...to pretend the bathroom door is soundproof in an effort to “be more dad”?

[Gyaradose]

DH has been pretending this for several years now so I’m thinking of adopting this strategy.

Will also work on developing clutter blindness and an inability to open the fridge and transfer what has been seen into a viable meal for children.

Any others?

I will send you my family emails for holidays, get you to sort it half out, not do anything with your information with family or work and then blame you that I cannot go and see my family. Oh and god forbid you would want to sort any other holiday

Oops @RomaineCalm see post above!

You must bask in my golden glory once I have hoovered.

I will tell you about it.

I will act surprised when carpet bits appear seven days later.

But I only hoovered this a week ago I shall announce all agog.

I will make the gravy and then take credit for the whole of the roast dinner!

I'm going to refer to his brother Tim who I have known for 15 years as 'Tom'. I'm also going to refer to his friend Tom who I've been on holiday with three times as 'Tim'. Whenever he mentions Tim, I'll say 'Hang on, Tim or Tom?' If he mentions Tom, I'll say 'what, Tim? Or do you mean Tom?'

Years of this will change absolutely nothing. I will attend Tim's funeral in some distant future and say 'Omg that's terrible! Did Tim die? Or Tom?'

I wish everyone would really do this.

I have done my one. It was fantastically liberating. The look on his face when I told him that I would be away that week and he needed to sort it if he can't do the school runs.

I will keep up the pretence of “helping” by cheerfully washing plates and glasses. But the greasy oven trays can fuck right off.

I will amass a collection of shampoo and shower gels on the side of the bath, all with half an inch of product left in them.

I will be deaf to the house phone ringing and continue to use the floor next to my bed as a wardrobe/wash basket.
I'll then moan when asked to help with anything and say that I'm the one that's worked ALL day even though my partner also has (at work and home ffs)!

I will commandeer the TV remote. Watch the same 20 minutes of the same, crap film 11 trillion times, before I fall asleep. Therefore having to watch the same crap film another 11 trillion times, because I fell asleep after the first 20 minutes the first 11 trillion times I watched it.

I will stack all the plates illogically (smallest ones at the bottom or higgledy-piggledy) and then act surprised when they fall out on the head of the next person to open the cupboard. See also saucepans, same tactic.

I'm going to just get myself ready to go out, sit down and have a coffee then ask him what's took him so long and why the kids running around in their pants

HariboLecter - do you not have a bathroom fairy that cleans it ?? My dh thinks we do ??

I’m going to ‘man look’ for things and thus, nothing will ever be found again

I’ll also walk past all things on the stairs waiting to go upstairs and even step over the washing basket of clean clothes to get upstairs

I will sleep heavily, really really heavily so I can't wake up when DC's have a nightmare/wet the bed/have croup/just get up super-early but wake and leap out of bed the second my alarm goes off at 5am for a flight to a stag do in Riga

About five years ago I decided to "be like dad"

So I took up a hobby which I do 4 times a week, I just announce on the Saturday morning that I will be out for 4 hrs. As to lunch, what? Whatever, just feed yourself and the kids, not my responsibility

I sometimes stay out longer than planned, but then again, why not

It's done wonders for our relationship! The kids love it as they eat lots of pizza

Martyr no more

I will open my post approximately twice a year, leaving tax demands, fines I didn't know about and large cheques lying undiscovered for months on end.

I will then organise it into piles 'for filing' that must not be touched, on pain of death, and leave them on the bedroom floor for several more months until they end up mixed up with on another again anyway.

I will actually file this stuff about once every two years because my filing system is so complex it takes me massive willpower to take all the folders out.

I will hang washing on the line. 18 items will be pegged at odd angles using on 5 clothes pegs.

I will invite many people around for BBQs, then fill the fridge with beer and declare us ready while my dh cleans, shops for meat, bread, salad, nibbles, soft drinks and beers, prepares salad, tips nibbles into bowls, slices breadcakes and bridgerolls, blah blah fucking blah.

I will stand in a novelty pinny near BBQ and declare us ready. And tell wife 'you sit down love, Bbqs are MY thing'.

Obviously cleaning up after is her thing tho.

I am going to start subtly checking my marital partner knows what the time is about an hour before the earliest possible time he needs to leave for an appointment.

Im going to ask where something is in the cupboard but only at the front whilst shouting out ' wheres the whatever' and then as soon as someone else arrives to show me where it is then I will suddenly find it- hey presto!' like magic! Tomorrow morning I might just use the shower gel after taking it out of the basket and leave it on the side instead of putting it back in the basket. Later I'll empty all my spare change over the worktop thats just bern cleaned. Also leave my purse there with any milk or other cold stuff that I have just got on the way home ( as I forgot to tell anyone that I had used the last of it up) just to give it a chance to go off in a warm room. Lastly I will go into the lounge and place glasses and other shit of mine on the coffee table just when it looks lovely and clean and clear- just a perfect place to put them onto! I might just rearrange all the washing thats drying thats just hung and put the washing up sponge in a completely different place to where they are kept- seems a great idea to do this every night actually....chews gum loudly whilst thinking about this....

FFS , enough already. Make this week the last time your inept clever husbands do all these things. Make a stand tomorrow and stop tolerating their shit.

I will leave my worn underwear/socks/clothes in random places and fully expect them to magically reappear washed/folded/hung up so I can wear them and discard them in random places around the home again...,,,,

Time to cut my giant, dinosaur claw toenails in the bath and leave the killer half moon shards there! No time to clear them up, I have a puddle of water to spread on every available surface – that is, the ones I haven't scattered with stubble.