...to pretend the bathroom door is soundproof in an effort to “be more dad”?

[Gyaradose]

DH has been pretending this for several years now so I’m thinking of adopting this strategy.

Will also work on developing clutter blindness and an inability to open the fridge and transfer what has been seen into a viable meal for children.

Any others?

No-one will ever be as tired as me despite my many naps

I will declare my spouse’s head to be full of fluff because I spend hours a day reading and watching news. I will scoff when spouse points out all the stuff her head is actually full of because I refuse to take responsibility for a damn thing so she has to do every fucking thing. Silly deluded fluffy spouse!

I will tell the children that they can't use screens or watch tv while I'm looking after them but refuse to play with them at all. I will do this every time my spouse has asked for a couple of hours to catch up on work from home!

I will dispose of rubbish next to the bin rather than in it, ditto the dishwasher then complain that the counters are too covered with crap to start making tea. I will also leave wet towels on the bed so I can complain later about the duvet being damp and cold.
I will do a small food shop, come home and start preparing my meal whilst asking my other half 'what are you going to eat?' (he just did this half an hour ago!)

I already have a soundproof bathroom, I go in for a shower and ask my Google Home to blast the music so I'm not tempted to get out at the sounds of whinging from either DS or DH!

I’m going to lose the ability to decipher the ancient runes and petroglyphs on the family calendar and therefore have no clue what is happening, when. Ever.

I will need to take a rest for an hour after lunch on both weekend days and insist on complete silence in the house. I may also do a 30 minute meditation. This is for my wellbeing and energy. But I will NEVER ask my partner who has a serious illness if they feel ok/ need a rest. N-E-V-E-R.

I will huff and puff about how busy I am, but have time for a hour long lunch every day at the Vietnamese. I will not work behind 7pm as I just get so tired. I will ignore/ belittle my partner’s work which is done when the children are at school/ after they’ve gone to bed/ at the weekend so that my working pattern is unchanged from pre-children which is ESPECIALLY annoying because they’ll take the car which means if I want to
go to the park with the kids, I have to walk.

I have just today lost my shit and gone on strike. Largely because 18 year old DS is now collaborating with not so D H and gleefully reporting mum yelled at me, don't come in the kitchen, you will be told off. Fuck that shit.

I am expected to take everything in my stride and just cope because nothing I do counts. Strangely it counts if DH has to do it (badly and ineffectively) - he would have to resign from work AND cancel all DCs tuition and activities. Go figure. They can't both be true. Is it a threat?

It's not rocket science. If DH doesn't appreciate what you do, DC will watch and learn. BTW I am f/t carer to 2 DC with SN. No 'excuse' for blatant disrespect.

I would love to just return to work - I may not be appreciated, I don't want accolades, I just want adult communication, a modicum of respect, to earn my own money, to have a pension etc. What I do is meaningless but I can't stop doing it. Why?

I may be having a bad day or seeing the light.

Good post mummysmummy

I will go out with the children but forget the nappy bag and reasonable snacks for said children for the 4 hour trip we are on

I will leave random bags of crap around the house and wait for someone else to empty it

I will sit on the sofa and chat random shit at whoever is sat next to me who is blatantly on their phone doing important stuff 😁

I will complain endlessly that I am cold, making intake of breath noise for added effect, while leaving the living room door open and only wearing a T-shirt.

That the dishwasher is autoloading. You just put a plate or a bowl on top of the counter and the dishwasher will miraculously find them and load them. And yeah, sort the cutlery too.
I will also ask where's everything. Won't bother thinking about what DD should put into her lunch box because that just appears in the fridge like magic.
Oh, I was told few years ago, when I said I was stressed out because I had too much to plan and do to stop being a martyr.
One week later he realised he was out of socks and underwear and his dirty jeans were still in the laundry too. I washed mine and DD's stuff and left his untouched.
He very quickly adjusted his attitude when I told him I refuse being a martyr and stress out about whether he has clean socks for the next day. He still has his moments but he got much better at sharing the household chores.

I will complain loudly to my children’s other parent that I can’t possibly expected to pick them up from school, take them anywhere or feed them food unless it’s a weekend. I have to work you see. Even though he has to work too, MY work is more important!

I will drive past said children and former partner every day at school pick up time and wave to them out of politeness

I will do a small food shop, come home and start preparing my meal whilst asking my other half 'what are you going to eat?' (he just did this half an hour ago!)

I am at this. What a selfish prick. If anyone prepares food in this house then they do it for everyone.

I'm going to master the art of leaving one square inch of space somewhere in the dishwasher and thus declare it pointless putting on said dishwasher as it's technically not full. Any items needed for cooking,eating and such can just be washed by someone, I'm sure.

Oh, and I will definitely try waiting until we are going away for a fortnight and important things like luggage, passports,etc are to be considered before embarking on some light gardening or doing some very important DIY around the house, such as fixing the squeaking floorboard in the spare room that is hardly used, maybe hang a picture or two. AIBU to think you should never leave these things?!

I will leave a myriad of items on the bottom three steps of the stairs to create trip hazards and walk past them when I go upstairs instead of taking them up with me.

I will sing songs in my head when my spouse tries to explain how to do an important new task, so that I don't take in any information. Once my spouse leaves, and I'm meant to be doing said task e.g. feeding the baby, I will phone spouse and demand she tells me how to do it right there right then and scold her for not having explained it to me before.

My favourite food is freezer crap and cheese sandwiches. My DH likes to eat salads and nuts and healthy things. My DH enjoys very much cooking from scratch for us all a few times a week. Even though my favourite food is processed food swept off the factory floor and reconstituted meat and fish, I like to pick holes in whatever family meal (spag & meatballs, roast dinner, salmon & salad) he has lovingly cooked and declare, in a childlike fashion, "I don't like it".

I will stretch to step over my things that are on the stairs the n complain that it's dangerous to leave things in the stairs. I will make no move to put them away as they're self-returning to wherever they live.

If I happen to go shopping I will grab the trolley and push it right in front of the aisle that my partner is perusing, thus blocking her view totally.

I'll also grab her and shove her into a brick wall if a man on the other pavement looks like they might need to cross and walk by her. She won't know to get out of the man's way.

When she's in the middle of preparing breakfast I'll go and stand between her and the cooker, pick up the frying pan and say in tones of absolute amazement "there's a fried egg here!" Because obviously she hadn't realised that simple fact, having cooked the egg 10 seconds earlier.

I'll remove the mop which is currently propped across the kitchen doorway (anyone might think it's there to signal the floor behind it is drying!) and then walk back and forth the recently cleaned floor in muddy boots while saying "I thought you were going to clean this floor?"

I will be extremely tired all the time.
I will just 'rest my eyes' laid out on the only sofa while family life carries on around me. If asked, if I must nap now, to go to sleep in a bed, so as not to prevent DH from sitting on the only sofa I will become watery eyed and sad and then not have my nap. Instead, I will sit in the middle of the room bitterly folding my children's clothes and taking them upstairs more slowly than should be possible for a human with full use of all their limbs.
I will act like not going to Crossfit is the equivalent request of being asked to kill a man in cold blood.
I will be unable to smell poo in a nappy
I will treat all children related mess as my DP's and therefore enraging and yet absolutely nothing to do with me at all.
I will not have to deal with a baby in the night, due to not breastfeeding, and yet be as, if not more tired, than DP who is woken every 90 mins by said baby.

will drive past said children and former partner every day at school pick up time and wave to them out of politeness

Does he really do this?! So cunty.

I will extract the gift card that DD has just received for Christmas and put it 'somewhere safe' without telling anyone. I will not notice the weeks of tears and recriminations as the whole family looks for it. When it is finally discovered I will try to take credit for keeping it out of harm's way.

"I broke his nose"
www.gocomics.com/doonesbury/1972/09/12

Personally I wouldn't fancy having a complete fucknut who can't look after his own basic needs in charge of getting the mortgage paid each month.

I know so many clever, educated, talented and useful men who can change a bicycle tyre in two minutes but not hang out a basket of laundry, or who can negotiate multi-million pound deals but not work through the logistics of taking a 5 yo to a soft play party with a wrapped and appropriate present

It's almost as if some stuff is not worth bothering their head with...

I will complain constantly that I am putting on weight and say I'm going to go to the gym and then get really affronted at the weekend when my dp suggests I go for a walk or to check out said gym, or cooks a healthy version of a meal I like.
I'm also going to leave the recycling on the kitchen side every day, then leave the house for work,walking past the recycling bin adjacent to the door.
I'm going to say 'when I used to cook' abut twice a month, followed by some advice on food preparation that will improve DP's cooking (which is 90% of all cooking in the house). I will never, when questioned, be able to be anything other than vague about when exactly the mystical period was when I 'used to' cook and why exactly I cant start cooking again now.