To think people who have children are bonkers

[Ichabod2000]

I read threads like these: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3228427-to-ask-what-s-an-adult-problem-that-nobody-prepared-you-for, and a common theme is the crushing relentlessness and thanklessness of parenting (motherhood in particular).

Why do it? Really? It's largely a voluntary choice, and has a tangible negative impact on your time, finances, career, relationships, and often physical and mental health. Not to mention the huge negative impact overpopulation is having on our planet.

I understand people feel overwhelming love for their children, but this is after the fact - you don't feel overwhelming love for children that don't exist yet.

And people talk about how rewarding it is - but there are lots of rewarding things you can do that don't involve propagating your genes.

I'm at an age where people ask me about my plans for children, and I just can't objectively see an advantage to it. I have a brilliant DH, an interesting job that I enjoy, and plenty of free time and moolah. Why would I make the conscious decision to risk these things I have? Why do so many make that choice?

I think it's bananas, personally, and I wonder if its just me that doesn't get it?

I don’t think coming into a parenting forum and starting threads about how fulfilling we find parenting, how we are managing and how rewarding it is going to go down well, which is why you don’t see a balance.

It’s not all shit, but there’s no need to talk about that. We come on here for help, support and advice. Much like you have.

Why bother having a DP? You can function perfectly well on your own.

OP has a valid point.

‘But you never know real love till you have a child.’

Not sure how true that is, and it’s rather offensive to those who don’t have children for whatever reason.

You're right, OP. On paper, it is bonkers. But as pp have said it's an extremely powerful biological urge, not a rational decision. When we had our first none of our friends had DC and I didn't frequent parenting forums so was never really exposed to the moaning and negativity you talk about in your OP. I had no idea how hard it was going to be. I vividly remember pacing around the living room at 3am with a screaming newborn and thinking "why have I done this to myself??" But it got easier, so much so that in a few years I let my hormones trick me into forgetting how hard it was and had another one. So now I'm typing this with a miserable, poorly baby attached to me having been awake all night thinking "why have I done this to myself again? Things had gotten so much easier, I was starting to get my life, my career and my body back!" But I love my children and even though it's utterly relentless, thankless and exhausting when they're small, I wouldn't be without them.

OK, so I've been desperate to ask this for weeks, but..... How come so many non parents use mumsnet?

‘But you never know real love till you have a child.’

I think that's a really cruel thing to say. I know elderly couples who still get a tear in their eye at a new baby because it reminds them of the heartache of their own inability to have children. To suggest they don't understand love because they had the misfortune to be infertile is a real kick in the teeth.

Objectively, if you look at how far people go to get pregnant if there are fertility issues, the hardship faced by those with fewer resources struggling to bring them up, the dangerously poor relationships people will tolerate to keep that family unit together... yes, it all sounds a bit mad! But much of human behaviour looks a bit mad when viewed from afar. Gambling, mad, smoking madder still, aspiring to have an expensive car, bananas. Etc. But parenting is especially interesting due to the length and depth of investment and the fact that people keep going back to the well, so to speak.

you don't feel overwhelming love for children that don't exist yet

This might be the case for somebody who hasn't planned a pregnancy and then gets pregnant, but not for people that are trying for children.

We have always wanted a family together, in I got diagnosed with an illness that impacts fertility. Please, try telling me over my long period of time trying for a baby that I did not love the child I was not yet pregnant with. Of course I did. I loved it and wanted it more than anything.

I'm now pregnant with our first child and so far pregnancy has not been an easy road but I enjoy it every day. I look forward to all of her little movements, all the scans, everything to do with her.

Having children was not a primal urge for us, although I would say that maternal instincts were definitely present.

I have an truly wonderful group of girlfriends
I am in a really stimulating well paid job. I love it.
I adore my home.
I go on wonderful holidays.
I love fitness (just back from beautiful 11k run)

It is nothing. nothing in comparison for my love for my two children and what they give me in terms of happiness and fulfullment.

‘OK, so I've been desperate to ask this for weeks, but..... How come so many non parents use mumsnet?’

SURELY you can see that mumsnet is so much more than just a parenting website?? Scroll down the list of active chat topics, how many of them are about parenting? Hardly any.

Maybe mumsnet started off focusing on parenting but over the years it has grown to be so much more than just that.

I don’t find being a parent stressful, tiring or thankless at all and I’m happy to spend all of my money on my child, I don’t miss anything that I could do before being a parent because life has moved on.

I didn’t always want children, in fact up to my mid twenties I was adamant I’d never have any, but then I met DH and the relationship became serious and I just suddenly got a longing for a child that wouldn’t go away, it was all I thought about.

Children are fun, adorable, inquisitive, give you purpose and keep you company.

I have no problem with non-parents using mumsnet...it’s a public forum that welcomes all after all and we certainly cover a vast array of topics not related to parenting.
Just not sure why anyone would use it to pour scorn on having kids. Seems like blatant shit stirring to me and always has.

1. Humans are animals and have a strong drive to procreate, like other animals. But being humans, with complex brains, we've dressed that drive up in layers of social expectations and reasons to have kids too.

b) Not everyone finds parenting a grind. I don't.

c) People might find life a bit purposeless without children, especially if they don't have a super-fulfilling job.

d) The human race would die out if people didn't.

But you never know real love till you have a child

I hope nobody struggling with infertility reads that thoughtless comment. People kept saying this shit to me while we were trying for a baby. It's ridiculously selfish and hurtful.
You know got me through every single negative pregnancy test result (other than DH?). My dog. That animal has the ability to understand what is going on in my head and comfort me in ways that amaze me to this day. Yet now that I am pregnant, people have the nerve to suggest that I would rehome him. Drives me absolutely mad. To me that would be like rehoming my first child.
So please do not suggest you are some weird Voldemort type person who is incapable of loving, if you don't have kids.

How come so many non parents use mumsnet

The most popular boards aibu/chat aren't exclusivity about parenting, also lots of boards that aren't to do with parenting, mns with sn board, food section, DIY, chicken keeping etc plenty to read that isn't about parenting.

I’m really genuinely happy in life with 3 youngish children. I’m not stressed at all. I enjoyed work, but I enjoy more having my life to run as I wish at home with them. I operate on my terms, make all my decisions myself.
I’m not particularly invested in material stuff like house items, clothes etc so the reduced budget doesn’t bother me. We have enough to run a warm and happy house and eat a healthy varies diet. I look forward one day to going abroad with them all and seeing their wonder.

I try not to post on this ‘parenting is so stressful’ posts as it seems crass but I e never felt overwhelmed or sad by the situation. I have 3 younger ones, two older ones, and I’m happy. I could live life without children and find happiness, but children was a first choice. I like family life, children bring a lot of life and laughter to a house.

I’ve always been baffled by people’s decision to have children. I noticed when I was a kid that all mums did was complain about motherhood and I thought ‘why bother?’ Luckily for me we live in a time of readily available contraception, and I never felt an urge to have a child and never got pregnant. Every time I see friends or family with kids I quietly think ‘so glad that’s not me’.

give you purpose

This one bothers me whenever people mention it... it's like some people literally only exist for their children and their personality and own creativity and drive disappears when children arrive. They end up being dull, one-track people. That's their prerogative though, but I find it odd that people are comfortable stopping having a meaningful existence once a baby arrives. I do realise I may be being harsh and/or unreasonable in saying this though.

Strange post. I had children because I wanted a family. Because I like children. Because money and career aren’t my top focus (I don’t really care about either, as long as I can keep myself fed). I believed having a family would provide things for me that being childless wouldn’t.
Like a PP said, you have a husband. Why? People who have partners always seem to moan about them. Why bother?
Admittedly there are people I know who I wonder why they had children as they don’t seem to like or want them, but I don’t think that’s the majority. Family life is wonderful as I suspected it would be. That’s the life I chose.

I too had the urge to have kids. If you've got to sit down and think about the pros and cons of having children, then you probably don't want any. I always just assumed I would be a mother and looked forward to it. I now have four, and yes they can be hard work but there are so many more positives.

I had a lot of freedom, friends, fun, travel, life experience.

Gave it all up 18 years ago, now I have four young adults making their way in the world. It has been fulfilling, challenging, frightening and rewarding.

Nothing makes me happier, more proud, gives me more joy than these people.

I don’t need to explain, and you don’t need to understand OP. We make our choices. I don’t understand why you wouldn’t want to, but I can respect your choice.

“AIBU to think people who have children are bonkers.”

AIBU to think coming to parenting forum to fundamentally criticise having children is an attention-seeking exercise designed to cause offence?

I read something once that said “people with children and people without feel sorry for each other”