To think people who have children are bonkers

[Ichabod2000]

I read threads like these: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3228427-to-ask-what-s-an-adult-problem-that-nobody-prepared-you-for, and a common theme is the crushing relentlessness and thanklessness of parenting (motherhood in particular).

Why do it? Really? It's largely a voluntary choice, and has a tangible negative impact on your time, finances, career, relationships, and often physical and mental health. Not to mention the huge negative impact overpopulation is having on our planet.

I understand people feel overwhelming love for their children, but this is after the fact - you don't feel overwhelming love for children that don't exist yet.

And people talk about how rewarding it is - but there are lots of rewarding things you can do that don't involve propagating your genes.

I'm at an age where people ask me about my plans for children, and I just can't objectively see an advantage to it. I have a brilliant DH, an interesting job that I enjoy, and plenty of free time and moolah. Why would I make the conscious decision to risk these things I have? Why do so many make that choice?

I think it's bananas, personally, and I wonder if its just me that doesn't get it?

Oh and we should be grateful for your contribution! You’ll pay a hell of a lot more tax than you would have otherwise and will use far fewer public services 😉

Wow, aren’t you cool and edgy!

Will you be visiting football forums next to enlighten football fans on how much molar they’re wasting on something you wouldn’t enjoy?

Maybe you could post on a forum about Canada and tell them that their country is shit?

has a tangible negative impact on your time, finances, career, relationships

No it doesn't

you don't feel overwhelming love for children that don't exist yet

Yep, kinda did

Think that about covers it, my troll feeding work is now done for the day

I don't think raising children is as hard as some people make it out to be. If you feel ready and 'made' for it then you just take it in your stride and get on with it. I always felt destined to be a mother so i cope with it well (according to others who are amazed by how I manage? I don't see how it's soooo hard though)

I fully agree with you. I think people who have children are absolutely bonkers. As say this as a parent! I’ve not slept properly since forever and mostly they just cost a vast amount of money and time that I’ll never get back. But I also quite like them. Nuts? Yes. Would I change it? Absolutely not! In fact for some reason I thought it would be a good idea to have another....!

It's difficult to explain. It certainly wasn't something I thought about rationally. As others have said, it was more of an urge than a carefully thought out decision, I suspect if I had considered the ramifications I may have made a different decision. I wanted to bring them up myself so became a SAHM, therefore my potential career went down the pan, they cost a bloody fortune, I didn't find being at home with them particularly interesting either! I certainly don't regret having them, they gave my life a sense of purpose and fulfilment, but I wish I hadn't been such a martyr about it. I wish I had tried to build my career a bit first, and carried on working so I could pick it up when they were older. Saying that, we made the decision that we felt was the right one at the time (DH was doing well at work and had more earning power so it made sense at the time for me to stay home). The benefit of hindsight and all that!

I don't regret it. Never have, and whilst I do t k ow what the future will hold for our relationship- it's worth it. To love unconditionally, and be loved unconditionally (at the moment at least)! Is something I would never change. It's never been a didfulty, but has been a challenge at times, and will no doubt continue to be so. But I would give up everything to ensure that I have her still.

From what people are saying, the decision seems quite driven by a primal urge. I don't have this urge, so I guess I've turned to assessing the evidence - and people are saying this isn't really where to look for guidance.

Perhaps that is enough explanation and reason then, some have the urge and some don't. I feel better - thanks all!

You’re thinking logically - for me it was beyond logic, primal urge or whatever you want to call it I just had to have children!

You’re right of course, it can be bloody awful having children but for me that was the whole point of life - to give birth to the next generation. I appreciate not everyone will agree and tons of people lead fulfilling lives without children but I wouldn’t have felt fulfilled without them. I got to the stage in my late twenties when I had all the things you mention - relationship/job/hobbies and was like “is this it?” “There must be more to life” so I had babies so basically I had them because I was bored now I’ve no time to be bored - problem solved! Also I’m someone who wants to experience everything life has to offer and it would have been unbearable to not experience the last big “mystery” on offer.

It’s given a whole other dimension to my life and it’s been a time of huge growth for me in ways I wasn’t expecting and this wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t had them.

My first pregnancy was unplanned. I was devastated, despite having been married for years. My husband was even more devastated. I spent my pregnancy worried that our marriage was going to end as a result. But when our baby was born, everything turned around in a split second and the love was overwhelming. Even the boring, tiring drudgery bits of parenthood seemed worth it. We had a second because we didn't want an only child. That was much harder, and in all honesty if our second child had been our first we would have stopped at one.

There are pros and cons. I feel sad that I didn't have the career that I hoped for. But I feel happy that we seem to be raising two decent members of society.

I don't regret having children, but I don't think that a life without children is an empty life either.

It sort of is a bit bonkers if you think about it logically.

It's not logic that drives here though as pp have said.

I think I did it because I was a bit bored - good job, good holidays and spare money just wasn't enough to make life interesting for me. It felt a bit like a never ending grind for the rest of my life and I wanted to break it up a bit. And i was the last one out of my group of close friends (women friends anyway) so I felt a bit like I'd be left behind/out if I stayed childless which would have happened I think. Both ridiculous reasons really but it worked out ok.

currently heavily pregnant and I have no idea why I thought it was a good idea to have second! Mainly to make use of the good benefits at work and shared parental leave on full pay for both of us I think!

I read a quote once, possibly Greer, saying that having children is the most destructive thing a woman can do to her life and yet we welcome it, if not run towards it, with open arms.

I read that before having dc and I have 3 now. I couldn't agree with it more. I had a lovely life before having dc, that life is destroyed and gone.

But the new life i have is better. it's much harder but it's definitely better. I am happier now with my crazy busy family than I was before.

Sometimes I wonder if it would have been better not to have them but I know my life would have been locked in the misery of wanting them and not having them so it was defintiely the right decision for me.

I would counsel women who don't want them in the first place to steer well away!!

Because parenting well is the most rewarding thing I've ever done.
Because my DC are amazing
Because I can look at my DH and say " look at what we have grown, nurtured and guided" together
Because hanging out drinking coffee with other mothers at toddler group rocks
Because maternity leave is ace
Because they make me a kinder, more understanding and more empathetic person
I enjoy being pregnant
I love the happy hormones of breast feeding.
I'll think of some more in a bit
It

There have been some really thoughtful replies, like from @Longtalljosie and @Pernickity1, which have been helpful, thank you.

I'm not sure I agree with the long game argument - children grow up and have their own lives that take them many miles away, etc. I don't think anyone can rely on that future family network if you have children - so I've never really understood it as an argument

But because people don't tend to post "my kid is the most wonderful thing ever and lights up my life" - no one wants to read those threads!

I had a child because I knew I wanted family, I wanted to be a mother, I wanted that at every stage.

I made the right decision- life is busier but that's partly because I choose to always be with him when I can (so our laundry pile is huge but that's because DH, DS and I are dancing in the living room instead)

I have never laughed so much in my life. DS is brilliant fun. I'm a big fan of me and DH too so was pretty confident our offspring would be ace.

Its fun, I knew it would be. That's why I chose it.

I'm not at all maternal but recently got pregnant. The sense of protectiveness I felt was overwhelming and I wanted the baby so much more than I ever thought possible for someone who pretty much hates kids.
Sadly it wasn't the right time for me and my new partner and we knew the best thing for the child was to terminate the pregnancy.

I doubt I'll end up having kids in the end mainly for the reasons you pointed out in your post - it would have to be another surprise for me to go through with it. The state of the world as it is now makes me wonder why people feel the need to bring even more people into it. My family all feel the same so I never have to justify why I don't have kids now I'm pretty much out of time to have them.

Interesting what you say about the planet and disagreeing we need to continue the human race. Obviously human life is bad for the planet. Are you arguing that no one should have children with the aim of the human race dying out?

That’s a very different argument to don’t have kids because it’s stressful and expensive

I don't want the human race to die out, I just don't think there's much danger of it at the moment.

Wow somesuper defensive posts on here! I’m not sure AIBU is somewhere people come for support so can’t see the issue with OP’s post and there is a lot of moaning about how difficult it is having kids so if I’d stumbled onMN Perkins I’d probably have thought similar.
My career hasn’t been impacted on at all by having a child. The lack of sleep when she was younger was a bit difficult but nothing to dwell on. Raising my daughter is an absolute pleasure, there’s nothing difficult about it at all and we have great adventures. I have one so ecologically I’m merely replacing myself. Money isn’t something I’m overly obsessed with, I have enough for great holidays and a nice house etc. If I hadn’t had my daughter I suspect my life would not have been as technicolour as it is but who knows. Can’t stand other people’s kids though so doubt I’d be looking around feeling envious......

It’s evolutionary biology. It’s not really like buying a car

We are only 7 years in but having children has been the absolute best thing I could ever possibly have done. I've never really found it "hard" as an overall concept, although have obviously had periods of it being wearing and joyless (I suppose like if someone is in the right job for them - the relentlessness or a difficult project might make them feel fed up for a short time). The only thing that has surprised me is the fact it never gets easier - less intense and hands on and sleep deprived, but not easier! My DC and DH are my favourite people in the world.

A big chunk of this is luck - we are financially reasonably comfortable and our children are relatively healthy. DH and I have a very similar value base and upbringing which makes the teamwork aspect easier. Also, I suppose we are, being brutally honest, to the outside world, some of life's "plodders". Quite happy to do ok at work, live in an ok area, have a smallish grubby house, go on a few UK holidays a year, have non competitive hobbies and friends we have known for decades and Sunday dinner with the in laws. I suppose having children has given us a focus in life we were lacking before, rather than interfering with our real lives if that makes sense?

I'm pleased that women are gradually becoming less expected to have children. As a society, though, the pressure is still there but I think there are many more objectively useful and interesting things those who escape the urge to procreate could do! It is MY life's purpose but I am so glad it doesn't have to be everyone's any more.

It’s just cooler to bash people who have or want children right? People moan about their partners constantly yet most people are still seeking a relationship- no one queries that. it’s just a human (British!) condition to complain!

I'm just saying I don't think it's a valid reason to have children - I've had the 'continue the human race' argument put to me a lot, and really it doesn't make sense considering the problems the world has at the moment.

OP yes children fly the nest- but you have changed forever.

How old are you OP?

I think if most people were transported to teenage years there wouldn’t be so many people having dcs as they are tough tough years.

But you never know real love till you have a child. You fall in love with your children. And it’s completely unconditional. Love with your partner isn’t unconditional. That’s the difference.