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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think people who have children are bonkers

752 replies

Ichabod2000 · 12/01/2019 07:05

I read threads like these: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3228427-to-ask-what-s-an-adult-problem-that-nobody-prepared-you-for, and a common theme is the crushing relentlessness and thanklessness of parenting (motherhood in particular).

Why do it? Really? It's largely a voluntary choice, and has a tangible negative impact on your time, finances, career, relationships, and often physical and mental health. Not to mention the huge negative impact overpopulation is having on our planet.

I understand people feel overwhelming love for their children, but this is after the fact - you don't feel overwhelming love for children that don't exist yet.

And people talk about how rewarding it is - but there are lots of rewarding things you can do that don't involve propagating your genes.

I'm at an age where people ask me about my plans for children, and I just can't objectively see an advantage to it. I have a brilliant DH, an interesting job that I enjoy, and plenty of free time and moolah. Why would I make the conscious decision to risk these things I have? Why do so many make that choice?

I think it's bananas, personally, and I wonder if its just me that doesn't get it?

OP posts:
Neverunderfed · 12/01/2019 07:27

I was never broody, but knew I wanted kids. I know for me it is perfectly possible to feel ground down sometimes, but still not regret them.

Life isn't the same after, but that doesn't make different worse.

Morgan12 · 12/01/2019 07:29

I think the opposite. I don't understand people who don't want children.

kaytee87 · 12/01/2019 07:30

I love having my son (indeed we're currently trying for a second). I don't feel that it's that difficult. I think it depends on your circumstances and your child.

IPromiseIWontBeNaughty · 12/01/2019 07:32

My main regret in life has been being unable to have a third child because of ill health - & too old now. Definitely primal as I’ve no need for a third! But it’s still gut wrenches me now.

WhereAreAllTheUsernames · 12/01/2019 07:33

My first child wasn't planned but she's amazing and a real credit to me and dp. Watching my children grow and flourish in life means much more to me than 'plenty of free time and moolah'.

My life without them would be boring!

MrsBobDylan · 12/01/2019 07:34

I felt the urge to have a baby at 10 years old but waiting till mid 30s. I have 3dc and have tried endlessly for a 4th but it's not going to happen.

If I could do it all over again I would have kids younger so I could have tonnes.

And yes, I am mad. I look at other people's children all the time and think how lovely they are and how wonderful it is being s parent.

I am completely bonkers, yes Grin

CantChoose · 12/01/2019 07:34

Conversely, if you have time to find, join and post on a parenting website when you don’t want children perhaps your life isn’t as fulfilled as you think it is Grin

Joking aside, in many ways I feel similarly to you and I’ve never had the ‘urge’ some PPs describe. DH and I discussed it a lot, waited until we felt our lives were in the best position practically to withstand the pressures of parenthood and have decided that on balance we’d regret not having one more than having one. So it was a more practical weighing up than being ‘broody’.

I’m 8m pregnant so I’ll let you know how it goes!!

Noloudnoises · 12/01/2019 07:36

I was a bit like you and I would've been furious if someone said to me what I'm about to say: I feel you don't know true love until you have a child. Hideous, I know. My friends and I have secretly said that to each other too, so it's not just me.

I don't feel ground down at all but I have great family support and a hands on husband who is around loads. We pretty much do 50/50. So if you have that, then it's really not hard and relentless.

Also you laugh pretty much all the time, I never did that before.

Original poster
Ichabod2000 · 12/01/2019 07:36

I'm not against other people having children, obviously - each to their own!

But I am looking and listening and reading threads here and the general message is - "it sucks and it's ruining my life but I love them anyway" .

If the message was different, I think I'd definitely feel much more positive about it and perhaps would have one of my own. But it's not - the message is so negative.

OP posts:
Namechangedforthis79 · 12/01/2019 07:37

My children and everything they bring to my life are worth more than "moolah".

abcriskringle · 12/01/2019 07:37

I really really wanted a baby more than anything. We waited until I had a permanent job (so I could have mat leave), we'd bought a house together and were married. As a couple, we felt something was missing in our lives and we could not be happier now DS is here! To be honest, he is only 19mo and other than sleep deprivation in the early months, I don't really find it that difficult or relentless but maybe it gets harder. I thoroughly enjoy being a mum and am now trying for a second. If you don't want a baby that's fine. I definitely don't think people should have a baby for the sake of it or because they think they should. Each to their own.

KoshaMangsho · 12/01/2019 07:37

I think a lot of people who post on MN have v small kids (I am not suggesting older kids are always easier, certainly not teens), but that relentlessness etc is temporary, it passes and then people gradually drift off the ‘my baby wakes 11 times a night’ type threads. I remember with a much wanted DS1 thinking WTF had I done but he grew up (he’s only 7) and things got better and he’s lovely. DS2 is a toddler but already things are easier and I can see in a few years we can start to have some semblance of our freedom back. It’s not the same life, it’s different but it’s a good different.
There was a thread about those who regretted children, a long running one. And at some point the vast majority of the original posters felt that the deep sense of regret passed as their kids grew up and become more human. Those still struggling tended to be those (and I don’t mean this as a slight), who had either ended up as single parents or a few SAHMs. But for many people once the relentless of the early years passes, parenting is still a full time occupation but not quite in the same way as in the early years.

speakout · 12/01/2019 07:38

Having childen has changed me irrevocably .
It has been a transformation.
And I didn't have my first until I was 38, had a good time as a child free adult, had a ball, great job, lovely home, travelled the world.

having children opened my eyes, like discovering a new colour, showed me the depths of unconditional love, pushed my boundaries, and has opened up so many opportunities for growth.

I will remain changed forever- in a positive way.

I am glad I didn't miss that opportunity.

Thewheelsarefallingoff · 12/01/2019 07:38

The overpopulation argument is a bit silly to me. Wouldn't you like to retire and continue to have public services when you are elderly? People are having fewer children than ever. My DCs are over 5 now and family life is my sanctuary.

snitzelvoncrumb · 12/01/2019 07:39

I love it, it's one of those things you can't understand until you have kids. It is hard work, and not something I would recommend unless you do want them. I used to be one of those people who would find kids at a party and spend all night playing with the kids.

Dimsumlosesum · 12/01/2019 07:39

I never had a primal urge to have them in a I need to be a mother! sense, but I had a very, very lonely life and the one person I thought I could trust utterly betrayed me and I realised that I just wanted to feel love and give real love in return. I had no idea about post natal depression or how utterly horrific it can be actually having to raise children because no one ever, ever talks about the downsides in real life. It's always "it's the best thing you'll ever experience!" And "they sleep through from 6 weeks!", blah blah blah. It was hell though with my first born, he was extremely high needs and I was a recluse for the first 3 years, no other mum friends no cafetrips nothing, I wanted to give up. But it's better now. I'm not alone anymore. I have these little people in my life that perssonally give my life meaning where there was none. My life was utter shit before them.

HollySwift · 12/01/2019 07:40

I’d rather have kids than “free time and moolah.” (Though the two are not mutually exclusive). My children are infinitely more enjoyable and rewarding than money.

They love unconditionaly, they are innocent and pure (except the teenagers Grin ) and they truly bring great joy. Watching them grow, and develop their own opinions, thought processes etc is a privilege I feel blessed to have.

Though, in all honesty, I don’t recognise the motherhood some people like to describe. Yes, it’s intensive, but I don’t find it difficult or draining - and I say that as a mother of 4, 2 of whom have ASD.

SallyWD · 12/01/2019 07:40

When you look at parenthood logically and objectively of course it seems like madness! But don't forget we're all animals. Just as animals have an instinct to reproduce so do humans. OK. Not all humans have it and that's great - there are too many people in the world as it is. Many people do have that urge. I had a very strong maternal instinct and desire to have children even when I was a child. It would have been very difficult for me not to have kids. Now I have them and it's exhausting but I don't regret it. I love them, I find it fulfilling and there's a lot of fun involved. I had no focus in my life before kids. I was drifting.

StoppinBy · 12/01/2019 07:40

xmas fairy, I hope your children never ever know you said that your 'one regret' is having them.

My own mother told my brother that the only three mistakes she made in her life were her three children....very hurtful thing to say.

In answer to your post OP...I never wanted kids til I had my own.... despite missing 'my old life' I don't regret it for a minute, kids are hard work but the joy they bring to your life when you treat them right is in my opinion unmatched by anything else, the hard times are soon forgotten and the love and laughter and great memories last forever.

Original poster
Ichabod2000 · 12/01/2019 07:41

Plus someone has to continue the human race !

Massively disagree with you there. We're destroying the planet, and decimating other species.

OP posts:
flameycakes · 12/01/2019 07:42

Not entirely bonkers but it helps x

speakout · 12/01/2019 07:44

OP well thankfully these "bonkers" people exist.

Otherwise you wouln't be in a position to post here.

I think you have a raw nerve somewhere TBH.

KoshaMangsho · 12/01/2019 07:44

In the right circumstances it is also possible to have some spare cash, holidays and a good relationship with your husband. And kids. A lot of women on MN don’t just have small kids which skews the dynamic but they often have useless husbands. If yours is genuinely an equal parent things do get better and improve once the baby stage has passed.

Longtalljosie · 12/01/2019 07:45

I’d disagree with “it’s ruining my life”. It’s changed my life beyond all recognition but like others I always knew I wanted children. Just how hard it is was a shock in the baby years - 3ish hours sleep while back at work with DD2 for 4 months was a major low point - but they will always be my best decision.

I think OP you get this shit from your friends because you’re child free. It’s unusual and by making the decisions you’re taking, you’re challenging them a bit. Also I know from my friend who elected not to have children that while she’s never really wobbled and is now over 40, there is a bit of confusion about why she’s come to a different conclusion to pretty much everyone else - you have to be quite strong minded and people can be quite rude.

ChariotsofFish · 12/01/2019 07:46

If you come in a parenting forum, where people are seeking support, of course you’re going to hear about the shit bits and people having a hard time. That’s what people seek support with. Try Instagram and Facebook for people posting all the good bits about parenting.

It’s a bit fucking smug to come on and parenting forum and say ‘why have you all done such a stupid thing, why don’t you think about this logically like me? And also, you’ve ruined the planet with your weird breeding shit.’