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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think people who have children are bonkers

752 replies

Ichabod2000 · 12/01/2019 07:05

I read threads like these: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3228427-to-ask-what-s-an-adult-problem-that-nobody-prepared-you-for, and a common theme is the crushing relentlessness and thanklessness of parenting (motherhood in particular).

Why do it? Really? It's largely a voluntary choice, and has a tangible negative impact on your time, finances, career, relationships, and often physical and mental health. Not to mention the huge negative impact overpopulation is having on our planet.

I understand people feel overwhelming love for their children, but this is after the fact - you don't feel overwhelming love for children that don't exist yet.

And people talk about how rewarding it is - but there are lots of rewarding things you can do that don't involve propagating your genes.

I'm at an age where people ask me about my plans for children, and I just can't objectively see an advantage to it. I have a brilliant DH, an interesting job that I enjoy, and plenty of free time and moolah. Why would I make the conscious decision to risk these things I have? Why do so many make that choice?

I think it's bananas, personally, and I wonder if its just me that doesn't get it?

OP posts:
Eatmycheese · 14/01/2019 15:04

@mountainsoutofmolehills yoir comments and username are well matched.

Why do you care? Grin

Kemer2018 · 14/01/2019 15:27

OP yanbu.
I can only guess some of it is vanity....not in my case though.
I never wanted children (mh issues, aspergers etc) but got pg at 32 and couldn't bring myself to terminate.
All my reasons for not having any desire for my own kids were absolutely spot on.
It's a struggle for me, more so as her dad is present but not present iyswim.

9ofpentangles · 14/01/2019 16:21

You're probably right but this question is always based on the decision to have a small child, not a potential adult. The early years are by far the toughest.

The journey is different all the way through and everyone's situation is unique. People tend to lump all parents in the same boat but it's not the case at all. It depends on your financial situation , support network., the area you live in, your relationship with your partner, extended family, inlaws, your mental and physical health.

I've seen some just slot children into their livea and others really struggle because of the above.

I'm guessing you are in your early 30s and a great deal of your friends will be coupled up but sans kids so you have plenty of people to play with plus a partner. That all changes once your friends start breeding - they'll be too tired and skint to go out.

Of course, you'll have your partner but things can and do change as they can when you have children. Ive witnessed people get divorced and have shared parenting and become quite lonely when they don't have their children (friends are too busy with family stuff to socialise). Equally, Ive seen single people the same.

Of course, having a family is no guarantee of a great life but neither is not having one.

Also, fast forward to late adulthood, my mumi widowedand there is nothinvsheenjoys more than spending time withher children and grandchildren.

By the way, can I have a cut for your article?

Newbie1981 · 14/01/2019 16:29

Never moan about being a Mum, I love it. I also think your post screams that you want children but need an excuse to pretend you don't care.

Strokethefurrywall · 14/01/2019 16:54

And also, I joined mumsnet for the bereavement section primarily. My brother was dying and I stumbled across a thread during a google search.

Then I stumbled across AIBU and I proper shit myself laughing so I stayed. I never relied on this site to give me advice with parenting, or breastfeeding because I always went with what I wanted to do.

But as a place of support for a person grieving, or troubled or distressed, Mumsnet is invaluable.

As a parent I can take it or leave it though. Too much judgement.

stevie69 · 14/01/2019 17:02

Then I stumbled across AIBU and I proper shit myself laughing

Glad I wasn't the only one Grin

9ofpentangles · 14/01/2019 17:02

Oh, no, I think op is genuine. She reminds me of myself in my late 20s, early 30s, where peer pressure to reproduce is immense. Like the op, I didn't feel the biological clock ticking. For me, it was a logical decision. Did I see myself as a parent 20 years hence or no?

The answer was positive but, for a long time, I secretly regretted it - probably a combo of pnd and not being readiness and other shitty circumstances which are a whole other thread

Mine are 10 and 14 and am gradually getting my freedom back and am grateful for smaller things now. I do like my personal space a bit too much sometimes so am with you in that respect.

And they are funny and inspiring sometimes with their young and fresh outlook and a breath of fresh air with ailing parents.

My mum once said to me, 'once you have children, you become awareof the cycle of life.'

thirdhair · 14/01/2019 17:11

@Newbie1981 I got that vibe too

stevie69 · 14/01/2019 17:14

I also think your post screams that you want children but need an excuse to pretend you don't care.

Why would the OP need an excuse to pretend that she doesn't care? I think she wanted to canvass opinion and she's done so: it's a lively thread Smile

thirdhair · 14/01/2019 17:15

@stevie69 Are you the OP?

stevie69 · 14/01/2019 17:17

@stevie69 Are you the OP?

No. If you check back, you can see I'm not.

stevie69 · 14/01/2019 17:18

I'm 51 and single. So ..... nothing like the OP Blush

puppymouse · 14/01/2019 18:22

Everything you say is correct. I find being a parent shatters me. And I only have one NT, well-behaved one. It doesn't come naturally to me.

But I know a love that is bigger than the entire universe when she strokes me cheeks and cuddles me at bedtime. On balance I am glad I am putting myself out to experience that feeling, rather than 'play it safe' to avoid those stresses and strains.

Same with my animals.

Thatwasfast · 14/01/2019 19:47

Why would the OP need an excuse to pretend that she doesn't care?

Maybe she's in a relationship with someone who absolutely doesn't want kids, and she doesn't want to end the relationship, so to cope with the cognitive dissonance she needs having children to be terrible?

I went through a period of detesting and belittling doctors.... until I realised I was desperate to be one but thought I'd never get in and couldn't afford it. I applied, got in, and was poor for a long timer Grin

You only get one life. Make sure the choices you are making are what you absolutley want, and never, ever drift

MumsTheWord92 · 14/01/2019 21:09

Tell me again why you went to the effort to write a post about not wanting kids on a site that is for those with kids 🤷‍♀️

Humboles · 14/01/2019 21:26

To those wondering why someone who has no kids would post here, that is exactly why! Am I odd, they wonder, and should I be feeling broody? And several replies are from other childless folk, I notice. If you wondered if you should buy a Mercedes, you'd probably lurk on a Mercedes forum to see what existing owners thought of them, or whether they regretted getting one. It's a similar thing.

bluebellsparklypants · 14/01/2019 23:08

Because all on your list really didn’t matter once I had my DS (conceived by accident)

If you want them go for it if not that’s fine too enjoy your life (it’s just unfortunate there’s a time cut off for these things)

Dungeondragon15 · 15/01/2019 09:04

To those wondering why someone who has no kids would post here, that is exactly why!

Posting on this forum really isn't going to give you a good idea though. Although this thread might perhaps be helpful as people are discussing pros and cons, generally people tend to post with problems so your impression would be very biased.
Perhaps that is why OP thinks having children is "bonkers".

Eatmycheese · 15/01/2019 10:00

I see that the OP fled a long time ago.
OP are you out there? Do you still think the parents amongst us are as mad as a box of frogs, or have we convinced you to go off and have a baby? WinkGrin

9ofpentangles · 15/01/2019 11:50

She is probably busy writing her article

Eatmycheese · 15/01/2019 11:51

@9ofpentangles well let's face it she clearly needed some good material Grin

Instamom · 15/01/2019 11:56

Unfortunately people don't often realise the truth before they have their own children. You can't give them back!

Overall though I think there are enough positive parts of parenting that compensate for the difficult parts.

So swings and roundabouts!

RosemarysBabyDress · 15/01/2019 12:02

Say and think what you want against religion, but you can't deny that the pre-wedding "meetings" or discussions were and still are a very good thing. Trying to make people think seriously about committing to their husband and wife, and thinking about their life with children.

You can't see the future, you can't guess what will happen, but SOME parents really go blind and complain when the outcome was easily predictable.

It doesn't have to be linked to religion, but I am not sure there are such talk out of a church?

mellicauli · 15/01/2019 12:02

I don't think it's a rational choice. Most of us are hard wired to want children and we don't have much more control over it than our need for food, sex and warmth. As you say, logically there's no sense to it.

CandidCat · 15/01/2019 12:43

@Rosemarysbabydress I was a catholic and had all the pre-wedding talks. The main content was forgiveness, the importance of bringing any children up catholic, along with the usual nonsense about only using the rhythm method. At no point were sleepless nights, teething, endless drudgery and division of chores brought up, or much of real world relevance really.

Antenatal classes on the other hand told me how my hip bones would be permanently altered and all the things which would be happening to my body. Too late to change my mind then, though!

I think antenatal and childcare as compulsory classes for teens might help prepare people better. I was young and naive with no experience of young children and reality was a hell of a shock.