I fired my housekeeper/nanny

[QueenofWhisperz]

I have a child with SEN who is 10 and another child who is 5. My husband and I work ridiculously long hours and I entertain work clients on Friday nights.

We have had this housekeeper for the last 8 years, (ever since it was apparent that I would need help).

I love her deeply, she is like family. However, she did things that really upset me.

1. Took time off without notice, causing me to lose work.
2. Never completed her tasks, ever.
3. Tried to ingratiate her religious beliefs into my children.
4. Made me feel like no one else would work for me, or care for my children better than she would.

Today, I came home from a rough day at work, and I was doing homework with the kids before I took some clients outand this upcoming deal is quite important because it will cover some additional therapy my older child needs-and she informed me that she wasn't working her normal hours this evening.

We had agreed a work schedule in her contract; she always avoids working on a Friday night if she can help it. Anyway, as I was getting upset, I stopped myself and told her that today was her last day. (She was on warning for doing this before).

My husband has come in to tell me that I am awful. That after 10 years, I should have let her come back another day and had a nice farewell.

Professionally, cancelling this evening is devastating to me; not to mention the therapy I was going to be able to access for my son...which I will not. My boss and co-workers are having a field day with my failure for this evening and I feel like I have potentially lost everything. I am quite nervous about Monday, going back to work--but worse yet, laundry and lunches.

I didn't raise my voice, I just said that I needed her to work the schedule she agreed to, and that I will find someone else for Monday. I didn't want a heated conversation, I don't do the 'raised' voice thing.

Am I awful? Have I been terrible? I don't know how to do laundry, but I can learn. I might get fired for cancelling my evening dinner meeting.

So how did she react when you fired her?

It's gross misconduct on unauthorised absence surely - she was contracted to work those hours and just decided not to.
Pretty clear cut in employment law actually.

I don't want to sound like I'm racing to the bottom but my Mother worked full time, had no family or partner to help and four children, two of whom were disabled, one severely and still had to do her own laundry.

Employing help is a luxury most people can't afford.

My kid is only 5 and he managed to put a wash on the other day. Including sorting it in to darks and putting it on the right cycle. An adult women not being able to work out how to wash her clothes smacks of growing up with a lot of servant help to me.

I think OP is in the UK

lately has been taking a day off every week for the last few weeks too.

How awful of her. Are you aware of employment laws?

OP, she was on 4th warning and did this. Provided you’ve documented this, you’ve done the right thing. Her absences are likely she’s been looking for another job (in my opinion).

Would suggest a back up for Friday nights going forward. By all means have it in the new person’s contract, but back up is most useful.

Ignore the people commenting about you being spiked or skinny white roman. Those are just toxic people and clearly don’t know what it’s like to have a corporate or managerial career that isn’t just 9 to 5 or shift work. You need systems in place to not only have child care covered but also household tasks (like laundr) to enable you to do your job, be a parent especially to a child with additional needs.

Just a thought, could your house keeper have manipulated this so you’d fire her and have to pay notice while having lined up a new job?

I'm going to make a guess OPs not in the UK, most likely Asia where it's pretty common to hire a housekeeper/nanny or Helper as they are called. Often Filipino or Indonesian and in some case they can be quite religious. They live in and have little rights sometimes on appalling salaries and conditions - conversely sometimes as part of the family with significantly better wages/benefits than the average. (The rights of helpers could be a whole thread in its own right, and trust me in the local forums it is and would make AIBU look tame in comparison!)

On Ops side it also pretty common to work and travel a lot, to be expected to entertain clients - and getting sacked for not doing it. Sacked may mean losing a visa and having to leave the country and if she's the main visa holder that means everyone - so husband loses job, kids leave school. Equally therapy for her child will likely not be from govt funding maybe not covered by healthy insurance but have to be paid privately. So I can see the stress could have been overwhelming.
As for laundry and lunches - I'm sure she can do it but if her household is set up the the housekeeper did it she's possibly overwhelmed at the thought of having to do it herself plus hold on to a job, plus travel, plus childcare.

By the way not justifying what happened but pointing out in a different part of the world this is completely believable and not troll like.

Op, i could be completely wrong but if my guess is right yes you have overreacted but I can see why under that mounting stress. First things first let the kids say goodbye, she may not work for you again but at least let everyone say goodbye. If she is a helper, she'll still be around at friends. I'm sure you can get in touch.

Can you get someone else easily to cover - quickly or not? If not I'd starting working out childcare and part time. Monday will come round soon enough so work out what you can/can't do with the client and deal. Is it really going to be sackable or is that how it feels as you are overwhelmed?

There's no winner here, but if you really can't see her coming back then treat her with some kindness to reflect how long she's been with you and make sure she is ok. Then start working on a plan for next week and how to pull the deal round.

lately has been taking a day off every week for the last few weeks too.

You were expecting her to work seven days a week??

Are you American OP?

“Watch the children” is not a term much in use in the UK or Ireland

I think this Housekeeper/Nanny must have some very long hours. She seems to be there before the children go off to school so that she can make their lunches and she is expected to work all evening until OP gets back from a night out. I think the Housekeeper/Nanny has been running the whole domestic requirements of the house with little or no time off.
That cant be safe or decent

Op I'm curious what type of wage you have been paying her? I hope its high.

I'm free! Charge £30 an hour for tutoring (qualified); £10 an hour for baby sitting and taxi, plus expenses; £15 for housekeeping especially if laundry is an enigma.

I would, of course charge for anti-social hours like a Friday night (even if originally contracted); double or triple time if I have to work Bank Holidays.

It's the conditions of the workers in the law.

You did the right thing OP. A pattern of unauthorised absences is usually an indication of something going on.

Some places i've worked actually its been gross misconduct to not inform work that you cant come until after a certain point.

As in only working 6 days a week or 4?

Doesnt OP mean taking days off on top of authorised days off?

I would be worried about the impact on your kids. She has been their main carer for 8 years and yet she has literally disappeared from their lives over night.

Not a world I inhabit. I would struggle to even let someone do my laundry. I think relationships sound strained so best let the lady go .. and be free of the shackles.

What were the two weeks off at short notice in September for op? A holiday? Illness? A sick relative?

I think that detail is important

Also it will impact your kids massively if they never see her again. She will be a key figure in their lives.

@QueenofWhisperz so how many days /hours did she work for you?

Agree that if you're colleagues are glad you canceled /you think they'd say you over something like this then you need to start looking for a new job alongside your new Nanny

That’s going to be terribly hard for your children, surly after 8 years there must be a close bond?

.

I've been in a similar situation with a nanny who was taking the piss, but instead of sack her on the spot, I interviewed for her replacement and then terminated her with all appropriate notice and pay. I also made sure she had time to say goodbye to DCs and explain to them what was happening.

You haven't handled this correctly but I can understand the stress - being a working mother with a very busy husband as well. So YABU but I relate to where that impulse to just get her out came from.

The majority of posters on here bleating on about employment laws almost certainly don’t understand them themselves...

From a moral perspective OP I think you should consider how to manage her leaving your kids’ lives when they have all known each other for so long. But if you are going to pay her through her notice period I think that’s fair. I would be fired too if I regularly told my boss with 2 hours’ notice that I wasn’t working when I was contracted to. It’s a sad situation for all of you but it sounds like you have given warnings and that this is gross misconduct.