done thing to sit around and wax lyrical about how wonderful being a parent is. But it is. It really is.

Nothing worth having comes easy.

I never anticipated how much I would laugh. Helplessly, all the time. Life is simple, meaningful and full of joy and fun.

How come so many non parents use mumsnet

I only go on AIBU and sometimes Chat. It’s funny and interesting and usually has nothing to do with parenting.

Some of the threads have given me a helpful insight into other people’s lives and some useful advice in being a better person, like what to say (or not say) to someone who has lost a pregnancy, or is going through chemotherapy, or is recently bereaved. All of life is on Mumsnet.

I think it is a leap of faith. The thing that is hard to explain is that your own child will be the most interesting and charismatic person you have ever met, even if the routine of life gets a bit dull.

Its hard. Nothing has nade me second guess myself so much before.
But, gosh, i just cant think of anything more wonderful to have happened in my life. I cant describe how i feel for my DD. She is a little shit but my heart is held in her teeny tiny hand. Id literally walk on glass for her.

I knew id love my child. But its not until i actually became a mother that i realised its more than love. Its like worship and devotion. Love is what i have for more husband. This is waaaaay beyond that.

So if, by comparing my DD to a deity, i am bonkers....then yes OP...i am definitely bonkers for having a child

OP, I can see sense in your points.

I have one DD, I always wanted kids, and I total adore her and the time I get to spend with her, and despite having what many would consider a desirable/rewarding career I would much rather be parenting DD than at work.

However, what I don't get is the need to keep having more and more. I always thought I would want 2 or 3, but dh has always been adamant he only wants one, and i am very much in agreement now.

The advantages of this is massive, particularly regarding my health (physical and mental). I was nausea my entire pregnancy (and had a grim first trimester), but after that I had a natural delivery which i recovered from the amazingly quickly, apart from some weight that still needs to go, I have had no postnatal issues, I was back out walking the dog as soon as I got home from hospital, have had amazing mental health since have DD. I also had a very easy time establishing and maintaining breastfeeding, and DD has been a delightful and easy baby almost without exception. The question is 'why would I want to gamble trying for another one, and not having that experience?' I don't see that it's worth the risk.

I have four children and I love them. They enrich my life in countless ways.

I am a generous and loving person.

If you aren't then I would agree children/ parenthood isn't for you.

I didn't have the urge to have kids. I got to my 30s believing it would suddenly kick in, but it didn't. I had my eldest for probably a very selfish reason: I thought I'd regret it in the future if I didn't. Once she arrived, I decided I didn't want her to be an only child, hence the second (and last!) DC.

I think a lot of what the OP says is true. I've spent most of my married life travelling around the world for DH's job and I could have had a bloody amazing time of it if I had been childfree. As it is, I spend most of my spare time at the park or softplay, just as I would if I'd stayed at home And I probably do moan more these days, although I put a lot of that down to sleep deprivation!

However, 90% of the time (the 10% usually occurring in the wee hours of the morning) I don't regret having kids. In fact, some of the time I even feel excited! - about the future. The first Christmas they understand about Santa. Their first day of school. What sports, hobbies etc they're going to be into. What kind of people they would turn out to be. I definitely didn't need a "purpose" in my life before kids - I already had a wonderful DH, job, family etc, and lots to look forward to - but they have given me a very special one.

I find the comments on questions like these really interesting. It appears from PP that life is like a vessel that fills with all parts of your life experiences and when that cup is full there remains no urge to add to it. For the majority this includes having children and for a minority there seems no reason to add anything more. In with this mix is life experience, hormones, family dynamics etc. I don’t have children but turn to places like MN for various other reasons. Myself and my partner both know we have no desire o be parents and are completely happy with that decision. What I struggle with is people (on both sides of the debate) thinking the other is wrong. It’s a choice and there is no doubt I am in awe of how some of our friends manage to be functioning human beings on little sleep and the enormity of being solely responsible for their little human beings. I also recognise how completely and utterly a parent loves a child but do I feel I have missed out on that? The answer is no I don’t.

Family is the most important thing in the world to me. Everything about having a family is positive. I would have been beyond devastated if I’d not been able to have children.

I feel sorry for you OP ( I don't mean that to sound mean but I do) I don't think you realise what you are giving up. It's so much bigger than the way you are weighing up the pros and cons. It's just so much bigger than that. Yes it's relentless and yes it's exhausting but there is no other experience like it. None.

Also just to add - considering the environmental impact of having children is a very valid consideration - but having more moolah?!! Money is just money - it doesn't make you happy.

It’s not having children that is the problem; it’s having them in a society that measures the value of each of us solely by work. How much do we work, how hard do we work, how much money are we making (ultimately for the people way up the chain above us). Having a baby is exhausting (especially when that baby is still waking five times a night aged four bloody years eyes youngest DS with flinty stare) but if we lived in a society which valued parenting, we would be able to rest and sleep rather than being expected to carry on as normal. Working hours in this country are ridiculous and sleep - a human need a basic as air, food, water and shelter - is dismissed and devalued. Despite the fact that lack of sleep destroys your health physically as mentally, women are expected to work as though they don’t have children at all.

Then there are the expectations of perfect parenting - no screens, no convenience food etc. It all leads to mothers feeling often that they are failing at work and failing at home.

SAHMs are regarded with contempt and often married to men who work insane hours which I can imagine can become lonely and dreary.

Parenting as a team, parenting with support and parenting with sleep is a joy that transcends anything else in the world.

Parenting without help, juggling its demands with the relentless work culture creates a toxic blend of stress, exhaustion and guilt.

The answer isn’t to not have children, it’s to value parenting and stop measuring people’s worth by their job, the hours they work, their commitment to presenteeism and to have networks of support for parents. That would make parenting rewarding and our society better to an unimaginable degree.

I find it quite boring. Children and their endless chat about suit is boring. Having to constantly do stuff for other people is boring and frustrating. I do envy people who have fun with their children cos I just can't. I've been a high school teacher for nearly 20 years and love being around teens, but my own (under 10s) just irritate me. I'd have so much more freedom without kids.

I knew from a very young age that I wanted to be a mum.
My cousin (she’s also my godmother) had a baby when I was about 6, and I remember being totally enthralled by him, and begged my mum and dad for a baby - impossible considering my dad had a vasectomy 3 years previously
Then I went through a phase as a teenager where everyone’s children irritated me to the point of fury. The voice of a small child made me want to perforate my ear drums with a screwdriver. I was adamant I would never have children because I couldn’t deal with that level of irritation on the daily.
Then I met my husband at 16 and it hit me like a truck: I was going to marry and have a family with this man. I can’t explain it at all, but all of a sudden I just knew that was what I wanted.
We had 2 DCs very close together (they are 2 & 3 now) and I’ve found out this morning that I’m expecting number 3 - a very welcome surprise!
Yes parenting is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but it’s also the most rewarding at the same time. When I’ve had a horrendous day, both DCs have been at each other’s throats, my house looks like a bomb site and I feel like I’ve not slept for a week, I go put DS to bed, he puts his hand on my face and says “Luuu yoo Mama”, it’s all forgotten. Having these tiny people that believe you are the centre of their entire universe and love you without question is the most incredible feeling that never really goes away.

Having kids is literally the point of being human beings rather than ameboas or something that just divides to reproduce. The only reason our genes give us this big brains and complex behaviours is because they make us better at reproduction.

It's tiring, but not unbearably so. It's restricting, but only if you restrict what you see as 'freedom' and 'choice'.
It's expensive, but what the hell else would you spend your money on?
It's frustrating and hard at times, but what isn't, you're really lucky if anything you do in life is rewarding and enjoyable, without ever being difficult and challenging.
Of course, coming to a forum like this is going to skew your impression; it's rare that someone would post "today's been really easy and I've loved being a parent today". People are going to post when they need support, on the hard days, during the tricky times.

I knew I wanted to have children soon after I was married but when my nephew was born it definitely accelerated the process. I loved him so much and could see how besotted my sister was, despite the struggles with sleep and so on. So I think being around babies can make you broody for sure.
This morning I've been awake since 6.30 with Peppa Pig on, not what I'd choose, but I also had my 2.5 yr old snuggled up next to me giving me kisses and to be honest there's not much in life that can actually beat that feeling. Overall I love life as a parent, it's made me much more outdoorsy, I regularly go to museums, I get to paint and play with Lego and play doh. I know you can do all that without kids but I didn't have the same incentive.

That's fine, OP. It's not a choice that suits everyone. For me, having children was like discovering the meaning of life. I've never been happier. And I already had a really good life before that with a lovely DH.

CaptainBrickbeard, I see what you're saying. I really do agree.

I agree. If you actually analysed it, no one would ever have children!

It's just biology...we're animals really who are wired to ensure the survival of the species.